He is suffering because of his mistakes, should I try and make him feel better?

You don't say how old your father is or whether he has dementia or not.

Personally, I totally understand the intense frustration and built-up anger due to the mess he has created (and ignored). He is a full-grown adult and had the same opportunities as the rest of us to ponder big questions in life and prepare for the inevitable. Some people are just immature deniers. My in-laws were like that.

IMO it is you who needs to work on having peace in your heart regarding all of this. Primarily because venting at him will shut him down and punish him for something he now cannot fix. And if he has cognitive problems, then he is probably even less able to deal with it internally and externally. To date, if he has apologized and is acting more responsible/cooperative -- then I think this is as much as can be hoped for.

Then, when he can't have things he needs/wants you will just have to look at him and say, "oh well" and let him live with the retirement for which he planned (or didn't).

I went through such a struggle with my stepFIL. He was a ne'er-do-well who barely worked a day in his life, borrowed money from everyone and never paid them back (nor acknowledged the debt), and in the end when he needed care as Parkinsons wrecked his body and his wife (my MIL) lost her memory -- he assumed we would be his caregivers at his beck-and-call. Him, with an upside down mortgage, back property taxes owed, no property or assets and not a penny of savings. Us, both working FT in our business with 3 young sons and my own mother and 2 elderly sisters to help, not including my MIL (husband's mom, stepFIL's wife).

When SFIL didn't want to go into a NH for care he wouldn't assign a PoA or the Medicaid form that I had helped him fill out. I told him the only other option was for him to stay in his home by himself without me coming over every day and allow county social services to help him. He didn't like that idea at all. And that's when I just looked him right in the eye, shrugged and said, "oh well!". There was nothing we could do to make things "better" even if we wanted to.

The only way to hold your LO to account is to shrug and say "oh well" when he doesn't like the options for his care that are available to him, thanks to his lack of planning. You don't have to punish him...his lack of options is what will punish him.

Your dad has made his bed and now he's having to lie in it. That's the way life often goes, and quite honestly he will learn nothing from it if people like you keep bailing him out.
It's called enabling, and I can liken it to when my son was drinking quite heavily, and I was always there to bail him out, like paying his car insurance when he let it lapse, or pay other of his bills when he fell behind. I thought I was helping him, but with the help of Al-Anon, I was able to see that I was actually hurting him, by enabling him, and by not allowing him to have to deal with the consequences of his choices.
Once I stopped bailing my son out, and he knew that he could no longer depend on good old mom to bail him out anymore, guess what? He actually took responsibility and sought help for his drinking problem.
It's called tough love, and sometimes our loved ones need that more than they need someone to continue bailing them out. So while I don't know the specifics of what your dads issues are, just be careful that while your intentions may be good, that you're not enabling him, as if you do, he will continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.
Best wishes.

Ask yourself this question: How would I like to be treated during my last days/months/years on Earth knowing I made a lot of mistakes & already suffering 'anguish & stress' because of them? Would I like to keep being reminded of the grief those mistakes have caused me and my family members? Or would I like to be treated with love and kindness in spite of my mistakes so I can live out my final time in peace?


Before my father died, I reminded him what a great man he was and how much he'd accomplished in his life, not of the mistakes he'd made, of which there were plenty. At that time in his life, the last thing he needed was 'tough love' from ME! He needed to be comforted and assured that we all loved him in spite of his shortcomings, that's all.

You're entitled to your own feelings, of course. Whether you should make HIM aware of them or not is the question. What purpose would it serve? What's dad going to learn NOW, that he's old and sick, approaching the end of his life? It's a day late & a dollar short to 'learn' much of anything, imo.

Whatever is going on here, I wish the both of you the best of luck coming to terms with it.

