I’m 54. My father is 94 and my mother is 92. I’m married and live nearby. Thankfully, they have in-home care, but I briefly swing by most afternoons for about an hour and a half or so, as I handle their grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, paying their bills, etc…
I have always had a very close relationship with both of them. My mother is difficult, but she loves me dearly, and I love both of them dearly…
I only have one older sister, but she moved out of state last year to follow her kids and grandkids, which made a very difficult situation even so much harder on me, and left me feeling abandoned, overwhelmed, and angry at her for leaving me “holding the bag”, so to speak. But I’ve come to accept her moving away, and we are on good terms now. I’m no longer angry at her, but it still hurts that she left me all alone to take care of two elderly parents, especially knowing the mental and emotional effects it is having on me. Just so she could follow her grandchildren to Florida (I live in Connecticut). She moved a year and a half ago, and has never been back to visit. I asked her, “are you ever going to see them in this life again?” and she gets annoyed and won’t give me a straight answer, which I think is absolutely horrid…
I try to carry on with my life as normal as possible, but I basically feel heartbroken, alone, and scared every day. I cry a lot because it’s so unbearable for me to witness two formerly strong, independent loving parents be reduced to this… a shell of who they were. Obviously they’re up there in age, and it’s the “cycle of life”, but the fear of their passing consumes my life. Every day, I fear getting that phone call. I can’t imagine my life without either of them, and especially my father, since I was always “Daddy’s Girl.” As a kid, I had actual nightmares about losing them, but they were only in their 50’s back then, so it was a long way off, and I could shove it in the back of my mind and forget about it. But now that they are both in their 90’s, their passing is staring me in the face, and it terrifies me…
I work part time in the mornings, and I find it helpful, mentally, to be around other people in that setting. But if I had even one supportive person in my life, it would help a lot. But my sister and my cousin, who I am close with, they both live out of state now, as do my two closest friends. Phone calls are good, but certainly not the same as having a close relative or friend living nearby. Making matters worse, I have a difficult marriage with a man who lacks empathy, so I can’t lean on him, either. I joined a women’s group at church, and they are very nice, but they all have kids, and I don’t, so I find it hard to connect with them because that’s all they seem to talk about is their kids…
And to top it all off, I have two cats, one which is in the early stage of kidney disease. My cats are essentially my kids, and so now add the heartache and fear of losing him, in addition to losing my parents…
I am just so tired of living like this, feeling sad, alone, and scared every day. But there’s nobody nearby for me to turn to for support and comfort. I am NOT suicidal, but every day, I wish God would take me, because my heart hurts so, so much, there’s no relief in sight, and it’s only going to get worse as they continue to decline. Yes, there will be a certain sense of relief when they pass, because the ordeal will be over for all of us, and I know they will be with God, and I will join them one day. Yet I will be devastated, and I fear that I won’t be able to handle it, even though I am a person of faith in God. But I’ve yet to experience the passing of a close loved one, and the thought of it terrifies me…
Given the absolute insanity across the globe nowadays, perhaps the Second Coming of Christ is around the corner! I can only hope, as that would be my only viable means of rescue, LOL…
I know there are no easy answers to any of this. Just wanted to vent. And to find out if anyone can relate.
I'm sure you know that people don't get everything in life. You're lucky to have been 'Daddy's girl' and to have grown up in a loving family. Your parents have lived to a very old age and you can still enjoy visiting with them. This would not be possible if you actually had to take care of them yourself. Clearly they are good people who love and respect their kids enough to not assume that they will be the old age care plan. That is a blessing and you are very, very fortunate.
In addition to going to therapy, you'd do well to stay on this forum too. You can talk and learn from people here who have miserable lives in caregiving. People forced to be caregivers to parents they have long and abusive histories with like myself. Others who face real problems like homelessness when the caregiving slavery ends. You'll feel a lot better about your situation talking to people like this.
Last night my mother was really in the mood for a fight. I had already emptied her commode full of piss and sh*t 11 times in one day. She was really doubling-down on the verbal abuse to get the fight started. Even though I'm an adult and have 25 years of experience caring for elderly and disabled people, it still hurts when one's own mother (who they've been a servant to for years and who mom has hated and abused from pretty much day one), gets told what and lazy liar they are. I walk away and completely ignore her. What other choice is there? This is what so many of us deal with every day because we're actual caregivers to narcississtic abusive parents who don't care about us and who we really don't care for.
You don't have any of this. Lucky you. Lucky me because I'm walking away. So many are unable to.
