I've posted before about my mum's condition deteriorating, but it's getting to the point where she won't even try to do things for herself and starts shouting at me if I don't do it the exact second she asks regardless of what I'm doing. I could be on the toilet and she'll start shrieking as if she's fallen over and hurt herself over something as unimportant as "I dropped my bookmark" which is usually right by her foot where she is not incapable of reaching and doesn't even need because she's still reading. It frustrates me so much because I don't even get time to do any of my hobbies: I pick something up, she shouts for help, and she doesn't stop until I'm doing it. It makes me so angry because I don't receive any thank yous or apologies and she shows no interest in what I want to do. She won't even play board games with me. I just want to scream and shout but I don't know how to; something always hold that back and makes me cry instead when it feels overwhelming.
In the meantime, stop living your life standing at attention for when your mom starts yelling about something. Make her wait. Yes, this will get on your last nerve for a while but you have to do it.
She will learn to be patient and she will actually begin to show you some respect.
It's like with a baby. Mom can't go running to them every time they squawk a little bit. Sometimes you have to let them do it for a while because it's good for them. Otherwise they will never be able to be alone even for short periods of time. If she has totally given up and refuses to have any level of independence, this can mean just sitting and waiting patiently, then she is beyond the level of care you can give her. When this happens it's time for her to be living in a care facility.
Being a caregiver to someone does not mean you become their slave. You do not have to cater to every demand she makes of you. Stop doing that. The only time caregiving is successful is if it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipient. Start making some rules and setting some boundaries. Then stick to them. You will see a big change happen for the better.
She might do much better is Assisted Living or possibly Independent Living where there will be more activity and more people around her.
If that is not an option set some ground rules. What caregivers call Boundaries.
Stop doing things that she is capable of doing. If she shrieks for something that she can do...let her shriek. Wear earbuds, or earplugs if you need to. (Just be sure you can hear her if it is truly an emergency.)
If she can pay for it hire a caregiver a few hours a day for a day or two a week and LEAVE the house. (the more hours, the more days the better but 3 or 4 hours 1 day a week is better than none)
How old is your mom? Have you ever thought of getting a sitter once in a while for a few hours so you can have some time to yourself?
Sorry you're having to deal with your mom's worsening deterioration, but sadly this is what caretakers often face: a parent behaving like a child who, rather than growing up, continues to regress, dementia or not. I wouldn't expect much from her in the way of apologies or gratitude, and it's unlikely you'll ever be able to "get through" to her about needing the time to meet your own needs. As the years went by, Mom become more and more self-absorbed and insular, disinterested in anyone or anything but her own wants. I hope you'll take the time to explore alternative living arrangements or bring in help, because your mom will continue her decline. Establish and maintain very firm boundaries, not for your mom but for yourself. Otherwise your physical and mental health will likely suffer the consequences. Self-care isn't selfish!
I've read your posts and don't like being the one to tell you. There's no such thing as a two-household separation rule if anyone had a living situation involving an elderly parent or grandparent. If it's your house the elder is living in sometimes they behave a little better. If it's their house that you're living in, forget it. That's their leverage and control. When an adult child moves back in with an elderly parent to "help" them it always goes way beyond that even when an elder can still do for themselves. Their adult child in their home then becomes a sort of slave who must be at their beck and call 24 hours a day. The agreement both people make in the beginning is that the adult child will live with them to help out and keep up on things like housework, doing the bills, cooking, and generally looking after their parent. It is never just that. Elderly people get needy and bored very often. They also become jealous and resentful of their adult child living with them when they have any outside life that the elderly parent isn't part of and doesn't control.
That's when the abusive behavior and unreasonable demands like drop what you're doing and pick up my bookmark start. It's also when the 'performances' start too.
The performances are usually fabricated health crises, staged falls, and working themselves up into hysterics for attention. They can get taken so far that the 'actor' (usually an elderly mom) will go so far as to insist on going to the ER.
I'm willing to bet that you get a performance when you're looking forward to doing something that she isn't part of. Anything from a planned dinner out with friends, someone's birthday party, or even just going to work. I can't tell you how many "emergency" calls I used to get at work from my mother.
You have to learn to put your foot down and take back some of your control. Ignore some of it. You have to learn to keep parts of your life private and secret from her too. Otherwise she will take those over too. You have every right to enjoy your hobbies without her, or to have a life outside of your live-in care situation that mom isn't part of.
Let her rant and rave and carry on because you stop being at her beck and call. At some point it will quiet down because mom will realize that she is only a part of your life. Not your entire life.
Then you will likely get something from her that you (like me) have never experienced in your life from your mom. Respect.
Trust me, you'll love it.
Secondly, you must hire some outside help(with mum's money)to come in to give you much needed breaks, so you can once again start doing the hobbies you enjoy. That is the most important thing a caregiver can do for themselves, or as you are discovering, it leads to burnout.
And of course you always have the option to place her in the appropriate facility, where she will be around other folks her age, and just might thrive.
So you are not stuck in this situation, you have some good options. Your care is just as important as mum's, so now you must do what is best for you and your mental health, and only you know what that is.
And of course when all else fails, you can do what a seasoned caregiver in my local caregivers group said she did when caring for her mom, and things just got to be too much, and that is go out on your back porch/patio and scream at the top of your lungs. I know you said that for some reason you can't do that, but if you would just give that a try, I think you would be amazed how cleansing and freeing that is. I know, because I did it while caring for my husband. God bless you.
As others suggested, do hire outside help with her funds for some needed time OUT for you. This might be good for her as well. Some people behave "differently" when others (non-family) are around. But, it's also good for her to have interactions with others. Once a routine is established, use that time to get out, do something for yourself, run your errands, whatever, just to be out of the house.
IF she's very low income and can't afford home caregivers, perhaps explore Medicaid - they do provide a small amount of in-home care hours (varies by state.)
Headphones and/or earplugs first! As with plane safety, where you put your oxygen mask on first, you block the obnoxious, then think about attending to others!
I never even considered ignoring because I've always been a people pleaser and hate not doing something if someone needs help. If she's manipulating that then I definitely need to take a step back.
I mean, she's supposed to be shielding but that hasn't stopped her from breaking the two-household support bubble rule. I can't see my partner, while she's inviting different people round every day when I'm at work! They always leave before I get home leaving me to deal with her in the evenings, but if they're okay with disobeying the rules I may talk to them about staying longer. I already stay late at work, finding untaxing jobs to fill some time before I leave, but it's clearly not working.
Hopefully, with your suggestions, I can start to get through to her.
Nanny cam. See what she actually does during the day when you aren't there. If she can get around and do for herself, then step back even more!
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