I just need to get this off my chest.
Last year I was able to get back to full time work. Thanks to my dad stabilizing and a full time house aide. Everything was going great.
So my dad’s wife goes to China and was supposed to be back mid March. In February, the house aide abandons my dad, citing fears of getting covid-19 and deciding to not step out of her house.
Now, unexpectedly, it has been back on me to give full care to my dad and try to keep my job. On top of the medical appointments and care I have always provided him, now I also keep his house clean, cook him meals, get his groceries, run errands, fix things in his house, and so on. A lot of things I don’t even do regularly for myself (like cooking...). His diet is so particular and it is hard to find foods he can (or will) eat. Which aren’t things I like to eat. My freezer is full of stuff for him because he refuses to let me clean out his freezer full of stuff his wife likes but he doesn’t (like ice cream, huge bags of tortillas?!). I get woken up at all hours of the night. He calls me in the middle of meetings and work I can’t break away from.
So I tell myself I can do this. His wife will be back soon. But, for whatever reason, she can’t manage to get a flight back home. It gets pushed out to April, then May, then October, and then a ticket refund.
He does not realize how much time I spend taking care of his needs that I neglect my own. He does not handle being alone well. He has started making up things for me to look at or fix, and asking me questions whenever I try to leave. When I am cleaning, he insists on being where I am, making it difficult for me to work around him. He gets upset that I don’t just sit and chat with him.
I have zero time for myself. I have no life. My house is a wreck. I am stressed and frustrated beyond belief and I can’t see an upturn to this, much less an end. He is high risk. I am also considered high risk. Do I dare risk exposure trying to find him another house aide? And knowing how picky he is, it will be hard to find one he will let in his house. He is so stubborn and gets so upset if he doesn’t get his way that it’s not worth fighting with him.
Either find home help or get him into an ALF.
You can't go on like this for too long.
In the meantime, don't go over to see him everyday. Block his number on your phone, so he can't ring you at work. Make it VERY clear to him that he can't live independently.
Put yourself first.
It doesn't matter what the former aide did; you can't do the care...all of the things you mention, quirks about getting up alot at night, what's in the freezer, hanging around you while cleaning, shopping and errands, chit chat, all that and more is the work description of a caregiver. There are, even today right now - including in high risk areas like New York state, caregivers in need of hours in private homes, agency and non-agency...you just have to find them and pick one, or two (they often consist of several caregivers in the same family, sisters, daughter/mother, and the like). A caregiver is ideally a person who likes to give care to old people, and that is not necessarily a family member or fault that a family member who isn't a caregiver by trade, doesn't like to do it, so don't feel guilty. It is true that this will slightly increase exposure to the virus by one more person. Advertise at the usual website(s) (I'm not sure if I can mention them) and you will get responses.
You will expose your dad to 1 more person who could pass on the virus asymptomatically.
Call a home health company if you cannot do this. They have trained people who are still going in to homes and handling chores. It may cost more than you paid to an independent person, but it will fill the hole. And, apparently it is worth the fight with him because you are saying you cannot do this.
I might consider the reasons for the wife not returning and the aid leaving. It's often very difficult to manage the care of a person with dementia for many reasons. They can be very demanding, insistent, accusatory, pace, have sleep disorders, have delusions, etc.
In any case, depending on where you are, the possible danger of bringing in a new worker may differ. If you are still in meetings, you are not in an area with full shut-down. I would talk to agencies and ask about what they are doing to screen caregivers. You need to preserve your sanity.
I would not count on the wife returning. Get access to your father's bank account and make arrangements to get groceries for him and clean out the fridge and freezer and don't give it a second thought if his wife has to replace items when and if she returns. That way your father will have food he likes and will eat.
If your father has the funds, I am sure you can find another aide through an agency. Perhaps they have screening right now for employees too. Just a thought.
Can you get a live in right now for your father? If so, that person can stay home with him and the risk is lower. They can do home care for him and housekeeping.
You might turn off your cell when your are in meetings so you can work in peace.
Hire him an aide. I hope it's his money you used/will be using for that?
ok...I realize that was digressing but you do not have to turn your life upside down for your dad. Look at it like this, should you get sick and have to be quarantined or hospitalized, who will do all this for him? Also, why are you answering your phone during a meeting? Let it go to voicemail and put phone on silent mode. You have choices but you are behaving as though you don’t. You go over once a week, period. Call him at night if you feel you must. Send groceries by delivery and either stock up on meals he can reheat or something similar. Houses will survive with dust.
hire a caregiver if that is at all possible. You really have to set some boundaries if you wish to keep your sanity. You don’t need to give him reasons and don’t feel guilty. Just state facts and take control rather than him being in control. Also don’t ever expect a thank you...won’t happen. I’m sorry you are going through this during this very stressful time
Draw boundaries because you should be taking care of yourself first.
Don't answer the phone in the evening and get your rest. You have to function from a good place.
The other tasks can be outsourced like meals on wheels or other meal delivery services. With this corona virus, there are neighborhood volunteers that have done 80% of the shopping and errands, and I discovered home delivery a few months ago by necessity when there was no one to help when I got ill.
Not sure what to say about the wife m.i.a. She is the wife, and should be the one responsible for taking care of her husband, your father. Is she communicating from a distance? Have you considered placing him in assisted living until she returns?
Try and hire someone. Tell Dad you can't work keep up ur house and his too.
Your dad may not get all his wishes fulfilled, but the main things are his safety, well being and Yours.