He recognizes he has made mistakes. He is correct; he made them and they have terrible consequences for him, AND for you. There is no reason to make pattycakes over that. Tell him he made the mistakes and there is a consequence to that, and that you recognize he is sad and sorry, but there is no way to go back and undo the past. But there IS a way to make things better NOW, and that's to accept the mistakes were made, and to move on with as much GRACE as he can muster, for his own sake and for yours. Reassure him that you will be there for him within your own limitations, and help him when you are able, but that in order to spend time with him that needs to be something that lifts him up, not pulls YOU down; that would be unfair. Try to find pastoral or other care for him so that he can unload some of what he feels and get help on a psychological basis. Know that there are consequences and that you cannot be all the answers for him. He is repeating this half hoping that someone can convince him it is OK. It isn't ok. But it is done and in the past, and it isn't ok to make this about his mistakes going forward. He may be suffering from depression. Discuss with him and with his doctor some low dose anti depressants to see if that might help. Get all your paperwork done first off, your POA to help him when he needs that, make certain his will is done, even if a simple online one.
I wish you good luck. Don't negate it. Don't do the "it's alright" thing. It is NOT all right and lying won't help anything. What is important now is the present and the future. The past is gone.

Kitchenwitch, my dad made really bad choices in his life. He was a successful business owner that chose a wife that bankrupted him. So he went from a millionaire to living solely on his SS, he had $50.00 a month to call his own.

When he was sick, near death, totally broke, his wife divorced him. He had let her alienate him from everyone that loved him, for years.

That's when I got a call for help. Did he tell me what was going on when he asked for help? Nope! Told me that he was building a barn, wanted to move to my city to start a new life, he was divorcing her and he was doing great.

OMG, we went to help him move and wondered if we would be transporting a corpse.

Of course I couldn't not help. He was obviously dragging bottom and needed someone to give a care.

So, we brought him home, I knew that a comfortable place to be, a nice bed, good nutrition and a safe place would be so beneficial for him.

He was telling me that he was going to save up for deposits and get new furniture and start over.

Then he ends up in the hospital, he wasn't going to get better without some serious medical intervention and the odds of him recovering at all were pretty low. This was day four at my house.

I took over all of his finances, I was believing he would get better, that's when I found out that he was paying for his ex-thang, had sold a trailer and she took the money, meaning he had committed a crime and the new owner wouldn't be getting a title until this was taken care of. His plan was to keep paying for his whore and bailing himself out of the fraud, all while lying to us and living under our roof. AAAAHHHH! Who does that?

Anyway, it was a great eye opener for me. I couldn't pay the price for his choices. I couldn't kiss it and make it all better, I couldn't own his actions. I forgave him for what had come before and I was gutted that he came into my home under such false pretence.

I decided that he would have to own his actions. I cut his ex-thang off, I closed accounts, I cancelled insurance, phones, auto pays, everything, I saw the divorce papers, he didn't owe her a penny.

Then I nursed him through the hospital stay, 60 days of rehab, I took him to see his family 1200 miles away and I put him in a board and care that he could afford. He was pizzed, he told everybody that would listen how awful we were. The sad part, he never said a word to me. He was getting hauled to his appointments, he was being taken out to lunch, dinner, long drives, lots of enrichment activities, so he couldn't tell me without risking me being so available to help him.

He was so mad that it actually motivated him to get it together. He had dementia but, wasn't unsafe or very advanced, proper care and nutrition allowed him to get well enough to go live by himself.

Him having to deal with ALL the feelings, emotions and consequences of his choices actually improved the quality of his life.

Was it tremendously hard for me? The hardest thing I have ever done. It was worth the tears, heart ache and internal battle to see him doing what he wanted and finding some happiness, without conning me or anyone else. It made a difference for him, I believe. I saw his relationship with The Lord Jesus grow and bring him the first peace he had known in my lifetime.

I think stepping out of the way and letting adults own, process and accept what their choices have done, to themselves and others is a very good thing. I think it is really important, especially at the end of life, to make right, apologize and take responsibility for what we have done.

That's my experience and thoughts about protecting a parent or anyone from the reality of their choices.

I hope you find your way through this with peace and certainty in your heart.

I never made the present about his past, it was what it needed to be and I dealt with him on a daily basis. If he was ugly yesterday, that was yesterday. I don't believe in reminding anyone of their transgressions. We all have stuff.