Keep this in mind when you're feeling sorry for yourself.
Some methods therapist might suggest can be anticipatory grief as it is good tool for anybody. It is not easy to come to acceptance and it vacillates, it is no linear, it is going from denial, anger, acceptance and back again.
But to reach some level of acceptance allows to make plans for your own life or give yourself permission to enjoy more of life left together. Engaging in life fully is the gift you can give your parents, not forgetting about yourself and getting friends, social life, hobbies, plans for a future.
All of us know quite well on some level we wish things will end, does not necessary means dying, but it does as well and as some therapist explain we feel guilty and we should not, it shows we care deeply. Yet, as we know there is nothing absolutely nothing that is going to spare us that pain. The difference is how will we deal with it, embracing it, enjoying life, not succumbing into despair.
i have a psychiatrist that I have been seeing for years because of my ADD and she is a wonderful support. I am on medications for depression as well. The combination has helped me deal with the situation. You say that you are involved with the church and, as others have said, perhaps you can find someone to talk with there. They can’t prescribe medications and sometimes antidepressants and/or anti anxiety meds can really help as well.
For a while it felt like all I was doing was helping my mother and I couldn’t enjoy and appreciate the time we still have. I found a doctor for her who has helped some of her physical issues and I also found someone to help with the cleaning and other household chores so I no longer have to do a lot of the things that took up my time when I visited her. I live about two hours away and see her once or twice a week. I have decided to spend more time doing pleasant things together so when she is gone I can feel like I was able to enjoy the time I have with her now.
I have also worked in animal hospitals and have also been through renal failure with several of my own cats over the years. When facing losing a pet please realize that they aren’t aware of the length of their life but the quality. It is always hard to lose a four legged family member as well. Some cats live a good life quite a while with supportive care. One thing that may help you is having a talk with your vet about what to expect as the kidney failure progresses. I found that they can help to decide beforehand at what stage or if you would be comfortable with putting your cat down. That can help reduce the stress of making the decision when you are feeling the full emotions. Your vet has gone through the process of supporting owners facing loss.
I think the thought of losing parents is stressful for everyone with the ability to love. Unfortunately that is the price we pay for loving others. I have found that pretty much all of my peers have gone through or are going through the same thing you are to some extent. Some just have more support. You are definitely not alone!
you say that you believe in Christ. In my many years of losing husbands to sudden death, 7 cousins and a brother and sister in one year, i can understand the sadness that you feel. I know a personal relationship with Jesus, He is my constant companion. He has an angel assigned yo each of His followers that watches over you constantly, thakinv your prayers and needs straight to Him. Your parents have their own personal angel, and when the Lord wants them back with Him permanently, He will call their name. I have witness the death of many people, and believers always go in such peace. Be grateful that you have this time with them now, and pray for their comfort. Pray for your iwn comfort, by the Comforter that Jesus sent to His followers. Pray for your husband, he needs compassion. Sometimes it takes a Valley for someone to learn, so be prepared for his Valley if that is what’s needed. Only the Lord knows that.
May God bless your soul and keep you close to Him. Ask Him for a friend. He knows everyone.
You can't blame your sister for wanting to be near her children and grandchildren. You could ask your sister to fly in to help you find "in home care" for your parents and / or look for a facility to have in mind when the time comes.
There are times in life when everything seems so bleak and negative and sad and it is during these times that we have to make a concerted effort to look for the positive, look for the good. I find myself driving to work and looking at the sunrise and thanking God for how beautiful it is and how lucky I am to witness it. Or looking at a photo of my grandson and marveling at how smart and curious he has become. Or I'll see a car accident and think "someone is having a worse day than me...I should be grateful". It is those little recognitions about your life that you have to take notice of and move to the forefront of your thoughts so that the negatives of your sister moving, your parents aging, etc.. don't determine your mood or drive your emotions. It's all about balance and it wouldn't hurt to talk with a therapist to help you find yours.
Take care umbrellagirl. You're not alone.
BTW, I, too, was a "Daddy's Girl"...and when he passed away (nearly 30 years ago at age 72) the only reason I could go on was because I had a 2 year old son with severe disabilities who needed me. Just because you don't have your own children doesn't mean you can't find meaning by getting involved with kids who really need you. Just my opinion....
A therapist is usually objective and non-judgmental, and a trained professional to ask the right questions and help you figure things out so you can get some relief. You can meet with the same therapist for years if you need to, or a few months, it's up to you. Many people meet with a therapist on video chat now, or in person. If you need to find a video meeting site there is MDLive, Amwell, Teladoc, Betterhelp, Talkspace, any of these are good. Some take insurance. Good luck to you!
