I have a relative in a nursing home that I have been responsible for during the last 5 years. The nursing home is an hour and an half drive from my home. Other family members live in different parts of the country and are not available to help. I have been delaying surgery on a very painful foot (my foot) condition for the past year because I would not be able to drive for 2 months after the surgery. I am concerned I would not be able to get to the nursing home if there were an emergency situation.
I am truly struggling with this situation, and I think it would help me if I could hear how other people have handled a situation like this.
Thank you.
Then I came to my senses and saw the surgeon.
Seriously, take care of your own health! The relative in the home has his/her needs being met.
I cringe when you say you have foot pain. A friend ignored his and just had it amputated due to post-injury osteomyelitis. Sure, you might not be able to drive to the home in an emergency. Or you may become the emergency.
Do you see how ridiculous this all sounds? You would rather live in bad pain with your foot just so you can be available for this relative, in case there is an "emergency situation" instead of getting out of pain and being able to live and enjoy your life without pain.
I'm sorry but that is messed up. You sadly and obviously don't think much of yourself now do you?
While I was caring for my late husband at home, I ended up having to have 7 surgeries in 7 years(between 2011-2018), including a total hip replacement, and while my daughter did stay with us for 10 days after my hip replacement, she then had to return to her own family and I was on my own to care for my husband and myself all by myself.
And by 2018 my husband had taken a definite turn for the worse. In fact 2 weeks after my hip replacement surgery he ended up in the hospital for 10 days and because I couldn't drive yet, and was walking slower than normal, I had to have friends and neighbors drive me to the hospital so I could be with him.
We do what we have to for those we love, but that love has to be for ourselves as well.
So please get that foot taken care of sooner than later, and if need be you can always call an Uber if you feel you need to get to the nursing home for an "emergency."
Seriously, they are in the best place possible, with 24/7 care. So you go 2 months without driving there? What if you were in an accident tomorrow and could never drive again? Then what?
Stop suffering and get it done. Do you have 24/7 nursing care at home now? Get a Home RN scheduled (I have one and love them) and get grocery delivery arranged, etc. Focus on getting and feeling better! Worrying about the relative won't fix your foot. Get everything arranged ahead of time and take that pain away! YOU GOT THIS!
No, in an emergency you would not be able to get there.
This person is care.
In an emergency the care center handles the situation as the POA has dictates it be handled, there are phones, and care is transferred from care center to Hospital to EMS. You are not directly involved and you are not directly needed.
There are phone hookups.
This is life. Emergencies happen all the time. When my brother was in care I was at the other end of the state, access only by plane and covid hit. Life didn't stop. In fact he WAS hospitalized, he did need to go back to his ALF on Hospice and he did die without me there. No matter we were for our lifetimes Hansel and Gretel hand in hand in the dark woods, in the end we COULD NOT BE.
You know who you are. Your loved one knows who he/she is. You both are doing the best you can.
In life we expect the unexpected, or we are in for a whole lot of surprises.
Stop worrying about the future.
Stop putting off care you need.
They are trained professionals who know how to deal with falls, insects in ears, residents who crawl under the bed and others who forget how to put on their socks. What on earth could HAPPEN that you and your recently operated foot would have to do? Or even should do?
Take care of yourself. During your recuperation, you can call the nursing home every fifteen minutes or so if it would make you feel better, but they'd probably beg you to stop. THEY'VE GOT THIS, so you don't have to.
You're welcome.
Get your foot fixed !
I surely wish you good luck. Hope you'll update us.
My SIL put off necessary surgery while caregiving for my FIL. Against ALL of our wishes mind you - and by the time she was able to start considering her own surgery - she had overcompensated with the other limb so much that she needs surgery on BOTH!
If there is an emergency situation - the staff are trained in how to handle it. You might be surprised how many people are in facilities with NO family nearby to visit. You have taken care of them for 5 years and and now they are somewhere safe where you can take the time to minister to your own needs. Don't let your own health get any worse.
I told my SIL if she didn't do something soon she was going to be the one that n needed a caregiver.
Live and learn, right? Hindsight is 20/20!
You mother could outlive you , then she would end up in a facility anyway .
She walked on this badly broken foot for so long, the actual surgery was far more intense than previously deemed. She's off her foot for 12 weeks. If she'd had the surgery 2 years ago it would have been 4-6 weeks.
She lived as a slave to her mother and got the 'boys' heavily involved. It was horrible, from start to finish. We're just now recovering from the trauma that caring for a sick, angry, mean woman bestowed upon the only 3 people in the world who cared about her.
The reason SIL wouldn't even consider placing her mother in care was the old "If we put her in a home, she'll hate us and she'll die". OK. Personally, I could've lived with that but I'm an inlaw. No voice.
The kids did end up placing her in Feb. of this year. She died 8 days after moving to the ALF.
SIL finally had her surgery, but the damage she did by walking for 2 years on a broken foot has cost her dearly.
Even to have had MIL placed for the 4-6 weeks that SIL needed to heal from the injury was never discussed or considered.
How many caregivers come here to talk about this very thing? Putting everything on the back burner b/c you feel you cannot leave a LO in care for a respite or a vacation, or even just a break?
