How do you go on when you can't see the end?

Countrymouse: Thank you for your kind post. It is always my goal to help people.

I speak from experience. Life is heartbreaking at times and horrible things happen. They are often things that we never dreamed of could happen (I speak from personal experience). They will never be the same again and we now have two choices. We can continue as we were in the past but things will get worse and eventually it will destroy us. Or, sad as it may be, we face the facts that now exist and we plan and think how to overcome the problems. Then we choose the wisest option and WE GO FOR IT AND WE DO NOT GIVE UP. We keep going and make it our life's determination to go on to a better future. If that means making major and drastic changes now to change what is going on, then so be it. Chances are they can't be worse than where you find yourself now. I lost my ability to walk due to an old spinal injury and lost everything in my life that mattered. I nearly died and it is a miracle I am here. But I made up my mind, I can't walk - but I find ways using a walker or leaning on a wheelchair, and thank god I can still safely drive. I set myself huge goals and do everything I can to achieve them - and I DO succeed. I will be 86 and do the impossible for my age and situation because of sheer will power and determination. I just finished six years of on-line college courses and have one more year of computer school. I hold two jobs I love (l4 years and 50 years). I look after all of my affairs l00%. There are many hobbies and interests I have and I go out to eat by myself all the time. Was it easy? Hell, no. But I had a choice - burn out and be destroyed or dust myself off and achieve the impossible. You are at that point now. Your first loyalty has to be to YOU and to your husband, and I hope you get another dog who needs a home to love. Consider placing your mother into a good facility and start living the life you have left. Do it now.

Main thing is to realize and convince yourself that:
"this too will pass".

Best wishes, hang in there and get help if depression
gets the best of you.

A person gets through ONLY with the help of God, our Lord and Saviour. Many prayers to you. You will get through this.

cruxx1 - it's never easy... have lost many over the years to various illnesses, some rather young and it is still hard when they have to go. Although I've been preparing for a long time to lose Katie, knowing it is just a matter of time, it is going to be tough still. She was and still is very attached to me. My only hope is that she can go quietly in her sleep... Her predecessor was the oldest I had (16) to that point, so making it to 20+ is quite the feat! I still miss Mr Chester greeting me at the door, banging on the inside door with a bell to let him through, waiting patiently for his food, letting the "girls" snuggle up with him (one was overly attached to him and spent 2 weeks parked on a chair - had to bring food dishes to her to make sure she would eat!)

Do let us know how it is going and what you decide to do for your mother. We are not spring chickens ourselves anymore and your husband not only wants his life back, he deserves it. This is the age when we have hopes and dreams of retirement and doing all those things we planned for once working time was done! The stress of caring for someone who is not going to get better, but rather worse, will impact everyone in the household.

In order for his treatments to work best, it would be good to have a nice, calm, quiet household. Get enjoyment out of life now while you still can! It won't be that you are giving up on your mother, just giving up all the backbreaking work and reducing the chaos this can bring into your home. You can still spend time with her, help her, advocate for her and be her friend/daughter again!

Hoping all the best for you and whatever you decide to do. Hugs to new puppy when s/he arrives!

Faith Hope and Charity and loved ones children friends relatives neighbors, church people....helping you BUT YOU MAY HAVE TO LET PEOPLE KNOW WHAT HELP YOU NEED! Dr Grenan

That is a great question. I honestly do not know. Some mornings You get up out of bed, shower and wash and all the normal stuff and You feel wrecked tired. It's feels like You are on the ropes after receiving a knock out punch. While this is definitely the toughest task We have ever taken on.We keep going because of Our love for those Who We are Caring for and they depend completely on Us, so We have got to dig deep and push Ourselves almost beyond the point of Our endurance. I often Prayed to the Lord in my own simple words, dear Lord please grant me the strength and the Blessings of great health to remain Caring for Mom. I am so thankful that I was able to care for my Mother from the beginning to the end. Blessings to All You wonderful Care givers out there.

