How can I explain to my mother that I can't live with her?

I apologize I have not yet read all the replies..

All I know is I will never live with my Mother again, would not promise this & my plan if Dad gets ill is nursing home respite immisiately. Not doing long tem care, not even emergency care.

Yes - you may call me harsh! This is my self-preservation & I am 100% OK with it.

My feelings of calm stem from the thought "I will ensure she is cared for properly - by other.people".

BUT... I get it. I had the same guilt over my (disabled) sister's future care. SO stressed out. I think this stems from thinking "I have to look after her & do it all". I am slowly working on changing this thought.

What is YOUR thought? Is it "I will have to care for my Mother in my home?" "I have to do it all?" "It's my duty?"

If you thought "I will ensure my Mother is cared for." What would that feel like instead? What would that look like?

What if you were a long distance truck driver in, say, Alaska? Would you still feel she had to move in with you?

Just my rambling thoughts... none of this stuff is easy.

I think if you get to feel ok with your decision to say no, the discussion with Mum will feel more natural & honest.

Just say "no". You can't do it. You shouldn't do it. If she is annoying now how much worse would it be it you were trapped living with her. She should find a senior place to live where there are other people and activities. I live in such a place. I would never want to live with my kids. They have their own lives. There are wonderful places for seniors these days. She needs to check this out. Don't let her steal your life.

My mom and I could never live together even when we got along. We each had our own “castles,” of which we were the sole queens.

It’s noble to keep promises, but over time, a promise may become impossible to keep. If your mom is verbally abusive to you to the point that YOU are getting sick, you don’t owe it to her to make you even sicker. Be honest with her about this. I don’t see what else you can do, the way things are now.

Patchie, your parents divorced when you were three. Each of them promised ‘till death do us part’ - formally, with a whole crowd of witnesses. They didn’t keep their promises because things changed. That is the same for you, and you don’t need to feel bad about it. None of us have a crystal ball to know how things will work out in the future. Look after your own heart.

I have seen things like this over and over again. You must accept the fact that this woman is no longer who she once was. The why does not matter - what matters is what her behavior is doing to YOU and you do not deserve this. My suggestion is to start out by doing all you can to talk with her, help her, get medical help, whatever you can do. But, if you see it is progressing or is not stopping and YOU are being destroyed, then you must be strong and do what you have to do to protect yourself. If that means removing her, so be it. Let her rant and rave - you have to tell her that her behavior is causing you not to want her. You cannot allow her to do this to you. She lived her life. Now it is your turn. Do not allow this to continue - trust me.

Please do not feel guilty for not living with your mother. Your peace of mind is very important. Just continue to be involved in her care from the out side looking in.

It IS HARD to Live with a Parent that is Old and getting Older and more Ornery. Grin and Bear it, And if You are Not living with her, Just make sure you Keep an Eye on Her...

Oh *boy* Patchie.

But I thought I glimpsed a little ray of sunshine, there...

Yup! - the rest home has latched on to your mother's *pre-existing* mental health difficulties, yes? That is VERY good news.

Work with them! Together, you and they can gradually introduce the type of support and treatment that your mother has probably needed for not years but decades. It is never too late. That is not to say that there will be miracles, but it is real hope that your mother can be helped to get rid of some of the deep fear and sadness that has been so damaging to her (and to the people she cares about, but that's a whole nother kettle of fish).

Do write to your mother, but don't try to explain. Instead just reassure her that you love her and are not ever going away. Keep it that simple.

And - what are you doing to look after yourself?

Not sure if this will help but morally speaking IMO when a promise is made, should circumstances change and it would be wrong, damaging to someone to keep that promise, then the promise is released.  We are never morally bound to fulfill a promise that has become evil. And I think that in your situation trying to "fulfill a promise" would be very destructive.

Dearest Patchie: I am praying for you. Please know that the power of prayer is gerat and HE answers. Big hugs ((( ))).

It looks like a traumatic time for you both, & sorry 4 ur suffering. It could drag on & on, & be full of very sad complications. (Each of you will have to cope with your emotions & hurt feelings). If not, you cud get very ill: from uncontrolled stress. (My apologies for being blunt, but it would have helped me 'pace myself' if someone had told me this stuff). Best wishes.

