How can I write a respectful eulogy about my mom when she was narcissistic when I was young?

Your eulogy to your mother can be elaborated on by her life story. When a LO dies, we don't tend to talk about the negative things that they did. We let them fade away and remember, with fondness and love, the good in the deceased.

Nature73; SORRY for your loss !and Thank you for the update ! Im sure you did A perfect job ..

To all who answered: thank-you! I followed advice & kept things neutral & even incorporated some of the phrases offered. The service went very well & my brother said the eulogy was "spot on". That made me very happy.

I would focus on the positive things that happened over the years,

My personal opinion ONLY- it may be better FOR YOU to pick the time when you had the BEST, MOST LOVING relationship with her, and focus on that.
My mother and I had a horridly contenscious relationship during parts of my life, but only after she died did I realize how seriously damaged she was by anxiety and ultimately severe agoraphobia.
After becoming a grandmother (and BEGGING ME not to have children), she became the dearest, most functional grandmother a child could ever have had, and also opened herself to me in always that I would not have even remotely expected.
It has been MUCH better for me to forgive who she was during the bad times, and cherish the memories of the cozy loving days of her later years.

THERE IS NOTHING THAT SAYS A EULOGY MUST BE A SPECIFIC LENGTH OR COVER ALL PERIODS OF ONE'S LIFE. IF YOUR MOM WAS BETTER AS SHE GOT OLDER, MAYBE YOU CAN PUT SOMETHING IN ABOUT THAT PART OF HER LIFE OR LEAVE IT WITH WHAT YOU HAVE. DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT

It might be more than narcissism. she may have been treated badly in her life.

Because she never related to what she did, For you yourself, consider just forgiveness and think of something that she was as she worked or her thoughts with other children. Make it simple and there were those maybe that cared for her.
She is gone and you want to go on for you and your dad. It is a big job and just know that it is done and ask God to help you with this matter as you go through it.
Live and know that you must go forward and possible get council someone else if you need to. Hospice can help you if you feel you need more healing inside.

Honestly, the eulogy aside, a large farm family can be a guilt inducing dynamic of too many mouths to feed especially during the depression. I was put through the same language with a family of 5 girls and a sick mother and an absentee father.
I vowed to never have kids as i saw them to be only a huge burdon. I feel like a farm hand with no paycheck, and was made to feel guilty for being alive. But not by the mother but by the grandmother, whom i wound up caring for when she was dying because no one else could stand her . Rising above her acerbic personality and killing her with kindness was empowering for me.

I was asked by a relative at a funeral, where I was to give the eulogy, how I had anything nice to say about the deceased. I responded that I could fine nice things to say about anyone--including them. Stick to the positive and there has got to be some positive things. Did the person teach you anything? Did they have a hobby/work they were passionate about? Did they love their pet? What did they accomplish in their life? You don't need to express affection if it is not there. "Just the facts, maam". This is for the benefit of the people attending. What would they like to hear about or be reminded of?

I am a believer in truth and honesty.

If you have nothing good to say about someone, because the person was not a good person, then why sugar coat things?

I think you did the best you could by focusing on her life, without using words that show her to be a good person or mother. That was likely more than she deserved, if she was a mean and nasty person.

It seems in our society people are taught to only say good things about dead parents, even if they were evil.

I am glad to hear that you followed your own counsel in this matter.

You could always add a slide show of pictures to fill in the gap of time of your eulogy

Your mother was not just your mother. She was a woman who led a life. Write about her achievements and her qualities as a person; and let other children of other, more naturally maternal mothers write about their mothers' virtues in their own way.

When my BIL's mother died I was agog to hear what he would have to say about her in his eulogy. I adored his mother but I was almost alone in my fondness for her. She was a woman of sharp intelligence who could have been anything if she'd been born fifty years later; as it was circumstances had frustrated her intellect and her ambition, and regrettably her abilities in her older age were often devoted to making life H*ll for those around her. BIL did not make any false claims about her sweetness or loving care. He talked about her interests, her living through key moments in world history and the perspective on these that she'd noted in her diaries, her vividness and wit. What became clear was that he loved her not because of her character as a mother, but in spite of it; and that he had all the same loved her devotedly.

So don't say anything about your mother that isn't true. The people listening will to a greater or lesser extent know what she was like, and quite apart from the fact that the words will stick in your throat you won't be fooling anybody. Have you forgiven her for not being the mother you would have liked to have had? Did you love her for herself? Did the demands she made on you have any positive influence on what you have become? Then say that. Love comes in many flavours. They're not all sweet.

