I went through the dementia roller coaster with my dad (86) a couple of years ago. He and my mom divorced over 50 years ago, he remarried (his 2nd wife passed away about 10 months before he did) and my dad was living 3.5 hours from me. My half-sister (16 hours away) and I helped him all we could remotely, with me driving to see him on weekends where I could get away. Ultimately he went in to an adult family home near me where he went down hill quickly and passed away back in 2022. Cleaning up his estate (5 cars 4 pull behind trailers, 2 boats, 4 mobile homes, 6 sheds....everything packed to the gills with moldy, rusted, or pretty much unneeded items, not to mention rusty, rotted debris all over his property I had to haul away as well) was not a pleasant chore....all of this handled either remotely, or in person pretty much by myself after driving 3 and a half hours each weekend. My half-sister did what she could to help, which I really appreciated.
Now my mom (86), never remarried, who lives 2.5 hours the other direction has dementia. I am an only child of hers, and she is a hoarder. All her doctors are local, and I really can't handle her living with me, so that will be a last resort. But I see the writing on the wall....earlier today I threw out 2 large trash cans and 2 small trash cans of food from her refrigerator and freezer. I really don't want to go through this again. Last time I gained 30 pounds, that I haven't been able to lose, as well as gaining a couple of stomach issues that doctors have not figured out yet what they are....and I recently started a new job, so I can't be taking days off and leaving early, or taking phone calls during work.
I'm trying to find someone locally that can go to help her a few times a week (she will pay for).
POAs are done, her will is done, beneficiary to her checking account is done, and the house will pass to me once she is gone. Actually my husband and I paid for the house, even though it's in her name...long story...she didn't plan for retirement, and so she put the down payment down, and about a year later it was discovered that small as the payments were, she couldn't make them any more. Sigh.
Anyhow, this all sounds very clinical, I know, but ducks need to be in a row ahead of time, as most of you here know.
So here we go again.
Place Mom in AL or Memory Care and sell the house to pay for it .
Hire a company to clean it out before you sell it or sell it as is .
I realize you paid for the house but , I think accepting the money loss , using the money from the sale of the house to fund her care is better than taking her in your home . I doubt Mom would get Medicaid for a facility since she has a house in her name .
I’m sorry about how this turned out . Too bad you didn’t change the name on the deed sooner .
Let me tell you about homecare. Homecare aides are not going to be enough care for her unless you decide to use live-in caregivers. Also, homecare agencies aren't going to send employees to work in a filthy, hoarded house. I operate a homecare business. I will not send my caregivers to work in a hoarded home. If you find a homecare agency who goes to the hoarded house to open the case and is willing to take it on, don't use that agency. Homecare that agrees to work under hoarded conditions have no regard for the health and safety of their caregivers. This means they don't hire quality people too.
I think your best bet is to sell your mother's property 'As Is' and use the proceeds to fund her in assisted living or memory care.
I wouldn't/couldn't do it.
It would have to be guardianship of the state, placement, and their cleaning out that home for sale for her care.
That's me. I just couldn't make this a choice for what are some of the most free years you have, retired and able to do some things you always wanted to do. To instead throw those years on the funeral pyre of a parent who made such awful choices? I would not do it.
So it is choice now for you. There aren't always good and bad choices. Some times they are only bad and worse.
I would transition her into AL local to you using a therapeutic fib. But now she doesn't have a house to sell to pay for it. All her legal ducks in a row may not add up to much if there's no money to pay for her care... or were you thinking of paying aids out of your own pocket? Hopefully not. I cannot really think of a solution here that would satisfy you... You may at some point need to consider resigning your PoA and then reporting her to APS and allowing the judge to assign her a legal guardian. This would enable her to get the care she needs and you can keep your sanity, health and money. Sometimes there are no good solutions, only least bad options. I'm sorry that you're stuck in this quandary. It's a shame your Mom didn't plan for her senior years. (I'm also an only child, managing my single 95-yr old Mom living next door to me, plus her 104-yr old sister living in her home in another state, and my hubs is PoA for his 89-yr old Mom in LTC near us).
Glad to see that you have all her paperwork in order.
I suggest that you do not consider having mom live with you, even as a last resort. If/when she can not handle living alone even with caregivers, then please place her somewhere so she will be safe and taken care of appropriately.
Are you having trouble finding someone to help her? Do they have something like home health services near her?
Best of luck.
You’d be better off to sell the house. I hope you’re her POA because that should give you the power to do that. Use the proceeds to place mom in memory care. She won’t want to go, but you can’t expect her to stop hoarding, and that will be a constant misery for you to deal with. Hoarding is a mental issue and with dementia on top of that and all the other things on your plate, oh my. Make it easy on yourself. Be firm with mom and insist that there’s no choice.
So sorry this is happening to you.