How do I acquire more patience taking care of my father in law when I don't like him as a person?

Having your FIL living with you when his own son has a questionable relationship with him isn't a good idea anymore, if it ever was to begin with. With worsening dementia at play, it's probably a good idea to look into placing him in a Memory Care Assisted Living residence now. When you don't like a person, and already have too much on your plate, how you can get past all the patience issues and turn into someone with a great attitude is beyond me. I could never do it, and I know that, so I placed both of my own folks in AL back in 2014 when they needed lots of care. My dad passed in 15 and my 94 y/o mother is still alive and living in the Memory Care bldg of the same ALF nowadays. With her worsening dementia and lots of other issues including being wheelchair bound, there is NO WAY I could ever care for her here at my home. It's just too much. She and I would be fighting all day long and we'd make ourselves miserable in the process of daily life.

Know yourself, know your limitations, and don't try to get blood from a turnip. Dementia usually reaches a point where in-home care becomes impossible for most of us humans, and this may be that time for you & your FIL. If placement is not possible for whatever reason, then find a good therapist who can teach you some coping skills, and get out of the house for several hours a day after you hire in-home caregivers to relieve you (or whoever is doing his primary caregiving now).

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.

These are not YOUR parents and your DH isn't doing much, if anything to help you with the constant stress and work of caring for his dad.

I highly doubt you can change HIM...in fact, if he's happy with the current dynamic, you are in for an epic fail.

Your first priority is your own family. whether you think so or not, your anger and frustration about caring for FIL is seen by the kids. And they may come to resent grandpa and how much time of yours he takes.

A big issue is that DH isn't stepping up to help. That has to rankle the soul. My Dh didn't/couldn't help with his dad at his EOL. He just fell apart and let me handle it all and then was critical of what I was doing and how I was treating him. I refused to let FIL move in with us and DH still reminds me of that, 16 years later.

Time for FIL to move to a community setting where he can be dealt with by professionals who won't crash and burn b/c one of their clients is grouchy. He probably won't be 'happy' but then, what would you expect of him? At least he'd be somewhere with safe care and 3 meals a day and probably some grouchy old guys who will be his best buddies.

Just b/c at one period of time, you felt that you could/should have MIL and FIL live with you doesn't mean it's still the best dynamic.

You'll completely burn out and he won't even notice nor care. Doesn't make him a bad person, that kind of behavior is normal, yet annoying.

Prioritize your life and put FIL where he will be 'like' the people he's around. He can still be a part of your family, wherever he goes.

Good Luck!

I think it is a moot point who suggested the move in. I guess that gets filed with "lessons learned" and serves here as a cautionary tale. But now is the time to address what to do about it.
I would sit with my husband and explain that I cannot go on caring for his Dad. That if the Dad doesn't move now to care, you will have to consider moving as well, much as you love your husband. That you will attempt to find a home nearby during the separation, but will need a legal separation; that you will attempt to support him in ways that you are able, but that this cannot continue.
That would be me. Not a difficult decision for me, in fact. But only YOU can weigh things and make the decision best for you. What the past was is irrelevant at this time.
I wish you the very best.

I'm wondering why you feel obligated to continue on with his care in your house, when you yourself said that your husband doesn't have much of a relationship with him,(and he's his father, not yours) and if you're honest he probably could care less either way.
Your husband and your children should be your number one and only priority. It's time for your FIL to move out. I don't know if your husband will help you find the appropriate facility for him or not, but that needs to be done ASAP. The damage it's doing to you and your family, having him in the same house, is not good or healthy for all involved.
I wish you the very best as you find your FIL a new place to live.

You are not "being an a******", you are getting what's called "burn out". Your dilemma reminds me of a bump sticker I saw that read, "The beatings will continue until the attitudes improve". You meant to do a loving and noble thing but could not have had any idea of this thing called burn out. Your well-being and that of your marriage and family come first. You've done yeoman's work to this point, so you can have peace in your heart about that much (which is a lot!). He won't improve, in fact he will get worse and worse, which means YOU won't improve. If I were in your shoes I'd find a reputable, local facility and transition him there without one iota of guilt. He won't like it and it won't "feel good" inside you for a while. But please know that things will get so much better for all involved after he's resettled.

Ha? Crikey. I'm not sure I'd still be able to see the funny side if I were in your shoes.

This has got rather beyond what is reasonable, no? - and from there, this being no reflection on you whatsoever because you are a human with human limits, it may risk developing beyond what is safe.

So. What are the options? What are you and DH thinking and saying to one another?

