What can I do about an aging parent who has a significant hearing loss but won’t admit it? Clearly my mother has had impaired hearing for several years but refuses to admit it. She claims I just mumble. Our conversations seem ridiculous, almost comical as she replies to things I haven’t said. I have to repeat myself several times. When I speak loudly (which makes me feel very anxious) she says,
“You don’t have to yell.”
I get so frustrated and find myself avoiding any conversation. Getting a hearing aid is not even a consideration.
Impacted earwax accounts for a lot of hearing issues, especially in elders. The fix is simple and painless.
How about a fiblet that she will lose her medical insurance if she doesn't have a checkup this year?
Pass a note to the doctor on you way in about checking for earwax.
I had the same problem with my mother. She haughtily informed me that it's normal for elders to lose their hearing, and wait until *I* was old! She refused to consider hearing aids, and wouldn't even go back to the ENT in 6 months like he recommended.
Rather than repeat things multiple times, I just avoided conversation, as you are doing.
They don't realize that not hearing increases the cognitive decline. And my mother went to her regular doctor appointments without me going into the examining room (her orders), so I don't even think she heard what they were saying. They assumed she heard unless she said, "What?", and if she didn't hear something at all she wouldn't ask them to repeat it.
BUT I didn't live with her, so I can't imagine the frustration you must feel!
I guess I just feel guilty that she is alone much of the time, but when she lived on her own she didn’t have much interaction with people either.
I suppose I must reconcile myself to the fact that this is they way things will be until she’s gone. She will likely never get hearing aids, which to me seems stubborn and selfish.
Fortunately she does text and email family which doesn’t require hearing.
I will try to get her doctor to check for earwax as was mentioned by another responder, can’t hurt to try.
Said they would make her look old.
I said get some to match your hair, no-one will ever notice them. People probably notice the glasses, the walking stick & the WHITE hair first. LOL
Its very hard for the elderly to acclimate themselves to hearing aids. You may want to try some other things first. A member said they still have little box like things (like those transistor radios) with ear buds. There are also "TV ears" that are cordless that hook up to the TV. Then Mom wears a head piece to hear. She controls the volume from her head piece. That way others in the room can control the TV.
I would suggest that you talk, and everyone else, to Mom in a normal tone. By doing this, she may learn that she is the problem not everyone else. Also, look at her when u talk and slowly but not too slow. I think, unknowingly, we all lip read to a point. Keep your sentences short. Try not to have conversations.
A no win situation for all concerned. Welcome to old age & the stubborn pig-headed mothers who refuse hearing aids. Which must be our fault, too, somehow.
Unfortunately my mother was pig-headed long before old age...
And yes, everything IS our fault!!! :-D
(my mother has had hearing aids for a long long time. the one she moved in with finally went through the laundry at MC - she would forget to put it in, or take it out before bed, so it would end up in the sheets. got a new pair, fitted for same ear as hearing was shot in right ear. first one went AWOL in short order, likely wrapped in tissue at meal time and tossed. generally she isn't wearing it now, as she would keep taking it out. I use a Boogie Board, LCD erasable pad, to say anything she can't lip read.)
When it got to the point where he was missing the announcements to board his flight and he was missing them--he kind of had a clue.
Also, I knelt down in front of him and BEGGED him to minimally have his baseline hearing checked. I was crying and past even trying to be kind. Said I was sick to death of screaming at him all the time. It was making me sick!
He reluctantly went to a local audiologist, had me go with him b/c he KNEW he would ace the hearing test. He failed it, epically. The audiologist was extremely kind and sensitive b/c to my DH, this made him 'old' but I know 20 yos who wear hearing aids!
I told him to get the aids that were the best fit for him. No $$ limit, as I was so sick of yelling all the time, and him looking like a demented old dude.
His ha's cost over $5K. Worth every penny. he can bluetooth music or a podcast through them. He can take them out or turn them off if he wants.
He still hasn't mastered to fine art of looking at a person's face when they talk--that would be helpful.
Having ALL my kids tell him how glad they were he addressed this issue helped too. I know he gets so sick of the sound of my voice, and he takes them out so he can ignore me, which is perfectly fine!!
I need to remember that I can't try to talk to him unless there is no other noise and he is LOOKING AT ME.
My mother has had plenty of money all along to purchase hearing aids. It is somewhat comforting to know I’m not the only one....
Just crossed my mind what comes first?
I assumed the hearing loss could decrease socializing & activities, leading to using the brain less. But maybe the cognitive decline is first - which impairs judgement? So when the person is told they need hearing aids they don't have the reasoning to accept it.
