My 96 year old MIL is living with my husband and I after being hospitalized for COVID. Her needs are 24/7 care. Hospice approached us, we did not ask for her to be placed in hospice at home care but they came in for two months once a week to check vitals and once a week for bathing help. She was discharged from hospice this week because she has plateaued. She can, once again, walk and go to the bathroom on her own but she is unable or unwilling to change her briefs throughout the day so I change her (she needs it) each time she uses the toilet. I make her three meals a day. I take her for ice cream and sundaes to get her out for a treat. She told her son, whom she lived with before, that we don't give her much. Meaning food. I quit my job to nurse her from totally bedridden to walking on her own and feeding herself. She is bathed 3 times a week. Her ears and nails were layered in feces and wax which took a month or more to get the ears cleared. She is combative with my husband and me. She insists my husband is her dead brother Bill (dementia, I know) but she recognizes her younger son for who he is so he does not see how far gone she is. When she lived at his house she was alone 5 days a week because he works out of town and comes home Friday night till Sunday night. She sat in her wet briefs all day and soaked the furniture. He lights candles to cover the odor. My husband fully helps me with all her care and gets up several times a night when she calls and then has to work in the morning. I believe she would be better off in a nursing home but her younger son says no. So, if I don't keep her he may take her back and charge my husband for her home care as he did before. But, the person came twice a week for 4 hours did not bathe her properly if at all. She must have done some laundry but I think that's it. We do not take money from him. He gets her check and savings. We don't care, keep it but geez. I need a life. She has delusions. but then seems lucid some days. She is aware of her own boredom. She can not see enough to read, do puzzles, or even dust. She can fold some laundry and folds napkins at the table but all she wants to do is watch the same episode of I Love Lucy over and over. I think a community meal and activities at the nursing home would help her and stimulate her mentally. When we go to picnics, etc. she puts on aires as if she is completely aware of social standards and insists in a demanding way to see the hostess to thank them. She is a Jekle and Hyde. I am rambling on here but can you relate? How to I approach the younger son that it is time for a home? Side note, I came down with COVID because she was still contagious when she came. She pulled her IVs out and refused to stay in hospital so, younger son took her home to bed where she was found naked with feces up to her neck during a snow storm. So, my husband did not bring her home. Thats when I went in and carried her out I told my husband to meet me there or ill do it alone. A month after coming to live with us I had heart surgery. I am 61. My husband has had a quad bypass and 3 stents. He is still working full time at 66, playing catch up for the financial strains of no insurance etc.
She is too far gone for you and your husband to take care of her like this. You quit your job… how will you be able to save and be ready for your own old age?!
Would it be polite to suggest a shovel to the head to knock some sense into him?
Denial that thick would cross the line to incompetent, no?
I am guessing the need for convincing the younger son is due to MIL bring unable to make her own decisions & he is nominated POA?
1stly: Family Meeting. Sit him down with a report from Doctor, Hospice or Needs Assessment & discuss. Explain what is needed to ensure *best care* for his Mother.
2ndly: Family Meeting #2, this time with a third party mediator (Family Social Worker or Needs Ax Rep). 3rdly: Family Meeting #3 to inform legal action will be starting to ensure MIL gets the care she needs. That the family will not stand by & watch MIL be treated with neglect.
(A more legal version than the shovel).
AND , how is it brother has this :
“We do not take money from him. He gets her check and savings”
that does not bough well for Medicaid qualifications. Does mother own a home? OP , you are not protecting the mother by allowing this to go on…
It is not your husband's responsibility to pay his brother for Mom's home care, where in the world did that come from?
Time to place her in a home, all of you are way in over your heads, and honestly IMO none of you are thinking clearly.
Good Luck!
If the younger son is NOT her PoA then you are under no obligation to get his buy-in regarding where she goes next because it is obvious he didn't make good decisions for her when he was "in charge".
Unfortunately she seems too incapacitated to now create a PoA. Your options are to talk to her doctor to try meds for her combativeness and anxiety. You should also ask her doctor if she is a candidate for LTC, since in most states, this is the only facility care that Medicaid will pay for. You will not be able to afford to pay the monthly facility fee. If she owns her house, then sell it for her and use those funds to finance her facility care. Make sure she goes into one that accepts Medicaid (even if she doesn't now need LTC).
Maybe you can contact a social worker to see about emergency guardianship, as having this will prevent her from acting out her own dementia-based decisions AND keep the younger brother from interferring with care plans and sale of house. I wish you much success in finding a solution that works. Make sure you have thought about your OWN finances and care plans as well!
protect your hearts. Protect your own pocketbook, too.
If she ends up back in the hospital, refuse to take her back. If brother comes for her and leaves her alone, thats abuse and should be reported to APS.
For now, get her a full physical exam and see a Neurologist. This way you have reports backing you up that she needs 24/7 care that you are no longer willing to give. Brother is probably trying to save his inheritance. You also will have the reports if APS is needed.
As far as convincing anyone of anyTHING I think that is seldom accomplished in this life.
You should not be spending funds you clearly need for your own future on your MIL Your MIL funds go to her care, as does her SS, and medicaid is the final option. You need your money for your own (perhaps nearer than you would like) own care.
So as you so clearly tell it, this whole thing is a mess.
It is now the choice of whomever is Guardian. That should be you.
This is the time you and your husband have for yourselves. A window of some 15 to 20 years where you can enjoy time together, whether traveling, cruise, gardening, walking or whatever. Throwing this time on the altar of final care for his Mom, who has had her life already, is to my mind a mistake.
But the decision is in your hands.
I am so sorry. This sounds utterly awful. To be frank I cannot even begin to imagine it and my heart goes out to you. I wish you the best and hope you'll update us.
Please do not include "other son" in your planning. You now need 1. hospitalization 2. diagnosis 3. guardianship 4. placement.