From what I know the last " perfect" person was put on a cross.
We all make mistakes. Some small, some big, some HUGE.
While you should not "smooth" things over you can do your best to reassure him that you will help him as much as possible to take care of what you can.
While you can help him do not take over, let him do as much as possible that will help reinforce that there are consequences to choices that are made. With that hopefully he will not make more bad choices. HOWEVER if this is an ongoing problem and he continues to make bad choices you can not help him fix something that he continues to undermine.
That is all anyone can do.

I think this is the last task of life, to feel you have done well. That sort of "have I been a good Mom or Dad?" at the very end.

I don't know what your Dad has unresolved, whether financial messes, relationships or regrets. But if he is open to disclosing, is there something he can now do to improve or lighten his regret?

I once talked to someone (ostrich, good choice of word you used) who had covered over their debt with more debt then added guilt & so shame festered.

When first asked how to turn this around he was full of denial & defensiveness.

But once he owned his mistakes, accepted he was not perfect, was a good guy really who just stuffed up a bit - he found a way to make things a bet better. Heaviness of regret/shame lifted.

Like if you have a huge credit card debt, you can still feel good about yourself if you make a payment plan.

Or if old relarionships were left with scars, penning an apology letter can help.

Maybe your desire to smooth things can help him to find his own resolution?

My situation sounds like it could be similar to your situation. If it is I'm sorry.

My dad is a nice enough guy. He worked hard. He received a few inheritances that should have set himself and his family up for a comfortable and happy retirement. But he liked to gamble in the stock market. Anytime he had any little money he'd "invest" until it was gone. He worked until he was unable to work anymore at 78 years old. He has no assets, no savings, no house. Absolutely his fault.

Although he regrets his choices he says random things that show he'd do it again. When he says these things I blow up inside. I'm furious and hurt all over again. When I go home to visit I'm angry all over again. I wish I knew how to get past it. Therapy helps a little but not much.

For some crazy reason I feel guilty for him being on Medicaid and in nursing home care. It feels like I should do more and be a 'good son.' But that's that's a mistake. I have to remind myself that his mistakes should only hurt him. If quit my job, moved across the country, cared for him at home then he'd be happy - I'd be a 'good son.' I'd also be screwing myself and others by perpetuating the cycle of burdening future generations for my choices.

So how do I deal with it?

I remind myself that his mistakes should not be passed on to future generations. I protect my family by taking care of myself. I do what I can reasonably do to support his needs; I remind myself that his wants are not my problem. I remind myself not to screw myself or anyone else to make him happy.

He never apologized. Now with his dementia he never will. I've lost my temper with him when he says I should do certain things for him. I'd like to punch him in the face but that's illegal.

If you figure out how to unfeel a guilt that you did nothing to cause then please let me know.

We all have made choices that we later regret. It might help your dad to know he is not the only one with regrets in life. Then, tell him that you admire that he is doing something about his past choices - to fix ones he can and to not make similar choices now. Let him know if his past choices have hurt you or others as reinforcement to not continue on that path, but reassure him of your love and support in his efforts. If you can find ways to forgive his past behavior that will help your stress levels.

You and he are doing good - even if he never finally redresses all the wrongs - since you are making efforts together.

Ask reflective questions, i.e., How do you feel about . . .
Listen. You don't have to do any more than listen and respond in a neutral way.
IF you respond in a pro or con, it may also negatively affect you and you want to avoid this.
* This is done.
* Why do you want to 'hold him to account' --- for what ? what he has done? Why would you want him to do that since he can't do anything about it? Consider your 'end plan' - and the point of how you proceed. What do you want to get out of this?
- Would holding him accountable now for the past change him from the present into the future? Likely not with the exception of not having the finances to do what he may want to do (and/or you/r family).
* No, you do not have to 'hide anything'. You speak in the 'shoulds (or should nots here). The shoulds are a sign that something isn't right, perhaps guilt induced or some emotion you feel conflict about - (which, I understand is part of the reason you posted this here for feedback/support).
* You don't mention if your dad has dementia or his age.
* Realistically, you 'telling' him to let things go, including the stress, and enjoy life would not make any difference. What he feels / does is internal and his 'MO' for perhaps his entire life.
* I suggest all that you could do now in a positive move is assist or take control (as you can) of his finances so he doesn't continue to make poor financial choices.
* IT IS IMPORTANT to know his cognitive functioning - in order to know how to talk to him. Key though is you getting out the frustration and anguish you feel - and I feel it is better if you 'get it out' in a therapy session, talking to family or friends, and not him. How you speak to him may (?) keep his stress going, i.e., feeling bad about what he's done and how; feeling frustrated and sad for you/family that is missing out due to his decision making from the past.
* It is water under the bridge. I'd say
(1) take care of yourself as you need to;
(2) try reflective listening - reflect back what you hear him saying - so he can talk about it - get it out and you remain neutral.
(2a) You could talk about self-compassion and what this means to you in a more objective way for him to consider. ... after you consider what it means to you! It could be a good conversation opener (for both of you perhaps).

