How are you dealing with a negative elderly parent?

I'm an only child too; my mother is almost 95 years old and I can honestly not recall hearing her ever say one nice thing about anything in my entire 64 years of life. She hates everyone; the family, her so-called friends who are all PITAs, my father who was her nemesis for 68 years and never did enough for her, her own mother who she detested, and on and on. Now she lives in Memory Care Assisted Living and suffers from advanced dementia but come to think of it, she nearly gave me a stroke yesterday b/c she said her caregiver is 'so wonderful' to her. But I think that was more of a dig at ME than a compliment towards her CG, since she also said the girl was 'like a daughter to her.' Every word out of her mouth is negative, she's never had hobbies, and God forbid I suggest one to her, oh no, she 'doesn't believe' in hobbies, exercise, or anything positive or uplifting.

In fact, on one of our recent visits, my husband asked her to tell him ONE thing she was grateful for. One single thing. She thought about it, scratched her head, did some hemming & hawing, and could not come up with ONE thing she was grateful for. After nearly 95 years of life on Earth, various nice houses she's lived in, a huge wardrobe of great clothes, 2 grandchildren and a great-grandson, many exotic cruises, and on and on, not ONE thing could she think of to be grateful for. That about summarizes my mother. And probably yours too.

Long ago, I decided to stop trying to make her happy. It's an exercise in futility. I quit trying to fix problems she didn't want solutions for. She wants to be miserable. She wants to complain. She wants to be The Victim and The Poor Soul, so have at it mother. It's not my job (or your job) to make our mother's happy because it's an inside job. If nothing has made them happy after 9+ decades, nothing is going to. And there ain't no Happy Pill on earth gonna do it either.

My mother also says she 'wants to die' on a regular basis, which couldn't be further from the truth. It's just a ploy to garner sympathy from us, the only children who should be and could be doing more for them but aren't. I know the drill, I've been hearing it for decades now. About how she wants to 'jump out the window' or 'run out into traffic' to end her life, but it's all nonsense. I was recently called 'cold' for saying things like this, but hey, I call it as I see it. After being the victim of such a difficult mother for such a long time, I am paying my experiences forward for those who are suffering now. If my words can help YOU, then I'm happy and I've done a good thing. We are the ones who have to harden OUR hearts to all the misery THEY dole out, otherwise, we're in the psychiatrist's chair & eating anti-depressants like Tic-Tac, let's face it. Please cut back on your visits a bit if you find yourself getting depressed as a result of all the negativity, ok?

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.

As they say, getting old is not for the fainthearted. It's no picnic, it's depressing, and it's never going to go away. Watching your body betray you with wrinkles, ailments, bruising, and all the other problems is insulting and it's the real confirmation that we indeed not immortal. In short, it's seriously depressing.

So, the thing to do is try to make the most of the time we do have left. Have you thought of trying to get her to write down or record memories of her life? There are lots of sources from prompts to start discussions, like "who was your favorite teacher" which leads to discussions about school days, or "what kind of house did you live in" which starts discussions of home.

It's a great way to both fill up the lonely hours but also a way to connect, to educate the next generation, and to perhaps bring back memories of happier times when everything worked better and cares were fewer.

I'm 73, so while I'm not as old as your mom, I am "old". Here is my suggestion:

Cannabis is now legal in many states, and in other states a medical marijuana card can be obtained.

You mom doesn't need to smoke a joint to get the wonderful, mellowing benefits of Cannabis. I use a tincture, and it helps me tremendously with mood. Talk to a sympathetic doctor and do some research.

You don't need to answer or react to any of her negative talk. With my 92-yr old mom and 99-yr old aunt, I literally don't even look at them as they gripe, but instead redirect the conversation to something else, even if it's a neutral comment. Does she have a bird feeder? They provide a lot of good distraction if it is in a spot that's close to a window where she can sit and watch. Increased negativity and stubbornness is a very common symptom of dementia.

I would also consider changing her doctor. Her doc seems clueless about mood meds. My 99-yr old aunt and 88-yr old MIL are greatly helped by taking them and it didn't affect their balance. Seniors lose their balance in their homes for a variety of other reasons. Depression is brutal and she needs a more understanding physician. You would need to dispense any med to her to ensure she is taking them.

