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I do.



I’m an only child. I live in my house near my mom’s house. I set up 24-hour care for her, with her money. There are only very bad facilities in our area.



Over the years, I helped my elderly mom with many things. My mom has given nothing back. I didn’t mind in the beginning, because it was a few favors here and there. With time, I helped with an enormous amount of things.



The most valuable thing we have is our time (and health). I’ve given so much of my time to help her, for years. Things that can’t be delegated to other people. Not all problems can be hired out to someone else.



I feel very taken advantage of, also financially: in the sense that I gave a lot of my time. My work suffered. She gave nothing back.



(AC, I see that I can only choose as a category for example “Elder Abuse”, “Arthritis”, etc. I suggest you please add the category “Exploited/Abused Caregivers”)



Now I focus on my work. I already solved her problems. So the situation now is different. I’m talking about the past years.



I would never dream of giving nothing back, if someone helped me that much, for years. Someone’s time is precious. If I wouldn’t give back, it would be like keeping a slave around.



Anyone else feel financially taken advantage of? Exploited/abused in some way?

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It is amazing how much they think we should give in support of them. If my late teen kids came down to visit my father or take him someplace, he'd gave them $10 for gas. When I lost my job he assumed that meant I would have more time to drive him around and visit daily. I finally told him I couldn't afford the gas to do that and he was outraged I would expect him to give me gas money....FYI I did not ask for that I just told him that was why I would not be there daily. Other times if I picked something up at the store for him it was never "what do I owe you?" it was "Do I owe you anything?" That really rubbed me the wrong way. No Dad, Walmart gave me that pack of underwear for free.
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ventingisback Jul 2023
(((Hug)))

For me, it’s a matter of time. I spent sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
much time helping. Did I mention to you, I spent a lot of time helping?

I would never do that to my kid, without:
1. Giving something back, in addition to showing a lot of gratitude.
2. Saying sorry that so many unnecessary admin things were dumped on my kid.
3. Showing empathy for the unfair dumping.
4. Correcting the unfair dumping; finding some way to un-dump problems that should never have been dumped on my kid in the first place.
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For the first time ever, I’m thinking maybe I should just quit. I help with nothing more.
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david1950 Jul 2023
I think you should consider quitting. No one should be an unpaid slave.

Your mom is mentally competent, so, even though there are tasks, which can’t be delegated to another person, your mom will just have to find someone else to do it, not you. Enough slavery already. I bet on top of all that time you spent helping, she’s also abusive to you. A kind parent doesn’t exploit their child. She’s an unjust person.
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I think, as you pointed out, some elderly moms are intentionally wanting to destroy your life. A loving elderly parent doesn’t just keep taking, without looking at how that affects her kid. A few favors? Fine. But years of your life, solving her problems? And the parent just keeps taking, not giving a single thing back in return? It takes zero effort for example, for your mom to ask someone to help order online, some flowers for you. Small gestures that say, thanks. There are also financial gestures.

Something. Some gesture. Instead I understand, your mom gives nothing.

In such a case, I’d say your mom is doing it intentionally. Not all moms have their daughter’s best interests at heart.

She might even enjoy that you’re upset that you’re taken advantage of. Lots of negative emotions. She might love that, because it tears away at your life.

My advice is, be careful of your mom. I don’t think she has your best interests at heart. She might be wanting to destroy you.
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ventingisback Jul 2023
Yes!
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My parents died young, so I never had to take care of them. But I feel for you, Venting. In your shoes, I would be angry too. It’s the difference between doing just a few favors, and all out giving a huge amount of your time.

I’m not sure how I would handle it, and as you pointed out you had to help again today. It’ll probably keep happening: your mother needing help and you spending a lot of time helping, unpaid. As you said, it’s like a slave.

I know that if my kid helped a lot, I would give back in some way.
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I will also add that my father took care of me and my brother very well growing up. He sacrificed so much and everything was geared towards our well being. Like most parents, he spent countless dollars of on us over the years. So caring for him for a decade was a pleasure for me. It was my brother and his wife that tried to take advantage of me AND when they didn't get their way they expressed it in abuse language and actions.

I think everyone should take of their parents the best they can; that is if their parents cared well for them during their childhood and adolescence (and for some beyond).
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I need to say it:
Any one of you who’s been exploited, or abused, that elderly parent is despicable.
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It’s pretty common, it appears. The question is, what can be done about it? As far as caregivers go, it’s sometimes a shock that parents don’t have enough money or that parents see no need to reimburse their adult children for even incidental expenses.
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ventingisback Jul 2023
I so agree. Thanks.
(((Hug)))
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Noticed a discussion on the internet among 20 year-olds:
Question:
Will you care for your parents when they’re elderly?

Almost everyone said yes, and super enthusiastically.

