My mom is 91, with moderate cognitive decline and very limited mobility. She still lives in her home and has a rotating schedule of agency caregivers throughout the day. (I've also been living with her for the better part of the last two years, but am currently back home on the other side of the country, where my job and health insurance is, dealing with some medical issues of my own.) She is well loved by many people in her small town, for which I am grateful. These same people can also be... let's say "boundary oblivious," so in the early days of the pandemic I put a sign on the front door that said "For [Mom's] protection, no unannounced visitors, please. Sorry and thank you!"
The sign remains on the door, but no one seems to heed it. This morning, her caregiver walked into the den (where my mom was eating breakfast) after making my mom's bed and found two women from her church standing over her. They had ignored the sign and walked right into the house (the caregiver had left the door unlocked). My mom was confused and didn't know what was happening (they were wearing masks, which I appreciate, but she wasn't able to see their faces and didn't know who they were. She also has social, and every other kind of, anxiety). I imagine someone who hasn't been in this situation might not understand just how disorienting that could be to my mom, and how disruptive to her routine as well as the caregiver's, but THAT'S WHY THE SIGN IS THERE! I am really at a loss as to why someone would blatantly disregard it. And it's definitely not the first time this has happened.
I'll instruct the caregivers to make sure to lock the door behind them moving forward, but I also know that these are the kinds of people who would just knock on the door until someone answered and then say "I'm announcing myself!"
To be clear, socializing is good for my mom and I want her to have visitors! But we need advance notice, to prepare my mom and so that her caregivers can plan out her day. She also has medical professionals coming in and out for various appointments (visiting nurse, PT, OT, etc.) to work around (and on the days that they come, she is generally exhausted, so not a good time for other visitors).
How can we best communicate this in a loving, but firm, way?
Besides keeping the door locked 100% of the time, I would suggest sending out notes or a mass email to the effect of what you've said in your post here. That if a person would like to visit, notice MUST be given and a date and time must be prearranged, similar to what's done in managed care residential living environments. That mom is suffering from anxiety related issues and needs to know who's coming and when, that's all there is to it. If you'd like to arrange an appointment, please call 555-1234 to do so. Thank you.
The end.
Anyone who shows up unannounced should be turned away at the door. No if ands or buts about it. This is for mom's protection and not to be mean or socially awkward.
Good luck!
If the door will not be kept locked then a bell on the door so that if it is opened the noise will alert the caregiver. And never underestimate the ability of someone with dementia to get up, walk out of the house and be gone before anyone realizes they are out.
There is no excuse for just walking into someone's house. I think the friends that did this are clueless and no amount of communicating in a "loving but firm way" will get through to them.
I would then have Ring installed. This way the Caregivers do not have to open the door. Just nicely tell the visitors, sorry this is not a good time. Please call 555-5555 the next time so we can work your visit around her schedule.
I’d put a lock on the front door that automatically locks when the door closes. Same thing on the screen door, if you leave the solid door open in summer. And spreading the word at the Church is a really good idea. Perhaps you could talk to the pair who came last, tell them how upsetting it was for your mother when she didn’t recognise them in their masks, was really unwell that day, it set her back a fair bit etc etc. Say the doctor wanted ‘no visitors at all’, but you value some company for her so long as it is pre-aranged for a good time. If you are firm and shock their socks off, they are probably likely to spread it around to others in the same social or age group.
Print a copy of the email in large type, laminate it, and stick it by the doorbell.
The caregivers can be asked to greet all social visitors outside those times with a pleasant smile and to tell them that their good wishes/flowers/messages/cookies will be passed on to your mother. But NOBODY crosses the threshold.
Definitely contact the church, and I'd find a way to word your door note in a way that implies you've had some issues with problematic unannounced visitors and that the "good" visitors surely wouldn't want to be in that category, so "we know you'll respect our need to schedule visitors in advance."