How can I write a respectful eulogy about my mom when she was narcissistic when I was young?

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How can I write a respectful eulogy about my mom when she was narcissistic when I was young?

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My Mom died before Christmas & her memorial service is in a few days. I am providing the eulogy. Mom was very harsh, mean, & impatient when we (2 of us) were kids. We always felt like she hated that she had kids & would have given anything if we weren't around. At times she showed much more affection to other children.

As we grew older, she mellowed quite a bit, but this behavior left its mark on us. I read sample eulogies written by daughters about their mothers, but I just can't bring myself to write the loving things that they do. I have written about her background growing up in a large farm family & included some anecdotes of some amusing things that happened as we were growing up. I feel like I need to add more, but loving thoughts will not come. Any suggestions?

Thanks to all the contributors to this forum. I have learned a lot about dealing with frail, but difficult parents. Dealing with Mom's decline & dementia was made easier by reading about others' issues; what worked & what didn't. And I will continue to follow as now I have my dad to monitor!

End of Life Mom Relationships

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It sounds as if you have already written an adequate eulogy. When it is difficult to sugar coat things, why do it? If you stick to the facts and talk about the things she was interested in , hobbies, work, family history....your job is done. If you want to add more, tell the people assembled there something positive or inspirational about life moving forward.

Is there a passage of scripture or a poem that brings you peace, hope, or even forgiveness? That is what I we did at our father's funeral. Sorry for your loss, but now is time to heal your own soul. Best to you!

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I’m sorry for your loss. Sounds like what you have so far will be fine, I’d skip adding more about the time periods that you don’t have good memories of. Perhaps include something from later years when you describe her as more mellow. Eulogies focus on the good in a persons life, sometimes challenging though...

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There is a way of saying what your saying without saying it. we are at our best when we choose to take the high road. Choose the best road. it is not about you. This is her death ; she was a very imperfect mother and woman. I hate hearing myself say bad things about my mother and i know that she did her best even when she failed completely as a mother. I did not walk in her shoes. I was a really horrible teenager. I put her through hell. She never held it over my head.
You can leave out anything that casts a resentment on the past. That is not the time for that to happen. You will hate yourself if your ruin it for others.

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What you have done sounds fine. My mother was great, but we still didn't go for slop about how fantastic she was. She wasn't into slop. If you feel that the audience will expect it, make it about the future -how the love of heaven will support her for eternity in the memories of everyone she knew. Meaningless, but it sounds good. Don't write something that makes you squirm.

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Well put, Margaret. 😃

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John Malkovich the actor had a good line in a movie we rented the other night. He said "my ex wife said she didn't fear going to hell anymore cause she figured it couldn't be any worse than living with me had been"

I thought that would be a good line in someone's eulogy.

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Nature73, I always found it difficult to pick out Mother’s Day cards. I had to carefully read all the text to avoid saying what I did not feel. After a bit, I would find something appropriate. Take a look through the greeting card section to get some ideas that might work for you and the unique relationship you have with your mom.

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I, too, have long struggled with Mother's Day cards, birthday cards, etc. My solution has been humorous cards. I'm trying to imagine how that would work for a eulogy. LOL

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Sounds like you did a good job writing about growing up in a large farm family, including anecdotes of amusing things...quite frankly this is all you need. That is a respectful eulogy...no need to sugar coat anything about her...or bring up the past. How long is your eulogy? When my father died we were only allowed a page and 1/2 said in 15 to 30 minutes in our catholic church.

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Agree with no need to sugar coat things. I am prepy. Every time I try to sugar coat things, later on I physically feel ill...

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Start with: My mother did the best she could . . . . . .

None of us pop out with an instruction manual. Your mother might have had an undiagnosed mental disease - and she could have simply been so disappointed with her life that it leached the life out of her.

Romance novels have a Knight in Shining Armour riding up on a White Steed to take us to the land of everlasting joy.

Reality is not like that. How many marriages are truly made in heaven?!

Please do not say things you will regret later on. Ask for assistance in writing the eulogy.