One prayer at a time.
One day at a time. 🌸

It was at this exact point that I had to put my Mom in MC because trying to take care of her and my husband was going to kill me! Fortunately, my brother stepped up and found a place close to him so he could check in on her once or twice a week. I still called her several times a week so she didn't feel like I had forgotten her. Yes, I had to deal with the guilt, even though I knew I couldn't give Mom the care she needed. I just think everyone has their own breaking point and no one can tell you when or what that will be. As for dealing with burn out, I'm still trying to figure that one out! I can't leave my husband alone so I try to find things at home that are only for me........reading, quilting, listening to music that I like, etc. It's not great but it's something. Best of luck to you

CRUXX1 ; I am understanding of you so very much God Bless !! This is a horrid situation ESPECIALLY ,LOSEING YOUR POOR DOG,( out pets are like our children) AND THEN YOUR HUSBAND WITH CANCER DIAGNOSIS YOU POOR WOMAN!! I am taking care of alzheimers AUNTIE and often wonder why everything she needs is more important than any family member of mine...all her life she never talked to us she was a narcissist, hoarder ,and very cruel to my father ( her brother)she calls me names kicks me punches me ( it doesn't hurt) but its wearing and i get BURNT OUT!! MY WHOLE FAMILY GETS BURNED OUT!! I REALLY HAVE NO ANSWERS EXCEPT TO LOOK INTO nursing home or assisted liveing for MOM !!God knows you put your life on hold for her (mom) long enough its time to give yourself and your husband a break your poor husband NEEDS HIS WIFE this is his time....do Not feel guilty about your mom she will not even remember you soon enough !!not to sound cruel....but now you need to spend all the time with your husband he needs you to be able to support his treatment and being burnt out is not good ..TAKE CARE OF YOU 1ST you are the only 1 who can take care of you !! Before you take care of anyone else take care of your own needs have your coffee ,shower,water the plants whatever it may be take care of what you need 1st ,!!this has helped me immensely !! It won't hurt mom to sit around while you get yourself together for the day even if its just a quiet place to escape DO THIS FOR YOU !!1ST GOD BLESS YOU !! and I will keep you in my prayers hugs to you!!

I know how you feel. I take care of my 83 year old Mom. She has bipolar disorder and dementia. I to have been doing it for 2 1/2 years. Caregiver burnout is real. You need to take time for yourself. Ask for help from family or friends so you can get time to yourself. We have a second vice through our insurance that provides temporary caregivers. Mom has been very difficult lately because I want to take a vacation with my family. It’s tough but we’re going.

From Countrymouse's response, it sounds like you were previously resistant to finding a place for mom. That's perfectly understandable/acceptable, but the situation has changed. Mom seems to have handled the Adult Day Care well, so she will likely be okay in a facility as well. Despite what some think, facilities are not a death sentence! They are not all created equal - this applies to care given, cost, etc, so do check out several and take notes. Bring questions when you have your "visits." We moved our mother from her own condo to MC, and other than slowly moving backwards in time (due to dementia, NOT the facility), she does okay. She was mostly able to self-care, but needed a safe place and better food (resorted to frozen dinners and boxed crap), oversight for meds (we tried timed dispenser with aides to check - not long after she refused to let them in.) It has been 3.5 years, she's still going, will be 96 very soon!

I also highly recommend finding a place for her. It will allow you to resume your daughter role to her, free up a lot of your time, give you some breathing space AND remove any stress from your home which will help your husband too. Use some of that free time to take short or long trips (if he likes to travel) to resume your own loving relationship and relax!

It sounds like you have a new pup coming to brighten your life a bit! S/he won't replace the one who passed, but can fill another spot in your heart! It goes without saying the loss of a beloved dog or cat (or any animal/person one loves) is devastating. It's worse when you don't have time to grieve. I lost a 15yo kitty last year. It was sudden onset, he wasn't responding to any treatment. To avoid him suffering I had to let him go. I was preparing myself for the eventual loss of my 20+yo kitty, who has been with me since May 1999! She's had a rough few years (Dx CKD years ago, slow progression, hyperthyroid, treated at age 18, and last April found lung spots, which we can't do surgery on or even biopsy due to location and age.) For him it was literally one night fine, the next I could see he had something wrong and within 2 days, gone. The loss of ANY hurts a lot, so we have to console ourselves, remember the fun good times, know that we gave them the best we could and that they were loved and happy!