I am so very sorry that you are in this predicament.

No one ever thinks it will be as bad as it is and sometimes it ends up being worse!

I believe in miracles but I have to tell you that I don’t see a miracle appearing in this situation. It actually sounds like a nightmare!

Many of us have been haunted by continuing nightmares in our dream world.

This situation is ‘real life’ and it is long past time to wake up!

I am not judging you in any way. I was in your situation.

I had my mom living with us for 15 years. Too much togetherness is difficult, no matter who we are caring for. You have it especially hard!

I also cared for my dad and brother.

Caregiving is most definitely a challenge and can also be a heartbreaking experience.

Very often we don’t see how damaging caregiving is in our lives until we step away from it. The weight of the world is then removed from our shoulders.

Wishing you all the best.

Let’s say that your FIL had a broken hand 5 years ago. You got him the help for that issue.
The help for the issues that you are all facing for the broken part of his body NOW, will look very different from the simple broken part of his body 5 years ago.
There is nothing wrong with trying to get help that looks different for different issues. It will just take a different approach.
You’ve been given great advice by other posters, as to how to proceed going forward.
Best wishes.

they are all correct.father in law needs to be in a health care facility where staff will be kind and caring 24/7. you tried your best..but one day , you will snap and say horrible things to your fil that will haught you forever..this happens all the time. I lived in a facility ...dad said that one day his daughter dropped him off at his new apartment (early stage dementia), gave him the keys and left for their florida vacation! no turning back! I got to know both father and daughter..both were great people. dad was mad but came to realize that it was best for everyone. be thankful that your husband would not fight you in finding an appropriate facility for fil :)

I do agree with the others that your FIL needs another living arrangement.

That said, it is important to bring up some topics:
1) does he have decent income/assets?
2) does he have other medical conditions?

If he has sufficient income to cover the cost of MC, this should be the planned new "home." Will he be happy there? Maybe, maybe not, but he certainly doesn't sound very happy now and YOU certainly aren't! Hopefully all the POA documents, will, etc have been taken care of already. POA doesn't allow you to force him to move, but with dementia there are "ways" to facilitate it. POAs merely allow you to manage finances and health concerns. IF no one has the POAs, he may be beyond capability of granting them, so guardianship would have to be applied for. Neither POA nor guardianship means you have to take care of him, they just give you the means to facilitate his care.

If he does not have sufficient funds to cover the cost of MC, then you might have to consider Medicaid. This can be highly dependent on what state you live in. Each state has it's own income limit, and most don't cover the cost of AL or MC, primarily NH. The problem with NH (and Medicaid) is there usually has to be a medical reason for needing SNF.

Navigating POAs, guardianship and Medicaid are best done with help from an EC attorney. Some will give you a free initial consult, limited, so have all questions drawn up, have some indication of income and assets, and hopefully a medical Dx. If you do end up hiring one, FILs income/assets should pay for this.

If he were to qualify for Medicaid and NH, but his assets are over the limit (~2k), you can spend it down on approved things such as a prepaid burial plan, and the cost of the facility. Once the assets are down to 2k, his regular income and Medicaid would cover the cost of the facility.

If he qualifies for Medicaid, but not the NH, you would have to explore options with EC atty and Medicaid. Some will pay for limited in-home care-givers, which could take some heat off you until he does qualify for NH. Some states do cover MC, but the facility choices are limited.

Another option: Are there any elder day care places near you? If so, even one day a week would give you a breather until you can resolve the living arrangement.

It was GRACIOUS and NOBLE of you to take in your in-laws and care for them all this time. It is especially notable since your husband, their child, had no interest in a relationship with them! Caring for elders can be challenging, but also can be rewarding, esp for the grandkids. BUT, when they are (or become) just miserable AND then develop dementia, all bets are off the table! He is NOT going to get any better, only worse, so it is in YOUR best interest to take this bull by the horns and start making plans. Even though hubs doesn't participate in the care of his father, you just might be able to offload some of the footwork needed to get information, find daycares and MC facilities, find EC attys, etc, to get the ball rolling! Since he doesn't really care for his dad, he should be willing to help get him into another place to live out his remaining time!

Keep us posted!