OH MY GOSH I AM SO GRATEFUL TO YOU ALL ESPECIALLY to you
COUNTRY MOUSE ( MAY WE TALK ONE ON ONE AT ALL?)
Mum had cervical cancer 10 years ago i lived with her for 5 months taking her to radiation and brachitherapy treatment.
Mum has been on antidepressants for years. She has a long history of stress she cant handle situations like meeting new people. I moved from 10 minutes away to 30 minutes away when I retired. I had a mortgage and had to buy a house with no mortgage as I couldnt manage financially.
As I said Mum and I have always been like sisters as I am an only offspring my parents divorced when I was 3 Mum remarried when i was 20 and divorced when I was 28 ( he said he couldnt stand the nagging).
Mum has always been shy as I said. I have always attended to all her situations, financila tradespeople etc. Having said that she was a worker and drove her car up until she went into the rest home 6 months ago. She moved there as she wanted to be closer to me and my little dog who she loves. I told her time and time again that I have arthritis in both knees both hips the base of my spine and both shoulders and neck.
I put off a knee replacement because I needed to drive to see her.
It sounds as if I am falling apart but I look ok and take medication.
Mum doesnt understand medical things anyway.
I told her when she went to the rest home that I have no brothers and sisters so I saw the rest home as something that could help me to support her.
She is getting worse by the day crying when I see her asking me to tell her what I would have to do for her if she lives with me what about when my 14 year old grandson stays what does she need that he doesnt .
Her stress and negative attitude affect my Daughter who is 49 she is not well and has a growth in her pelvis she has had two pulminary embolisims and is bipolar I had custody of her 2 children years ago as her husband left when they were babies.
I worry about my daughter she worries about me.
She is very brave.
Mum says I lead her to believe that she would always have a home with me if it didnt work out at the rest home. I guess i did i probably said i would never leave you stuck if you dont like it and to be honest a few years ago when she had cancer (10) i probably did say i would look after her always.
Before she went into the home she chose the room at the resthome she sat in my loung when I said are you sure I will ring them and tell them that is the room you want she said yes.
When is came to packing and disposing of her furniture and things * she was renting so had limited finance) She sat in her chair and just said do what you want do what you want with all her things in tears . I thought it was normal grieving about the move now she tells me she never thought I would make her do it she says I made her give up her beautiful life and all she had.
She would agree that she was crying in her chair every time myself or my daughter visited her saying i dont want to be here I am lonely I miss my Mother and my sister ( both passed away years ago)
She wasnt eating properly and left her window unlocked at night on 2 occassions that I know.
There is some confussion re dementia.
Yestaerday I met with the resthome thay said there was a mix up they thought she was diagnosed before going into the rest home as having dementia now it seems when they go back through her files that she had anxiety and depression for years, The Moka test they didi when she went into the rest home was 10 out of 30 but now I am told this could have been affected by other things.
So the bottom line is she has short term memory loss probably has VERY early stage age related dementa.
I need to write a one page letter and give it to her, talk it through with her and leave it with her to refer to when she forgets the conversation which she will .
I am so grateful to all of you for your support any ideas for the short clear none offending letter in simple terms will be much appreciated.

I don't know your history, except for what Countrymouse was kind enough to post, and I haven't read the other comments, so forgive me if I'm saying something redundant here. I personally think the best thing you can tell your mother is that you are not qualified to take care of her any longer. Not Qualified. Not 'not interested' and not 'not wanting to' and not 'too stressed out or anxious' but UNQUALIFIED to provide her with the proper level of care that she now requires to stay safe and healthy. The SNF is staffed 24/7 with shifts of qualified caregivers who are all specially trained and highly qualified to care for you, mother, and having you in such an environment helps me to sleep better at night knowing you are being properly looked after. You can continue being the daughter vs. the caregiver, and in doing so, maintain your sense of well-being without anxiety driving you to do God-knows-what. I could never, ever, not in 1 million years, take care of my mother in my home, nor would I want to. Her anxiety is SO over the top that I would be the one to wind up in a nursing home, or dead, if we were forced to live together under the same roof. It is what it is, right?
Promises are made in good times; when bad times hit, promises need to be broken for the sake of all involved. Again, you only have HER best interest in mind and heart, which is why she's living where she is.

It's not easy, and anyone who tells you differently is lying. But stick to the same lines with your mother, repeat them over & over again, and do NOT change the words. You will both come to believe them soon.

Best of luck.

Just to clarify: Patchie's mother is 89 and has been resident in a Nursing Home for six months. Until three years ago, since Patchie's early childhood she and her mother had always lived very close to each other and been heavily involved in one another's lives.