"I have one family member telling me that I have seen Mom along this far and it would be a shame to place her now ..." Okay fine, did that family member offer to HELP in any way, in particular take over care of your mom??? Not likely. Do NOT let people like this guilt trip you. You gave your mom what you could, but to try to balance her needs with your husband's isn't realistic. The stress level on you will increase, your husband needs/wants a positive environment to allow him to work through his treatment and you won't be able to do all of that - dementia will only get worse and potentially hubby's needs will get worse during treatment - we are only human and can only manage so much. If BOTH need your immediate attention, who will get it? Ignore people like that and do what is best for ALL of you.

Falls - I hear concern in your post about falls. You indicate that "she falls about once a month in spite of anything I do to prevent it.", so this should NOT be a barrier to finding a care facility for her. They will fall no matter WHERE they live and you can't take on guilt for that! Our mother had recent falls, but they would've happened no matter where she lived or who was caring for her. This was one of the reasons I knew I could not care for her - bad lower spine, she outweighs me, etc. Please do check out multiple places and find a nice place for your mom. If she has assets to pay for it, even better. If not, Medicaid can help if she qualifies. It will be a good thing (ignore those who think otherwise - unless they are willing to provide help to you EVERY day, tell them it is NONYA, aka none of your business!)

condolences on your Dog.

Candace A.Stewart has a great pamphlet called “welcome to planet Alzheimer’s”

Great info packed into a few pages.

Here's 10 rules while on planet Alzheimers. 

1. Never argue
2. Logic and Reason do not exist
3. Lying is acceptable 
4. You are not who you think you are, you are who they think you are 
5. Never take anything personal
6. Old memories are best
7. Learning to do something new is not important 
8. Being loved and accepted at all times is
9. Have NO expectations 
10. Take advantage of the shuttle back to earth as often as possible.

The road to come is an absurd place. 

Take care of yourselves. Do something you enjoy.

Mcollum 1 offered prayers and another person says don't impose your beliefs on others. I'm not sure who said that but McCollum I'm sure isn't trying to impose their beliefs on anyone and neither should anyone. I don't know what cruxx believes but I'll pray for her too as I pray for all of us as caregivers. It is very hard and we are leading a very stressful existence, one that I don't care to blame God for. God didn't say if you believe nothing bad would happen but he tells us he's there for us. He is I believe but sometimes we have left him and not Him who has left. I appreciate everyones opinions and prayers and in the USA and on this site, we all should have freedom to express our belief and our opinions. You have your right to believe as you choose as do we all. I don't claim to understand why these things have happened but I depend on God to help me through and I'm sorry you feel as you do, but I respect your opinion.

To cruxx, you said you take it one day at a time and do the best you can for everyone, thats about all we can do. I can't tell you what you should do right now for your mother. I don't know your mother and I dont know your financial position. Nursing home or Memory Care might be what you need if that is an option for you at this time. Your husband will need you as never before and I'm sure you need some help whether in home or not.

I've been caring for my husband over 5 years and my mother before that, both with Alzheimers. My mom had Medicaid and when she got really bad she went to a nursing home. I hated she had to be there but financially she could be. My sister and I did what we could for her and I'm still doing what I can for my husband. I've looked into nursing homes and tried to get Medicaid but for now that's not an option nor is private pay. It's very hard and I just pray something will open up that will provide before I'm unable to do it any longer. I'm like you and your husband. I want a life too! If you do have an option, it might be good for your mother and there's other options through the Area on Aging in your area, Social Services, Day Cares, etc. If your husband is a Veteran, maybe that is an option for you. Care giving and exploring your options are all a lot to deal with and I pray you will find the answer right for you and your family.

This is the worst possible time you are going through dear. Time to focus on your husband and you. Mom will have to concede to getting care elsewhere even if she doesn't understand. With dementia, it is so difficult to reason with the person. It just adds to the frustration. A simple explanation like " you need more care than I can give you now".

I think you have the answers. Your husband is sick and now he needs you...and has already told you he wants his life back... You also need your life back. Mom needs to go into AL where they can care for her properly. You are doing the best you can but you know you are already at burnout.. You are a good daughter, but you can’t help anyone if you get sick. I wish you luck and many hugs.

