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How can one take the constant repetition of questions and the same answers all the time? My Husband asks the same questions and then repeats them after the answers I give. He and I live together at home and only when I can get out do I get a break from them. I have found other ways to entertain him but this does get to me. This is really tough to take.

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I began to look at it as a challenge. My mother had no idea she had repeated a question for the 3rd..5th..10th time; MCI had done this to her. But she was the same woman who got up nights with me through all those earaches and I never remembered her being short with me. The Mom when in constant pain from her bad back lay in bed and kept the 3-year-old me entertained by reading the entire 12 volume set of Reader's Digest young readers. (Why do I know all the classic Bible stories, fairy tales and mythology the kids ask - because your grandmother read them to me when I was little.) The same Mom that drove me all over town so I could participate in music lessons, choir practices and performances.

So it became a challenge. Can I control myself and answer her with the same loving tone she deserves on the 10th time she asks the same question? How many times can I answer the question _slightly_ differently? Is she asking the same question because she's anxious about something? What could it be? Can I relieve her anxiety?

I became aware of the little ears that were watching me when my little grand-nephew (who loved to visit his great-grandma every day) would answer the question for me.

It was so hard to cope with when it started but somewhere along the journey it became much easier; maybe because I accepted this outward manifestation of her disease when she seemed so "normal" otherwise? Mom has been gone in a physical sense for three months now. What I wouldn't give to go back to those early days when her repeating questions was my big challenge. You have started a journey filled with sadness and frustration, responsibility and indecision, moments of self-doubt but also filled with moments of joy when you know you have helped your loved one. God bless and comfort you.
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It’s soooo hard.

I hear you.

For me, it’s especially hard when my mother doesn’t believe my answers to her same repeated question.

In our case, deflection doesn’t work. Changing the subject doesn’t work. She just leaves her room to go out and ask the caregivers the same questions.

She must ask them how she will get her next meal, a hundred times a day. That is not an exaggeration. She forgets she’s asked. Then, she won’t accept the answer. Rinse. Repeat.

Sigh.
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Hi Trani
The good news is that this too shall pass. I’m sure some loved ones are more repetitive than others but my DH aunt did that quite a bit in the beginning and then it tapered off.

Today her repetitive question is “what happened”. She is asking why is she in bed, with an ice pack on her foot…. I assume. Her sentences are pretty short.
Some days I tell her the whole story of how she fell etc.
Some days I say well I got old…
Or … we are having a pandemic
Or…the little boy who went blind at 7 is now playing football.
She seems to like one answer as well as the other. and she usually only asks once.

I think the key is to learn how to roll with it or it will drive you wild.

Try training yourself to do three slow Kegels before answering his questions. Lower your shoulders. Do something simple that is beneficial and relieves your anxiety.

I’m sorry this disease has happened to you and your husband.
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When he doesn't know you or talk to you anymore, you'll miss even the repetitive conversations. I know I did, because when Mom was asking those questions over and over again, she at least had some cognition of what she was talking about and our responses. She just didn't remember asking the questions.

Once she descended into her own fantasy world where my father, her devoted husband of 66 years, no longer existed, and she was married to the high school boyfriend she hadn't seen since 1945, we knew we'd lost her once and for all. I had nearly three years of conversing with a stranger who knew me as a friendly face but not as her daughter, because Mom and the boyfriend weren't old enough to have a 60-year-old daughter -- they were forever sixteen years old and in love.

Try to understand that a person with dementia is like a small child in many ways. Remember the days when you were asked "Why?" a hundred times a day by a toddler, and you'll know how to handle your husband's repetitive questions.

With patience.
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My mother is 88 and does not have dementia or any cognitive function problems. She asks me the same questions over and over and over. Often times it's when we are out someplace and she will ask "what kind of tree is that", "Mother I don't know", "Why don't you know", "Mother I don't know because I don't know and I would have to take a picture of it and then look it up why do you want to know what kind of tree that is"," Well I was just curious, why don't you know what kind of tree that is", "Mother I told you that I would have to look it up", "Well you live here" We live within 5 miles of each other. I can be driving her someplace "What kind of paint is on that house over there". One time I suggested "Mother instead of asking me these questions why don't you look them up when we get home?". It's tough and it makes no sense I usually just repeat my answer to her till she stops asking.
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lealonnie1 Sep 2021
I give you credit; me? I'd stop picking mother up and taking her places in the car if she were going to act like that! Fuggedaboutit. When my daughter was little and a total chatterbox, I'd issue a 'silence time' while driving edict. Worked a charm.
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I may miss my mother when she dies, but I will tell you this: I will NOT miss any of her dementia behaviors at all. None of them. It's very difficult to deal with repetitive questions all the time, and regardless of how wonderful your DH was to you before the dementia set in, dealing with these issues now is not an easy thing. Don't feel guilty about feeling this way, either. Nobody is made of steel and we all have our breaking point!

