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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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This may have already been said so ignore it if it has. I'm wondering if mom is using her anxiety a little to make you feel guilt. I don't mean that she knows what she is doing, but maybe unconsciously . Or that your enabling her anxiety by holding her hand a little to much.
When my anxiety is high , it is actually worse if I tell people. Unless it's uncontrollable I try to keep it to myself, because I don't want to hear oh poor you or anything. If I do then it makes my anxiety go up .
Best of luck to you. I hope some of the post help you through this very hard journey.
Thank you for your answers some of which were helpful. I did not explain properly - mum is on a lot of anxiety medication and has been for years - sufficient that she cannot medically take any more. She has three carers plus my brother and I who either stay there or come several times a day. She has visitors and friends in throughout the week, a wellbeing coach on Sunday, visits a geriatrician and has regular doctor visits. She is almost blind, walks perfectly well with her walker and has not other medical needs. The doctor has diagnosed her pain ( which I know she feels) as psychosomatic - eg nothing physically wrong. She is terrified of being in assisted living and we do not want to do this unless we have to for medical reasons only. She has no dementia except for some short term memory loss and not confusion at all. She can go from miserable and whimpering to cheerful in 5mins if distracted or a friend calls. She has audiobooks, meditation disks, enjoys some television and I read to her and chat etc. The distress continues particularly in the mornings. What else might work to keep her stable please? She also has a little dog that keeps her company! xxx
First, get her to a neurologist. He/she will prescribe the right memory medication for her situation. For h er safety, it is best to do this, so she doesn't walk out into the dark herself at night while you sleep, or that she doesnt' go out into traffic, or take medication that is not hers. Etc, etc., etc. Believe me, any kind of unsafe situation can occur by a demented person. My husband was one, going o ut walking without telling me, crossing streets without looking, etc. Don't take chances!!!
My mom when she was 93 went through extreme anxiety over about a year’s time (my dad died the year before and I think that was the tripwire). With the extreme anxiety she also experienced extreme pain all over her body that could not be diagnosed or treated and she went in and out of medical facilities until we got her into an ALF where her extreme anxiety, pain, and disability persisted for several more weeks -until her doctor prescribed a very low dose of Seroquel which, within 2-3 days, calmed her and took away all her physical pain. Gradually she made friends at the AL and her normal personality returned.
Ask your mom’s doctor for a psych referral or maybe just a prescription to try. My mom’s primary prescribed Seroquel, and since that worked fine she didn’t need to be seen by a psychiatrist. If it hadn’t, she would have.
My mother is 97 and has moderate dementia. She is very very needy and whines a lot. She is also anxious at times.
As long as she is taken to the bathroom, she is clean, she is fed, she is hydrated and is as comfortable as I can make her, my job is done.
However. If she gets so anxious that she is keeping me up at night, I give her a small dose of Ativan and that stops it. I use it as a last resort because it wrecks her mobility for up to 2 days.
If she is anxious during the day, all that I do when she starts up is to tell her that everyone is just fine, she is fine and the weather is perfect. Then if she persists, she just has to be anxious.
If you are open to it, I highly recommend trying CBD oil drops. They are non-psychoactive cannabis products and do wonders for pain and anxiety relief.
Yes, anxiety ramps up the inflammation and vice versa, causing pain even if there's no 'injury' or 'cause'; you just feel everything more acutely. CBD, calming herbal teas that don't conflict with any meds she takes, etc., can help calm the entire nervous system, including pain.
Agreed. I'm "only" 87 and not wildly enthusiastic about reaching 90--let alone 95 or 99! I'm still mobile, albeit less than I once was, and live independently with my 94 Y/O husband, but life/existence has gotten considerably harder for us both over the past year. Those who once favored excess longevity may come to re-think it as they hit their mid-80s. "Be careful what you wish for" can take on new meaning.
