How do I be nice every darned day?
Hi fellow elder care people,
I sure could use some advice, please?
My elderly aunt, 70, has been mentally handicapped since birth, but functioned enough to live alone all her life. She's hard of hearing since her 40s and won't wear an amplifier or a hearing aid. On 2/13 she fell out of the shower, didn't call for help for 16 hours, and when I got there, bone was poking through her ankle AND her wrist was purple AND she had healing bruises on her cheeks, hips and bridge of her nose. There was almost no food in her house, and apparently she's been forgetting her own items at the laundromat she insists on going to, because all the clothing I've bought her is gone, so are all the nice linens, most of her towels, etc. Now I'm in charge of finding an assisted living space once she's out of skilled nursing. She no longer communicates.
My biological father, 80, and his wife, 80, are declining rapidly. Last week my stepmother fell (as she does daily) but this time she fractured one vertebrae and cracked three ribs. *EXTREME* osteoporosis. My father can barely walk, and she is bent over and shuffles in a walker. They bicker all day, every day.
My biological mother, 78, is slipping mentally so rapidly. Her husband is scrambling to cover up her issues and take on everything. He's had 2 strokes already and I'm worried about his stress level.
Today, my biological father cried tears in my car when I was driving him to his 7th dentist's appointment in 30 days. He said that if it comes to putting his wife in assisted living, he'll kill her and himself. (He won't, he's a big blowhard). But he is in deep despair all the time and SO negative.
Meanwhile, I'm running a business amid a pandemic; I have a very demanding career; I am working 60+ hour weeks to make up for the losses of time and money from Covid+ elder care. There will be no inheritance from any of them, so my retirement is moving further away as I care for them all and lose money in the process. I am trying to keep as much of my drama with them as I can from my relationship because my bf definitely "doesn't want to hear it".
I'm exhausted! When any of them call me, it's always 11 minutes before the biggest conference call of the day. My stepmom especially will call 24/7 and ask me, "Honey, where did I put my spare thing?" "What thing?" "You know, the thing I used to use for the eggs." No idea. Or she will panic and leave me five voicemails because she thinks they are "out of sauerkraut". There are now 7 jars in the pantry. I counted this morning.
My biological mother cries because she "loves me so much" whenever she sees me, and asks me questions that are completely loony. She forgets everything these days and only wants to play this repetitive, stupid card game 6-8 hours a day with my dad and me. Ugh!
I feel like I'm falling apart. I've become snappish. I care about them all, but I don't want to care for any of them anymore. I meditate every day. I try to take time for myself, for reading, for relaxing for at least an hour every day. PLEASE help me be less short-tempered, more loving to them! I'm open to every suggestion.
PS = My biological dad told me that he blames himself because my grandfather was so vile to him that he had to go outside for a smoke when grandpa was in the hospital and sure enough, he died during the 10 minutes my dad was outside! I don't want to be mean, but I'm starting to dread all my relatives!!
Stepmom finally got surgery for vertebrae fractures today...weeks after injury.
Aunt died on March 30 - no one knows how she died weeks after a broken ankle - while in a nursing home. It wasn't Covid. I saw her a few days before, We're at peace with one another.
Biological dad has been given the Come to Jesus conversation.
Mom's dementia is worsening, but I decided she's the least needy of the group since my stepdad is spending his whole life every day trying to cover up the fact that she's gone off the deep end. I've backburnered them until further notice.
Thanks everyone for being on this site. I really, honestly couldn't do this without all of you. xoxo
so... you know where this is going.... SHE NEEDS HELP..... PUT HER INTO A FACILITY THAT HAS 24/7 CARE... can YOU imagine how that must have felt to get to a phone, or scream for help... or have someone find her that way... This same scenario happened to a neighbor... His caretaker could not stay for the night, and when caretaker got back to the home... he was in the bathroom... fallen down and could not get back up...
hence the companies for the panic buttons for elderlies...
please note that some people will choose their death when nobody is around.. like your grandpa.. grandpa waited for dad to leave the room to pass. I have been told this by so many friends and family what has happened to them..or how their LO'S passed, and I have experienced it too...
get the LO's you know who cannot survive without their " left-hand man" (you) into a senior care facility, etc... that way, YOU WILL BE AT THE HELM.. .DIRECTING... See, if you get them into a facility near you, you let the facility do the heavy lifting - and you can settle into a routine of overseeing their care by amking sure the facility is taking care of your LO's, and your LO's needs are covered and taken care of. You just make sure your LO's have all their meds, and hygiene , and supplements, clothing, comfort, comfort care are filled and available. Your job is to go visit, do your observations, make sure they are taken care of properly, and you just dote and love the person or persons you are seeing. It is okay... They want you their to talk and visit,,, not run around, making sure someone isn't tripping, falling, or hallucinating because of a UTI.. etc... You are there to love them, and give them emotional support, and happiness, memories, and treats.. do not forget the treats.... !!
