Hi, new to here. My lovely dad, 88yrs old, died in Sept 20 of ishemic heart disease, cardomathpy & severe atherosclerosis. We requested PM. He had episodes of “feeling funny” couple of months before when I was with him as I went there every week. I put it down to getting up too fast, never knew what was going on health wise. He’d had heart attack 27 years ago so had triple bypass, then years after had sent the doctor says they could not do anything else. After that, then he lived on another 25 years obviously unbeknown to me his heart was quietly failing. The week he passed I was at work to a strict time schedule, he rang & said he was in pain in his back. His neighbour drove him to hospital. Managed to get X-ray, few days later letter come could not see anything. Couple days later his lady neighbour next door called an ambulance which checked him everywhere BP ECG. I have the ambulance paperwork here, they said everything fine and he refused to go in due to Covid. What I need advice on pls is when he told me he was getting ambulance I told him we wouldn’t be able to go & see him cause of Covid & that’s why he told them & didn’t go in. Did I stop him from been saved 😪? That was on the Wed/Thursday I went to see him as it was early, he was in bed. I helped him out which I don’t normally have to do. Notice he’d had to wee in bucket that should of set of alarm bells in my head but as I knew ambulance & hospital have seen him I just thought it was bad back that would get better. The doctor gave him Tramadol, only low dose. He was a bit out of sorts so I put that down to Tramadol. I gave him shower, lunch beans on toast. He asked me to empty hoover back, I said I would do it next week, kissed him on head & left. Never knew that was the last time I was gonna see him💔 That night my sister rang him, said he didn’t sound right she went & got him. He didn’t want to go there which is unusual said to his neighbours he was “going on holiday “ and thanked them for everything. He was at my sisters for about 20 mins before said he felt funny again after going upstairs to bed then went blue and collapsed and died. Why did I not notice in the day thinking back all the signs were there? Stare, moltish skin when I pulled his shorts up after showers his leg bled a tiny bit as skin so thin, but how was I to know these are all signs he was actively dying in front of me? Could I have done anything? Why did I say not to go to hospital? Could he of had oxygen therapy and still be here now? I loved him so much, we always had a laugh and miss him sooo much I can’t move on thinking he might have thought I advised him wrong or did he know he was dying? He said in the week if I’m still here he also said to his neighbour he saw my sister who passed away when she was 14. My dad and I had such a close bond. It feels he said his sort of goodbye and thanks to everyone, his neighbours, my sister for taking him over there, but I feel like I didn’t notice. I’ve let him down, what would he be thinking about me? He didn’t talk much when I was with him that day. I know now it was confusion and impaired thinking. Sorry such a long thread, keep thinking about Oxygen therapy they might have given him in hospital or would it not get through his body with all the PM report was it his time to go 🙏
You did all you could, you were there, and you years ago were given to understand, by doctors, that you Dad had damage to his heart, that it could not at this point be repaired.
As a species we attempt to understand the disasters in our lives. We spend time scratching our heads and saying "If only I had.................", and "What if I had...."
So I will tell you that perhaps you might have pushed death back from the door for an hour, a day, a week, a month. Those would not have been quality hours.
You may always have the return of these moments of self questioning. They will become more and more brief as you accept that Dad is gone, is at peace, and now you have to grieve that fact. While you grieve I hope that, for some moments you take yourself out of the circular path you are forming in your brain to go down the path of this: Celebrate the life of your Dad. Write him notes in a scrap book, with pictures and decorations, of memories you have, lessons you have learned, joy you remember with him. Things you would tell him you saw that day. Your Dad is with you. He will never be gone from you. And unfortunately those last times are hard etched in our minds, and take time to deal with.
I wish you the very very best. If I felt as you do, I would take it to my Dad who had real good advice. I would write into his Scrapbook "Dad, I am so sorry. I worry I failed you". And I would be able to hear his answer "Kid, you're OK. You did your best. You're in good shape for the shape you're in. You'll be OK." I hear him every day. I was so lucky. My Dad talked with me about how tired he was, how he longed for the peace of death, how hard it was just to get up in the morning and get on the scale Mom had all ready and "eat for her". And then one night, watching Monica Lewinsky on Larry King Live he took a deep breath and was gone with a smile, and no time to say ouch. It doesn't usually end that way. It usually ends the way you describe; makes it so much more tough for you.
My heart goes out to you. You will be OK. Let yourself question and grieve, but remember to make the GOOD paths through your brain as well.