So sorry for your loss. You could make your eulogy short and focus on the good things. Add a prayer verse or two.

Nature73; SORRY for your loss but it sounds like you have already written your eulogy for your mother you have already told about her life!! That is LOVE ... sometimes especally the older generation well they have a hard time showing tenderness and love , maybe it is easier for them to show Tough love than tenderness hey but its still Love , its hard to be a parent we all know there are no instruction books about being a parent so just remember any thing you write about your mothers life is going to be LOVEING!! So go with your eulogy I am sure its Beautiful and your mom would be proud!!

My mom was also quite difficult and we bumped heads until I was in my later 40's. She mellowed out a lot with dementia and some little mini strokes, while the Lord changed my point of view and patience level.
When she passed I did the eulogy and started by addressing the elephant in the room... My mother being a challenge. I said we were going to remember her as she was... Good and difficult. That also helped others to share honestly. Some of the stories shared were priceless and gave us all a chance to laugh, to cry, and to remember both good and bad. So my suggestion is to just be honest.

I already answered but I thought I would put this poem here for anyone who needs it for something less religious. It is by Henry Van Dyke. I don ot know if his permission is needed but I think if you credit him you should be fine. Gone From My Sight

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
 
Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone."
 
Gone where?
 
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.

And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"
 
And that is dying...
 
by Henry Van Dyke

Let us know how the funeral went.

Sorry I haven't read other comments, but my idea for you is what I think wud giv you the most peace: Say how sometimes mom struggled, (as we all do), & that because God is perfect, you know He gave you the mother you were suited to, (& that you cared for her 2honor God Who gave you that trust). And now you trust that she finally finds rest with Him. Amen.

Here's my personal solution: I'm not having a funeral so there will be no (fake) eulogy. I am donating her body to the university. Funerals are for the ones who are left. My siblings won't come (I don't blame them) and she is estranged from everyone left in her family.

Thank you so much for posting this nature73! There are a lot of us that fit into the same category. My mother did the best she could I'm sure, but she was neglectful and showed love to her favorites for most of her life. I think Diamond Angel said it best, make the ceremony short and don't feel like you have to offer more. It is sad that we all suffer with these type of things, first taking the abuse that often comes with those who decline in age, feeling guilt, thinking we are not doing enough, and then having to deal with sibling issues, etc. I have spent a year being judged by others who do nothing to help. This year will be different.

I had a small viewing...an hour long from. 11 am to 12 noon....noon we headed to cemetery....priest said a few words...over quickly....nothing was said and no obituary was put in the paper. Mom was loved by all of us, no need to advertise. I think these are private moments.

Nature73, I am confused with your question. I do not want to sound like a beach, but I am truly concerned about you.
I'm the proverbial "middle child". I was ignored having the older sister who was the apple of Dad's/Grandma's eye(s). Grandma called her China doll. She got everything from Grandma. Little sister "Piggy" (hair always in pig tails) and treated as the "baby". Then the caboose! Yep, Mom/Dad finally got the one to carry the family jewels. ME, well I had the braces, eyeglasses (cat eye frames which are so popular now), everyone constantly made fun of me; even our Dad! I was the 1 who got all the SPECIAL CHORES like scrubbing the shower with a toothbrush, yes a toothbrush gotta get that grout clean (Dad had been in Navy).
Anyway, without knowing what was wrong with me I would cry myself to sleep, very long walks and praying, why me Lord? My Dad still doesn't care for me as a person, but loves me because I'm his kid (truth, he told me when he divorced Mom).
Your Mother's attitude toward her children really isn't the topic of a eulogy. Talk with family members who knew her when, perhaps she experienced the same from her Mother. My Mother always told us girls that we were vain as teens as we constantly curled our hair, took care of our complexions BECAUSE her Mother always did the same and she was told she would never be beautiful. Mom transferred that on us, mostly on me. I never felt good enough for anyone or anything. Guess what? My crying, praying, lack of self esteem = depression/bi-polar thanks to my parents. I did everything opposite for our daughter and we have a wonderful daughter. May not have a model's body, but she is beautiful and FANTASTIC sense of humor. Her cousins followed their Mothers life style...drugs, pregnant or got someone pregnant.
Anyway what I'm trying to say is, don't be like your Mom. Look deep into your heart to see the good times, maybe few but they are there.
I wrote a letter years ago to Mom for her birthday. I itemized everything that she DID DO to make me feel special. The best was after both sisters became pregnant in HS, Mom took me aside and told me she always knew I would never be a problem child. I was too concerned about everybody else. That I had always from when I was born, her favorite. Mom is now in a group home and leaving the 6th stage, entering the 7th stage of Alzheimer's. My siblings (I live out of State) never let me know of Mom's condition nor take her to the Dr as she should have. "They" finally decided I needed to care for Mom. Well, I had to go through things at the house and I found THAT letter. I read it after all these years and I have my eulogy for her. I found 3 decades of cards sent to her. I am going to place them in piles, send to appropriate sibling, choose their favorite to be placed in the casket, each will give a eulogy BASED on their BEST memories of Mom, even the Grandkids.
The spankings, grounding, arguments, disappointments won't matter. What WILL matter is we won't have our Mother any longer.
Always try to think about the best of your Mom and try to put the bad behind the good.
I hope I've helped in some way.