That said, the best thing you can do is to remove yourself from the situation at home for a few hours every day. Hire in home help and/or get DH into adult day care so you can have some respite from the endless questions. Also, call his doctor to see if there is any medication that could be prescribed to address the issue. IDK that there is, but it's always worth a try to ask.

Wishing you the best of luck finding respite time for yourself every day.
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Only after my mom had to have in home care for part of the day and then eventually went to assisted living, was I free of those questions. Being with her only a couple hours a day instead of all day every day made those repetitive conversations stop bothering me and I wondered why they ever did. I decided it was because my brain wanted to move on to another topic or chore and hers couldn't. Being stuck in forever rewind was frustrating. I started making up different answers to amuse myself, since she wouldn't remember the answers anyway, and would ask again within minutes. I needed to be creative, so it worked a little bit for me. Then, later, when I would pick her up from assisted living and take her for rides or visit her on the porch, the repitions simply did not have the same effect and I actually enjoyed the same conversation happening over and over, but because I knew I'd be free of it soon and also because I thought she was so adorable asking those questions.
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When I was my Mothers care giver with Alzheimers I quickly knew I was going to go crazy with all the repeated questions and this is what I came up with as an answer…..If 10 people walked into the room one at a time and asked the same question, I would have no problem answering each one of them. So that is the feeling I took with each of her questions and it kept me calm. Also remembering it is not her fault and she is not trying to be difficult, it is her injured brain. I again had to do the same as my husbands caregiver with this terrible disease. Take a deep breath. Hope this helps you.
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I answer as many times as I can and when I start to feel annoyed I remove myself. Sometimes I return shortly to a new question and a new round of repeat. If I can step away and do something else for a bit here and there, then I can make it through the day. When the weather is nice I work outside where my grandma can see me- this has been the best escape this summer, my yard looks great and she doesn’t call for me because she sees I’m busy. Not everyone has that luxury but maybe something similar can take place.
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Your husband is in a dementia loop. This means that the person is continually repeating the same action over and over or the same questions or statements.
There are some ways that can help break a dementia loop. Like offering them a snack or a toy or some other distraction.
If none of these do the trick, you have to ignore the subject of the loop. You answer a few times then stop answering. If it persists, then you must persist in ignoring it.
I've been in elder homecare a long time and have had many clients who got into dementia loops. Believe me the patience of paid caregivers wears thin as well when it's hour after hour of the same repetition.
I would answer a few times then ignore and stop answering. Sometimes the repeating gets to the point where you have to firmly state that you've already answered it and will be answering it again. I find that this often works well to break a dementia loop after a while.
You're living in the caregiving situation. Learn how to ignore with love.
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Three things have helped me tremendously:
1.Watch Teepa Snow videos for good information
2. Get the book called the 36 hour day.
3. Try to break this loop with distraction, write out signs with the information. Like the day or the schedule. Try to give food, change the venue, smile and touch their arm,comforting them. Anxiety can cause this presentation. Afternoon evening can be worse as in sundowners.
Also found a YouTube doctor called Careblazers and it has great info.
Best wishes,
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My mom was aware that she may have asked the same question and apologized for asking again….she never remembered the answers. I created a concierge page for her. It was daily and I printed it out in large font. Mom looked forward to that and referred to it often but still did not remember things. Having the page helped keep her calm about the happenings of the day. I put on it the day, date and list of things that were routine and also appointments and when we had to leave. I ended with Remember! This is who we are now. God loves you and you are safe.” When mom moved to AL, I got her a echo show and linked her calendar (from her email account I created). This created reminders for her and she could see what was coming up. In the AL, there were couples living there together and only one needed the extra care. My husband and I decided that is what we will probably do.
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My mother’s repetitive questions stopped being so stressful to me when I truly accepted that she lives in the moment, so each time it is a new question. I stopped wishing for her to remember my answer and it made a huge difference in my being able to remain at ease.
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What we have found for my brother in law is to change the subject like how's the weather or ask him something that he knows more about that you can listen to him. My brother in law has dementia and every 2 minutes he is asking the same question over and over. With his it will get worse we just have to gently remind him that we answered that. Its like they get into a loop with the brain and cannot get out of it.