And, please think of yourself and what YOU need in regard to your relationship with your BF. You need someone who will make all of this easier, if only just to listen to you, than harder by trying not to involve him in this area of your life that is overwhelming you right now.
I hold you, and all of us, in my heart....
Given what all you have going, plus attempting to be productive in your own life, I would suggest starting by finding a geriatric manager who you could partner with to start the 'processes'. I do not know what the going rate is in your state, but where we live, the going rate is about $125/hr (that also is for travel) BUT if it removes some of the stress from your life and gives you some time, AND results in a better longer-term solution, then it is well worth it. Your health and well being is of utmost importance right now- this much stress can cause serious issues with your body and mind. I can attest to that. I have attempted to be the responsible one and help family members with declining mental and physical health at age 90+, only to be the one who needed the medical attention.
Time for you to find appropriate alternative living arrangements that are within their monthly budgets. Although having home health care person could help alleviate some of the stress, they are not there full time and the remaining time would fall upon your shoulders of responsibility. Plus, they do cost $$ - once again, in our area, the going rate is $40/hr. And if your seniors are anything like my mother, they don't WANT a 'stranger' in the house, and that person can't seem to do anything right...SIGH...
At this point, start the process of finding the facilities, applying for Medicaid, if needed. Get appraisals on their homes to see what funds can be found and used for their longer term care. If you are the sole caretaker, get all the legal paperwork done that enables you to make legally binding decisions. Talk to their doctors and partner with them. Many times hospitals have 'outreach' nurses who will work with you and your seniors to assess the on a continual basis and then make recommendations to both you and the doctor if there are changes.
Setting boundaries is important, although I found it didn't work with my elderly mother. She would agree to them, only to forget what they were the next day. And yes, I can't begin to tell you how, just how much I absolutely DREADED that phone ringing at 1am or 4am with either one of their neighbors calling with the situation or, on several occasions, the police or the ER. I can't even enjoy a nice relaxing wine buzz for fear I will get a phone call and have to jump up and be totally coherent and responsible.
Vacations - sort of have forgotten what they are -each time we made plans we had to cancel due to some 'emergency'. I am no longer young and as abled bodied as I used to be, and look ahead to see if and when will I have the ability to go ON an actual vacation in a few years or will my health have declined so much that I can't. I mean, the last vacation - one which was 5 days - was in 1992! Every other 'vacation' was an overnighter where we could drive back home quickly if there was an emergency.
You need a break, you need to downsize the amount of care and responsibilities that you are currently doing. And you can't feel bad or guilty about doing so. You have to take care of yourself.
Every area of our country is covered by an area agency on aging. Google it, put in you zip code and you should be led to the one for your family members. Call them. Talk to them. They are bound to have some resources if only to help you get respite. You are going to have to do something very tough though...set some limits for yourself and them. This can't go on. I have cursed out the elders I live with (both deaf so they are clueless for the most part). They are too much. My mother is 98 with dementia and some days I think my 103 year old father is worse to deal with than she is. He thinks I am here to take on all of what she used to do and I will not, not anymore. It's not possible. I'm trying to hold down a part time job, working remotely, and he still wants dinner on the table at 6 rather than 7. Like the Keebler elves are helping me behind the closed doors.
For me it is very hard to not be short tempered or angry, but this is the worst thing for my own well being. The other day I was stressed because of my mother's antics and found myself in the garage getting something out of the back of my car. I saw my reflection in the dirty back window and my strained heavier breathing and the look on my face...and I knew this was just not good and I needed to calm down. Sometimes the best thing to do is avoid them. Seriously. Be unavailable. I am hopeful you are soon to learn about some resources. REMEMBER you will be of zero help if something happens to YOU. And the old story about being on an airplane and how the directions are to put your OWN oxygen mask on FIRST before children, so that you are able to help them. Good luck and take good care. If nothing else, you can always call adult protective services.
If you're becoming 'snappish' as you've said it's because you're trying to give more than any one person has to give. It would be impossible for a single person to handle the needs of ONE of your family members while still working a full-time job and maintaining their own family and home. That person would have to make caring for ONE of them their entire life.