Your priority is your family. Your Husband, yourself and your children if any.
Tell your family that you can no longer care for Mom. You are going to look for a Memory Care Facility where she will be safe and cared for. Pick a date for her move in to her new home.
If anyone else wants to step up great. Then tell them they will have to abide by the same date to get things arranged in their house and you will help pack up Mom's stuff. If they are not ready by your "move date" place Mom in Respite for the duration.
You have enough to worry about without having to go back and forth on a schedule of moving Mom.

If you can..can you and your Hubby get away for a long weekend after Mom moves out? Just to reconnect, get a breath before this next wave hits you?

(By the way..Is your Husband a Veteran? If so depending on where and when he served a Cancer diagnosis might be considered a "Service Connected Disability" and the VA can help you both a LOT. Might be worth checking into if this applies)

There is so much more to say, but I will just say that countless wise people through millenia, including the writers of Scripture, have said your role now is to prioritize your husband. From experience I will also say YOU must take care of YOU or there will be no one to care for anyone. I wish you all the best. You are to be greatly commended for rising to the occasion, as so few do.

I read your response to Country Mouse and to quote "I have one family member telling me that I have seen Mom along this far and it would be a shame to place her now"...I have to say how dare she lay that guilt on you! Until that person has walked a mile in your shoes they don’t know what they’re saying. Instead the thoughtful person would have said you’ve seen your mom this far, but now is the time to see your husband through this cancer diagnosis. Mom will be well cared for by experienced staff where you can visit and be her daughter not hands on caregiver. Your role as wife is to be your husband's support system. He’s already been up front with you on what he needs and it is important to listen. You are not abandoning her but are letting her go as this disease takes over her mind and body. All these events and stresses are a huge load to endure. Be mindful and let mom go to memory care. Or perhaps this "helpful relative" can take over (sorry but advice like her's is ridiculous!). Your marriage and health is the priority.

I'd like to say a word about my great aunt Ida. Lived with her daughter's family - her daughter insisted, until one day in her 80's she arranged to look at facilities.  Well, guess what, she found the life there much more congenial, friends, social activities, hobbies, etc. So, she had son-in-law work with her and it turned out she could afford a nice assisted living. She loved it! She told her daughter that she appreciated her daughter's efforts but was getting bored at her home.  Same old, same old. She lived to be 103.

Life sure does have a way of packin’ it on, doesn’t it?

Really, when you love people, relatives, spouses, whomever, there’s no “more important” or “less important”. I have found some degree of comfort and slightly less guilt by attempting to prioritize in the moment.

Typically, I never turn down requests to care for my three grandchildren, one of whom has a physical disability, so that’s relatively set.
My LO in a nearby lovely Memory Care unit has a stable schedule with lots of positive support, and literally no recall of recent events, so although it’s painful to me, whether I go every day or miss a day or two, she doesn’t really know.

I have revived a long gone passion for music, and am relishing every minute with my euphonium. I will soon be starting tuba lessons, and I’m as excited as a kid. Yes, I can vaguely remember how “kid excitement” used to feel!

I have come to believe that all loving daughters and sons expect dire consequences with residential care, but in our case, we have used the same facilities TWICE and both times have worked. I won’t lie, it’s not at all what I’d have wanted for LO, but we still enjoy laughs together and pleasant visits.

Breathe. Love and care for DH, love mom, examine your options, take the time to remember Sweet Doggie........just not all at the same minute.

Let us know how it’s going, and know you have sisters (and brothers!) in the WHAT NOW? Club. We’re all in this together.

Cruxx, I was going to ask what options you're looking at. Then I thought I'd better see if I could glean anything from previous posts, and this is what I found - I wonder if it's struck you, too.

You began by believing that your sweet mother would not live long if you placed her in a facility.

Since then, she's begun attending day care, and although tentative about it at first now seems to be relishing it - thinks of it as "going to work."

So - do you still think that the right kind of dementia care facility would be certain death?!

Have you looked at places near you?