Gena / Touch Matters

When I went to a lawyer to handle Moms house I said I hope I had done everything right up till then. He said if I hadn't, no matter, we are starting from today.

Tell Dad you are glad he sees how his actions effect everyone else. But nothing he can do about the past. But, you are there to straighten out what u can for the future.

Maybe he needs to talk to a therapist.

Kitchenwitch, one more thing: All these people who can wipe their feelings away, who say to forgive and be happy, who say you should just enjoy your time with him... they're bats**t crazy.

When someone does wrong and it hurts you I say it's okay to be pissed. When those wrongs ricochet threw the years and hurt you over and over again it's fine to be pissed off again.

Today I learned of another stupid thing my dad did. He changed his Medicare/Medicaid during open season. Tenth time in four years. Now I'll have to untangle his mess again, maybe pay another doctor out of pocket again. Why? Because he's trying to get Medicare money back so he can buy stocks and get rich. He said, "I'm going to invest in COVID stocks. They're going to hit big." Christ almighty. He doesn't get money back when he's on Medicaid.

Feel free to feel pissed. It's either that or fratricide.

I hear you kitchenwitch xxxx and deckaidit’s so hard to move on and be full of love when you’ve been hurt.
all we can do is listen, and not stick the knife in. I have a testing relationship with my mum, when it’s good is great, when it’s bad and she’s full on narcissistic I want to move to the other side of the world. She’s 82 I’m 49. It’s been like it for years. I’m in therapy. I know your situ is completely different but it’s a similar root in how we cope with repeated behaviours that hurt us.
at this stage I just take the good days, take a walk away from it when it feels hurty and listen and be with mum and dad when it’s good. It’s so important to let him feel what he feels but equally you want to voice too. That’s when a third party can help for you to voice. Have you tried just listening to him without saying anything, He knows he’s ballsed up and like you say he’s a good guy at heart. That’s what I remind myself with mum and with dad when he’s being an arse too. Mum was on a cow last night when I stayed over to help with dads care, Told me I love you this morning. I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing, but see you later after work now I feel heartless but to be honest I just didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything, I don’t know if it’s right or wrong, but it felt better than bull or shouting xxxx

So many Q&As to this dilemma.
first we’ve all made stupid mistakes in our lives. Mistakes that have caused rippling effects on those around us. Mistakes or not, we all need grace and forgiveness for our indiscretions.
While grace may be given it does not take away from the fact that the consequences still remain. In that, your are doing an awesome job in still loving and caring for your dad.
I would ask, do you have a Durable Power of Attorney? If so, then exercise it to the fullest. Sell what ever needs to be sold, including his home if necessary. Liquidate all you can of his to clear up the matters. Don’t drag this out. BUT, don’t have him move in with you. Only offload the house if he has a care facility to go to. If he has no assets then you made need to have him made a ward of the state. This will be a tough decision and the consequences of that may also be ugly because the state doesn’t usually place folks in quality centers.
Has your father been officially diagnosed with dementia? If so, then likely he won’t be able to grant you a Health Care POA or the Durable POA.
I would speak with an elder care attorney and get some wise counsel on what your options are.
God bless you for your kindness to your dad. Do your best to show that in the midst of this turmoil.
The greatest gift of all is love.