So much depends on her cognition / abilities. Ask MD about medication. Give / get her massages. - Even parts, i.e., head, feet, hands, shoulders - Gentle, relaxing touch may help (gets the oxytocin ('feel good hormones') activated.
* Talk to her; try to keep her calm * Listen to what she has to say so she feels heard (not alone) and understood * Try music.
Google as I just did, i.e., Why do older people get anxiety?
What is the most common cause of anxiety in the elderly?
Common fears about aging can lead to anxiety. Many older adults are afraid of falling, being unable to afford living expenses and medication, being victimized, being dependent on others, being left alone, and death. Older adults and their families should be aware that health changes can also bring on anxiety.
Personally, I am doing meditation more seriously/regularly although I realize you mom likely cannot 'do meditation' although you supporting her calm-ness will hopefully help her. Try / meditate yourself - really. It will help you to be more present with her if you are more relaxed and emotionally even. This is not easy, managing care of a loved one / parent.
Do you understand that a person's life cannot be centered around being on duty 24/7 to keep an elderly LO calm. That is not sustainable. Believe me it's not.
I've had hundreds of elderly care clients over the years who played 'The Game' of working themselves up into hysterics and tears for attention. Some even "staged" falls and other health crises. I dealt with this for 25 years and with a hypochondriac, histrionic mother for 50 years.
When you know a person and are caring for them, you can also tell what's a performance for attention and what isn't.
True, many seniors and younger people alike benefit greatly from anti-anxiety medication. That is sustainable.
Do not give any attention when you know the complaining and carrying on is nonsense. Don't validate this behavior with attention because is will make it worse.
If the OP's mother lives with her, she should ask her mother's doctor to prescribe anti-anxiety meds and even try some socialization for her mother like adult day care a couple days a week. It really helps and I hope the OP gives it a try. If nothing helps and the complaining and hysterics continues, the OP should look into placement for her mother.
you didnt mention her age. Short term memory loss implies there may be some developing dementia. As others have said, maybe she is actually experiencing some pain? I think take her to her primary doctor or geriatrician for a full checkup seems the best help and first step you can do. the scenario needs full evaluation
I agree that an anti-anxiety medication is likely in order. Her Dr. should asses this and make recommendations. My mother never complains or cries on the days that she goes to "Exercise Class" (Physical Therapy). Given a referral by a doctor, Medicare pays 100% of PT for an elderly person.
This has led me to the conclusion that she needed more social interaction.
You've made an excellent point here. The mother would likely benefit from some socialization. If the complaining and crying is never on "Exercise Class" days, then there it is.
The complaining and crying has to be ignored though. Do not be a player in that attention-seeking game because it only gets worse if you do.
Your mother would definitely benefit from some anti-anxiety medication taken as needed. It will calm her down.
As for the crying, complaining, and wailing. Ignore it. It's an attention-seeking game. Don't play this game. When there's no one willing to play the senior's games, they stop.
I did in-home caregiving for 25 years. I had all kinds of elderly and ancient clients who did the same thing. Crying, complaining, and hysterics over nothing. The reason for this attention-seeking behavior is for usually one of two reasons.
1) The person wants someone to 'baby' them like they are a child with a "boo-boo". They are not a child and should not be treated like one. If someone is so far gone with dementia that they have regressed back into being a child or a baby, they belong in a care facility. Your mother has not reached this point.
2) The person wants someone to fight with.
Don't give into either. Your mother with the help of anti-anxiety meds and they will be helpful must learn that if she wants to stay out of a care facility the performances and hysterics have to stop. You don't go running in to calm her down because that's ridiculous. That's what you do for a child. Like I said, if an adult has reached the point in their dementia where they've regressed back into being a child or a baby, they belong in care facility not at home.