It's time for your FIL to be found another living situation. Don't keep him in your house any longer. You state that your husband never had a good relationship with his parents and there isn't much of an emotional connection between him and them.
There's a reason for that. I'm not going to get religious on you here but there is a quote in the Bible that is very true. 'You reap what you sow'. If your husband doesn't feel any great obligation to take care of his father (or his mother when she was living), he is not wrong. You describe your FIL as an unkind, selfish, ingrate because that is what he is. You're the one taking care of him and describe him this way. You and your husband owe him nothing.
Your FIL needs to leave your home and be in a nursing home or assisted living facility. If he doesn't have money or resources to afford it, that is not your problem or responsibility. That's for your state's Department of Social Services to work out because it's their job, not yours.
It's not selfish of you and does not make you a bad human if you may not be willing to sacrifice your home, time, and family to become what I call an elder care-slave, and it sounds to me like that's exactly what you are.
You can still help and take care of your FIL, just in a different way. Finding him a new living situation that is decent will be helping and taking care of him. It will also help and take care of your husband and kids as well.

New plan time.

Kindest thing for all of you is to get a little space apart. Your family in your place - FIL in his own assisted living or memory care room. Where his cognitive, physical & emotional needs can be met - without undue burden to you.

Your patience with him may really improve when it is a visit instead of the daily grind.

You “volunteered to take my in laws in to live with us 5 years ago”. You now know that it was a mistake. Yes, we all make mistakes. Most of the time, we don’t have to live with them for ever – we get a chance to go back, appologise if necessary, make what you now know is the best decision with the benefit of hindsight. The exceptions can be about going to jail for 20 years for murdering someone. You didn’t do that, this is not one of the exceptional mistakes that can’t be put behind you.

You can be a good human being while you go back and reconsider the choices that you made 5 years ago. You can support your husband and your children, as well as your own father. Your FIL does not NEED you to go through this. Find another option!

Perhaps your “attitude isn't what I would want if the shoe were on the other foot”. But equally, You would hope that your own attitude then isn’t what you are trying to hard to put up with now.

I actually went through this same issue with my MIL. She was a very cold and selfish person, often just plain cruel. After my FIL passed away, she came to live with us. It didn't take long to realize that was a huge mistake. My breaking point was when my son explained his "safe zones" in the house, which were basically where his grandmother wasn't. I realized my MIL had options on where she could live, our son did not. We were making his home life miserable. So, we helped her find a more suitable living arrangement. Was she happy? Not really, but she was never happy anyway. But we got our home back, and our son didn't feel a need to hide in the basement.

Put your immediate family first. You'll all be happier.

The question isn't how to acquire more patience. The real question is how to remove him from your home. He's 78... he could live another 15+ years, and he is the sort who is too mean to die. That same anger kept my grandmother alive 94 years!

You had good intentions, but this is a mistake, and that happens. You gave it an honest effort with him living with you, but it is not working. You could have the patience of Jesus himself and it still wouldn't be enough to continue this.

How much hands-on work is your husband doing with him? Does he have any interest in mending their relationship? Doesn't sound like it, from what you say here. He isn't interested enough to take care of FIL, anyway. That's been thrown on you. You've been given another child to take care of.

As for your kids... I don't know their ages, but consider what they're witnessing. They're seeing their mother be disrespected by their grandfather. Do you want them thinking that this is normal? Would you like it if they grew up to have a spouse like your FIL? Because they're learning that it's okay to walk all over Mom.

If you have sons, they'll learn this is how wives/moms are to be treated. It's what women are there for, to serve and treat harshly.

If you have daughters, they'll learn it's okay to be walked upon and disrespected. That they must never show anger or emotion or objection at being mistreated. Just smile and make nice, be sweet and patient, be a people pleaser, just be quiet! Because she learned from your home that she isn't worth defending and abuse is okay.

Hey, if granddad can do it, why can't they?

Correcting them will be a lot harder since they aren't learning by example... no point in telling them to be polite, respectful, etc if it keeps happening in the home. And you keep allowing it.

You're approaching this in a casual "omg I'm exhausted haha" manner and this is concerning. It sounds like you've already gotten accustomed to being treated badly. This stuff is not a joke and I fear you're not seeing how serious this is. It's causing what could amount to permanent damage to your marriage and kids. It's already damaged you!

FIL needs 30-60 days and he needs to be out no later than that.

I agree with all the other advice here. Mine is more immediate and in the interim. Gray rock. You need to learn the technique and put it into play early and often until he moves out. It works!

Taking care of anybody is a demanding job. When a person has Alzheimer's disease (the most common type of dementia), folks do not realize that the care demands increase with time and never decrease. That said, you may have come to realize that the your father-in-law's needs have increased and you do not have the resources to cope with it alone. Talk with your husband, just the two of you, and discuss how your father-in-law's behavior is impacting each of the family members (stress, avoidance behaviors, acting out...). Then, consider options:

1 - If family members seem happy and well-adjusted, there is no need to find another place for FIL. Consider getting more people to help with his care: family members, friends, members of faith community, paid help... The goal is to create balance in your life and your home life. Balance will look like everybody getting 7-9 hours of sleep daily, 3 regular meals, "time off" for fun, and alone time as a couple. Each person's health needs should be able to be met as well.

