He thinks he is just fine! This is far from reality!!! He is physically independent but his mind is deteriorating...
He does not cooperate with the lovely, competent Caregiver we have. He is quiet, withdrawn and does not want her help.
If I let her go, would my husband cooperate with the new one? Probably not, unless she leaves him alone. But, is that realistic?
His judgement is weakened by the progressive dementia. He cannot be left alone, even though he does not know that. What would you do?
What does the caregiver feel about the daily routine with your husband?
My mother, similarly, could not be left alone (falls risk, plus vascular dementia) but resented intrusion. Our very experienced main caregiver would sit quietly in a chair and read, and then when mother went off on her travels would accompany her without commenting or intervening more than necessary. Mother would say "I'm fine, there's no need to follow me" and Liz would say, for example, "no no, I was going this way, never mind me" and continue to follow her to the bathroom.
So if there is something similar going on, perhaps you could reassure the caregiver that you're not expecting miracles from her, and she shouldn't bang her head against the wall trying to engage your husband more than he's willing to be engaged.
Discretion is the better part of caregiving :) Especially when you have a reluctant caree.
My suggestion is to let your father get used to the caregiver's presence. Don't insist on him accepting her help. She can step in when he really must have help. Gradually, he will be more accepting.
My mom now thinks that the lady I hired is her niece and is always so happy when she comes.
Sometimes, a caregiver who is trained to work with dementia patients is helpful, but, there are no guarantees. My LO was more receptive to the trained caregivers in a MC unit, but, I'm not sure exactly why that happened. If you have a good person, who is patient and willing to work with caring for your LO, I'd hesitate to let them go. I'd also keep in mind that dementia usually has phases and his resistance to care could change as his condition progresses. Of course, that will bring on a whole new set of challenges, but, you can deal with that when they come.
I appreciate you taking the time to respond. What a caring group we all are!! You are right. I need help too.
I decided to keep her since she is also wants to stay and assist us.
Thanks for your encouragement!
I found an article on this website
aging Care.com, called
Handling Dementia outburst, written by Marlo Sollitto. He explains the reasons for rejecting the Caregiver’s help ( desperate need to be independent again) and suggests redirecting the patient, keeping a positive demeanor when dealing with them and always showing them that you are “ on their side”
Most, eventually forget that they did not like someone...
I held my ground and I told my husband that the Caregiver is here to help me. To my surprise, accepted it.
I use two caregivers from two agencies because I want to have a larger pool of backups if needed. Sometimes, they serve as each other’s backup. That way, my husband sees the same people all the time. If you use just one and he/she is ill, you are up the creek w/o a paddle.
As you said: “ wow” ! Our situation is sooooo similar!! Thank you for your response.
I have Long Term Care Insurance and I also decided , like you, to
have two Caregivers instead of one Live -in. It works well as sometimes one cannot come. I do not accept
substitutes because as you said, our spouse needs the comfort of familiar faces every day.
My husband was a Physics University Professor. He thinks he is still the same, except for his difficulty speaking. He does not
realize, and we do not tell him that
he has dementia and his mind is deteriorating... Painful to witness.
I do know that they are lucky for the fact that WE are searching for answers to help them
preserve their dignity and stay safe.
Sending you and ALL Caregivers a hug and a pat in the back for managing such a complicated, horrible disease.
PS Don’t forget to do something special FOR YOU today and every day. 🌹
Your words are wise. Thank you for responding. We are growing in knowledge as the disease grows too...
My husband does give orders to the Caregivers to take him to the Mecanic, to the Bank etc and he does not want them to help him.
He cannot communicate...
I agree that their relationship must be maintained, so I spoke with them ( they both have experience with Aphasia) and told them that I need to know anything out of the daily routine so I may guide them.
I must monitor the situation closely.
I am doing “ damage control”.
I told them to avoid conflict and confrontation. To be GENTLE, yet
POWERFUL
God bless us all!