Have her sit. Hold her hands. Have her do a "wet noodle" by relaxing her whole body until she could slide off the chair if it wasn't there. Tell her to breathe along with you. Empty your lungs. Take a breath in slowly for a count of six. Exhale for six. Inhale for six. Keep repeating. Anxiety cannot physiologically take hold if the body is relaxed. It's a circular system between the brain and the rest of the body. As soon as you see her start to get anxious say "wet noodle it" to prompt her. If she's afraid because she's very old and fears death, talk to her about it or get someone she can talk to. Throughout the day remind her to relax her muscles until it starts to become second nature.
A slightly different take, as a 61-year-old with severe anxiety issues and trauma-based physical health issues (childhood and other trauma, and no, trauma isn't always what we think it is), who has a 91-year-old mother with severe anxiety issues and physical health stuff, I feel a real need here to ask people to please NEVER assume someone's pain is "psychosomatic". Even if there is "nothing wrong" there could be mental health issues causing very real pain.
Secondly, a lot of people are saying to prescribe antidepressants, and I'm sure that is an option, but just be aware that there ARE side effects of antidepressants, and often the elderly experience these more strongly than younger people. I would definitely discuss this with a hospice care/palliative care worker. It does sound like a very low dose of an anti-anxiety med would be appropriate here.
I also like the ideas of distraction, as that works well for me. My mom is pretty much bed-bound (she can get up if she needs to, but she's more comfortable in bed), and she's blind in one eye from AMD so puzzles, etc. wouldn't work in her case, but my dad will come in and read to her (they don't know how to "work" Audible) and keep her entertained sometimes. When she's alone is when she's the most anxious and she'll call me with worries.
Anyway -- I think there are a lot of good suggestions here already, just do be careful with meds as elderly people are usually a lot more sensitive to them. And please never write off anyone's pain as "psychosomatic" (as in "it's not really there"). It's really there, I promise.
The OP is not claiming that her mother's anxiety is psychosematic. No one can live 24/7 with having to calm someone else down who is constantly working themselves up into hysterics. That is not sustainable. Even in a care facility, no one has their own private staff whose only job is calming them down. That's why they're medicated. Anti-anxiety meds as needed will help.
If you've never suffered from chronic anxiety--you can't imagine how horrible it feels. At ANY age!
My experience with uncontrolled anxiety was the worst thing I have ever gone through. It's as real as a broken leg.
You should get mom in to a Dr ASAP and have something prescribed to help her. She doesn't need to live out her life in free-floating fear and anxiousness.
I also agree that it's time for hospice. Hospice doesn't mean to end life but to make the time left more comfortable which could last for years. You wouldn't believe how much they can do to help your loved one. They have prescriptions,adjustable bed with heat and massage and air mattress for comfort,items to help with lifting, etc. If mom is fidgeting a helpful item might be a doll or a squishy toy to help relieve the anxiety.
My mom is 89, has dementia with short-term memory loss, anxiety and various aches and pains. When she becomes anxious and starts repeating things over and over, we found that doing puzzles (no more than 50 pieces) helps to distract her. Sometimes playing a simple game of cards (matching numbers or "war" or "go fish") helps to calm her down. Medication makes it too difficult for her function.
Activities that keep her grounded in the present would help. Is there a senior center you can take her to that has some activity she might be interested in?
What about asking her to help out with some simple housework task, such as dusting? It might help take her mind off of worrying and give her a bonus feeling of accomplishment.
I'm not against meds, but getting at the root of her anxiety is important also. CBT psychology says that feelings follow thoughts. So maybe therapy with a CBT practitioner could help her with analyzing the thoughts that are making her anxious.
Edit: I see that your mother is 99 years old. While that is quite old, how is her health in general? Many people at the senior center I go to are 95+.
I agree with all others. At this point--96 years of age--your mother has a right to be medicated to comfort. I would speak to doctor, assuming a urinary tract infection is ruled out and an MRI has been done to rule out any occult illness. I would tell the doctor you would prefer palliative care now. This will give mother access to more and better drugs, and whether anti-anxiety meds, anti-depressant meds, or other meds I think an answer need to be found MEDICALLY to make mother comfortable.