When you have been that tightly enmeshed with someone you love, separating is extremely painful for both parties. I don't, of course, disagree that Patchie needs to develop new perspectives and new boundaries but let's not pretend she's going to find it easy, and let's not assume that her mother is blameworthy.

You don’t say how old she is? Is she capable of living alone or needs assistant living or a nursing home. I’m so glad my mother was never a clingy mother even in her 80’s. I would never want to live with my mother even though she wasn’t demanding like many are. Some don’t care how much they drag you down and will destroy you to get what they want. If your mother still gets around, I would talk to her about assistant living for she can do things. My mother would go to senior citizens twice a week where they had lunch and played cards. The center bus picked her up. They would go on day trips too. Don’t let your mother guilt you, life is short and soon you will be your mother’s age and will have all those years spent in misery.

Patchie,

I'm sorry you're going through this time of stress. It's truly hard and heartbreaking. Dementia removes the ability to converse with a loved one in the rational manner we were used to. In my case, my father was a very smart man, an officer in the Air Force, a problem solver and a planner. It was always hard to remember that those attributes were no longer available to me- He could not help me, help him. I'd lost my confidant, the one who I would have consulted regularly.
Anyway, my point is - we can't "fix" folks with dementia - "explain" the situation to folks with dementia. We have to do what you so smartly have done. We have to consult others who understand, like folks on this forum. But, most importantly, we have to work on ourselves. We study the literature, listen to the experiences of others, possibly seek out the help of doctors/therapists, etc., reflect on who we love and why we love them, and alter our own actions and words to reflect new understandings every day, so that we are aware and satisfied with ourselves and the improvements we make in our lives. That is ongoing and hard work, but it's the only thing we can control and always contributes to a peaceful way of life.

My best to you and your family.

Don’t let her quilt trip you, you need to do what is best for you. Make a decision and act quickly your health is important in her care.
She will try to put the blame on you, she can only do that if you let her.
Are there other family members who can help?

Does she want you to move in with her, or is she thinking about moving in with you? Do you have a family? I would just tell her the real reason and see if it is something that can be fixed. I am going to move in with my daughter. She is critical of me in many ways. She says I am critical. She told me her husband has taken up gambling. I'm a conservative person, so said "if it's just entertainment that's ok, but gambling can get to be an obsession". She thinks I am accusing my son-in-law of having a weak nature and picking up the gambling fever. I never said that. I like her husband. How can I talk about things without seeming critical? I have opinions. I am a retired computer programmer, we constantly think of solving problems even into the small details. We haven't spoken more than 5 words in a week. I am not angry at her, just don't know what to say that doesn't include an opinion. She told me once that she accepts the fact that we will reach an inpass, have an argument, yell, then it will pass (I never yell). But I don't want to live like that. I want to get along. How can I make her my friend? You need to ask yourself why she stresses you out. Perhaps she is still your mother and you are still her child, but she wants you to be her friend instead. Just a thought.

I hate to push drugs, but maybe some kind of anti anxiety drug would help? For the both of you. Has she always been this way?

I have a similar situation in that my moms stress and anxiety are (in the words of health professionals) off the charts, or through the roof. She will not take her anxiety meds prescribed.

I do not live with my mom but have to TRY to limit the time I spend at her house helping her out. Not just a matter of time but I cannot take her stress. When eventually I feel I have to tell her it is not the time, not the chores, but her stress I cannot take she feels brutally rejected.

I have found, in my case anyway, with people like that (high anxiety, et al) there really is no way to say it which will not upset them.

Sure you do because if you didn't, you wouldn't care and you wouldn't be trying to help her.  Just say that and keep backing it up every time she says you don't.  Unless you plan to never go see her in the facility,  go regularly, and she will understand, eventually.  Takes the skin of a rhino to do it.

If she's having stress then she might feel better on an anti-anxiety med that the doctor can review with you. Sometimes it takes trial & error before you find the right prescription and dose. Then your care for her will be more pleasant & you'll both feel better. Good luck!

This is so difficult, but I think she will eventually accept that she must have the kind of care she gets in the facility if it can be made clear that you will not take her home. You might have to repeat it many times because she will forget. In the meantime just try to change the subject when she starts in on the poor me act. It's manipulative and it has probably worked well in the past. Not that she is intentionally doing it. She doesn't realize it at all. I usually tried to agree with my mom on all the horribleness of life, then quickly changed the subject. If she wouldn't turn the corner with me to a brighter space, I'd say I had a million things to do, but would be back later to see how she's doing. She's in assisted living now and is very happy there.

