For several months, I have been telling my 72-year-old mother that she needs to hire some in-home help for laundry, light cleaning, and grocery shopping. She needs to have a backup plan, because quite frankly, I'm getting burned out and I need to take an occasional break. She lives 40 minutes away, so at least it's not that far. But the weekly visits take about a half day to accomplish everything.
But my requests to come up with a back up plan go in one ear and out the other. She has the money to hire someone, but she won't budge.
I had a social worker from Visiting Nurses (agency is now providing in-home PT and nursing services following her month-long hospital visit in June) talk to her about the same thing. The social worker told me today that my mom seems resistant to the idea, which was not news to me. However, in a few weeks, no one will be coming into her home every week. It'll just be me. And I'm not going to be able to provide the level of care/assistance she needs.
So I am at a loss. My mom has no incentive to do anything differently because I keep going over every week and doing all the laundry, grocery shopping, etc. And she does need assistance. Most times, I'm happy to help, but I feel like I can't take a break. So I've decided that she's not going to do anything differently unless she has to and until I force the issue. So I've decided I'm going to start going over there every other week. I feel guilty about doing this, but my mom is apparently not as concerned about my health and well-being as I am about hers. And I'm starting to feel very resentful and angry that she won't even meet me halfway. I've given her fair warning, though. So I figure this is the only way to force the issue. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of ...
I'm interested to hear how others have handled similar situations and whether you have any suggestions.
You may be interested in checking out a post I generated and has several ladies and a gent with problems that we have had with our personality disorder parents dissussing our issues. You may glean some advice from that post as well. "mentally ill parent".
We'll see what happens. I think the only way for me to force the issue is to not be as available. I feel horrible going about it this way, but she's not going to budge otherwise. And appealing to the mother in her (e.g. I'm so exhausted from work, etc. etc. I really could use some extra help), isn't working either. I don't want to feel angry and resentful about this, but I do. She's concerned about spending $17 per hour for a home-healthcare agency to come for about three hours at a time, but apparently is perfectly willing to have me continue to wear myself into the ground. So MY health/well-being, etc. is not worth the roughly $60 she'd have to pay at least every other week to get some extra help.
My mom lives in an apartment attached to my house, so she's "alone" but not really because I'm right here. When she got to the point where she was unsteady enough on her feet for me to be concerned about falling, and hence really not able to be left alone, I told her that I just couldn't do it all anymore, not everyday. So I hired a lady to stay with her one day/week as a companion/light housekeeping. I put an ad in the local paper, $50/day for 8 hrs, and had LOTS of response, and good people. She totally resisted it at first, but I didn't give her any choice, and the ladies (I'm up to 2 ladies, 2 days for "backup" in case one quits) have become her friends, very kind, very caring, and she looks forward to their visit. It took a while for her to accept it, but she finally did. You might try someone for just 4 hrs to get her used to the idea. That would take care of housekeeping and laundry. Many grocery stores will deliver to invalids or the homebound if you ask. Perhaps you could look into that.
I think most of our elderly parents are penny pinchers, they grew up that way because they lived through the depression and had to scrape and save. Are you an only child? Has your mom given you power of atty, do you have any legal basis to work with her finances and bills should she become incapacitated? If not, it's important that someone be appointed while she is still mentally able to convey her wishes.
Everything is relative, I suppose. I definitely would not be able to live next door to her or provide daily care. I want her to have the best care, and the care she needs, but I also know my limits as far as how much I'm able/willing to help.
I am an only child, and she has no other family. I'm it. I did recently get power of attorney, so that is taken care of. But we have an understanding that I would not exercise any POA actions unless she was unable to make her own decisions. And at this point, she's still capable of making her own decisions.
Due to finances, I also can't afford to hire someone to come in her home. She has the funds to do it, but won't budge. So we will be at an impasse until something happens, I guess. The social worker told me today that she and the nurse will continue to talk to her and stress the need for having additional help come in ... so I'm hoping that they are successful. If not, I will have a real problem on my hands. I live 40 minutes away. I need another set of eyes/ears, etc. checking in on her.
someone to help alleviate some of the responsibilities she has placed upon us. My mother wants to hold on to her money and assets for her heirs. Just wondering how you have solved your problem since this post is 3 years old.
If your sister agrees with you and you have a united front, Mom's only choices are to live in a dirty place, do her own cleaning, or hire someone. However, if Sis wants to continue providing services then she may have to pick up what you were doing, or mother will have to get by with less, or mother will have to supplement Sis's work with a paid cleaner. None of this is your problem -- you are only in charge of your own behavior.
Mother has a dentist appointment next month? "Sorry, Mom, that time is not convenient for me but I'll call the medi-ride company now and arrange the rides for you."
I hope you'll continue visiting your mother, but just decline the work. When a social worker was interviewing my mother about what she needed she kept saying "oh, no, I don't need that. My daughters can do that." And a daughter in the room spoke up and declared, "Mother, when your daughters come we want to play scrabble with you or cards or look at scrapbooks. We don't want to spend all our time scrubbing toilets and mopping floors!" And that is kind of the point -- not that the daughters don't want to be bothered with mother, but that they want quality time with her.
Who are your mother's heirs that she is trying to save her assets for? You and your sister? Convince her that you would rather she spent the money on her own care now. Additional people? All the more reason that you shouldn't do all the work so that others can benefit.
Also, people who live long enough very often outlive their money, and regardless of their good intentions to leave something to heirs, it gets used up in medical costs, nursing homes, etc. That financial inheritance is nothing to count on!
Good luck!