But, whether it comes first or later, hearing loss probably does have an impact. Socializing can become difficult if/when they can't hear well. Although mom did still socialize, forgetting to replace the battery probably made that difficult and may have led to her eventual withdrawal from going with the others to functions at the Senior Center. She was "Self-isolating" at that point. Loss of hearing -> loss of socializing -> loss of being able to function "normally"? Her condition was surgically treatable, but she declined that. The hearing aids worked for a very long time, but eventually this condition results in more and more loss. I suspect her dementia is more related to having high BP (treated with meds) and age, but certainly losing ability to hear makes life even more difficult!
Headphones work for not having a blaring television.
I even tried writing signs for her to read. She got upset. Oh well...
I’m not heartless but it was exhausting raising my voice all the time and then I had to hear her say that I sounded angry.
I did research at one time on voice amplifiers. Any public speakers use them in large groups. It will save your voice. I never ordered one but I was tempted. Mom isn’t living with us anymore. It may be a solution for you though.
Good luck.
My mom started showing hearing issues about two years ago after she began taking lasiks for her congestive heart disease. She gets very angry when my decibel level goes up when I have to repeat. I have a soft voice so I guess I sound like a shrew when I take it up a notch. I’m really the only one she does this with. Lol
Her ears have been checked, and cleaned. She does have some sinus issues due to allergies but her doc says it’s just age related.
I bought her some earbuds that she wears with her laptop while on Facebook to hear videos or Skype.
She doesn’t like the way they feel in her ears so I imagine she wouldn’t like the feeling of hearing aids and it would probably be money wasted.
I have found if I say “Mom” when I first address her it seems to get her attention a little better and she listens a little harder.
I know this isn’t very helpful, just wanted you to know you aren’t alone. She also talks really loud while gabbing on the phone which is another indicator of the hearing loss.
After Dad died I discovered voice amplifiers. Teacher use them. You wear a small head phone set, and a small amplifier that clips to your belt or sits on a table (size of your fist) BLASTS out what you have said in your normal voice level.
Cheap too, about $25
See my earlier comment here for more details.
Just one thought, though. Hands up everyone here aged over fifty who's had their own hearing tested?
Funny story though, a few years back while watching a movie that was loud to begin with (action flick), I asked son and GF to pause it because I heard something. They looked at me like I had 2 heads. So I left the room to check on what I heard. A few minutes later they joined me and said what is that? Ohhhh, NOW you hear it!?!?!?!? (I think it was a Fischer Cat in the backyard. Whatever it was, I could hear it over the movie!)
I tell everyone my hearing is fine, I can even hear every little thing over the voices in my head (snark - no voices yet!) I do hear the slightest noises in my house (and louder ones too, but it is very quiet here, only one cat makes noise, during her sun-downing episodes - AUGH!) and so far have had no difficulty hearing others, so I don't need to have a hearing test until something DOES become apparent.
Me! Actually, in my 20’s. I have tinnitus. My audiologist said that I went attended too many loud concerts when I was young.
My hearing wasn’t perfect then. I damaged my hearing listening to very loud music for years.
In August of 2020, hearing aids will start being sold over the counter in stores such as CVS, Costco, Walgreen's, and Walmart. They will be generic, not customized, but they will also cost only about $500 (not thousands) each. This will be a game-changer!
With so many older people having hearing loss, the question is: Why in the H--- has it taken this long?!
My mom absolutely would lip read my speech. She could figure it out when I spoke slowly and facing her. If I turned away she missed it. That’s how I knew she was reading my lips.
I suppose that you used signing with your grandchild. When I was young and single I rented a duplex. My neighbor was deaf. We became good friends and he taught me to sign. It’s actually a beautiful language. Wonderfully effective way of communicating.
Speak low and slow, use her name before you speak to be sure you have her attention. Face her as she is most likely reading lips more that actually hearing.
I have had to use these to talk to Mom who does have hearing aids! She knows she is profoundly deaf and still says it is me! I feel your frustration, I still raise my voice, very hard to learn not to, and we end up yelling at each other and arguing when it was just a simple statement made that probably did not even warrant a response!
One incentive is to tell her that loss of hearing can lead to Alzheimer's and other dementia's. Look it up so you have real facts.
Buy a voice amplifier!!!!
It’s a small microphone head set that sends voice to a small amplifier box that fits in your hand or clips to your belt or sits on the table...wherever you want it to.
You can talk at a normal tone of voice. The amplifier makes it loud for your loved one to hear. Bonus: if mild dementia is involved they may think it helps YOU hear and so they want to be helpful and speak into the box.
They focus better as they talk and listen.
No need to bug a loved you about wearing their hearing aid either. They should of course but why fight when you can override the hearing aid need?
Try very hard to never yell because yelling, even yelling something friendly and pleasant, releases the fight/flight hormone and internally the person yelling feels anger, agitation and hostility.
Voice amplifiers are used by teachers and tour guide outside so everyone can hear. Costs from about $25 on up depending on features you want. I bought the cheapest to try it. It’s great but the wireless option for a little bit more would have been great.