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Telling the truth may make people look at themselves to see if they are doing the same thing. The movie "I Can Only Imagine" depicts a "monster" of a father who changed after accepting Christ. Usually, in these cases, only biographical facts are given and then the pastor goes into a sermon. Why should you give a eulogy at all? Also, why not just have a brief graveside service?

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Your eulogy about anything but the truth would be inappropriate. My suggestion is that you focus on her life contributions (not just family) and how she grew, changed, etc over the years to become a better person. Focus on values you may have learned from her (whether by example or by learning of how NOT to live) and express your gratitude. Humor works well in these kind of situations..., ie, showing one’s flaws along with their strengths. I’ve been to funerals where their was laughter about human foibles and traits that were often particularly recognizable to everyone.

Ultimately, most people aren’t all bad so pick the better things and keep it simple if you have to so you can show respect for her as the woman who brought you into the world and raised you. Just tell the truth while using discernment in your choice of what to highlight. Best of luck and my condolences for your loss.

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There were likely some people who didn't know the real her and seemed to love her dearly. You could talk about the childhood events and then describe the the deep feelings some felt for her--in other words, finesse it.

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Try sticking to the facts of her life rather than your reaction to it. My mother lived through some very challenging times as she had seven children in less than 10 years. At her memorial I gave a short speech that was more a history of her life and not quite a eulogy.

Perhaps you can ask one of her friends or her pastor to say a few kind words if you can't.

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I agree that what you have is sufficient- if you feel you must add something- “She was -so we could be”. Right, wrong or indifferent- she got pregnant- carried the two of you to full term (no abortion) saw that you grew up to become adults- so that is it - if she had not existed you would not be here to worry about what to write. If you have children, hope they will not endure the same problem. Blessings.

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Being somewhat narcissistic myself (at least according to my daughter) I have written my own notice for the newspapers, and discussed service with my minister. I really don't like the idea of family members giving eulogies. When my Episcopalian mother died, there was a set service and no one gave any personal comments. When my (2nd) husband died, I did not speak, nor did his sister or his two sons--although I suppose they would have if I had asked them.

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I am so sorry for the loss of your Mother and the frustration you're experiencing in writing her eulogy. I would suggest that you sit down and make a list of the "good" qualities and memories (there are bound to be some)? Maybe she was a good cook, or maybe she was a good housekeeper, or maybe she made sure your needs were met and saw to it that you were clean and well dressed. I can't relate to your emotions, but I know you don't want to get up and drag her memory through the mud. You wouldn't have asked this question if you did. You can be honest without being harsh. For instance, "She wasn't a gentle or loving Mother, but she saw to it we learned values and to respect other people." Maybe she made you laugh or you found humor in some of her idiosyncrasies.

I pray that you and your sibling will find the strength to let go of the pain and find solace in the love you have for one another. Happy New Year to you and your family.

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Thank for your answer here. It has been very helpful for me. And I am sure you have helped nature73

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Your childhood left you wounded and that trauma sounds significant enough to need address. A eulogy at a funeral may be a place for you to feel some closure but maybe do it in a way that gives your pain voice known only to you but allows others Their memories and peace. You may need to forgive her to begin your healing.

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Good advice you've given!

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I feel the same. I can't ever find a birthday card for my mom, I can't find the feelings inside me. I bought a Funny b-day for her . I think about what I would say at my mother's funeral all the time. My 3 adult daughter's feel the same ,and even one of my grandkids now. How sad for my mother to have many people feel bad about her, and it is getting worse each year.

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Don't write her eulogy. Ask someone else who has something kind to say. Maybe a sibling, cousin, friend or neighbor. Let her passing and your painful memories go in peace. What's done, is done. You can't un-ring a bell.

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You must not upset your father . I understand you feel you can't say various stuff but, can nobody else say it. Otherwise you need to say things from how she was. Nobody knows what problems your mum may or may not have had. You can't add loving thoughts you don't . Maybe you can talk about your mum and dad. Good luck

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Maybe you can just say ... i loved her ... and thats all ???

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I’ve been hesitating to say this for so long that the funeral is probably over — but do you have to be a speaker at her funeral? It’s OK to decline. Or - maybe one quick “fun fact” or anecdote, then transition to a favorite (yours or hers) poem or passage from the Bible?