Have you doodled a mind map, done a SWOT plan, given thought to how you might be able to plot a course through the years ahead?

Life is full of uncertainties. I can hardly believe I just typed that - OBVIOUSLY life is full of uncertainties! But among them, there are distinct priorities and known, predictable needs. That you are holding your family together is one, and that means you have to be okay - your life is arguably *more* important, because it underpins everyone else's. That your husband is facing a major challenge and needs your full support is another. And that your mother is a great deal more adaptable and accepting than you thought... well, QED.

And don't underestimate how big a hole your dog left in your life. How long ago did this happen?

If I were you, I'd find assisted living for Mom, like it or not. And do it like yesterday. If you want to share what time your hubby has left, put Mom somewhere...and don't EVER feel guilt over any thing, any decision, you make. If you don't consider doing this, you will be the one left by yourself, with no help forthcoming from anywhere. Eat up with the "what if's, and if I had only done that.." That's not living, it's simply surviving day to day. So, make that call, pack Mom's bags, and get on with your life.

Her life is not worth more than yours. It sounds harsh, but she has lived her life. I think many elderly get self-absorbed. Most parents want their children to live their lives and it's their plan that their children outlive them. When you and hubby got married, you became as one, forsaking all others. This includes parents. :) It doesn't mean that we forget or neglect our parents, but it does mean that our spouse should come first.
Spend fun time together, even if it's day trips once per week or so or a candlelit dinner on your patio or deck if you have one. If you like the outdoors, spend time doing that. Whatever you two like to do together, plan often what you can or go off on the fly as you have time. You need to be there for your hubby and help him through these times while enjoying time together.
Tomorrow is never promised, no matter how old we are. A diagnosis magnifies the fact of how short life is. ((Hugs)) to you!

Your husband comes first, he is entitled to his life, just as you are. You do not have to be so tied up with your mother, this is your choice, might be time to make better choices for you and your husband. Place her in MC, it is time. Sending you hugs, so sorry about your hubby.

Her life is not worth more than yours. You deserve happiness, freedom to enjoy your retirement and more.

If Mum is not in a care facility, now is the time. No ifs and or buts. If it were hit by a bus, she would be in care. If she is in a care facility, let the staff do their job.

Now your husband, he has a big challenge ahead of him and he will need you love and support. Is there any way the two of you can go for a short holiday before he starts treatment? Even a 2 night get away to reaffirm your commitment to each other?

You need to schedule cruxx time. You need to plan time each week, hopefully more than once a week, where you do something you enjoy. Hopefully you can reconnect with friends, as you will need their support as your hubby goes through treatment.

You and your hubby need to make a plan for housework, lawn/garden care, snow removal, seasonal chores, car maintenance, that he usually does. One so it is not an extra chore for you during his treatment, and 2 because you need to have a list of everything in case he does not make it. Not trying to scare you, but you best be prepared.

It is time to make sure your affairs are in order, update your Wills, POA etc.

Her life isn't worth more than yours......your priorities have gotten confused with all the caregiving and heartache you've been faced with lately. Now is the time to put yourself and your husband first, and to get mom placed in a memory care or Skilled Nursing Facility. You will need every ounce of your strength to deal with your own difficulties right now and you know you've done all you possibly can for mom. I just said to my husband tonight that I am starting to feel like my mother, who is 92, is going to oulive he and I. I moved my folks out here in 2011 and I'm quite close to full burnout myself, sigh. It's all too much after awhile, especially when we have our own health crises to face!
Sending you both hugs and prayers.

You have gotten some good input here.,I had to put my heart dog down shortly after my mom diagnosed. It was awful. It was awful telling my mom. As she loved that dog too. I equated with my mom's mortality. I wasn't wrong really.

There comes a time when you have to admit not necessarily defeat, but reality. I think you know you are there. Best to you. This is hard. Very hard.

I will be praying for you. You get through by faith. God promised never to leave or forsake us. I get through by talking to people who are going through similar situations. I think my story is rough until I hear somebody else's story.

You have enough on your plate. You and your husband need now to take care of yourselves. Please check now about placement for your mother and explain that you can no longer do it physically or mentally and are sorry, but it is simply a fact.