I have complained about my mother several times on this forum so here I go again. She's now 78 and I'm 61. My husband and I try to help her as much as possible but he is already mowing several acres (along with the usual stuff here) and readying his recently deceased parents house to sell while working full-time. I'm retired but my mother does not realize that I'm getting old too. She's constantly asking me to fix things or do outside work in the heat or wanting my husband to do more. This morning, she asked me to remove mold from a large garage door and I told her she needs to hire someone. A neighbor does handyman type work but she raised her voice and said "family used to help family!" My husband had just been there Saturday to remove mold from a second house she owns and she didn't even thank him. I told her it's not about money but about lack of time. How should I respond to her and how can I solve the problem? I'm terrible at pushing back.
It's sad to me that your mother wants to pressure you and your husband into taking on this responsibility. Mold remediation is harmful to his health! I hope he has access to the proper equipment. I suppose she justifies it by thinking you will inherit it when she dies (if you can last that long). If this is too taxing for you or you just don't want to do it, you'll have to be honest with her and refuse. You can offer to find and hire the workers if you are willing to do that. She will be mad about it. Nobody is guaranteed that everything will go their way in life. You don't owe her a lifetime of servitude just because she's your mother.
"NO." is a complete sentence.
Tell mom that family is helping family. You are helping out as much as you can but your time and your health do not allow you to do all that you used to be able to do.
I have to ask are you charging her for the work that you and your husband do on the second house she owns? (I am assuming that is probably a rental property. If so you should be paid to do any work there)
If mom can not afford to maintain 2 properties then one should be sold to help provide monies to maintain the one she lives in.
If that is getting to be more than you and your husband can manage then she should hire someone OR she should be looking to sell and move to a place where maintenance is not an issue. this could be an apartment or a condo she purchases or an Independent or Assisted Living facility.
How you solve the "problem" is BOUNDARIES
Set boundaries as to what you can do, what you will do, what you won't do.
Set boundaries as to how often you will come and help her. If it is 1 or 2 weekends a month stick to that.
You will have to push back.
It will not be easy ...at first
What would she do if you or your husband went off for a few weeks? Or if one of you were ill or injured and neither could help her for a month or so?
My daughter 48 has a 32 year old son. They tease each other that they will be together in the same NH.
What's not to like? Transportation anywhere in their comfortable cars, with help getting in and out. Medical care onsite. Trained aides who start the day with a cheery "Good morning, Miss Helaine! I'll walk down to The Bistro with you and we'll get your coffee." Activities such as everyone going to get ice cream together in town. Bingo. Rummikub. Guest pianists in the lobby during the cocktail hour. Religious services on the premises. Dinner from a menu in the dining room, or they bring it to your apartment. The joy of removing mold from a garage door pales in comparison to the wonders of a modern day "home." We all should be so lucky.
If helping them helps ourselves, better yet!
Let phone calls roll to voice mail. Respond to voice mail and texts on your timetable...not immediately.
If she starts assigning projects tell her you and your husband are working on settling his parents estate.
If it is something critical to get done tell her she will need to pay someone.
Tell her "We can't do that." Don't elaborate.
Lander, that's only people like your mom who do that. Why? Because they have people to do those things for them. If she didn't have them (meaning you and husband), she wouldn't have time to sit around, period. She'd be looking up how to remove mold, buying supplies, figuring out if she should start the job before 9:00 a.m. because it's cooler then, whether she should HIRE someone to help her, and so on. Her mind and her brain would be staying active with problem solving because they are being exercised, and this is to her good. Her body would remain strong and capable of doing tasks of all sorts. There's nothing like planning and completing a hard job to make someone proud of themselves and eager to move on to the next project.
I wish you luck with her, but nothing will change until you make changes, thus forcing mom to take care of things herself.
She was 17 when you were born. Did “family helps family” help her then? Perhaps a kick up the jacksi would have been more appropriate.
"I don't dare mention assisted-living again. She ran and told my entire extended family that I was putting her in "a home." She has two homes to maintain so a total of 2+ acres with two large barns and other buildings. We just can't keep up and the attorney said I'm well within my rights to remove money from the trust to pay for it but again, she'd have a heart attack if I did that"
First, stop telling her anything. Just do what you need to do.
Second, stop over-dramatizing and horrible-izing her possible reactions. Remember: you are operating in her *best interests*. Caregiving happens on the caregiver's terms or else you are guaranteed to burn out. If that happens then you allowed it. The only way for the properties to be properly maintained is for the trustee to decide to pay for professional maintenance. Period.
Don't bring it up, don't respond to unreasonable requests, don't respond to irrational, illogical and disrespectful responses. Literally change the subject completely to something neutral, distract her by pointing at something and asking a random question about it, or silently and emotionlessly walk away.
There are no magic solutions here... it all has to come from within yourself.
You aren't "pushing back", you are managing her life and affairs. People with cognitive impairment become less and less able to make even small decisions that seem obvious to a normal person.
When I first started exercising my FPoA (durable) on my very independent Mom's behalf, she went straight into paranoia and accused me of trying to rob her and then putting her in a home. I calmly reminded her that she voluntarily assigned me, her only child who lives next door to her and has successfully run a business for 43 years. If it isn't me, then who would she get? She couldn't respond to it.
After that she demanded I print out the bank statements (because I didn't everything digitally). I did. She poured over them put couldn't really understand what she was seeing, which fueled her paranoia. Then she eventually stopped asking for the statements and I never bring it up. She never askes to see her cc statements, either.
So, you may go through a turbulent period as you change over to managing things for her. Just expect it and move through it but don't let it stop you. Don't give any emotional or mental energy to justifying what you're doing since she set it up this way to being with.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you manage her affairs with confidence.
Check out the website Outofthefog.website and learn all about FOG....Fear Obligation and Guilt that mother is using on you and to free yourself of those tactics and stand up for yourself. You've been groomed to do her bidding from a very young age as an only child (I was too) and now is the time to free yourself.
Best of luck to you.
Family does help family but everyone reaches their limit.
Caring for my parents was hard enough but then there were the house crises because the place was old and not really maintained properly as they entered their 90s. We did what we could but things went wrong at the worst possible times. I grew to be very resentful because I was in my 60s and my husband and I sold our house and bought a condo so we didn’t have to deal with home ownership and here I was still dealing with a house.
When you tell her "no", you do not need an excuse. Simply let her know that your husband is unavailable, because he is focusing on other things which are important to him. I'm not sure why you don't have the time or don't want to help her, but it is your choice. You do not owe her your time to do chores for her.
Ignore her complaints and outbursts. She is just trying to manipulate to get her way, because she knows that you are weak and won't push back. Start saying no. Be consistent. Suggest a handyman for the job and walk away from her or hang up the phone. You do not owe more explanation.
A counter to her "family used to help family" could be "God helps those who help themselves." Or just remain silent and walk out. You don't have to cater to a senior brat, and you do have the right to back off and not be so available. If you weren't there, she'd either do it herself or find someone else to do it. Plus there's always the alternative that she goes to a lovely independent or assisted living apartment where she has other people to yell at.
When mom asks you or your husband to do something and you don't want to or don't have time to, you simply reply that you're not able to do it, and if she'd like you'll help her find someone that can.
And if she starts to complain or try and make you feel guilty, you just walk away, hang up the phone and get on with living and enjoying this one life you've been given.
I'm guessing that your mom didn't do much for her aging parents, so how interesting that's she's trying to guilt you into her care.
You just have to put your big girl panties on now and let mom know how things will be going forward despite what she may say or do, and that includes learning how to say and use the most powerful word there is...NO.
Try it you'll like it....I promise.