Has anyone made the decision to bring your LO back home after trying memory care?

My 95 y/o mother has lived in Assisted Living since 2014; she started falling in late 2015 and since then, she's taken 90 falls. NINETY. She's lived in Memory Care since June of 2019 and during that time, she's fallen 50x. It's nobody's 'fault' that she falls, and no matter where she lives, it's going to happen b/c she's very old (95), has advanced dementia and thinks she can walk when she can't. She also refuses to ask for help or pull the string when she needs to use the bathroom. Falls happen, even when the elder lives at home with her children, falls happen. My mother has only had a couple broken ribs and sternum bones as a result of ALL THESE FALLS, believe it or not. The MC has all sorts of alarms in place for her; in her bed & on her recliner, but by the time the alarm goes off, she's already on the floor.

Your mother fell and was only bruised, thankfully. No matter where you place her, she is likely going to fall again, even with supervision. There is no such thing as 24/7 supervision in any managed care facility on earth; even if you were to hire someone to sit with her 24/7, she can STILL fall b/c that's just the way it goes. The aide will have to use the bathroom or take a break herself; so your mom will be 'unsupervised' at some points throughout the day no matter WHAT. And then there's sleep; no aide will stay up all night long to watch mom sleep and make sure she stays asleep. Many of my mother's falls have been out of bed.

So don't dwell on falls or be unrealistic about the fact that they happen to elders and there's nobody to blame, really. As far as the ER goes, I would think if your mom had a lung collapse or pneumonia, they'd have admitted her, right? Then again, I had to have my mother taken to the ER recently for chest pain, and they gave us the bum's rush, to be honest with you. She didn't have Covid, so they wanted her OUT of there, gave her a blood test (for chest pain) and off she went. The EKG was given to her in the ambulance, it was normal, so that was that. No CT scan for a pulmonary embolism (which is what I think was going on), nope. Disgraceful how they treat elders these days, imo.

In my opinion, it sounds like your mother might be better off in a SNF, certainly not independent living with 24/7 supervision. She has too many issues/needs to warrant having only one person in charge of her care. She's like my mother in that she would do better with an entire team looking after her. And in a SNF, they have the equipment to look after her properly vs. a Memory Care which is more limited in what they can do. For example, my mother was getting horrific nose bleeds from her blood thinners; each time at the AL and the MC, she'd be sent off to the ER in an ambulance to get them to stop the bleeding. When she was in a SNF for rehab after a hospital stay, she got a nose bleed and THEY handled it there w/o even calling me! No ER visit, nothing. They were able to get the bleeding to stop in short order. If she were in a SNF, I don't think you'd need to get an apartment closer to your mom, either, b/c they wouldn't be calling you every 15 minutes like they do in a Memory Care ALF! Trust me, I know..........I've gotten 3 or 4 calls a DAY from the MC on some days. My mother is this-close to needing a SNF herself, and even closer to running out of money to private pay for the MC, so I'll be going the SNF route myself come summertime.

Wishing you the best of luck finding the right situation for your mom. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace; I feel your pain when you say you're a nervous wreck.

You provided 11 years of care for mom. It became too much and you had to place her in MC. She's going to need that much care or more so please do not try to bring her back to your home. It will be too hard.

I'm sorry you're a nervous wreck. But I think it's time for you to take a few deep breaths and try to calm down and stop worrying so much. You're going to make yourself sick! Maybe try to accept that things are not going to be perfect, no matter what choices you make. Give yourself credit for making the best choices that you are able to. You've done your best. Be nice to yourself.

Falls happen. Often. That's a fact that we all need to accept. No matter how much care is given.

I would think that a SNF would be your best bet. At home 24/7 is tough and as you know keeping caregivers is difficult at best. Leaving a huge burden on you when things don't work out. It's really not seeming like the best plan for you. I think you getting an apartment closer is a bad idea. Keep your life where you are. Your mom is being taken care of - no need to uproot yourself.

Good luck.

As others have said, falls happen. They even happen when people are watched.

Unless she needs actual skilled nursing-level care, I'd leave her in MC. She'll be even more neglected in skilled nursing if she's not bedridden and needing constant attention. They also don't handle dementia well, at least not in my experience.

