How detailed do you get with loved one with dementia when they ask questions relating to their money (when you have POA)?

My mom can't handle her finances anymore either. I came to that understanding when it was tax time 3 years ago and she came into the room with her hands full of papers and said "It doesn't make sense to me. I don't know what to do anymore." She had also had her purse stolen and had been late paying several bills. I closed all of her credit cards and put a freeze on her credit so no one could open accounts in her name. I save all tax info that comes to me and give it to her trustee, who is also our tax preparer. I have been joint on her account since before the dementia so that I could do her banking for her. When a check comes in, I deposit it, when a bill comes in, I pay it. Her facility does not want her having large sums of money around, so I give her money only every couple of weeks. When she complains of being "broke," I show her a bank statement that accurately tells her how much money she has. She is 82 and is afraid her money will run out before she dies and I try to assure her that it won't - she has some good investments. The subject of money does agitate her but when I show her the statement or explain about the bills I've paid or checks I've deposited it calms her down. Since I do everything electronically, I can give her a print out of all of it. I have told her time and again that if she wants someone else to handle these things, she has only to say the word and I will turn it over completely, however she says she doesn't trust anyone but me. I get accusations from my siblings, but have learned to let that go. If they prefer to think I'm stealing from my mother, let them. I can account for the whereabouts of every single penny.

susantuma:

You say he is at stage 5/6 and has coherent moments, wanting to know how much the facility he is living in is costing him. You try to "change the subject and re-direct as much as possible, but sometimes he is just adamant and feels like he has lost all control." You don't want him to feel that way but he hasn't understood finances in a few years and you don't want to stress him unduly. 

I took over mom's finances almost a year and a half before she had to move to MC (unwillingly.) That included having someone take her out while I "swept" the place for bills, statements, tax papers, basically anything that would bring up or remind her of money/bills. I forwarded all her bills to me. I did miss the insurance as it is only once/year, so that brought up checking (she called the CU and asked for checks - they were sent to me!) W2s also were a problem, but more for the fact that she no longer understood what they were (thought someone died and left her money because dad's pension said "death benefits")! Those also took some time to get them assigned to me to manage because the pension is federal as is SS, and they do not honor POA of any kind.

When we took her to the open house (they had rebuilt the place we had chosen and were just about to open), she did say it was nice, but what does it cost? Fibs come in - insurance, VA, SS/Medicare, whatever... VA stuck for a bit, and she assumed it was a VA home. Once in a while if I was there at mealtime, she would take out her wallet and/or just say I don't have money to pay for it. No worries mom, it is free! Random other times she will take out the wallet and show me the handful of change she has, saying that is all she has. I take out the few coins I have (rarely do I use cash myself!) and say look, you have more than me! The facility ordered meds when she moved in (she had a 90 day supply already!), without my ok, through a place that does NH meds (she has online ordering through CVS that I handle) and sent a bill to her there. Oh boy, was she mad! I was as well - they charged a ridiculous amount for the same medication (her three meds cost 9$ total for a 3 month supply, they charged about 150 for one month!) They also charged a "restocking fee" when the meds went back!! Jerks! I did send them a letter complaining about that and warned them NOT to ever fill any Rx unless they go through me as I will refuse to pay, including your "Restocking fee." However, for the most part she doesn't bring up money anymore, just wanting to see her mother and sometimes to go back to her home before the last one.

Since he is stage 5/6, and this only comes up once in a while, the fibs should work. These fibs should not be construed as lying - they are done to assure and calm the person, NOT to hurt them! Many older people lived through hard times and scrimped/saved and penny-pinched, so more than likely whatever dollar amount you tell them, truthful or not, they will likely be aghast. If at all possible use the insurance, Medicare, VA or whatever works and say it is all good and FREE (or costs you some pittance a month if they won't accept the free, but I would push the free part)! You can back that up possibly by asking if he/she has a bill that needs to be paid. No? See dad/mom, it is all paid for by {Medicare/SS/VA/insurance}, you can just enjoy!  If they still question it, type up something yourself that looks to be from whatever organization (perhaps copy/paste a logo onto the "document", indicate that it covers AL/NH and pass it off as the real thing! So long as you are only using this to comfort mom/dad, and not post it online or use it in any other way, it should be fine. You could also or alternately do up a phony bank or investment statement (whatever he/she used to keep their funds) and show it is flush with money! No worries dad! Your money is still there and will be for a long time since {X} organization that you paid into for years is paying the bills!