2 - If you, your hubby, and/or the children are not happy having a "grumpy grandpa" in the house, Consider that FIL needs some mental health counselling. You and your hubby need to talk about how to handle unacceptable behavior with boundary-setting and appropriate consequences. I like the books by Townsend and Cloud about boundaries. I suggest reading their books along with joining a counselling group or seeing a therapist to help you with implementing changes.

3 - Please take your FIL to see his doctor about his behavior problems. The doctor may refer him to a geriatric psychiatrist for behavior/mental health issues. The doctor may also refer him to a neurologist for testing for dementia. Based on their examinations, they can let you know what to expect in the future of your FILs disease processes. If dementia patients live long enough, they come to the point of needing 24/7 care. That level of care is beyond the abilities of one caretake in the home. It may be more appropriate for a memory care placement.

I don't know how old you are, but nevertheless, please save what's left of your life and send him to another living situation. You are not enjoying life fully now because of this man. Life is not meant to be martyrdom. Get this burden off your shoulders with no guilt and enjoy your normal family life. I also had a horrible FIL and could never, ever do what you are doing. It would have ruined me, my marriage, my family. Doesn't sound like your husband will guilt-trip you at all. Moving him may be an ordeal, but only a temporary ordeal. When he is ensconced at a decent place, you can move on and let him deal with his own life.

This is your husbands father and even if it were your Dad, you have to realize that you have 3 children and a husband to care for, that in itself is a full time job! You will burn yourself out and you may be suffering from compassion burnout. Help yourself by taking care of your mental and physical being. Getting help to care for a loved one is not an easy task, but once you step back and really understand how much your doing and is not appreciated or if it is sometime people with dementia, All or Parkinson's can't express their emotions very effectively.
It's sad and can be painful at first, but you will be so glad that found some assistance you can get back to your normal existence and it will better for everyone, especially you.

Your life & the lives of your husband & children have to come first: never lose sight of that. This man’s poison will affect everyone near him. Time to put his caregiving into the hands of professionals! You have choices: are you going to put up with his (blank) or take charge? Hie dementia demands professional care, and your family shouldn’t have to have their lives ruined by it. Being a good human means care & compassion. When it is neither returned nor appreciated, you must consider other options. I feel for you, believe me, but this when this affects negatively your entire family’s life, you & your husband must make other arrangements.

Just a quick addition in case it matters. Now Long term care facilities are vaccinating staff and residents against covid, which really opens up options again for so many. Check what's happening in your state. Good luck!

You don't develop more patience - you accept you made an error trying to do the best thing and he has to move out. Where to depends on his needs for care, but he is not your responsiblity. Personally I think your husband must be a saint to have gone along with you and allowed them to move in in the first place - its time to worry about your husband and move this man out of your lives.
Am I hard about this - YES - having grown up in a household with a mother like your husband's father I still tried to do the right thing and have her to live with us when she needed care - within 3 years it was her or me and I had to admit I have been stupid through a sense of duty and although it caused a few months very unpleasant behaviour (and confused stupidity which had to be sorted out) she went into a AL facility - we still have odd weeks where we have to deal with anti behaviour (I feel for the staff she is so rude and obnoxious to them) but at least there is sanity in our home for my husband.

Your FIL will not be changing for the better, especially with Dementia.

It's hard enough to take care of someone that you like and love.

Depending on his dementia, you might try talking to him and letting him know he needs to start acting differently if he's going to continue living with you.

You can only pray real hard and try to let what he says go thru one ear and out the other.

Maybe he's bored?

Try to have things for him to do.

Pain't by number

Color

Play with kids magnetic blocks

Have a pet.

Play music he likes in his room.

Let him look at old family pictures.

See if your can get a family member to take him for the Weekend to give you a break.

Hire a Caregiver to come by once a day for 2-4 hrs or a couple times a week for a couple hrs.