Your goal is to keep yourself healthy physically and mentally so that you are in good shape when your miserable ordeal is over so you can still find joy in your life.
Hang in.
But the choice is yours, cherishing time you have left or thinking about the end.
You are not alone, most of us caregivers, face this possible outcome or even greater probability of being left alone.
Finding resilience gives us tools to cope.
On the other hand, some of the replies were needlessly harsh and hurtful.
Of course, sometimes hearing the truth hurts, and sometimes hearing constructive criticism and advice is hurtful, too. I understand and accept that. I’m not looking for the truth to be soft-soaped and sugar-coated - just tone down the harshness, please.
Furthermore, when you essentially bare your soul to a group of strangers, you have to expect that some people will be kind and compassionate in their responses, while others will rip you apart and make you feel like 2 cents. I understand that I opened myself up to that. Now I feel that I have to be careful of how I participate in this group, which is a shame, because that sort of defeats the purpose of the group, to some degree. Or I can just go back to being a “lurker” again, as I did for the past couple of years.
However, this group is supposed to serve as a “safe place” in which we can open up and release some of the hurt, anxiety, and anger which is plaguing us. No, it certainly does not take the place of professional therapy. But surely it can help to supplement therapy.
I was blown back by some of the hurtful responses here - and it took me a few days to feel able to return and respond. But I did glean a good amount of helpful suggestions and kind words, so I thank you for that.
I had a post up here myself back in April-June when my DH was undergoing a liver transplant & we were in another state living in a hotel to facilitate that transplant; 98% of the comments were wonderfully supportive & uplifting for me, but there were some that were downright hurtful & awful. Some comments that served no useful purpose & caused me anxiety & upset as a result. Some people enjoy causing others to feel angst, that's what I've decided. And I too dwelled on those negative comments for far too long, until I realized the SUPPORTIVE comments were the ones I SHOULD have been focusing on! You know what I mean? Look for the light & push back the dark in life, that's the thing to do.
I'm glad you were able to glean a good amount of helpful suggestions & kind words from the comments here, and I wish you the best of luck finding useful support and a good therapist moving forward. God knows we all have issues to work through in life, so finding your network of support is crucial.
As for kitty, I lost one girl earlier this year and have her sister on a kidney cat food now to, hopefully, prolong her life. I get it prescribed by our vet and ordered through CHEWY.
You might want to call, "Visiting Angels" to get some respite care so that you can take time off. On the other hand, doing some fun volunteer work (with pets or children or ?) might bring you joy and new friendships.
Your sister and cousin cannot help like a professional can. And remember, you’re not alone in your feelings. Many of us have gone through this.
Good luck and blessings
Please reach out to your faith leader( pastor, clergy, priest ) and, schedule an appointment to speak with him/ her. The " women's group" is fine but honestly reading your message, I hear someone who needs professional support and , starting with your clergy will be a good place to begin. They can also refer you to other support as needed.
Also please see your own medical physician and, share your situation, fears , anxieties etc with him/ her. They too can be very helpful with assessment of your needs and
referrals as needed.
You are grieving. You are grieving watching your parents age, you are grieving the loss of your sister's proximity ( her move), and you are grieving the unknown ( future)....
You are experiencing past , present and anticipatory grief:. Grief counseling may be one help for you.
As you also share your " fear" of the parents death as you say you " have never experienced this", this is a good conversation to begin with your faith leader also.
It is always good to look for something " good" in a situation; I see the fact that your parents live nearby in their own home with in home care support a very positive thing. The fact that you are free to go to work and stop in for an hour or so and know that they have help in the home is a positive thing.
Be sure that your parents have assigned someone ( possibly you) as POA. If they do not have living wills and medical directives in place , this is something else you should assist them with. This may sound like a lot more work for you, but it will actually help you and them and, we all should have these items in place.
Please seek help so that you are getting the support you need toward good self care. And, I hope perhaps your spouse is a helpful listener even though they are not mentioned in your writing.
Blessings
You definitely have your hands full, but this too shall pass!
You will be happy later on when you reflect on your generous efforts to help your parents. I'm told that in Judaism, the Commandment to honor one's parents is number one, and you are fulfiling it the utmost. God will reward you and someday we'll all be together in heaven. Love and prayers, Margret
Generosity is definitely underrated.