My brother and I alternately take care my 92 year’s old mother in our own homes. we are currently renovating her house. She says she does not have money to fix it. Then she asks who lives there and if they are paying rent and how much. I answer her and I also asssure her that there is enough to take care everything including her care as long as she continues to be healthy. She’s happy with the answer then asks the same question again in which I answer again until she remembers something else.
Good luck to you on your situation.

Hello all I also fib to my mother, she doesn’t understand numbers anymore and can’t process addition so I tell her it’s $1000 a month $3000 a month whatever comes into my head and she seems satisfied with that I also tell her she has great insurance which covers some of it and she has enough money to take care of her self it seems to work... good luck

Assuming that the costs of the facility are covered and there isn't a problem, why not tell him?

And if there is a problem, then presumably you're working on a solution? - so tell him that, as though the solution is already in place (and cross your fingers).

You say he hasn't understood finances for some years, by which I guess you mean that he will be aghast at the costs? But at the moment, by trying to save him that, you're coming up against his legitimate grievance that you won't give him a straight answer to a simple question. You're not saving him any upset and you're giving yourself extra work.

So tell him the truth. The worst you will be left with is that your father will continue to ask you about this visit after visit, and sometimes several times per visit, until you are ready to cry. Sigh. I don't know any way round that, I'm afraid.

OMG!! I'm going through that now with my step-father!
His oldest has a Durable POA and she doesn't like the community property laws in AZ, she lives in MI.
A few weeks before my Court hearing, she and her minions....I mean siblings, took Daddy to the investment firm to "change" a few things.
I had that JOINT account flagged per the Fiduciary for Mom so this step-sister could not talk Daddy into taking the money....I had to hire an attorney to go after her for the money she stole from Mom's account....another long story.
My Uncle told me about my step-father thinking someone was stealing his money, so I talked with him on my last trip.
Asked him what money and why he thought someone was stealing it. I also asked him if he remembered certain events surrounding his trip with his kids to this firm. As I asked him about this and that he remembered doing these things with his oldest daughter.
I told him not to worry any more because I went to a Judge and got special papers to give to this firm so that nobody not even me, could take that money.
I told my Uncle to tell him the samething everytime he says something about it.
I don't know nor do I care if his kids have found out that I have LEGALLY restricted that account. I am Mom's guardian/conservator which, in the State of AZ.....I have COMPLETE CONTROL over any and all POAs that anybody else may have. In other words....their POAs can be used for wallpaper or toilet paper which ever they choose.

Money is definitely something that has come up quite a few times with my mother. She moved into a NH earlier this year (hates it), I just redirect & say that it is free, so enjoy it! Sometimes it works, then there are those moments that make you question yourself when they seem so adamant and asking legitimate questions about why they are there. It is the right answer for my mom & me & my family, Safety, safety, safety, I know my mother is safe, fed and clean. I try not to get into too many details (that just extends the conversation). I just try to stay positive and offer her a snack. : )

I keep assuring my mom that she "has plenty of money" to pay for what she needs.
I gradually took care of her finances after moving her into a Senior Living Apartment (with meals, salon, activities). It's a good thing I did. She would cash a check, lose the money and cash another one. Lose her checkbook and order new checks. Send a check to a charity, forgot she mailed it and send another one. I also found evidence that she had been scammed by those fake IRS calls multiple times. I started closing bank accounts, cashing in low interest CDs and putting them in her investment portfolio. She had a POA designating my son. He's a lawyer and I'm a CPA. He "hired" me to take care of all her finances. She wasn't wealthy, but she was loosing money every day. I've now got her making money. I did this with complete transparency and my siblings blessings. She soon went to Memory Care and is now in Full Time Nursing Care.

You might try telling him that you did a comparison of his bills and expenses at his previous home, and the AL is w-a-y less money. This is probably true if you factor in hiring the in-home help he would need to live elsewhere. If he asks for actual numbers, you can say you don't recall exactly, but it was about $xx a day cheaper, so he's "saving" $xx a day!