Prayers

I am living in this type of situation with one twist. Both parents are still in their own home. My husband and I have supported them for 7, going on 8 yrs now. It’s progressed to 24/7 care using outside caregivers and ourselves. We live 70 miles from them so it’s been a constant commute for one or both of us on top of still working professional jobs. Family who live in the area refuse to take responsibility beyond getting their groceries. One parent is a Jekyll and Hyde - often great to converse with but doesn’t hold the right people accountable. So when we set limits or legitimately complain we are “punished” with name calling, silent treatment, gaslighting, manipulation and other forms of emotional/psych abuse. We have reached our limit. Sad, but it’s come down to “them or us”. With Covid vaccine beginning to be distributed we are hoping there are safe options now in facilities. We’ve begun our search, and set a time limit for April 1. With experience I can tell you, you can do it for a long time when you are a compassionate, strong person, but that doesn’t mean you have to, or should. I cannot imagine not having a home to escape to. I know I have done the impossible and yet I have a limit. At this point, it’s negatively affecting our health and well being and every aspect of our life. It’s time to stop. You need to know where YOUR line is. You also must protect yourself - you do not have to care for someone who is hurting you. There are many ways to compassionately support him from afar. Good luck. I’ve said a little prayer for you!

Maybe view the situation with a different perspective. It's so extremely difficult to care for someone I know, but maybe because of your feeling of dislike for him at least you perhaps don't feel the overwhelming sense of sadness, loss, and even depression that one usually experiences if they love the person.

Hi, Mom!

Everyone here is giving good advice and I hope I won't over-step when I weigh in on this too.

First, you are NOT being an a******!! You have a husband and kids (and yourself!)--all of you need to come first. My FIL was EXACTLY like you describe. When he got sick after my MIL died, I told my husband I would take him and I still had two children at home. He said no. He told me that a man like that would ruin my life and our marriage and he wasn't willing to do that. My FIL went into a facility, and my husband was right. He tortured everyone who ever cared for him, calling them the names he used to reserve for the women in the family.

Some people can't be helped. Some don't appreciate the help given. You've done your stint in hell. Think of how differently you'd feel if he were different. You'd still be exhausted--you do a LOT. But you would be calmer, happier, and feel better about yourself than you do now. He brought a lot of this on himself.

Please take care of yourself.
--Essie

You haven’t mentioned anything about your husband and how he’s helping to care for his father. All I hear is that you’re the project manager & flunkie in this situation. I could be wrong (and I don’t mean for this to come across harsh) but it sounds to me that there is multi level highly unhealthy codependent behaviors going on here to your family’s detriment. Why are you sacrificing the overall health of your marriage & children to this man? Before you know it, your children will be grown and gone. At some point, they’ll figure out that their parents should have protected them from this toxicity, but instead, they came last.

Praying for patience is always tough because we aren't really sure we want it, but it's a worthy prayer. May God bless you and give you the grace you need as you work to care for so many others.

I can't begin to imagine all that you're juggling. I barely have a sample portion of your situation. My mom lives with us (since October) and has dementia, Alzheimer's, and post covid affects. She needs assistance for a lot of tasks, but tries to hold on to her independence. My husband and my mom don't have a good history. She's been cold towards him from the beginning. (My 2nd marriage & she preferred my ex)... My husband takes things personal as if intentionally against him. Although my mom tries to do better, her memory is getting worst. I'm trying to make the most of these final years but it's not easy. I ask myself what matters more. I try to balance church, family, work, and home. My home is usually last on the list, so my house is a mess, which disturbs my husband. I feel like a hamster on a wheel I really would like my husband to be more involved to help me with my mom rather than to expect more of me. My suggestion is to have tasks deligated. Maybe children and spouse can help? No one wants dementia or Alzheimer's and the person had no choice but to accept it. Aging can be scary... Final years, no longer enjoying life, and dependant of others. Try to look past the actions and make the time memorable for those who will remember the time shared.

It sounds like you need some help, too! If you get burned out, you'll not be able to care for yourself or others. Your first responsibility is to your husband and family. Dementia can get worse, and he may require more care in the future. Could you handle that? It may be time to re-evaluate his living situation. Can you get aides to help, so that you get breaks? Is it time for him to move to assisted living? Can you and your husband talk to him to see how he feels about it? Some people prefer assisted living, as they will have people around them their own age. If his dementia is severe, he may not understand or be able to think logically about this. Get connected with a social worker and elder support groups in your neighborhood so that you know what your options are. When someone has dementia, their personality can change, although it sounds like he was always like you describe. You can't take things personally. There may be a time when he won't even recognize you and your husband. My mother with advanced dementia can't do anything for herself. She needs to be fed, needs assistance going to the bathroom, showering, can't walk any more and has to go around in a wheel chair, etc. Try not to feel guilty about your decision. Situations change and you have to be realistic about how much you can handle.