Now MIL has passed, my DH says he regrets completely retiring so he could help take care of his mother. Hindsight is 20/20. SIL doesn't SAY it, but I know she has some regrets too.
It will take a long time for these adult kids to heal. SIL's ankle/foot will never be OK. That's the price she paid for her slavish attention to her mother.
My DH is suffering from serious depression, not b/c his mother died, but b/c his life is not what he thought it would be. He was 'forced' into retiring from a job he dearly loved and was fantastic at. I wish he would go back, PT.
Today he has refused to get out of bed. Simply won't talk, won't get up and is thoroughly depressed. I just now went and shut the bedroom door so I don't have to look at him. He needs therapy and better meds and he doesn't have the energy to do ANYTHING. He does this '24 hour nap' several times a week.
I blame the year of intense CG for his Mother for all of this. IF he or his OB had stood up to YS a YEAR ago, she would have been placed in an ALF then. Instead we all suffered from the constant upheaval of our daily lives.
I was badly affected. Our marriage only survived b/c I spent as much time away from my DH as I could. My SIL (OB's wife) has some kind of dementia and she definitely took a nose dive in the year. Not doing well at all, now. OB isn't even speaking to his sibs, he's so over it.
SIL is laid up with a foot that will NEVER be OK.
6 lives impacted in a very negative way. I saw this coming and expected it. No one person is SO SPECIAL that they get to ruin someone else's lives.
My MIL will go down in history as one of the most selfish, hateful women I have ever known.
Even though she's gone--she's not gone.
Being a caregiver is one of the toughest jobs in the world. It’s so important to find a healthy balance in our lives.
My caregiver days are long over. Mom died in 2021.
I don’t think we fully grasp how much it affected us until we look back. Then, we say to ourselves, ‘What in the world was I thinking?’ I wasn’t living my life. I was just going through the same motions day after day.
We don’t have super powers. We are mortals who shouldn’t expect anything more from ourselves than we would expect others to do for us.
I will never ask my daughters to go above and beyond for me like I did for my parents.
Wishing you peace.
Like what? Fire, flood, earthquake?
First responders will help.
A health emergency?
Paramedics will help.
An event making you want to visit?
You will use you phone.
To talk to NH staff.
To talk to ER or hospital staff.
To make video calls.
Staff can be found to assist if your LO cannot work a phone independanty.
If the worst happened & your LO became unwell & was expected to pass away, you would find someone to drive you there.
If you could not find a driver, or your LO was expected to pass before you could get there, you will have staff hold the phone to your LO's ear to say goodbye. (Hearing is the last to go they say).
No-one can plan for every scenario.. so that's some.
Have the confidence you WILL be able to problem solve for anything.
Also that you can trust others (in the short time you are in surgery or recovering).
Now, use some of your kindness towards your foot ❤️🦶
I think nearly Every caregiver neglects their own health needs when taking care of another. And we all hear the same empty platitudes that we need to take care of ourselves, and we know that.
However, from what you describe, Why are YOU feeling responsible to care for your loved one IN A NURSING HOME? That is the job of the nursing home!
Go get your foot surgery! Call and schedule it NOW!
If there is an emergency situation, you will find a way to get there, IF you need to. And what if there is no emergent situation for years to come? Are you going to wait to take of yourself, just in case?
Take care of your health. Caregivers are usually in the worst health because of constantly putting off surgeries, and other needed mental/healthcare to take care of someone else. No, their life is not more important than yours. You are taking care of them and doing a good job at it. However, who will take care of you when you need it?
Looking back, I worked for a horrible staffing agency and was promoted to a staffing coordinator making about thirty dollars more per week than when I worked the fields as a home health aide. The agency paid me peanuts. I was on-call constantly and not being paid extra from the company. The company lost its medicaid accreditation because of fraudulent billing practices that was uncovered during a survey. Later, I found out that I was hired to help clean up the mess the former management team had created. On top of all that, I was going to be out of a job. I was stuck with my sister, daughter and a house that dad refused to repair. I lost the job and pounded the pavement going on fruitless job interviews back then while drawing unemployment. I finally landed a job that lasted until I retired.
To people who have quit their jobs: Go back to work. You will need your income, medical insurance, and eventually retirement benefits. Don't let your love one guilt you into giving up your job with promises of an inheritance. This rarely happens. This is an old manipulative ploy to keep you in a situation that will cut time off your life. As their life gets smaller, so will yours. No healthy thinking parent will expect you to give up your life to take care of them draining you of what productive years you have left.
Do not give up your independence. Many caregivers ended up homeless after their loved one passed away. This doesn't include the greedy relatives who are willing to sell the family property to get their fair share.
I was away several times for my aunt and mom. I left notice that during an emergency, I would be available by phone to acknowledge any need to go to the ER. it did happen when I was on a trip several hours away and I did not drop everything that day. When I was out of country, my cousin was the back up for emergency needs.
If an emergency happened and one of them needed discharge the department would and could handle return transportation. I was also POA so that I could handle any bills that incurred.
Is there any compelling reason that you could not handle communication other than the short time you would have anesthesia?
Don’t follow my example. Find a way to put yourself first even for a few hours on a given day.