There is no way on earth you or any one person could do this much care for four different people. All you can do now is find alternative living arrangements for your aunt and if it's possible for your three parents to remain at home, then paid caregivers to tend to their needs. This is what you have to give them. So don't beat yourself up with guilt and shame because you can't meet all the needs of basically four invalid adults. No one person on earth could do it.
not everyone needs to know how or when our pray, what you do or don't believe in... FAITH, PRAYER, AND BELIEF IS FOR YOU. :)
My kid's friend is in a church, and she needed to memorize The Lord's Prayer. When my kid recited it to her... she was shocked: "How do you know this? You don't go to church! " my kid answered," My mom and I say that prayer every night."
then we ask God to Bless our family, pets, grandmas and grandpas, and all of our extended friends and family. The list gets shorter as we get older.. then we say all of our angels up in Heaven. :)
He started working on the other side for venures.. or whatever they are called...
Why was her mouth all of a sudden falling apart? I don't Know. So I took her to My Dentist........ The tooth truth came out. You Do Not Need Venures In The Back Of Your Mouth... That is for "esthetics.. Looks better than yellow teeth?"
SO THAT PROCEDURE WAS NOT NECESSARY.........ON MY MOTHER... Nor The Stress It Caused Her...
ON That note: Cleaning The teeth for geriatrics over 86 years of age, may not be so good either..." WHY WOULD YOU TAKE YOUR MOM TO GET HER TEETH CLEANED AT THIS AGE?" THE ER DOCTOR asked me... :( That caused her to have a seizure..... And I Thought I was Doing Good for her... getting her teeth cleaned.....nope....
so hope you understand that a lot of stress was put onby making sure that geriatric teeth were taken care of..... And then, not to mention, .... teeth, gums, and blood... blood travels... and if your geriatric has dentures that are not looked after accordingly... could lead to heart issues.... blood travels.. and the mouth, teeth, and gums can attribute to heart issues..... YIKES... yuck and good luck.
From your comment:
"...I went to my boyfriend's house anyway, determined not to mention to him the struggles I was having, because he doesn't like it. But it spilled out! I said, "I'm sorry I just told you all that. I know it upsets you when I talk about what I'm going through with them. But could you tell me WHY you don't want me to even mention this topic when we're together?"
He said, "Because there's nothing I can do to help, so I'm not the one you should be telling. Plus, I don't understand why you don't just stop doing things for all of them. You owe them nothing! None of them have done anything for you in your whole life!" (Actually, that's rather true!)
So I stopped talking but then he randomly said, "There's got to be a social worker or someone you can call. Talk to them about this, not me.""
ANYONE who hears someone spilling their woes over and over gets tired of it and will tend to drift away. I don't care who they are, co-workers, friends, family, none want to hear the sad song played all the time! I learned this some time ago. It's fine now and then, but I do understand it gets tedious and they don't want to deal with it. Been there, done that. BF is no different. That does NOT make him a bad person or heartless or uncaring.
I am glad that you had the wherewithal to ask him why he doesn't like to hear it. Communication is SO important in a relationship. His answer was truthful and honestly I saw nothing wrong with what he had to say. It WAS the truth. There isn't really anything he can do to alleviate your stress - just listening isn't enough. They are not his relatives, so why should he be involved in their care? He also pointed out, and you agreed, that they really didn't do much for you, so you don't really "owe" them anything. That doesn't mean you don't or shouldn't care, but it also doesn't mean that you have to be the one to take care of everything. You find them the care they need and leave it for others to do the necessary work, allowing you to be a caring daughter/niece again.
He also gave you good advice - contacting the SW. THAT was a start. You've gotten more help for those two. Now use some of that "free" time to sort out what needs to be done. For me, as I said in my other comment, that means finding the right sources to get them all into state care. They are NOT going to improve, even if you had another 60 hours a week to devote to them. They are ALL only going to become more needy, physically, mentally and financially. This is a job for a village, not one person trying to keep herself afloat!
Do consider the EC atty I mentioned. Many will offer a first free consult. I would NOT pay to have this atty manage all that needs to be done for them, but rather to CYA to ensure you don't get sucked into any physical or financial responsibility. Even if you have to pay for some time with the atty, it will likely be less in the long run than what you are trying to cover now for these 5 people!
Again, do let us know how things progress. Once you can get them all under state care, do come back and share your experiences. You may be able to help guide the next person who finds themselves in a similar situation!
