My husband, children and I live 2.5 hours away from my parent's house. My children and I have been staying with my mom since the beginning of March when she went to the ER, admitted, and discharged home then admitted at home to Hospice due to cancer.
My mom has always even long before she was diagnosed with cancer back in 2018 liked to make the evenings more about her (likes to go to bed late) and not worry about others bedtime (i.e. myself and small children.
Fast-forward to the present on Hospice. The evening routine is daunting. She DRAGS it out. Everything that I ask her to do earlier (the evening/late afternoon) is thought about, and pushed out until I am ready to spend the evening with my sweet little ones who I DESPERATELY miss. They are with me, and I DEEPLY miss them. All my time has been going to mom, and it makes me sick right now. She monopolizing my time in the evening. Wanted to do foot soaks, and everything she keeps asking for is right where she needs it. I know all the stall tactics so I have everything ready (Kleenex, phone, water, tv, bedcontrol, 2 bedside tables, lotion, hand sanitizer, snack, remote control, towel, mouth swabs, everything.
I don't mind helping her in the evenings, but when it starts to be an hour, two hours, three hour routine dragged out it just really disappoints, discourages makes me really upset inside. Takes away from myself and my kids after I've been helping around the clock. Last night, I told her that I needed to recruit my dad to come downstairs and take over so that I could get in the bed (sofa bed next to her room the old dining room). I told my mom I needed to be with my babies. Snuggle, get night snackies and drinks, talk to them, watch TV. They need their mama, and quite frankly I need them. I really miss them. I told her that I needed and wanted my babies. I told her that my children are important like her and that I won't neglect them to pay attention to her 24/7 like I have been. Not fair to them.
After I recruited my dad downstairs, my dad and my mom were whispering and then my dad said I think you may need to leave for a few days. This has been back and forth (yet another control tactic). The last time I went home for a week break and left my mom to my dad and sisters care of turned out not so great. She was over-medicated amongst other things. A few moments later after coming downstairs, he started talking about finances. His behavior is quite disgusting to me during this time that my mom is on hospice.
Between the two of them.... Right now.... I am just so disappointed and disgusted at both of their behavior.
I hate to sound like the martyr, but seriously......
This is awful....
The dynamics and behavior right now....
The financial abuse....
The pitting against one another....
The manipulative behaviour(s)......
Then tomorrow at 6:30 remind her that she is on her own after 7. At 7:00 tell her good night and go be with your kids. Don't respond to her after 7. If she sleeps in the clothes she wore all day, if she does not get her foot soak, if she does not have a box of tissues...she will remember that at 6:30 and make a better choice when you remind her that at 7 you are with your kids.
If your dad says again...maybe you should go home..then pack your bags and go. Contact the Hospice Social Worker and let her/him know that mom and dad are going to be on their own.
Not sure how the financial aspect of this is working but if you are getting paid to care for your mom you are probably not getting paid enough for a 24 hour day. They can hire someone else from 7 PM until 7 AM if it is needed.
You also have to take into account how the emotional stress is taking a toll on your kids. Is it worth it? And what is this doing for your relationship with your husband..he should come before your parents.
The fact that he's using that as a threat now repulses me to the core..... Especially while my mom is dying. Unbelievably insensitive, uncaring and controlling, and then to deal with my mom. Almost unbearable at times. Shameful. Disheartening
Can you say no to your parents? If you can't, your parents need to make other arrangements.
I read your other post and replied to it. You are being taken advantage of. If Mom is 70 then Dad cannot be much older. He is perfectly able to take care of Mom, he just chooses not to. If he is caring for your kids he can care for her. Hospice should be supplying an aide for bathing and the Nurse should be there at least 3x a week. Nurse is available 24/7. You have sisters, then let them do some of the work. Don't worry if they don't do it the way you would. Seems like Mom can speak for herself. To me it seems like u have selfish parents. Taking your time away from your children.
I bet you are the daughter who was always there. The one who could be made to feel guilty. Who just did without question and sisters would say no or just not do. Been there.
Its time to go home. Your children need a mother and father. Tell them you r going home for that "couple" of days and don't return. If ur being paid no amount of money is worth it. You have tried to set boundries and they feel their wants are more important than your childrens. Once home, call Hospice and tell them you won't be returning. It wasn't working out. That she may want to get those who will be caring for Mom together and go over medication because u think she overdoses when ur not there.
He told you to go home because he knew you'd feel guilty. Quite frankly I'd be packing so fast and out of there that night. You owe it to your kids. Sometimes you can't save people from themselves. Just save you and your kids. Leave now!
Go home. Today.
Go HOME.
Ps. Don't let anyone put you down or blame anything on you. Don't let anyone tell you you didn't enough because you did. Taking care of a sick disabled person is really hard. I admire you for have the patience and strength to go through it. God Bless you 🙏!
Oobligation in families goes forward. From parent to child. Not in the other direction at least in non 3rd world societies where there is a safety net for impoverished parents.
Your primary obligation, financial and emotional is to your minor children and your marriage.
Your father's obligation (financial and emotional) is to your mom.
He is trying to get something for nothing.
Move on. Move home.
With your father, just accept that he is a selfish controlling nasty man whose behaviour is genuinely disgusting. Once you have accepted that this is true, it will help you to put your own family first.
So what if sister over-medicates your mother? Mother is dying, and over-medication can make it easier for her as well as everyone else. Your parents can make their care easier for everyone if they want to, with or without medication, and that will also make it better for them. If they whisper about it and both choose not to be reasonable, it’s on their own heads, not yours.