How can I handle my sister's harsh criticism of me for the way I care for our parents?
My three children and I moved into my parents home in late 2007. I have been widowed since 2005 and had been finding it increasingly difficult to pay a mortgate and raise three children on my own. My late husband did not have life insurance and there were many bills to take care of.
When we first moved in, my sister who is 11 years younger than I and who is married with no children, sent me a very hurtful email asking if I was going to influence my parents to leave me their home in their will. She said that because I work at a law firm I know how to "fix these things". Our relationship has steadily declined since I moved in with my parents and I find it hard to be around her sometimes.
Fast forward to now, my father (age 80) had a massive stroke in April. He was not expected to survive, but not only did he survive but is making amazing progress in a skilled nursing facility. My mother (also age 80) has diabetic neuropathy and walks with the aid of a walker. I have been the one who communicates with the doctors, nursing home, lawyers, etc. because my sister literally fell apart when my father became ill. My father did a lot around the house, drove my mother to appointments, etc., he and I split the cooking and some chores around the house. Now that he is ill, the day to day running of the house has fallen to me. I realize that since I am living there it is my obligation and I certainly do not mind that, but what I do mind is that my sister likes to make comments such as "you don't take very good care of mom", "are you going to make sure mom eats", "you're not a very warm person", etc. The thing is my mother is perfectly capable of doing small tasks such as making herself lunch, taking her medication, starting dinner preparation, etc. My sister tends to "baby" her and my mother seems to be eating this up! Prior to my dad's illness, my parents were lucky if my sister even called them once in awhile.
I know some others have situations far worse than mine, but I feel very hurt and don't quite know how to react when my sister makes these digs at me and sometimes my children (who are pretty good kids by the way). I have my own issues to deal with -- one daughter in college, a son starting college in September, and a daughter with learning disabilities going into the 10th grade. I help my children out with tuition, books, travel expenses, etc. so moving out is not an option right now.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I am on the verge of tears right now.
19 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- It is always my FAULT! Does anyone have any advice on how to best deal with your mother-in-law, I want to save my marriage.
- How can I get my husband to balance caregiving with raising our children?
- How can you explain to an adult, that their father needs to be moved to a nursing home because he cannot be cared for at home any longer?
- What can I do to help the stress of caregiving on my marriage?
you sound like you are managing a heavy emotional burden admirably. The only advice I can give is to not allow your sister to play games with you. I don't know what your relationship was when you were younger - but it would seem that you will have to be the mature one and ask her to work together with you for your mom & dad's benefit. ALthough human nature can be a mystery, it might be possible to turn the current situation into better communication.
An 11 year difference and all sorts of family baggage - mom eating up the attention from the baby who falls apart when problems happen. Families are so complex, however once patterns are formed, the problems don't go away unless you change the patterns. That means you first have to decide what is and is not acceptable in your relationship. Break it down and then start asking what can you want to change for you first. She may not adapt very quickly, but maybe if she is competative she might be motivated to compete in an area that would help you rather than just hurt your feelings.
Is she really helpless, or is it easier to let someone else do the heavy lifting. What would happen if you paid more attention to your mom, and your mom began praising you to her? Is your mom aware of how you feel - would she help you?
I have to confess, I am the one who always did everything in my family. Its a hard habit to break. I don't know if you can pull off 'a fainting spell & helplessness', but if you practice letting go & not caring a little every day, maybe your sister can be incented to swoop in to prove how much better mom likes her cooking, or driving, or anything. And while she is doing it, sneak out the back door for a well deserved walk.
Or at the very least, know that many of us here on this board are the "doers" - and vent to an understanding group who have all been there.
take care.
Carol
As to Cat's question, when we were younger, I was the one who did a lot for the family. My mother doesn't drive, so I was the one picking everyone up and dropping them off, etc. There are three of us, I am the oldest. My brother is 6 years younger and my sister is 11 years younger. I'm not sure if my mother would be of any help in the situation. She seems to not realize what's going on, or is enjoying the attention.
I didn't mention in my previous post, but my brother has been in Kazahkstan for the past two months with his wife and are in the process of adopting two children, a boy and girl, and they left the day before Dad's stroke. I had the pleasant task of informing them of my father's stroke, because no one else could. My brother came home for a week last month, and was able to come and spend some time with Dad, then he had to go back. They will all be home in about three weeks, so there is some happy news!
Thanks again for the advice and I look forward to keeping in touch.
If a sibling is not helping you with your parents care, then they have nothing to say about the care. Here is what I say:" If you are not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem" Tell your sister that you could charge so much a day for care, so any monies that are left ,home , or assets, are yours. So, if she is so concerned about her inheritance, tell her to roll up her sleeves and help. Give her a schedule and make her work for it.!!!! She can even take mom for the weekends! That might change he tune. Get it in writing. I know it sounds harsh, but I have a brother who does nothing and he is getting nothing. I am spending it all on mom, and anything that is left over will be used to fix our home, take down ramps, re tile bathroom since we drilled holes in the tile for her bars. I will make sure he gets some, since he is her son, but the bulk goes to me. Unless you have been in our shoes, our brothers and sisters have no idea what it is like to be a caregiver. You are the one who is truly blessed.