Search in your mind for something she excelled at ... be it knitting, baking, organizing things, helping at school etc & use that as the 'padding' you need -

It sounds like you have it covered. You don't need to say more than you have planned. If you feel you need to add a warm personal note, you could say that you are grateful for recent years which allowed you to get to know your mother as an adult and hear her stories. When my mother died I provided no eulogy at her funeral. For the obituary, I gave the facts of her life and let the funeral director write it so none of my bitterness crept in.

I blinked when I saw your post, because I have the exact same thoughts ALL the time. My narcissist mother is still alive at 92, but the day will come when I have to write a eulogy for her, as I did for my dad. I'm an 'only child' and yes, most people DO have a eulogy for their loved one, it seems to be expected. When dad passed, I wrote a beautiful eulogy and it was easy, albeit tough, since I cried the entire time. Dad was a wonderful man, mom, not so much. My sister in law told me I should have dad's eulogy mounted & framed, it was THAT good. I will struggle mightily to come up with positive words to describe mother's life, that's for sure. Some people here are advising you to avoid criticizing her or saying things you will regret. That's obvious! Of course you're not going to criticize her, you're looking for suggestions to say NICE things!

It sounds like your ideas for her eulogy are perfect. In my case, lots of other people love my mother because they see the mask she wears, not the REAL her. So, I plan to use that in her eulogy, how she was well loved by her caregivers and friends, etc. She doesn't HAVE any friends, but hey, it sounds good, right? She was always a great cook (force fed me until I got fat, then sent me to Weight Watchers at 9 years old), a superb housekeeper (would vacuum my room at 7 am to get my lazy ass out of bed), a devoted wife (truly hated my father and tortured him for 68 years of marriage), a loving sister to 7 siblings, etc. You can state the facts without adding the ugly truth in! That's what I plan to do. Close by saying she will be missed by so many people, but finally happy & at peace in heaven, reunited with her husband (poor soul) and relatives who were awaiting her with open arms (snicker).

Gotta laugh, right? God knows we've done ENOUGH crying!
Best of luck!!

I've had to help write eulogies for people who led less than stellar lives. In my experience there are a ways to go about it. You could take this opportunity to publicly vent all the pain she caused you, some choose this route but it generally makes the guests very uncomfortable. You could lie and say what an amazing mom she was and how much you will miss her, that also makes the audience uncomfortable if they know how she really was.

From what you write, you seem to want to take the "high road" but still be honest? In that case, you have a more difficult task. Sticking to a short general eulogy that acknowledges anything you can think of that she did well and intersperses some sentences which will make others she may have hurt, feel less betrayed is tricky but possible. Things like, Mom had a uniques parenting style, she wasn't mom of the year, but she gave me(us) the gift of life and we all managed to survive childhood and for that we are thankful. Her friends will miss all the good things that she brought to their lives. Being who she was, she did the best she could, in her own way, to raise me. ?? Something like that keeps it real without seeming to "attack the dead"? Good luck, I know that losing a parent and feeling a bit guilty because you're not 100% sad they're gone is tough.