You said he’s good hearted but made some mistakes financially and that he’s emotionally suffering over it- I don’t understand why you ask if you should help him feel better, maybe I misunderstood (?) I would hope you would automatically want to help him feel better, he’s already suffering it’s not as if he committed a malicious crime against someone, if he was a predator or awful person that’s different, but you describe him as good hearted and made mistake so of course I don’t see why you ask if you should help him feel better

Save yourself first !!! This needs to be a daily mantra.
Be honest about the stress this is causing you. You cannot sacrifice your life, which will directly impact those your love as well. This will not correct his past.

You could ask him if he wants to genuinely make amends and how does he think he can, do not solve this for him, he is not a child, he is an adult who made choices.

Try to stay in the present. yes you brought this situation upon yourself, you cannot change the past. How do you want to move forward, for here, because this is all we can do.

The best you can do is to help him with whatever options are available going forward.

No question that he’s miserable. But! His manipulative behavior has ruled his life and that of those who love him.

It’s not too late to get some balance in that relationship. You can discourage manipulative behavior by either.giving no response or by retreating from the conversation even if it’s momentarily. Respond with warmth and interest when he starts to let go of his manipulation.

At some point he’s gonna have a temper tantrum. He’ll become openly demanding. Successful reasoning with him is as unlikely as achieving reason with a screaming two-year old. Just continue by not reinforcing bad behavior and responding with warmth to improvements in how he treats you.

You have my loving support. You can do this!

First off.
We all make mistakes. Yes all... No one is perfect. Yes you and others feel hurt. But God has forgiven all of us when we ask and pray for that forgiveness. Let God sort it out...
Carrying anger, bitterness and resentment will only hurt you in the long run.
If he's of sound mind, gently tell him you feel hurt, but forgive him.
You will sleep better when that Cortisol stress hormone is not counting through your brain.
We never can change others. Never. We can only change our response to the behaviors. I have had to do this time and time again for 40 years of marriage and 60 years with my father.
Is it hard? Yes. But as time has gone on, I have seen that those mistakes or bad decisions made me the strong independent and forgiving person I try to be .
Blessings to you. Life here is very short compared to eternity. Perhaps call a nearby pastor to talk, or get some godly counsel.
All the best,

This is a road I traveled with my mother who is now passed. I will say this to you: How you deal with this problem that has also effected you and your family will determine how you come out of this episode in your life forever. This could affect your health and well-being if the stress isn’t handled. If need be, bring in a Cavalry of professionals to help him to cope. It will help everyone. I developed some life-threatening conditions because of the stress of caring for my mother for 10 years - and much of it had to do with her finances. Eventually she had to go on hospice and they were wonderful in helping her deal with things that I could not help with - just because she wouldn’t listen to me. Please reach out for help for you and your family because this is a biggie and your dad’s peace of mind affects you all. Make it more about you than him, or you will pay with your health.

It is ok to agree that he has made serious mistakes and needs to make whatever amends are possible. It sounds like he is asking for your forgiveness. If there is anything he has done right, and you say he is a good man, those things might go into the balance. If you are able to forgive him, tell him so. You can be honest; it there are remaining wounds or problems, you don't have to deny them. But leave a little room to reach some understanding. When my father was dying I asked him if there was anything he wished to discuss. He amazed me by apologizing for some very serious misbehavior towards me which he had never been able to discuss. He said he was crazy, and he was, but did not consider that an excuse, it wasn't really, but it was a true explanation. I was in the business, very crazy people can exist without harming others with bad behavior. Sadly, many can not. For me, the final admission was a healing moment. We were on much better terms until his death. It did not remove the harm that had been done, or the consequences, but it was good for both of us to air it and settle it as best we could. Believe me, that peace will be as good or better for you than him. You need some good things about a person who is part of you to hold onto, if possible. You don't have to pretend the other things don't exist.

It's obvious he is full of contriteness, and very aware of the mess he has made. Everything you do for him now will benefit both of you in the long run, including emotionally. One thing I would suggest is to use the services of a good elder care attorney who can guide you to have all documents in place, DPOA, Healthcare Proxy, Will/Trust etc and also take the proper steps to ensure his medical care (ex. Medicaid) down the line when he needs it. Many blessings for your compassion.

I'm writing a book that I started while caring for my Dad. Same thing. I did something called, "Ten things I love about you". Ask him to do the same. Tell him that life is about learning, and if you boil it down, we all fall short. God doesn't keep a talley. If we trust Him, He only sees us through what we can be.