Only child here! I had a great relationship with my parents...then they retired & bought the house three doors down from me. My mom became extremely negative upon turning 70. She literally went from jogging & eating healthy to sitting on the couch drinking wine all day and complaining about her life, saying she would just rather die. That was 9 years ago. She never snapped out of it. On her 75th birthday I went over there to ask my parents to go out to dinner with us for her birthday and she was flailing around in bed yelling that "75 was nothing to be proud of". Sigh...turns out that was our last chance as a family because dad had to be admitted to memory care about two months later. Oh, and the reason for that: she told me if I did not get him out of her house immediately, she was either going to commit suicide or move to a hotel and leave him there to fend for himself (at that point he was forgetful and needed oversight but was still "himself" mostly and managable).

So, it's been a depressing roller coaster of negativity and verbal abuse for a decade. After a long hospital stay and 60 days in skilled nursing, I was able to move her into an assisted living facility late last year. But, I am still stuck dealing with her and now the probability that she will outlive her money. She demanded a cell phone for months and I finally caved and bought her one of those Jitterbug type phones. I have her ringtone set to "silent" as I seriously suffer from PTSD when she calls, after a decade of being at her back & call for every whim and constant drama and emergencies.

I am 54 and run a small business. I work 6 full days a week. As an only, I am very alone in this world and I cannot afford to sacrifice my financial future and health for her. Honestly I have felt I was fighting for my own life at various times throughout this journey. When I was 50, mom actually told me she did not know how I could continue to live my life, with theirs crumbling in the manner that it was. She has told me I "owe" her for raising me. I fell that I have been manipulated and used, to some extent, because of my lonely-only status. As my parents unraveled there were two of them, fighting with each other constantly, and one of me receiving multiple calls per day to leave my work and solve their problems.

My mom has done nothing since age 70 except sit around and lament that her life has been much harder than most people's lives. She has run off the few friends she had. No hobbies, hates TV, hates music. She flat out told me that she would no longer do anything for me, period, and that she now expected everything to be done for her.

Sorry for the long rant. An only child with a negative, nasty mom is, sadly, my status in life now. Never expected it to be this way. I wish I would have moved far away from them when we were all young, but what do you do with two old parents that live almost next door? I got sucked into the vortex and I am still here....

This morning I was having a cup of coffee on my DH aunts back porch. I was talking to a favorite niece on the phone. My voice carries. So when the bathing aide who came to tend to DH aunt, 95 tomorrow, heard my voice she came to report that aunt told her to “get out of my house. I don’t need you”
The aide happens to be aunts favorite temp. Her regular has been off a month. But the aide has about had it with DH aunt talking so ugly. She is young. Not 30, very pretty little tiny thing. I asked her if she was able to change her. She said “No. I left”. I told her the secret was to make her laugh. I suggested she go back in and say in her best Jack Nicholson voice “Im Baack”
A few minutes later I went by aunts door and listened in to see if I was needed. They were talking about aunts birthday tomorrow. The aid had asked her how old she would be tomorrow. “88 said aunt, No I think 89 tomorrow”.
So my suggestion is if you are going to visit, try to make it count. You, yourself have fun with it. Try to make her laugh.
Do something silly. If she won’t laugh, moon her and be on your way.

I am so sorry you are going through this, but also relieved to see so many people relating to your story. I feel your pain and I am grateful that we have this safe place to vent and find support. I have been struggling with this kind of behavior with my 92 year old mother for 5 years. I left my job, lost friends, and suffered unrepairable damage to relationships with my siblings. My mom has had two hospital stays, was twice "graduated" out of hospice, recovered from a broken hip and wrist, and now walks around like nothing happened, healthier than I am, demanding, abusive, nasty and always with the maybe I should just kill myself. It is an awful disease that hurts so many people and tears families apart. Unless you have experienced it, you can't know just how hard it is. I have read the statics about patients outliving their caregivers, about how this can go on for many years, and about people living well into their ninties and beyond. I imagine this problem will only grow as baby boomers struggle to care for their parents. I have no answers. Just letting you know you are not alone. Try your best to take care of yourself and also to offer your support to others on this site. It is so important. Hugs.

