My 96 year old Dad has Alzheimer’s. My 92 year old Mum and I look after him. He is unable to walk and is in bed all the time. It is hard work but we love him and don’t want him to end up in a care home. My problem is that my Mum allows herself to get upset by some of the things he says. For example, he accuses her of taking his money, taking his bank books (He hasn’t had a bank book for years - he’s had debit cards), not feeding him, taking his 4 pensions and so on. I know it’s not true and Mum knows it’s not true but she still allows it to bother her. I have told her over and over again that it’s the dementia talking and that there is no point arguing, trying to justify or reason with him, but she still does and just gets herself more upset. What can I do?
If placing your dad is such a horrible thought to you and your mom, consider bringing in paid caregivers to give her a break every day. Allow her to get out and away from the accusations being hurled at her, and so she can feel like a normal human being again, at least for a few hours each day. It's mind bogglingly hard work to deal with a dementia patient all day long, every day, day in and day out, and she needs respite from it. That's the best thing you can do to help your mother get some relief from the predicament she's in at the moment.
Good luck helping your mom figure out how to get help with your dad.
I wish you and your mom the best in caring for your father.
Along with that is suggestions for her to cope with the accusations. She needs to understand that trying to get him to know what he's saying isn't true is part of the education she needs. The "ideas" they get, whether it's stealing, cheating, or a host of other situations are there and won't be dislodged. Arguing, trying to convince him otherwise or whatever she's trying isn't going to work. The best she can do is acknowledge what he's said and tell him she will look into it and then try to distract him. If she can't distract him, she needs to affirm again she'll "look into it" and walk away.
Arguing with someone who has dementia is like trying to argue with a 2 year old. It will only lead to anger and frustration. When you two can sit together away from him, talk about how she tries to convince him and that it doesn't work. Since it doesn't work, ever, then she needs to try this different approach. It will take time and there will be set backs, but if she's willing to try, encourage her. If possible, demonstrate how to do it when you are there helping out.
While talking about it, just the two of you, perhaps you can also make light of it and get her to laugh about how silly it is that he thinks this way. Of course she shouldn't laugh at him when he says these things, but if she can see the humor in it (how can she steal a bank book when they no longer use them), perhaps it can help. We all need to have a break, and a good laugh. It is tough caring for someone with dementia.
The suggestion to hire some help might lessen the effect for her as well, giving her time away from the accusations and time to "unwind" a bit. It's not easy for us adult children to deal with, imagine how much harder it is on a spouse, especially one who is over 90!
The only other possible solution might be a mild anti-anxiety med for him. Our doc didn't want mom to have this "on hand" in the event she had another UTI which lead to severe sun-downing, because it's considered to be a fall risk. Mom didn't need it all the time, only for the UTI episode, but she NEVER fell when taking it. She also wasn't "doped up." In your dad's case, he's already unable to walk, so isn't really a fall risk. If this seems to happen at a certain time of day, say later afternoon or early evening, a very small dose 15-20m before the time he usually starts should take the "edge" off and may be enough.
Of course she knows she didn’t take his “bank book,” but it’s being the source of his anxiety and accusations of deceit that hurts her to the core. She feels the need to defend herself because she having difficulty reconciling the situation, as would anyone who is rational.
This is very stressful for her, so do things with her (away from him) that ease her stress. When dad was very sick, Mom could “get away” at a movie. You could read her a favorite book, listen to music, even go on a drive. When I played Mom music from her youth, she became so relaxed and happy. It is easy to pull up obscure songs from long ago on your cellphone.
Even if you go right back into the hurricane, a few minutes off will make her healthier, mentally and physically.
Talk to your dad’s doctor about an antidepressant (for him) to take the edge off the anxiety that is causing his torment.
Think back to when you were in school, kids say all sorts of stuff that is not true and it upsets you, in the workplace people may say things that are not true....on social media people say things that we know are not true and it upsets you. This is no different.
Just keep repeating that it is the disease not him that is saying those things.
With some things she could try reassure him that his money is safe, the bank books are safe. I bet that is his concern.
This might help....Go to the Dollar Store and get some children's fake money. Get a new check register (remember we used to record all the checks we wrote). If you can find an old bank book (heavens I have not seen one of those in years) and give them to him. He can't do anything with them but just having them might put him at ease. You could even give him some "junk mail" for him to go through. With all his "money, bank book and mail" he might feel less anxiety and that might stop some of the arguments.
If she still gets upset if he says anything just tell her to leave the room, as long as it is safe to do so.
If he is complaining that she has not fed him get a "snack" for him. A bit of yogurt, applesauce, pudding or anything else he can eat. My Husband was eating a lot of soft or pureed foods and sleeping a lot I would spread out his meals over the entire day so he would eat a bit at breakfast, lunch and dinner but I would give him pureed fruit, yogurt several times during the day.
I have to add this, only because it's me and I feel strongly about this subject....
Is your dad on Hospice? If not I would contact the Hospice of your choice (there are 2 basic types FOR profit and NOT for profit) have him evaluated and you will get help from CNA's that will come in a few times a week. A Nurse that will come once a week. You will get supplies and equipment that you need to safely care for him. And you can ask for a Volunteer that can come in and help either do some housework, sit with dad while you take mom out for a bit. I would not have been able to care for my Husband the way I did without the help from Hospice and the VA.
(and if dad is a Veteran check with the VA or contact the local Veterans Assistance Commission to determine how much help the VA could be for your dad and mom. )
Watch the movie "50 First Dates" together. There are funny characters that have short term memory loss. The story is about a man who falls in love with a woman with short term memory problems and finds a way to help her remember him. It may help your mom to see more clearly that her husband has a neurological problem.
The reason I recommend this movie is that Alzheimer's disease creates a similar situation. Your dad doesn't remember the "current stuff" and his memories hark back to an earlier time - bank books are a huge clue. The best way to handle his anxiety is to reassure him that whatever he is stressing about is actually not a problem and to distract him to another topic.
If he can not be calmed and remains accusatory, anxious, and agitated... then he may need some intervention. Talk to his doctor about this obsession and agitation - how often, for how long, all the behaviors... - and that distraction and reassurances are not working. His doctor can prescribe anti-anxiety medication to help him calm down.
If a physical illness had disfigured him, it would still be upsetting no matter how well you understood the process. Understanding things rationally doesn't always make them much more bearable.
It doesn't matter if it's not true for it is true to them.
My Dad is worse when he has a UTI which is a Urinary Track Infection.
You might have his Nurse come to the house and get a Urine Sample to.check to make sure
For your mom's sake and welfare it might be time to move dad to a facility to care for him and who are trained to deal with all his issues - especially his verbal abuse.
I wish your family the best of luck.
They can explain what is coming (different in each person with the condition) and which approaches are best.
Have you read about the SPECAL approach..very simple.