Yes to meds for anxiety, yes to looking into hospice. My Mom just turned 95 and this Feb started the lowest dose of Lexapro and it has helped her weepiness a lot.
Your profile says that your mother is 99 years old, and living at home. Have you talked to her doctor to see if they could give her something for her anxiety, as I'm guessing all the rest is stemming from that? And perhaps at her age it's time to bring hospice on board as they will supply any needed equipment, supplies and medications all covered 100% under your mothers Medicare. They will also have a nurse to come once a week to start, and aides to come bathe her at least twice a week. Might be worth looking into, as they can supply any needed anxiety medications along with pain medications too.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
When my anxiety is high , it is actually worse if I tell people. Unless it's uncontrollable I try to keep it to myself, because I don't want to hear oh poor you or anything. If I do then it makes my anxiety go up .
Best of luck to you. I hope some of the post help you through this very hard journey.
Ask your mom’s doctor for a psych referral or maybe just a prescription to try. My mom’s primary prescribed Seroquel, and since that worked fine she didn’t need to be seen by a psychiatrist. If it hadn’t, she would have.
As long as she is taken to the bathroom, she is clean, she is fed, she is hydrated and is as comfortable as I can make her, my job is done.
However. If she gets so anxious that she is keeping me up at night, I give her a small dose of Ativan and that stops it. I use it as a last resort because it wrecks her mobility for up to 2 days.
If she is anxious during the day, all that I do when she starts up is to tell her that everyone is just fine, she is fine and the weather is perfect. Then if she persists, she just has to be anxious.
https://www.webmd.com/cannabinoids/cbd-depression-anxiety
I am sure that whatever anxiety she has experienced in the past is amplified now due to her advanced age.
She is probably sick and tired of everything in her life.
My mom lived to be 95 and she was ready to go long before she died. Meds definitely helped my mom cope during her final years.
Her emotional state affects your life. It’s tough to be in your situation, because you can’t influence or control your mother’s emotions.
Enlist outside help, whether it’s meds or placement in a facility, getting hospice on board and so on.
Best wishes to you and your mom.
Ask MD about medication.
Give / get her massages.
- Even parts, i.e., head, feet, hands, shoulders
- Gentle, relaxing touch may help (gets the oxytocin ('feel good hormones') activated.
* Talk to her; try to keep her calm
* Listen to what she has to say so she feels heard (not alone) and understood
* Try music.
Google as I just did, i.e., Why do older people get anxiety?
What is the most common cause of anxiety in the elderly?
Common fears about aging can lead to anxiety. Many older adults are afraid of falling, being unable to afford living expenses and medication, being victimized, being dependent on others, being left alone, and death. Older adults and their families should be aware that health changes can also bring on anxiety.
Personally, I am doing meditation more seriously/regularly although I realize you mom likely cannot 'do meditation' although you supporting her calm-ness will hopefully help her. Try / meditate yourself - really. It will help you to be more present with her if you are more relaxed and emotionally even. This is not easy, managing care of a loved one / parent.
Gena / Touch Matters
Do you understand that a person's life cannot be centered around being on duty 24/7 to keep an elderly LO calm. That is not sustainable. Believe me it's not.
I've had hundreds of elderly care clients over the years who played 'The Game' of working themselves up into hysterics and tears for attention. Some even "staged" falls and other health crises. I dealt with this for 25 years and with a hypochondriac, histrionic mother for 50 years.
When you know a person and are caring for them, you can also tell what's a performance for attention and what isn't.
True, many seniors and younger people alike benefit greatly from anti-anxiety medication. That is sustainable.
Do not give any attention when you know the complaining and carrying on is nonsense. Don't validate this behavior with attention because is will make it worse.
If the OP's mother lives with her, she should ask her mother's doctor to prescribe anti-anxiety meds and even try some socialization for her mother like adult day care a couple days a week. It really helps and I hope the OP gives it a try. If nothing helps and the complaining and hysterics continues, the OP should look into placement for her mother.