Prayers.
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This is a symptom of dementia, and you just have to accept it. People with dementia lose their ability to remember and learn. I also used to be very annoyed by this, until I realized that it can't be helped. Are you able to get someone to come in for caregiving for a few hours to give you a break? Get connected with a local social worker or advisor on senior services and find out what your options are. Do you have elder care services in your area? That might also be a way to give you some breaks.
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When my husband with dementia began doing the same it annoyed me at first. I knew his brain was damaged and would never be the same and not his fault. I realized one day I would not be hearing his voice at all one day and was saddened and from that time I am happy to hear his same questions over just to hear him. I will usually answer two times and change the subject to distract him. I put myself in his place and cannot even imagine!!!!
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SusanFeig Oct 2021
My sister stopped talking about 18 months ago...and I agree that hearing her voice, no matter how repetitive or plaintive, was so much BETTER!
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I tried to vary my answers to my father for my sake and my sanity, not his. I know whatever answer I give means nothing - he won’t remember and he’ll ask again.

I thought of it as a game. Can I change the outcome of the conversation loop? Can I find the triggers and control the loops? Can I move him from an unpleasant loop to one I don’t mind?

Best part was if I failed, I’d have another chance to try soon enough!
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Nothing you can do about it as with dementia, they just don't remember asking the question or getting the answer.

Try not answering and instead directing them to something else.
Let them listen to music as music therapy is great.
Put on headphones yourself where you can't really hear the repetitions.
Get others to relieve you a few hours a day or Hire a Caregiver and leave the house a few hours a day.
You will get burn out being the sole Caregiver.
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Many people just endure the broken brain, repeat syndrome and deal with it but what they don't realize is what it is doing to them. We did not break the person's brain and we can't fix it - and if we have to deal with someone who constantly repeats, it can drive us "insane" and then....boom. I know I have an absolute limit when it comes to dealing with dementia - I have been burned horribly by some people in the past and my life was forever impacted and I have been to hell as a result. I cannot and will not get involved with dementia people - I run to save myself. I have absolutely no family and friends are almost all gone - I will be 88 but can't walk but take care of myself 99.9%, still work, drive, do it all like 30 year old. I live in assisted living where almost all have dementia so it is very lonely for me. I do not recommend this but this was my saving sanity method. A dear friend did the same - constant repeats. I listed once or twice and immediately said this was all told to me about l00 times already. He would look at me in shock but stop at once. If he started up again, I got a bit stronger. The third time I got mad and said enough, I heard it and excused myself before I blew up and was so affected emotionally (my sanity level) - I left at once. Once in a while I'd go back in a few moments but mostly I had to leave. I had to recognize he was g o n e but I am still here with my sanity and no one gives a dam if I lose my sanity or if I did what I needed to do to keep it. I keep my distance from those with mental issues. I don't want to be like them and if I ever do become mental, then I deserve to have someone remove themselves from my presence at once if I exhibit certain behaviors. I have to look to myself first - no one else will. If you can tolerate it, fine and if not, then leave at once.
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2021
Riley2166,