My father attempted to molest me when I was younger. For all of my life when I bought him a greeting card for his birthday for Father's Day, I picked out the least sentimental card I could find. It wasn't even a conscious decision; eventually I realized that I was doing this and why. This pattern of mine continued consciously for the rest of his life. I loved my father in a biologically imperative way, enjoyed his company as an adult and mourned his death. My brothers did his eulogy and I observed that while they acknowledged our father's creativity, sense of humor, handyman skills, etc., nothing was said about his emotional core, his role modeling, etc. My mother's eulogy was far different in that respect. My point is that your mother may have had some admirable or enviable qualities that people reading the obituary would recognize. However, you do not need to fabricate qualities that just weren't there. Be true to your truth. She's passed on. If there is continuance of our essence after physical death, she is understanding herself now. If there is nothing, then what does it matter? Do what feels right in your heart.

It sounds to me like you have already written most of it. A eulogy doesn't have to be full of praise and tears but I do hear you saying you feel it needs a little more tenderness so how about finding that it maybe something humorous or touching that has happened more recently or at least not in your childhood. Just because you are her child doesn't mean you need to talk about your childhood, in fact often people stay away from some of that deeply personal or touching stuff because they feel they wont be able to "hold it together", keeping things more factual is protection for themselves, perhaps for opposite reason from yours and perhaps not but nothing says what you need to cover or not cover in a eulogy. My other thought is keep in mind that while she obviously wasn't what we picture as "motherly" or a mama bear mother she must have done something right even if it was simply putting others (good) into your life, your father, another relative, friend or neighbor, teacher...or just allowing others to fill some of those voids because you weren't so hardened that you are lacking compassion and love now as an adult. Simply by the fact that you are doing a eulogy and wanting to express something kind and personal without being false says a lot of good things about who you grew up to be and even if it wasn't intentional she played some factor in how that materialized simply by being your mother. It might have even been because you knew who you didn't want to be based on her but everyone who touches our lives plays a part in how we evolve so maybe there is some positive in all her negatives as mother to her young children. Maybe it took her longer to evolve and she was a better mother as you and she got older, maybe your relationship was better later in life and she just shouldn't have been a young mother when she was, I'm not in anyway meaning to excuse her behaviors or neglect nor is it my intention to minimize your experiences as a child, I'm just looking for some small way to make lemonade from those lemons you were dealt. The eulogy is for you, your family and the others collected there to hear it not so much for her so don't say anything you can't feel OK about saying, including too much of the hard truth since you obviously wont feel good about expressing that unless of course you can find the perfect moment or a humorous way to make that point.

Speak from your heart even if it isn't full for her the way you want it to be and be true to your needs and self. Take care of yourself (sometimes that means taking care of others) and don't spend too much time fretting over this, I'm sorry for your loss (I know it is still a loss for you) and I'm sending positive strength your way.

Don’t beat yourself. That’s false guilt. you are reading, stories of other peoples lives. None of these are pointing a finger at you and saying bad person, you didn’t have this relationship with your mother. Maybe what you need to do is have a private moment to yourself and grieve that you didn’t have that kind a relationship that you wanted as you read other peoples life stories. Your story is yours, not to be judged, because it is simply what it is. And besides those who are closest to you if you tried to throw something in that was not authentic they would know. Just be yourself. The way you frame it is the love that you can give. embrace it, kiss it goodbye and let it go with your own farewell in your heart.

Do other people know what your mother was like, or was she nice and sweet in front of everyone else while nasty to you? If the former, everyone will read between the lines and admire you for taking the high road in not saying anything critical. If the latter, it would be best to find something positive to fit in so the listeners don't think "my, what an ungrateful child".

The answers here are great and hopefully you will find the suggestion you are looking for. I think it is I portant to be honest as well as respectful. And what I hear you say is two things, 1) yes I want to be honest and respectful and 2) I would really like to add some loving thoughts. My suggestion is to look at what she taught you, even though it might be the backwards way of teaching. What is working in your llife ? Are you a patient parent yourself? Are you kind to strangers? Do you read about the best way to take care of your physical body? Are you determined to exercise in part because she never did? Are you a great housekeeper because she wasn’t ? Or have you made a point of holding on to precious momentous of your kids to make scrapbooks for them because she threw all your stuff away? Find your strengths. Ok so the eulogy is about her growing up years and the funny stories then you thank her. My guess is people there know the background. You are not going to beat it into the ground. But I wonder if you could say something like, “ While my mother struggled in our younger years, she gave me ( or my sibling and I) much information about what works and doesn’t work in adult lives. If it were not for these lesssons then ———- May never have happened. But I have to wonder if I would have found —— , peace, joy, patience..... ( your strengths) if she had not shown me where not to find it. I have learned much from your life and my life with you Mom and I am happy that you now know the comfort of resting in peace. Thank you, your loving daughter .