My Dad had a father that was very violent. Bad relationship there. I read a book called "The Blessing". Everyone needs the blessing from their parents. If you knew your grandparents, do what I did. I told daddy that maybe he didn't know it, but Grandpa used to tell people how proud he was of my Dad, thus, even from the grave, giving the blessing to my Dad.
It all comes down to that. Living in the past and not letting it go. Help him let it go, and live for today. If you and h im have a good relationship, tell your dad that as long as you are with him, you want to get to know him. Give him validation that way, instead of sounding like you're trying to appease him. I pray this helps. It helped me.

Tell your dad that because you love him so much, you want to get to know the real him. Find a day to start fresh. Make it about NOW.

Being an adult means taking responsibilities for one's actions. Goes way back to childhood in the homes with parents who raised that child. Fast forward: what happened in the past is history, but now move forward with the best peace and comfort.

Both of you get to have your legitimate feelings; and both of you (all of you) must get on with it as is (sorry, I've been watching old 'Supernanny' videos on Youtube, lol...she's caring, wise, and practical!) It's OK for dad to know you and your family have some difficult feelings about the 'what is' and likely dad knows, which adds to his stress/sorrow, but it's now time to 'get on with it' and deal in the Now. We can all get bogged down in 'beating ourselves up' over 'woulda, coulda, shoulda' but it's unproductive when a new path must be made. That was then, this is now. You work with what you have in front of you; some things will be adequate, some things will just be 'cut your losses'. Sorry for these cliches, but 'that was then, this is Now' helps to be creative with what's on the table now. Regret, looking back, is a human habit but robs one of energy needed for current needs/goals; try to help everyone respond as if you've just come upon the current situation, as if you know nothing about how you got there, since in a way it's sort of like a 'emergency' you come upon where you have to briskly asses the absolute needs, and simply take remedial action. Forgiveness all around will help everyone move forward. All the best.

People don't need to be reminded of Mistakes . if he is on his Last legs have compassion . My Mom got to a Point she didnt pay any Bills - my Doctor and social worker said " Do you think she is dying because this is what dying people do ? " I had never dealt with a elderly person before . You don't want them giving every charity money or having someone rip them off but when people are sick they are vulnerable and the vultures appear . I would Just say " hey dad that's the past - lets get on with today - Live in the Moment . " because you never really Know how much more time they have left . No Point in crying over spilled milk .

I’m dealing with the same thing. Although there’s no one whom he harmed alive to apologize to.

I told him what’s done is done and now he needs to acknowledge his wrongs, forgive himself and do better.

You need to FORGIVE his mistakes!!! If he is nearing death ...then it is even more important now than ever before!!!

Have you ever made a mistake? No one is perfect. Please help him now when he needs you!

Your Dad sounds like my mom she’s done the same. She’s 90 years old has a very bad case of dementia. The damage she has cause for many years no family member wants to have anything to do with her. She doesn’t want to remember the past because she was a terrible parent. I have her going into Memory care it’s very hard trying to deal with her she has so much anger and she’s very hateful and mean. It’s the end of life for her and she thinks everyone needs to cater to her, not going to happen. Parents Will reap what they sow.

This thread is a bit like the ‘forgiveness’ differences of opinion. Perhaps some people are better at it than others, or perhaps there’s less to forgive. Perhaps it might be possible to say ‘it’s all in the past’, but perhaps it’s not in the past - the person is clearly just as much at fault as before.

It’s not easy to reconcile “I feel angry, frustrated, and sad both for him and for myself” with “how do I lovingly hold him to account”. In some cases you can’t “hold him to account”. The damage is done, he won’t hold himself to account, and you and others are still picking up the pieces, fall-out from the damage may still be continuing. “Lovingly” is more like reassurance for yourself, where you are judging your own behavior instead of his.

With my dreadful father, I did more than my sisters – traveling 12,000 miles to see him before he died. He hadn’t changed. I doubt if he regretted anything he’d done. This was the best I could do in the circumstances, but it certainly wasn’t lovingly.

Look after yourself and the people who depend on you, and walk away. Leave the whole mess to God.