So now you grieve. We all grieve at the loss of our LOs, it's the normal and human thing to do. Alva mentioned the two G words, guilt and grief. Grief is inevitable when we loose someone we love. Guilt is a hindrance to our mental recovery. Hanging on to woulda/coulda/shoulda will only bring sadness and second guessing. So don't look in the rear view mirror.
There is another G word that may help you. It's Gratitude. Gratitude can erase the feeling of guilt if you let it. Be thankful, as I'm sure you are, for such a wonderful dad, for the gift of his life and for the memories. And don't let the memories fade, you will never forget him so do what you can to have him still live in your life. Reminisce, look thru old albums, smile and laugh at those brief moments that brought you joy.
“going on holiday “, what a wonderful and optimistic way of putting it. A vacation is something we all enjoy and your dad was looking forward to the unknown of his new life. I'm going to remember that phrase.
“I’ve let him down”, you say, “what would he be thinking about me?” Be assured, Kaye, that he would think of how blessed he was to have you as his daughter, how fulfilled his life was by his children.
I hope the responses you've rec'd in this forum erase your guilt, encourage your grieving and give you hope.
My sincere condolences.
My father had bypasses and a valve replaced 2x at about 65. He passed just before his 80th birthday. He had heart problems for a long time. Went on SSD at age 52.
You may not feel this way but ur Dad lived a long time with heart problems. 88 is not young his heart just gave out. I really don't think the Drs would or could have done anything. Oxygen therapy probably wouldn't have helped either.
One of the participants on this site often reminds people that guilt is only for when you did something wrong. You did not.
Take comfort in the fact that you were with your dad & that you had many loving years together. He would probably tell you himself - it is OK.
I am so sorry for your loss. It doesn’t seem like your father would have gone to the hospital willingly eventually anyway. Perhaps he had made his peace with that decision. He had two episodes where he had care, and it sounds like both times his ekg and labwork were negative. Do not beat yourself up trying to second guess what you could have done that day if you were all knowing. Your father was elderly and a bit frail. It would be very difficult to be able to tease out what was different about the day in question, and you made reasonable decisions based on your lifelong experience with him. Certainly your dad would not want you to wrack yourself with guilt, nor does it sound like he would expect you to halt the journey he was undertaking. This may not sound as I intend it, but he had the blessing of an easy end, where he got to be with the ones he loved, and was able to be with you cognitively right up until the time he passed. That sounds like what he wanted, when you wrote about his refusal to go into the hospital. Maybe he knew, and he made his choice so he could be with you that day. Don’t beat yourself up.
Please do not beat yourself up. You did what you believed was the best thing to do and that is all any of us can do.
May God give you grieving mercies and comfort during this difficult time. Your dad was very blessed to have you and your love, remember the good times, cry or rage when you need to but, remember to look forward to the day you will be reunited with no more goodbyes.
Great big warm hug!
I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear father.
My daddy had heart issues.
When his doctor said that he needed major surgery I asked him, “If this was your father would you want him to have this surgery?”
The surgeon looked at me and said, “Yes, I would. Without the surgery, your father will surely die and he wants to live. I have explained the risks to him.”
So, we scheduled the surgery. Daddy made it through the surgery fine.
Shortly afterwards, while in the ICU he suffered a stroke.
He was never the same after his stroke. He did rehab, fought for quite awhile, then died.
My poor mom blamed herself. She said to me, “This is my fault! I should have told him not to have the surgery and then he wouldn’t have had a stroke.”
It broke my heart to hear her say that. Of course, the stroke wasn’t her fault.
I told her that daddy knew the risks of surgery and he was willing to take those risks.
I also told her that he most definitely would have died without the surgery.
It’s normal for us to look at the circumstances and question if anything else could have possibly been done to prevent a tragedy.
The answer is usually no, that there wasn’t anything that could have been done to prevent what happened.
You know what I see when I read your post? I see a daughter who adored her father.
I am quite sure that your dad knew how much you loved him.
He will live in your heart forever. Love doesn’t die because the person died. I still love my father deeply. I know that he still loves me, just from a different realm.
Take the time to grieve for your dad. Mourn his loss. Know that he is with you in spirit. Be comforted by joyful memories that you shared together.
He would want you to be at peace. That doesn’t mean that you don’t feel sad about his death.
You will always miss him. My dad died in 2002 and I still miss him and I am extremely grateful for the time we had together. Do I wish it had been longer? Sure, I do but I was relieved that his suffering was over.
Take care, dear lady.