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Mother widowed 9 years ago from her childhood sweetheart of 55 years. Brother that is extremely impossible to cope with having OCD/Manic/BiPolar/Compulsive liar, Smoking in the house when repeated attempts to ask him to stop continues to do so. Knocks on doors requesting food, money, etc..
Mother is very depressed and difficult to deal with, All request from have to be immediattely addressed without hesitation, Somewhere in there trying to find a way to have somewhat normal life while caring for 2 people is more that a full time job. Every I wake up and go check to see if either of them have passed, What a life, There has got to be a better way.
Any advice would be helpfull.

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The only better way is to get out.

They’ll manage just fine because this sort of people always find another enabler.

Right now it’s you. It doesn’t have to be. You have no legal obligation to either of them.
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AlvaDeer Apr 2023
I agree with you; couldn't say it better.
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Been there, done that and guess what? It ain’t worth it!!!

Please, don’t make the same mistake that I did. I took care of my mom for far too many years.

Oh yeah, I had the drug addict brother too. I had to stop trying to help him. Thank God he didn’t live with us. My mom tried to get me to consent to him living in our house and I adamantly refused.

If you are living with your mom, move out as soon as possible. If she is living with you, then place her in a facility.

Do not expect your brother to change his ways. You are the one who has to change your environment. You know that you deserve a better life for yourself.

Go to a therapist to help you work through your emotions and take your life back.

Wishing you peace as you figure out what path to take.
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AlvaDeer Apr 2023
The best advice always comes from those who have been there.
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I can't imagine you have any life let alone one that resembles anything "normal".
There is a better way and tough love towards both your mother and brother is the road to it.
You might not know this but you are the enabler to both of them. Your responses to mom and brother are why they are able to continue living the dysfunctional lives they do.
First you need to know that your mother's depression and your brother's mental illnesses and addiction cannot be fixed by you or anyone else. If they have no will to overcome no one can help them. All you can do is stop enabling them.
Here is where you begin.
Today you stop snapping to attention when your mother commands you to. When she tells you to jump, you don't say 'how high?' anymore. Then you tell them both what your conditions are if they want you to stay in their life and help them with anything.
One of those conditions has to be that your brother moves into a sober living house. These are group home-style places that are for people like him who want to be clean and sober but who also need an adult to manage the ADL's in life. Another of your conditions has to be that your mother agrees to treatment and therapy for her depression. If she refuses, then you have to refuse to take care of her. You have to leave her to it as they say and walk away.
If mom and brother refuse your conditions, you stop doing for them. Stay in touch, but don't help either of them in any way.
This is how it has to be. Of course you love your family and want to help them but you're not doing them any favors or yourself being their enabler as you are.
Maybe some therapy for you to help you stay strong and not give in to what I expect has probably been a lifetime of conditioning from your mother and brother's abusive neediness.
I would also suggest you join Al-Anon. It is an organization for people who have people in their lives who are alcoholics. There are also meetings for people through NA (Narcotics Anonymous) who have drug addicts in their lives.
These groups will teach you how to stop enabling your brother and your mother.
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As others have said, you can't have a "normal" life if you are caring for two people who don't want to take any responsibility for themselves. The only way is to get out. Neither of them will change unless they have the motivation to do so and if you are providing care, there is no motivation.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2023
Well said, Mountaingyrl. That is the truth. They will not help themselves if the OP keeps enabling them to stay as they are.
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MiddleChild, a good name.
Do you feel you ARE caught in the middle? Trapped? Wedged there in the middle of the backseat, the cardoor not within your reach?

What would you LIKE to do?
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Hope that yours wasn’t a rhetorical question, because the only REAL, TRUE ANSWER IS——- YOU CAN’T!
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Doing what you are doing you can not have a "normal" life.
That means something has to change.
That change can be you, your mother or your brother.
Trying to get an addict to change is nigh unto impossible. Add in other mental illness and you have a perfect storm of inability. Unless he WANTS to change it ain't gonna happen. So shut that possibility down.
If your mom is fully cognizant of what is going on she is an enabler as are you.
Is your mother willing to see a therapist about her depression and other issues?
If not then (again if she is cognizant) she is not going to change either.
So that leaves YOU the one that can make changes.
STOP helping and enabling them.
What would happen if you fell and broke a leg and could not help? What would happen if you were in an auto accident and were taken to the hospital and could not "help" them?
Sometimes the way to "help" someone is to not help them.
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I have been in that boat. Bottom line- you need to set boundaries that allow for you to care for YOURSELF first. Sounds easy- and counterintuitive. But you must do this. I also think it may be unrealistic that you continuously care for yourself, and two loved ones. You can't take care of anyone at all if you are not healthy, rested, and in a good place emotionally. I think it is clear to anyone reading your question that you have given and cared for your family far beyond expectation and duty. I have been in your shoes. Eventually, I realized the time will come that I will need to possibly allow experts to determine what is next. Please know that someone has to look out for you. And that's why I'm telling you this. I don't want you to think I'm heartless. After taking care of both parents during late and end stage illnesses that included addiction, and mental health, dementia, and physical injuries-I speak from experience. I do know it's difficult to hear and process. My heart goes out to you.
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Question -- what would happen to your mother and brother if something happened to YOU?
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Since it sounds like you live with them(although in your profile you state that you have your own family as well)the only way to get a "normal" life back is to move out and let your mother and brother fend for themselves.
You are not under any obligation to care for either of them. I hope you know that.
As long as you keep enabling them, nothing will ever change.
So move out, make your immediate family your priority(along with yourself of course)and if needed you can call APS to report 2 vulnerable adults living on their own, and they will come out and take things from there.
And again in case you didn't understand it the first time....YOUR MOTHER AND BROTHER ARE NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. PERIOD.
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