All I can think is, “Yeah you haven’t done it for one day yet. Let’s see how enthusiastic you are when you actually do it…in particular if it’s for years, your parent shows almost no gratitude, your parent is difficult or abusive…and the problems keep piling on top of you, affecting your life…”
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NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2023
Venting,

When my kids said to me, “Mom, we will care for you like you care for grandma.” My response was, Like hell you will! I love you entirely too much to expect that of you. I want you to live your own lives.
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My Dh and his sibs are currently caring for their mother in her home 24/7.

I am sure that they feel exploited and used, yet they do not make any moves to change that dynamic, so it is what it is.

Nobody (but mom) is happy. She's not even happy, truth be told.

She is well off, financially, but the kids routinely pick up the tab for any little things that she needs or wants. DH simply pays for whatever he's had tp buy for her and is not reimbursed, far as I know. I stay well out of it all.

Yes, at some point she'll go and we will inherit a nice chunk of change--I just think DH will be too old and worn out to get much use of any inheritance.

I know we are not alone in this kind of situation.
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ventingisback Jul 2023
(((Hug)))
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Great idea to add abused caregivers category.
So many are suffering and it is still subject not many professionals even recognize.
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Thanks for everyone’s replies. I appreciate it!
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I agree with you. My parents were adamant about living ‘independently’ For a long time they could. I think they just assumed they would die peacefully in their bed. Tried to get them to consider AL but the nastiness and accusations about my motives were not even something I can describe. I gave up.

I spent years going back to NYC from California where I now reside to help out. My relationship with my mother has deteriorated. I only come back for my sister because I don’t feel it is fair that she get stuck with everything. We have another sister who is also local but does nothing.

Yes I resent having given up a huge chunk of my time to my mother. Since I have been coming back our relationship deteriorated tremendously. Things were said by my mother to me and about me that I can’t let go of.

if it wasn’t for my sister I would have walked away.
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ventingisback Jul 2023
I totally get what you say.

It’s really very SELFISH behavior of these elderly parents. SELFISH and…

Maybe even intentionally wanting to destroy your life. Someone who cares about you, doesn’t want to exploit you, doesn’t want you to be a slave.

I think some elderly parents exploit you, also with the intentional and consciously-chosen AIM of destroying your life.

There’s a fine line between accidentally destroying your adult child’s life (by exploiting them, taking and taking their help; time)…and intentionally doing so. When the elderly parent clearly sees they’re exploiting, clearly sees they’ve created a slave…and yet they continue…then it’s not so innocent. It’s intentional: sabotaging, ruining your life on purpose.

Not all parents have their child’s best interests at heart: on the contrary. In fact, some want to destroy your life.
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She must feel as if you owe her because you are her child. It isn’t right but a lot of parents feel like that.

I never want my children to feel like they owe me anything. I chose to have kids. It was my job to raise them.
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ventingisback Jul 2023
I totally agree with you. But actually she doesn’t feel I owe her: she herself didn’t help her elderly parents.
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I have distant relatives, like my mom has some cousins. They all tell her, she’s exploiting me, and yet she just does nothing, gives nothing back. (Also, she didn’t take care of her elderly mom).
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venting,

Sure, I think most long time caregivers have felt what you are describing.

I find it is best to honor your feelings and then move on as best as you can. The past is gone. We have today to enjoy.
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ventingisback Jul 2023
True. Today however, I expressed to her how I feel exploited. It’s not the first time we have this conversation.

Today she needed help with a financial matter (again, it’s something that can’t be delegated to another person). I helped; it took hours. And I also pointed out that I’m being exploited.
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Absolutely. I took care of my father for about 10 years while he and his wife traveled the world in luxury. When then came back my father moved to be near them, about 2000 miles away. Five years later I moved there. As soon as I got here my brother made it clear that I needed to step up financially and give time for my father. I did what I could be it wasn't enough. I tried to explain my situation but no. They, my brother and wife, didn't care at all what I did for my father in the past. All that mattered was NOW. Not the future. NOW.

When I lived at the seaside years ago my brother and girlfriend (not wife) gladly visited and stayed with me numerous times. They didn't even bring a cake or anything. No problem. I didn't care. I was so happy they could visit. Everything was great. When my brother got sick my father dropped everything to be with him. I took care of my father's house and affairs during this time which lasted months. When my brother got depressed I took care of him.

Now me and my brother and his family rarely speak. We don't do anything together anymore and never will. I have seen just how greedy and selfish they are. They are ingrates and I decided when I move out of here I'm not telling them anything, not where I'm moving to, not what I will be doing, nothing. I do not care.

So yes I have experienced similar to what you have and my guess is so have lots of other honorable people.
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lisatrevor Jul 2023
I meant to say: "I took care of my father for about 10 years while my brother and his wife traveled the world in luxury.". I didn't mean my father traveled.
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