My mother never complains or cries on the days that she goes to "Exercise Class" (Physical Therapy). Given a referral by a doctor, Medicare pays 100% of PT for an elderly person.
This has led me to the conclusion that she needed more social interaction.
You've made an excellent point here. The mother would likely benefit from some socialization. If the complaining and crying is never on "Exercise Class" days, then there it is.
The complaining and crying has to be ignored though. Do not be a player in that attention-seeking game because it only gets worse if you do.
As for the crying, complaining, and wailing. Ignore it. It's an attention-seeking game. Don't play this game. When there's no one willing to play the senior's games, they stop.
I did in-home caregiving for 25 years. I had all kinds of elderly and ancient clients who did the same thing. Crying, complaining, and hysterics over nothing. The reason for this attention-seeking behavior is for usually one of two reasons.
1) The person wants someone to 'baby' them like they are a child with a "boo-boo". They are not a child and should not be treated like one. If someone is so far gone with dementia that they have regressed back into being a child or a baby, they belong in a care facility. Your mother has not reached this point.
2) The person wants someone to fight with.
Don't give into either. Your mother with the help of anti-anxiety meds and they will be helpful must learn that if she wants to stay out of a care facility the performances and hysterics have to stop. You don't go running in to calm her down because that's ridiculous. That's what you do for a child. Like I said, if an adult has reached the point in their dementia where they've regressed back into being a child or a baby, they belong in care facility not at home.
Not everyone is manipulative and selfish.
Secondly, a lot of people are saying to prescribe antidepressants, and I'm sure that is an option, but just be aware that there ARE side effects of antidepressants, and often the elderly experience these more strongly than younger people. I would definitely discuss this with a hospice care/palliative care worker. It does sound like a very low dose of an anti-anxiety med would be appropriate here.
I also like the ideas of distraction, as that works well for me. My mom is pretty much bed-bound (she can get up if she needs to, but she's more comfortable in bed), and she's blind in one eye from AMD so puzzles, etc. wouldn't work in her case, but my dad will come in and read to her (they don't know how to "work" Audible) and keep her entertained sometimes. When she's alone is when she's the most anxious and she'll call me with worries.
Anyway -- I think there are a lot of good suggestions here already, just do be careful with meds as elderly people are usually a lot more sensitive to them. And please never write off anyone's pain as "psychosomatic" (as in "it's not really there"). It's really there, I promise.
The OP is not claiming that her mother's anxiety is psychosematic. No one can live 24/7 with having to calm someone else down who is constantly working themselves up into hysterics. That is not sustainable. Even in a care facility, no one has their own private staff whose only job is calming them down. That's why they're medicated. Anti-anxiety meds as needed will help.
My experience with uncontrolled anxiety was the worst thing I have ever gone through. It's as real as a broken leg.
You should get mom in to a Dr ASAP and have something prescribed to help her. She doesn't need to live out her life in free-floating fear and anxiousness.
Is anything in our responses to you helpful at all?
What about asking her to help out with some simple housework task, such as dusting? It might help take her mind off of worrying and give her a bonus feeling of accomplishment.
I'm not against meds, but getting at the root of her anxiety is important also. CBT psychology says that feelings follow thoughts. So maybe therapy with a CBT practitioner could help her with analyzing the thoughts that are making her anxious.
Edit:
I see that your mother is 99 years old. While that is quite old, how is her health in general? Many people at the senior center I go to are 95+.
Best of luck to you.
Have you talked to her doctor to see if they could give her something for her anxiety, as I'm guessing all the rest is stemming from that?
And perhaps at her age it's time to bring hospice on board as they will supply any needed equipment, supplies and medications all covered 100% under your mothers Medicare. They will also have a nurse to come once a week to start, and aides to come bathe her at least twice a week. Might be worth looking into, as they can supply any needed anxiety medications along with pain medications too.