I did skim through, mainly your responses and found this:
"I am preparing to take actions to put them in a government-funded assisted living, since they are indigent."
This is likely the best solution. They should qualify - if you can get a free initial consult with EC atty, do so. It might be worth paying for additional time/service, just to protect yourself - when it comes time to signing paperwork, you want to be sure that all responsibility, legal and financial, is shifted so you will have NONE. The only downsides to state intervention is having no say in where they will live or what medical care they get, but at this point what could anyone really do?
No way you should be spending all your earnings to support all these people. Since you also indicated they squandered most everything and have nothing, they should qualify for Medicaid (no idea what their income is, so that would have to be worked out.) This does not mean you don't care anymore, it just means they will be in a safer place, with oversight and care AND it will allow you to be YOU again. You can still care about them and once separated from all this chicken-with-head-cut-off running around might actually be able to enjoy visits with them. Once they are all safely ensconced in a care facility, TAKE A BREAK! Typically it is suggested we stay away for at least a week or two, maybe even longer, to give them time to adjust. It also gives YOU a good breather and you NEED that yesterday!
It would likely be a massive undertaking to deal with all at once, so prioritize and focus on those who are most in need of care. It sounds like your aunt might be #1 on that list, but you have to weigh all of them to make that call. I'm not sure AL would be the right place for her - she sounds like perhaps a NH would be better suited to her needs.
Be prepared for some backlash too. During that "breather" period after they've been moved, it might be best to block calls from them - any calls will only add to your angst and stress. Once you do make contact again, blame the situation on the state, the doctors, whoever you can. Always be sure to lay the blame elsewhere. If any of them get angry while you are visiting, excuse yourself and leave. Hopefully eventually the worst will be behind you and maybe the relationships can be more civil.
I can't even imagine how you've managed all this for this long. I "helped" my mother while she was still living in her place for a while and managed everything for her after she was moved to MC. I found all that exhausting sometimes and she was only 1 person and I'd been laid off when it all started, so I wasn't working. Other issues were at play, but nothing like what you've been doing!
Do let us know how things work out.
Osteoporosis relative - it's going to get worse. Ask dr about Forteo, daily shot for 2 years. Regrows strong bone. After two years, my mom's bone density test showed back in the normal range (better than mine!) and has not had any compression fractures since starting it. Still bent over, but no longer threat of another compression fracture in spine/pelvis, etc just because she sits down harder than she should at times.
Boyfriend - remember his words because at some point in time his family will need similar help or he will. Or you will need his help. He is probably not a caretaker, but may expect care from you that he wouldn't give you or others. Have a plan ready for when you need help and, if possible, have a discussion with him about what his plan might be for himself.
Relatives - Get them into facility care, assisted living or nursing home, so couples remain together while getting the kind of care they need. You can care for them without providing all the care for this many people. You will be able to enjoy visits with each of them instead of burning out trying to care for them.
Best wishes to you for some quiet time without so much worry.
If Mother, Father, STEP Mother & STEP Father are not open for help from the professionals, then I suggest you stop answering their phone calls. Only receive their voice messages and check on them occasionally with a "happy card".
Auntie does need your help now with placement. The skilled facility she is in at present SHOULD have information to help you get Auntie placed. Do not worry or feel guilty if possible. Try to step back and let the professionals handle them. Talk with a person that has a listening ear.
The struggle is real. Hang tough & breathe. You have a good heart.
anger at my sister who seldom helps out and who is living her retirement without interference. On top of that, I've moved my recovering addicted son here and dealing with all his issues. My husband is sick and has constant docs and medical needs. Yet I have nowhere near the five people your dealing with, my heart breaks for you. We're literally running hospitals, you and I, and we never signed on for that. But here we are. They need us. All I can say is this Bible verse has helped me tremendously..."Do all things without murmurings and disputings: That ye may be blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world; Matthew 5:14-15... Along with this one "And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men" Col 3:23. To be honest, I'm only human and as long as I live here, I always will be. That means I'll get upset...who wouldn't? We're not angels, we're people. But those two verses have given me much comfort and helped correct my attitude many times. I hope they help you too.
1. Find out if any of the relatives have a will or what arrangements they have for their care in the elder years which is now. No arrangements? Then contact a good eldercare lawyer who can tell you what you need to do to have POA or most likely guardianship of the relatives. Payment of lawyer will come out of what your relatives have saved up.
2. Time to find outside help if relatives want to stay home for care. If they refuse... then a nursing home will be the next choice.