I feel so bad for you. Really I do. It must be hell on earth for a senior who doesn't have dementia to have to live with people who do 24/7. I can't imagine what that must be like for you. I certainly don't blame you for avoiding people with mental issues. In my many years of in-home caregiving, not one time have I ever accepted an assignment (agency or private) who was receiving services because their handicap was mental. I will not take on caregiving for psychiatric cases or for people with mental special needs. Any caregiving work I do take involving dementia is always on a trial period, and I make this known to a family up front. If I find that I'm not a good match with them, I don't stay on the assignment.
You should not have to live among others with dementia. Is it possible for you to move to a senior housing community and get some homecare assistance to help you out? I've worked for lots of seniors over the years who lived in senior housing which is not assisted living. It was apartment housing for people 65 and older. You bring in your own help if needed. This is the kind of place my father lived in and he was very happy there. He had a nice place in a security building, good parking, and could come and go as he pleased. I think this kind of thing would be a better fit for someone like you instead of an AL facility.
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It is particularly difficult, even scary when this is happening with a spouse and I am sad to hear when anyone goes through this.
As said in a previous answer, redirecting is very useful. Music is great. If he has favorite movies that catch his attention, that can work well, too. Is he very mobile?
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Years before my mom got Alzheimer's, I was in a grocery store, and I saw a woman talking to her mom, who obviously had some memory issues. The daughter said, in a somewhat exasperated tone, "Mom, we just bought eggs, now we're buying milk." I thought if my mom ever had memory issues, I wouldn't talk to her like that. Fast forward 10 years, and my mom's Alzheimer's was in full swing. We went down the tuna aisle in the grocery store, and my mom asked if we needed tuna. I told her we did, but they were out of the brand that I like, so I'd just wait for them to get more in, and she understood. We went to the next aisle. Then I realized that I needed something back in the tuna aisle, so we again pass the tuna and she said, "Do we need tuna?" And I said, in an all too familiar tone, "Didn't we just have the discussion that they were out of the brand that I like?" Let she who is without sin cast the first tuna, into the sea. I even wrote a book about taking care of her called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I learned to find humor where I could. Best of luck.
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You need to understand that this is NOT his fault. It is what happens when your short term memory has been affected. Once you understand the reason it is easier to deal with.

Getting upset will not help the matter, just let him know you are there for him and love him. It is good to keep him active and engaged as much as possible. Do not let yourself be overwhelmed. Praying they will soon find a cure for dementia and so many other problems.
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2 things to consider:
1 - Hearing. How is your husband's hearing? If he doesn't hear well he might now hear your answers. If he has hearing aides, consider cleaning them and changing the batteries or getting them checked.
2 - Diversion. Repetitive conversations or actions are like a stuck record. Help the record to "move along" by diverting to other topics or activities. If he gets anxious, agitated, or frustrated, or acting out... he may be having anxiety dealing with a world that seems difficult to understand. The doctor could prescribe a mild anti-anxiety medication to help.
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Hubby too does this. Example, how old am I; what time are we leaving; where is microwave, etc. I write it down for him. Has helped him and my sanity.
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I stand by what I said below. The dementia patient is g o n e. Now YOU have to decide - are you going to let them impact you to the point of no return or are you going to do something to protect yourself. Not everyone has the patience to "be nice or hold it in" when the frustration level hits the ceiling. If this bothers you, put an immediate stop when they repeat. Let them ask once or twice and tell them they just said whatever they said. If they dont' stop, then for god's sakes- LEAVE, KEEP YOUR SANITY. If you hold your frustration hidden, it is going to harm YOU and aren't you worth more?
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When my mom was first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, a kind lady at the Alzheimer’s Association gave me a mantra that I live by: “For you, it is the 50th time. For her, it is the first time.” That has helped my patience tremendously, but it still doesn’t do the job. I have found humor to be the best remedy. I answer my mom honestly the first 5 to 10 times and then I start giving her silly answers with a twinkle in my eye. And each silly answer is progressively more outrageous than the previous. This is incredibly distracting to her and she loses sight of the question that she is fixated on. It usually takes four or five silly answers to get her off her repetitive question and leaves us both smiling.
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Sorry but you will have to live with it.

We had some friends that told the same story no matter what we did to change the topic. Now mom does the same thing. I just nod my head in agreement
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Taking a deep breath helps me. After I take a breath, I decide whether I will answer her or not or I change the subject. That would be considered rude to a normal person. But, sometimes being rude is the only way to cope. I would rather be rude than lose my temper. Sometimes, by the time I pause and take a breath, she has already forgotten about the question. Good luck.
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When caring for Alzheimer's patient, it helped me when I learned to live more in the alzheimer's world. They don't understand our world anymore and are doing the best that they can. They do not comprehend our reality and we're struggling to understand their reality. We do with the best we can.
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Trani7: Imho, my own late mother would state repetitive things, which is difficult to hear time and time again. However, now I wish that I could hear them one more time as she has left this earth. Best wishes.
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