Just curious: I’ve been to more funerals without eulogies than with them. Is my experience unusual??

(It never crossed my mind to give a eulogy at my mother’s funeral - or to drum up someone else to deliver one.)

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The answers here are great and hopefully you will find the suggestion you are looking for. I think it is I portant to be honest as well as respectful. And what I hear you say is two things, 1) yes I want to be honest and respectful and 2) I would really like to add some loving thoughts. My suggestion is to look at what she taught you, even though it might be the backwards way of teaching. What is working in your llife ? Are you a patient parent yourself? Are you kind to strangers? Do you read about the best way to take care of your physical body? Are you determined to exercise in part because she never did? Are you a great housekeeper because she wasn’t ? Or have you made a point of holding on to precious momentous of your kids to make scrapbooks for them because she threw all your stuff away? Find your strengths. Ok so the eulogy is about her growing up years and the funny stories then you thank her. My guess is people there know the background. You are not going to beat it into the ground. But I wonder if you could say something like, “ While my mother struggled in our younger years, she gave me ( or my sibling and I) much information about what works and doesn’t work in adult lives. If it were not for these lesssons then ———- May never have happened. But I have to wonder if I would have found —— , peace, joy, patience..... ( your strengths) if she had not shown me where not to find it. I have learned much from your life and my life with you Mom and I am happy that you now know the comfort of resting in peace. Thank you, your loving daughter .

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Love that. Good way to think it through.

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Do other people know what your mother was like, or was she nice and sweet in front of everyone else while nasty to you? If the former, everyone will read between the lines and admire you for taking the high road in not saying anything critical. If the latter, it would be best to find something positive to fit in so the listeners don't think "my, what an ungrateful child".

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Don’t beat yourself. That’s false guilt. you are reading, stories of other peoples lives. None of these are pointing a finger at you and saying bad person, you didn’t have this relationship with your mother. Maybe what you need to do is have a private moment to yourself and grieve that you didn’t have that kind a relationship that you wanted as you read other peoples life stories. Your story is yours, not to be judged, because it is simply what it is. And besides those who are closest to you if you tried to throw something in that was not authentic they would know. Just be yourself. The way you frame it is the love that you can give. embrace it, kiss it goodbye and let it go with your own farewell in your heart.

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It sounds to me like you have already written most of it. A eulogy doesn't have to be full of praise and tears but I do hear you saying you feel it needs a little more tenderness so how about finding that it maybe something humorous or touching that has happened more recently or at least not in your childhood. Just because you are her child doesn't mean you need to talk about your childhood, in fact often people stay away from some of that deeply personal or touching stuff because they feel they wont be able to "hold it together", keeping things more factual is protection for themselves, perhaps for opposite reason from yours and perhaps not but nothing says what you need to cover or not cover in a eulogy. My other thought is keep in mind that while she obviously wasn't what we picture as "motherly" or a mama bear mother she must have done something right even if it was simply putting others (good) into your life, your father, another relative, friend or neighbor, teacher...or just allowing others to fill some of those voids because you weren't so hardened that you are lacking compassion and love now as an adult. Simply by the fact that you are doing a eulogy and wanting to express something kind and personal without being false says a lot of good things about who you grew up to be and even if it wasn't intentional she played some factor in how that materialized simply by being your mother. It might have even been because you knew who you didn't want to be based on her but everyone who touches our lives plays a part in how we evolve so maybe there is some positive in all her negatives as mother to her young children. Maybe it took her longer to evolve and she was a better mother as you and she got older, maybe your relationship was better later in life and she just shouldn't have been a young mother when she was, I'm not in anyway meaning to excuse her behaviors or neglect nor is it my intention to minimize your experiences as a child, I'm just looking for some small way to make lemonade from those lemons you were dealt. The eulogy is for you, your family and the others collected there to hear it not so much for her so don't say anything you can't feel OK about saying, including too much of the hard truth since you obviously wont feel good about expressing that unless of course you can find the perfect moment or a humorous way to make that point.

Speak from your heart even if it isn't full for her the way you want it to be and be true to your needs and self. Take care of yourself (sometimes that means taking care of others) and don't spend too much time fretting over this, I'm sorry for your loss (I know it is still a loss for you) and I'm sending positive strength your way.