A few months ago my mother was assessed as having advanced dementia. She is now in respite, waiting for a LTC room as I couldn’t handle her 24/7 demands and she aggressively fought having any help but me. My point: refusing to socialize, refusing to leave her home, ignoring all hobbies and interests, plus worsening negativity (around me) started years ago. Extended family said she sounded happy and engaged on the phone. We tried to get her out and keep her involved with family and friends with very little success. Now she is bitter that *I* held her hostage at home as that can surely be the only reason she wasn’t out and about. Questions are prying and games are stupid. I hoped others in the respite home would fulfill her social needs. No - she refuses to engage with them. (yes, she’s been on mood meds for years, which tempered her anger and suspicion a bit) It’s such a frustrating, self-sabotaging cycle, so difficult to watch.

This has been a most informative exchange of ideas and my heart goes out to the ones left to care for their aging parents with no relief from siblings. As a mom of an only daughter in my early 70's I see myself in many of these conversations.

When my husband (20 years older) passed away last year after 42+ years together, it was a very painful time. Caregiving, Covid restrictions, palliative care, then hospice, and downsizing our home became overwhelming at times. My daughter has her own full life with 2 children, a husband and a full-time career.

My biggest fear is that I become a burden to her from any form of cognitive impairment, as I experienced it first-hand with my husband. Taking any kind of mood altering drugs hastens dementia--so taking something for depression is totally out of the question. The same for anesthesia, so avoiding any procedures that would require even mild sedation is not negotiable. Point is to keep moving, eat healthy, and try to to regain some positive perspective on life while you still can.

My daughter and S-I-L thought it would be a good idea to combine households after my husband passed away. As most grief counselors will advise: never make life-altering decisions while still in the earliest stages of grief. This was not the best decision I ever made. There's a reason why parents and adult children do not live together. What's that phrase: TMI. Yikes, I went from being a full time caregiver to my ill husband, trying to still run our distribution business, moving for the 2nd time in under 2 years, to now residing in my in-law apartment in the same home as my daughter and her family.

Now I can witness that daily drama first-hand and deal with a bratty teenager, an 11 yo grandson doing virtual school (I'm his learning coach), buying the food for the family, cooking meals daily, not having any people around that are my age. Life is certainly different.

There are times when I'm so depressed that I too would like to check-out, but I'm fortunate that I have a family to be able to do for. My daughter's plate is full, she works long days in the healthcare field and doesn't have the time or energy to get meals on the table. I love to cook, so the main kitchen is my domain. It's not ideal, but it works. But this is not at all how I pictured my "golden years". Getting old sucks, but causing more stress on my daughter isn't going to change things. It's hard to snap out of that downward spiral many older people find themselves in: failing health, loss of spouses and friends, isolation from Covid, loss of communication with anyone. Our coping skills need a serious overhaul. But on the upside, keeping so busy that I don't have time to wallow in self-pity may be my life-saver.

Sorry for the long rant. And I can only offer this bit of advice from someone in the same boat as some of your Moms: try a little kindness and patience. It's difficult when the child becomes the parent and the parent acts like a child. Sometimes it's better to take a time-out. Go for a walk, go outside in the yard, go to another room. Give each other some space when the situation spirals out of control. Take a small bunch of flowers or some candy when you go visit. Take something home cooked to brighten their day. What's that old adage, "Kill them with kindness"! Life's too short for bitterness. When you know in your heart that you've done your best, that's the memories you'll want to carry with you once they're gone.

**This forum was a blessing while I was caring for my terminal husband--so many helpful ideas and different perspectives about what I was experiencing. Glad I still belong.

I’m dealing with the same things with my Mom. I call her every day and visit her every other day. She mostly sits in her chair with the TV watching her. I bought some beautiful white mums and sat them out on the porch about a month ago. To my surprise, she was going outside to water them until they started to wilt. Sad that they only lasted about a month. That was actually giving her something to do. I’ve given her an iPad Mini and a new iPhone and she never uses them. She basically waits for me to bring her food and necessities and we sit and quietly watch TV. Occasionally, she’ll laugh or joke, but mostly she is quiet. This happens when she is alone and not willing to go anywhere. I attempted to take her to doctor appts. (Both Geriatric for depression and PCP) and she refused to go. This year I’m going to try the Vit D. and see if that helps. It’s usually this time of the year until Spring that she gets really bad and ends up in the hospital for not drinking or eating due to depression. Good luck and stay the course! I pray a lot to manage my stress and anxiety.