Just breathe and ask yourself whether the care she'd get with a burned-out you is better than the care where there's more staff, more interaction with others, and a memory care program. Yes, the no-restraint thing is annoying, but that's the law nowadays, so they do what they can within the allowed parameters.

Just a note to let you know that I understand your frustration.

My mother just took her first fall last week. I was a wreck.

Perhaps, write a journal entry as if you were writing on the day before your mom entered Memory Care.

Only people who have dealt with the 24 hour care of a patient with dementia will understand.

As you re-read this “journal” , you will see that you can’t manage this again, just like you decided years ago.

You’re that much older, and the situation with the pandemic makes health care and caregiving availability that much harder. It was impossible then, even more so, now.

Those of us in your situation UNDERSTAND.

Each time you feel this way again, come back here. One of us will be here to help support you.

I did this ... don't

Min background my mom had mild dementia, but to the point she couldn't live alone, . She lived with me for 6 mo. During that time, I finally convinced her to do AL. I was beyond stressed and sleep deprived with all the togetherness at my small home. And her I increasing dementia and agnosia made for a tense environment. Convinced her to "try" AL near me. I think she agreed just to say she did and then go home.

AND then a fall.. she was with my daughter at her house. And was coming downstairs with daughter. My daughter stepped away on last step to make sure dog didn't get in way, and mom thought she was down and missed last step... broken cheekbone and hand. 1 week before move, and that made a cognitive step down.
BUT still thought it would work. I'd be close by to help go with her to activities, take her to hometown for visits,family dinners at home. So a few weeks later she moved in.

AND then....2 weeks after move in ...COVID.. I was locked out and couldn't help, but could still visit outside...and then the first staff case, the med dist. tech. Full lockdown, mom on isolation, eating in room, only activities were doorway chair bingo or exercises.

She started hallucinating, we would video call and she would talk to people who weren't there. And then the reports started coming in about people dying in senior homes. I panicked and took her home. We kept paying, thinking that we would beat the curve and things would be normal soon. Yeah, right. Six weeks later I was begging them to let her come back. She had started sundowner back. Storming out of house looking for children.

They took her back two weeks later but in Memory Care. Which was better because while staff masked, the residents did not, and they all ate together no staying in room unless they had an illness. But it was hard with lockdown. But necessary.

I had no privacy, she was peeing in trash cans,I had to put up baby gates on the kitchen, block the doors at night. But I was always half awake listening for her, or she was calling out. It was the worst time for all of this in 2020. And there were falls, I used to dread the 1 am phone call. Mary was found on the floor by her recliner, but she's ok. Or do you want to transport to Er or for EMS to evaluate.
She would see a small piece of paper on the floor, and try to pick it up, neat freak, dementia didn't change that and lose balance on the way up.
Unless there is someone sitting right there, falls will happen. Falls will happen in your home too. Bc you will be cooking dinner or getting her a drink or getting the laundry out of the dryer. And then that is when they will get up. There is a sweet lady in mom's Memory Care, who when she first moved in used a cane but now has a walker. But she us always getting up to do something and they are bringing her the walker. Ms Mildred you need to use this, it's right next to her, but she doesn't think about it.

I think it's a little like childbirth. You kind of forget the labor pains and sleepless nights when you want another one.
Write down all the reasons she is in care. Those reasons probably still exist, plus maybe new ones? Incontinence etc?

You are still taking care of someone when you don't care for them in your home.

gelleng, are there any nursing homes closer to you? I know there are times when someone is being discharged from the hospital, they are placed in the closest bed available at that time, even if it is across the city. Later, one could re-locate that love one closer to home if there is an open bed.

The only way you could bring your Mom home is if you were able to duplicate a nursing home setting at your home. Plus hire caregivers around the clock to keep a watch on your Mom, which is extremely expensive. She needs a village.

I know you want to do what is best for Mom. But you also need to do what is best for yourself. Please note that up to 40% of caregivers taking care of a love one at home die leaving behind that love one. Not good odds. Let the pros take care of her.