We tell my father-in-law that insurance pays for everything at his Memory Care facility. We also allow him to keep six dollars in his billfold. There are times when he does not know where his billfold is, but when it reappears he is always glad to see he has some cash.

My answer has changed through time. I've told my mom different levels. This is what I found has been most soothing for her. I tell her that Assisted Living is free. That her health insurance pays for it because she has dementia. She loves that, and it gives her relief.

You could say.."let me think...what do you think it is? Ask this while you are looking through a check book or notebook When he comes up with a number you could say...Hmm think it is a bit less than that. That might please him to know he is paying less than he thought.
If this is not acceptable to him you can tell him (if he was in the Service) that the Army, Navy or what ever branch he serve with is paying for it.
I do not consider a fib like this a problem if is reduces anxiety, lessens stress or reduces an argument.

I only tell Mum half the story. We’re in Scotland, her care home costs £900 a week, social work pay £250 and I pay the rest from Mum’s bank account. When she asks, I tell her that social work pay and it’s like being in hospital (she knows NHS is free) so she doesn’t have to pay anything. She’s accepted that explanation. She would be horrified to know how much it actually costs.

One problem I do have is that she asks for money. I tell her, if she needs anything, I’ve got her money and I’m keeping it safe for her. She gets agitated and wants to have some money in her pocket, but any I give her disappears, both loose money and a wee purse I gave her. I’m not sure if it’s stolen or ends up in the laundry. I haven’t managed to solve this issue, my only thought is to just keep giving her a little amount and just accept it will disappear.

Hi all - another vote here for fudging numbers a little. Mom insists on hearing some number, not just ‘youre fine.’ She always asks what I’m paying the visitors that go to her house, and if I say $17 she loses her mind. She has a skewed sense of what anything should cost. She refused to let me pay someone regularly - any amount - to take her walking, because ‘they should do it for free because they’re getting to walk, too.’ That was when she still could go walking, which she’s unfit to do now because she refused the visitor to provide regular practice. (Yes, I used to take her myself but it wasn’t enough.)

Tell your dad that it’s usually X amount but because he’s a special X and did X in his life, it only costs him X. Give a monthly amount, then say how much him living at home used to cost a month and that it’s more economical.

My mother occaisonally get on the "finacial roll" and starts asking questions, too. While she is not deep into dementia, she has not been able to cognitivly process numbers, much less finances for quite a while. Since it is her money, I am honest with her. I tell her what she wants to know and then assure her that she is doing just fine. That calms her for a month or so.

I have found that our parents simply want to be assured they are not a burdan on anyone. My father was the same way before he passed from Alzheimer's. As you mention, they like to feel like they still have some control in their lives, but it is being taken awy from them. They know it, but they don't have to like it.

Our parents do not like being lied to and we would get caught in the lies anyway, so don't. Be factual, but assure he is comfortable with the answer. Details are not needed. He only want to be treated like the mature adult he is.

Money and the bathroom. The two things all Dementia people worry about. Just answer him. Its costing you ______. If the amount upsets him fib a little. I say this because $5000 back when Dad was young could have bought a nice little house. If thats not enough for him, then tell him you are taking care of it all and he doesn't need to worry. My Mom would start the conversation "We need to talk". In the AL, she wanted money. I asked her what for and she would tell me someone said they needed it for this and that. Once Mom was in the AL, she never went on outings. She was a fall risk and couldn't take direction. There was no need for her to have money. She would have either given it away or someone would steal it. It usually was someone else needed it. I told her when she needed it I would get it to her.

It’s really impossible to predict how any person with dementia will react to anything. My mother spent years saving up enough money to leave me an inheritance when she passed. I know she went without things to do this, including living in a tiny apartment. However, when she had to go to a facility, all the money she saved went to self-pay/ spend down for Medicaid. She wasn’t familiar with costs for nursing homes because she never had to deal with it. When she asked me about her money I was truthful. She never asked about it when she was delusional. I was honest with her. I know she was upset that I’d be left with nothing. I told her it was alright and I thanked her for saving all that money all those years because the cost of her care would have fallen on us. She was satisfied with that explanation.

Since, as you wrote " he hasn't understood finances in a few years", then I would not go into detail, but give a general answer that he is paying his way and has enough to continue to pay his way. If he keeps answering, I would use the broken record approach of repeating my answer.