I got mine on Amazon, there is a good selection of models. Search using the words “voice amplifier”.
If she cannot hear you, then repeat in the same normal voice. Also, if people visit tell them to talk normally to help you show her how much she is missing out on by having hearing problem. Maybe she would agree to, at least, have it checked out.
The way I have coped with it is simple: I don't. I don't raise my voice, I don't repeat myself, I don't sympathize with her, I don't tell her to put in her aids.
In the beginning my sisters and I did all sorts of things, to no avail. After a few months, we gave up on trying to cajole or scold her into wearing her aids. We would talk in normal conversational tones. Any time she would ask us to speak louder or repeat something we would respond "put in your hearing aids, Mom, we are speaking normally and you should be able to hear." When she would complain that a friend did not speak loudly enough, we would respond "that is called normal conversational tones, Mom, wear your aids if you want to participate."
End result: Mom still chooses to remain in silence. Ultimately, we had to accept that she will not wear those expensive hearing aids, but we will not change our lives because she chooses not to hear. It makes her seem older and more senile because she is guessing on what is being said, rather than hearing. It is sad, but I would rather talk to Mom without arguing or yelling. There is communication, of a sort. Mom hears the voices and is pleased to be part of a "conversation" though her replies are often total non-sequiturs.
I also suffer from a slight hearing loss. My choice is to wear the aids nearly all the time. I like hearing the birds sing, people around me, and ALL the notes of the music I listen to. I choose to be part of the world. I wasn't sure about getting the aids, based on Mom's experience so the audiologist allowed me to borrow a pair that was tuned to my hearing issues. Within 2 days I was certain that I wanted aids. I then "test drove" a more upscale pair, which I bought. That was 4 years ago.
My suggestion to you is don't do anything. Don't repeat yourself, don't raise your voice. When your mother is ready to seek help, she will. It is really HER problem, not yours. In the meantime, if she complains about not hearing you, stick to a single reply, "I was speaking normally, if you can't hear you may want to visit an audiologist." You are the daughter, not the mother, and she will have her way whether you like it or not. Go along with it and have your part of the conversation normally. She will understand some of it, you can't control how much of it.
I take my Mom to luncheons with some of her old friends. It is hilarious. None of them hear well, none of them wear their aids. All of them speak in normal tones and pretend they know what is going on, but they are exchanging totally unrelated conversational tidbits. It is almost like being in an acid trip. I wear my aids and respond to each of them in their own conversation, making no corrections. We all have a wonderful time, but I am the only one who really understands each of the conversational drifts. See if you can see the humor in the situation. What else can you do? Laugh with her and enjoy the day as much as possible.
For a very long time my mother needed hearing aids. I finally had my way, got her to the doctor, got her the hearing aids. And then [ wait for it, wait for it ] she would not use them, did not like how they felt, and finally I realized she will not change and was able to return them for the full 5 thousand $ refund, luckily. At least we tried. Now it's been so long, we ( I ) am able to gently joke about it with her. I say something from about five feet away, she repeats what she thinks she hears which is totally wrong, and I raise my voice even more and say it again louder and more slowly. We laugh. She will tell me sometimes I don't have to yell, and I answer right back, " I have to yell, because you can't hear, and you wouldn't use the hearing aids." She hears and is just quiet and doesn't answer back, because she knows it is true!
When we are out like at a concert last night, I lean my mouth very close to her ear so she will hear me. Other times, I look directly at her and speak slowly and enunciate my words extra-clearly. I have learned (most of the time) more patience in the last couple of years than I have ever had in my life. It's an ever-evolving journey :)
If DH will not wear his aids, I refuse to yell all day long. And I will not watch TV with him nor go to a movie "what? what did they say?"
His loss.
There is a learning curve to getting used to aids and I know my DH has made some effort, and is doing better, but if he is like his mother (and he is, sadly, a great deal like her) he will go to his death saying that the entire world mumbles and it's not HIM.
I can hear perfectly--which is a great blessing. One of us has to be aware of our surroundings. You know how many speeding tickets DH has gotten b/c he cannot hear the cop behind him? Or how many flights he's missed b/c he doesn't hear the announcement to board the plane? It's embarrassing.
Our kids never let him babysit b/c he could not hear the babies cry. They don't even like him to drive them places b/c he doesn't hear and driving does require a certain level of sound awareness. Deaf people learn skills to help the---semi deaf people just blame everybody and their dog for how hard it is to hear.
And yep, he turns them down or off when the gkids come over, Too many little voices and he can't follow.
It is what it is. He spent a fortune on these things and if he chooses to not wear them, he is choosing to live in a muffled world. (The audiologist was able to have me wear headphones and 'hear' the way my DH hears. It was eye opening and I don't know how he can stand it!)