Linda
Thanks for your comments. My sister helps out by taking my mother to visit my father one day a week. She has occasionally cooked meals for us and brought them over, but the day to day running of the household falls to me. Since she has not complained or commented on the way I handle things for my father such as talking to the doctors, the nursing home, and being the contact person, I have a feeling she is trying to "win my mother" or something like that. As far as any inheritance, since I work in a law firm as a legal assistant, I spoke to my boss about my parents' situation. He arranged for my mother and I to see an elder care attorney who advised them to apply for Medicaid. My mother cannot do any of this on her own, so I was the one who accompanied her to the appointments and did most of the talking (while she was there of course). Since they own a house jointly, my boss prepared a deed giving my father's share to my mother, to protect the house for my mother, and eventually us. He even prepared new estate planning documents for my mother and came to the nursing home to see my father to explain what is being done and to have my father sign the deed!
Everything is split equally three ways and my sister's biggest fear is that I will somehow influence my parents to leave the house to me. I also think she is nervous that I now know all of my parents' assets, etc. because I took care of the legal issues as well. I am getting the same share as everyone else which I have no problem with since my parents helped me out financially for awhile when I was going through a difficult time after my husband died. My sister feels that I am somehow favored. I told her once that I hope she never has to go through what I went through.
Linda
as for sister,pray pray PRAY !
cj
I can relate to your problem (sort of). I too moved in to my mother's home after my father passed away to assist her, both emotionally, and financially. In the beginning (11 years ago), it was actually mutually beneficial since I recently divorced myself and pretty much gave everything to my wife rather than battle things out in our divorce and end up giving everything we had to lawyers rather than to our only child (who will one day get all that we would have fought over).
Anyway in the past 3-4 years my mother's health has deteriorated drastically. She has diabetes, asthma and COPD, and most recently kidney failure and is on dialysis. She also is in early stages of dementia. I have an older brother (widowed) and a younger brother (single, never married). My mother informed my brothers that she is leaving me her house in her will since for the past 11 years I basically paid all the property taxes, maintenace/repairs and home owners insurance out of my pocket (the mortgage, utilities and food we split 50/50 on the cost).
Anyway, my older brother believes it's fair. However, the younger one claims I manipulated our mother into leaving the her house, etc etc ... Similar to the kind of things you're hearing from that sister of yours. My mother has no other savings or valuables - Just the house (there are approximately 4 more years of mortgage payments left).
I handled my younger sibling in two ways. First, I said if he thinks he should be entitled to any portion of the house, then he should get himself off his lazy butt, and assist in the care of our mother. She doesn't drive. I take her to every doctor appointment (which is many), do all the grocery shopping, take her shopping for her clothes and toiletries. I do all the cleaning, cooking. laundry, etc. I even had to quit my 55-60 hour a week job, and take a lesser paying job that gave me more flexibility so that I could take care of my mother properly.
Needless to say, my brother has yet to lift a finger to help our mother in any way whatsoever. So I basically have learned to ignore him, and not worry about his opinion or thoughts. He's single. He could help if he wanted to, but chooses not to. So I just learned to ignore him, and let him think or say whatever tickles his fancy. I no longer let it bother me. I know in my heart I'm doing right by my mother, and I do feel I'm entitled to inherit the house 100%. I'm sure one day he'll probably take me to court to fight for part of the house. But Im not going to let that bother me now. I'll deal with it when it happens.
Take care,
Carol
Good for you. Wish I could get my lazy brother to help, but my brother is getting his MIL who can't walk!!!!!!! What goes around, comes around. Good luck!
Linda
"I just want to know you have their best interest in mind as well as your own. Mom doesn't always speak up if something is bothering her, she just gets cranky.
I want to know if you're going to talk Mom & Dad into leaving you their house. You do wills for a living, so you know how to change things to protect yourself. You also have kids to think about.
It's not fair that the one who needs the most help should get everything because of their past mistakes. I made a mistake by buying a house in _________, because that's what I could afford. Now I live across the street from a flop house, and my only alternative is moving up the line, to towns I don't even like, and having an hour commute. I admit I made a mistake, but no one's going to help me. I know you've been through a lot, and that if you could change things, you wouldn't pick this situation.
It's not about the money, because, believe me, I want Mom & Dad to live forever. It's just that I know if they make a decision to leave you everything, and if you influence them to leave you everything, I will feel really badly about that. It's about fairness. I want you to know how I feel. All of this happened so fast.
Carol's (my sister's mother in-law) sister, Sandy and her family moved in with Non (her father passed away years ago). From what I heard Sandy started to talk badly about the other siblings (5 kids total) to Non (they don't call enough, see you enough). I guess she did this because she was afraid they would make her move. Non changed her will, passed away, and now Sandy owns the house. Only 1 sister talks to her on a regular basis. Carol and Sandy were so close, and now they barely speak. Carol doesn't need the money, but still feels bad. She feels that maybe Sandy's kids will eventually get the house, and what about her kids and the other grandchildren. Also, just because one doesn't need help today, doesn't mean they won't need help tomorrow. As Carol says, Sandy could re-marry, and that guy could have money. Everyone's situation can change for better or worse."
This is why I get very upset about my sister and why I have a hard time being around her. She sent this email about a year ago, when I moved into my parents' house.
Linda