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My father attempted to molest me when I was younger. For all of my life when I bought him a greeting card for his birthday for Father's Day, I picked out the least sentimental card I could find. It wasn't even a conscious decision; eventually I realized that I was doing this and why. This pattern of mine continued consciously for the rest of his life. I loved my father in a biologically imperative way, enjoyed his company as an adult and mourned his death. My brothers did his eulogy and I observed that while they acknowledged our father's creativity, sense of humor, handyman skills, etc., nothing was said about his emotional core, his role modeling, etc. My mother's eulogy was far different in that respect. My point is that your mother may have had some admirable or enviable qualities that people reading the obituary would recognize. However, you do not need to fabricate qualities that just weren't there. Be true to your truth. She's passed on. If there is continuance of our essence after physical death, she is understanding herself now. If there is nothing, then what does it matter? Do what feels right in your heart.

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You are an amazing person.

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I've had to help write eulogies for people who led less than stellar lives. In my experience there are a ways to go about it. You could take this opportunity to publicly vent all the pain she caused you, some choose this route but it generally makes the guests very uncomfortable. You could lie and say what an amazing mom she was and how much you will miss her, that also makes the audience uncomfortable if they know how she really was.

From what you write, you seem to want to take the "high road" but still be honest? In that case, you have a more difficult task. Sticking to a short general eulogy that acknowledges anything you can think of that she did well and intersperses some sentences which will make others she may have hurt, feel less betrayed is tricky but possible. Things like, Mom had a uniques parenting style, she wasn't mom of the year, but she gave me(us) the gift of life and we all managed to survive childhood and for that we are thankful. Her friends will miss all the good things that she brought to their lives. Being who she was, she did the best she could, in her own way, to raise me. ?? Something like that keeps it real without seeming to "attack the dead"? Good luck, I know that losing a parent and feeling a bit guilty because you're not 100% sad they're gone is tough.

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I blinked when I saw your post, because I have the exact same thoughts ALL the time. My narcissist mother is still alive at 92, but the day will come when I have to write a eulogy for her, as I did for my dad. I'm an 'only child' and yes, most people DO have a eulogy for their loved one, it seems to be expected. When dad passed, I wrote a beautiful eulogy and it was easy, albeit tough, since I cried the entire time. Dad was a wonderful man, mom, not so much. My sister in law told me I should have dad's eulogy mounted & framed, it was THAT good. I will struggle mightily to come up with positive words to describe mother's life, that's for sure. Some people here are advising you to avoid criticizing her or saying things you will regret. That's obvious! Of course you're not going to criticize her, you're looking for suggestions to say NICE things!

It sounds like your ideas for her eulogy are perfect. In my case, lots of other people love my mother because they see the mask she wears, not the REAL her. So, I plan to use that in her eulogy, how she was well loved by her caregivers and friends, etc. She doesn't HAVE any friends, but hey, it sounds good, right? She was always a great cook (force fed me until I got fat, then sent me to Weight Watchers at 9 years old), a superb housekeeper (would vacuum my room at 7 am to get my lazy ass out of bed), a devoted wife (truly hated my father and tortured him for 68 years of marriage), a loving sister to 7 siblings, etc. You can state the facts without adding the ugly truth in! That's what I plan to do. Close by saying she will be missed by so many people, but finally happy & at peace in heaven, reunited with her husband (poor soul) and relatives who were awaiting her with open arms (snicker).

Gotta laugh, right? God knows we've done ENOUGH crying!
Best of luck!!

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((((big hugs)))) I’d need oxygen, ropes and a sherpa to “take the high road” the way you do! Sending you good vibes. 🧡

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It sounds like you have it covered. You don't need to say more than you have planned. If you feel you need to add a warm personal note, you could say that you are grateful for recent years which allowed you to get to know your mother as an adult and hear her stories. When my mother died I provided no eulogy at her funeral. For the obituary, I gave the facts of her life and let the funeral director write it so none of my bitterness crept in.

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How can I write a respectful eulogy about my mom when she was narcissistic when I was young?

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