3. Be firm with all of them. If you were not around... then what would happen to all the relatives ? hummm.. I bet they would be at a loss. Then the worst thing would be an outsider take advantage of the relative and leave them penniless.
You need to take care of YOU first. No sense of running around and then you end up in a hospital or worse. I suggest you check out videos of Careblazers on you tube. short and to the point. Also very helpful for your sanity.
God bless you and I do hope it all works out soon.
Others may say this so I will as well, you need to take care of yourself first: 7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep every day, 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace, "time off the clock" daily and weekly to care for your needs (health, relationships, and stuff you enjoy). Don't forget to create enough time for work so you can fund your own retirement. Nobody will do that for you (I am working on getting this one covered at 58 years-old and re-entering work in health care).
Leftover time can be used to care for all the seniors in your life. You may already realize that you can not be a 24/7 caregiver (full time work negates full time caregiving); so don't feel guilty that this is not a viable option. The goals are that everybody is healthy and safe. Since aunt is not safe or healthy at home, she probably needs to enter a residential facility. If she is still in the hospital or rehab, ask social work to help you with a permanent placement for her because that is part of their job. All the parents need evaluation by their primary care doctor(s) for physical issues, mental health issues, and mental competency. Don't be surprised if their doctor(s) make referrals to neurologists and/or geriatric psychiatrists for more complete evaluations and care. Depending on your seniors finances and insurance, they may qualify for home health aides or residential care. If finances are inadequate, then they should apply for public aid/Medicaid.
It might be in your best interest to get all the seniors to a lawyer that specializes in family care to get wills, power of attorney for medical, and power of attorney for finances completed. The aunt who is mentally incompetent may need to have a legal guardian appointed by the court to take over her care. With the POAs, you can then help your seniors with decisions on care. Without the POAs and if they are mentally incompetent, they would each need a legal guardian appointed by the court to decide on their care. The family lawyer can help your seniors file for Medicaid or can direct you to senior services in your area for more help with this.
Excellent... take the first couple of days to rest and relax and think about nothing else.
Then take 2 days to figure out a permanent solution and the steps to make it happen, list each step with appropriate phone numbers, etc.
THEN, STOP thinking about all of them again, and spend the last 6 days enjoying yourself.... maybe walks, massage, hair, nails, treat yourself out to eat if you can (depending on your state... I'm in Florida, so the outside dining spots are great).
When you go back home, put your plan into effect. ( !! Really easy for someone else to suggest all this ) .... but ultimately it will be your decision. Just whatever you decide, do not second guess yourself. Take care and please report back along the way and let us know how you are doing !!
If they need more, they would have to pay $10-$12 an hr to get someone to Care for them.
If they need more help, they'll all have to go into a Senior Home.
Prayers
God bless you for honoring your loved ones through the gift of service.
* FIVE MINUTES
- Research on-line meditations, i.e., Rick Hanson is good, Greater Good is excellent. Many short visualizations / meditations available.
- Meditate on breath. Stop, sit down, focus on the space in-between the in and out breath.
* BE CLEAR, NOT MEAN
- Once you realize that you can set boundaries (on what you do and how much time you give to another), you will own your right to YOU / your time. Know what you want to do, express it "I can do xxx now... as this is a priority." ... "I cannot do that now." Period. Do not explain. Explaining is a way of dealing with guilt. Once you feel solid in yourself, you won't feel a need to explain. A simple "I do not have time now . . . I am busy now" is enough.
* SMALL RENEWALS
- Take a warm bath
- Get a massage (even feet massage is good - I am a massage therapist).
- Buy yourself a rose and sit and look at it.
- Commit to read a PEOPLE ? magazine or a few pages / chapter of a book.
- Learn to do nice things for yourself.
KNOW
* If you keep going on empty, you will burn out.
* What you are doing affects your health and well-being.
* You cannot take care / be available to another until you are first available to your own self-care.
THIS IS A PROCESS
* Being aware of your own needs and boundaries is new. It takes constant awareness - moment to moment.
* You are changing automatic behaviors and this requires commitment and talking nice to yourself.
- Learn to give yourself pep talks. "I love myself" . . . "I am doing good setting limits with others."
LEARN / SAY the Serenity Prayer
* I did that last week asking for the serenity to . . . asking for support and help is empowering and powerful. Continue to reach out.
JOURNAL
* Get a notepad and write, write, write.
* Buy yourself a DVD or CD (Music) that you like.
I’m exhausted just reading this.
It’s time to place several them somewhere otherwise WHO will take care of you?