As for your feelings about this situation, it's tearing your heart out to have your mom in this state of mind and hear the very untrue accusation that you don't want her. Center yourself, meditate, whatever helps you stay strong in the presence of her. Then cry or whatever is needed for release when you get home. The relationship with your mom has changed and it must be this way and it causes emotional upset for both of you. I just does. Change is hard.

I’ve read a lot of answers that stated “you don’t owe her that”. Be that as it may, I’m speaking for myself, I owe it to myself on how I treat my aging mother. Yes, it is very difficult and quite challenging. I had to change my mind-set. Instead of looking at her as a burden, I see it as a privilege to be with her in her old years. I lost my father when I was young. Difficult as it is, I figured out a way to cope. Mom too is having difficulties accepting the truth about aging. That’s her issue not mine. I have to be mindful of my limits and practice self care at all times.

She is experiencing stress and fears abandonment. Her stress is triggering anxiety in you. Hard to deal with. Start with yourself first.

1 - Is it only mom's stress that causes you anxiety or other situations as well? If you have other triggers, see a doctor to care for your anxiety symptoms.

2 - Mom's stress needs to be dealt with separately from yours. Does she have dementia starting or progressing? Has she always been stress-filled? If yes to either, take her to a doctor for anti-anxiety agents.

3 - Does her stress make it intolerable to visit her for long periods or care for her fulltime? Consider Adult Day Programs, in-home aides, assisted living, help from friends, family, community of faith...

4 - Finds ways to reassure mom of your support and love in ways that don't stress you out. Flowers, weekly outings, phone calls, letters...

Such wonderful, kind advice from everyone. Love you all.

Patchie,
my mother is extremely anxious and I had her live with me when she had various health issues for a total of 6 months. It nearly broke me. The demands and need for me to take care of her and be her entire support system and social outlet. I lost all joy. Following a rehab stint, i didn’t bring her back, And placed her in assisted living by telling her it was respite and the next phase in her recovery. She was miserable there for almost 3 months, and eventually she accepted it and is quite content now. You’ve done the right thing. Keep her safe and change your role back to just being her daughter. I see my mother all the time. I pop in and out to bring her a treat or just have a conversation, but keep the visits short. And every Sunday I taker her to lunch and have a longer leisurely visit. She’s adjusted. All the best to you. I know it’s a hard road.

patchie, so glad you added the extra info in a reply! Great input in the previous answers. I am and only, with a mother who also doesn’t really connect to others, and acts like I’m her human lifeline. I think I went into this phase with more distance in place than you have now, she’s always put too much emotional burden with me and ~15 years ago I went to counseling and started making the changes *I* needed vs. just managing myself around what she needed.
Please, if you don’t have one, find a counselor through your insurance. We’re never too old to relearn and redraw appropriate boundaries with our parents! You’re involved and supportive of her - as a separate human being, not as a sustaining force. I’m just so proud of you for getting her in the kind of place she needs to be.
Consider the value of getting a counselor/coach now, and do the work. You’re worth it, and she’ll react in new ways to your new language and actions. A book or a forum can get you X far but you’ll go even faster with human support.
I SO understand what you’ve been dealing with all these years. We are not a tool for someone else. You are not actually capable of fixing this for her, nor were you able to fix anything in all the past years. So both sides end up broken hearted. Get out of that dance. ((Hugs))

I take care of my mother but she still lives independently. She has an anxiety disorder and has always been negative. I worry that one day she still want to live with me, and I could not take it. As another poster mentioned, she presents another side to others. I have thought about what I would say. So far, I think I would say "I will always do that I think is best for you". I know that I could not be a good caregiver if I am overcome with depression and anxiety, and I struggle with that now. It would be constant if she lived with me. I cannot tell her that.

Oh how many times have I wished my dad would stop asking why did I "put him in here". (LTC] No explanation made sense to him because he could only see the psychic pain he was in and that I must be the reason. So no explanation did any good. When you come at this from the realization that your answer will never be enough nor make sense to her, then you can breathe and just accept it as part of dementia. Is it easy? No. But they have a need to be heard, and so my answer would be something along the lines of "you can no longer walk" and I’m so sorry it turned out this way. Again I would validate with "I know dad. I’m sorry you broke your leg. I wished it hadn’t happened" and then you quickly divert with a different topic. Don’t sit there and let her go on and ruminate with you continuing to get her to understand... because she won’t. Divert and move the conversation elsewhere. Get involved in an activity, having tea and cookie, wheeling her out and about etc. keep visits short.