My daughter and I are both collecting SSI disability benefits, I have a disability pension from work due to mental health issues. My mental health status is once again going downhill. I have to take a lot of medication to keep my stress level low. My daughter and I are picking up most of the household bills. He will come busting in our bedrooms without knocking. He also has his own ideas about how we should live our lives. I understand it's his house and he still wants his independence. But, me being the only caregiver is a nightmare. We have tried to get outside caregivers, but we live in a very rural location. I can admit he is not receiving the best care by me. I do try, but on days when he pushes me over the edge, I can't function as a caregiver. I've tried different options to make the living arrangement work, but no success. HIs hours are not normal. We have tried Meals on Wheels, but they did not meet up to his standards. I've also tried to get a list of meals that he would like to eat. That way I can prepare some and have them in the freezer for his late night meal. I'm trying to find a local caregiver support group I can go to in person. I'll welcome any advice.
Could you and daughter manage financially to live on your own, perhaps in subsidized housing? Could Dad get by on his own? Are his impairments severe enough so that he'd need to be in a care center if you weren't there?
It really doesn't sound like you are in a situation good for you or your father.
I would tell you to put locks on your bedroom doors, but wouldn't be surprised if he just pounded and yelled about how it was his house. There is really no option for your own peace of mind except to leave. Is your father able to care for himself at his age? That is a huge concern. There has to be a better option of you being pushed to the edge.
With dementia and elder rage in some folks, what seems rational & equitable to most in a more balanced mind is not so in the other. It is makes for the sensation of feeling crazy.
Boundaries are tough when living with elderly parent/s - especially when at a bare minimum, we hope to have the simple respect devoid of narcissistic interruption. It may be more than that, of course - his own depression, fears, etc about his life and add into it - dementia if applicable.
I am in a similar situation and making plans to leave but being hired is tough at my age. Many companies ay not recognize caregiving as a valued or relevant experience. Especially when we are doing it for family and unpaid. In caregiving employer situations, we would actually have clear hours, benefits, a paycheck and boundaries. Very different animal which compounds the family obligatory and guilt additive.
In what ways are you not the best caregiver to him? Are there areas in which you are positing behaviors that are influencing how he behaves towards you? Is there anything you can change about that, if so? What would help you best? Can you and he work as a team to establish boundaries and can you improve your caregiving skills?
Best wishes.
Self preserve---for you and your daughter's sake.
If your dad goes to live in a facility, where his needs can be met, then would you still live in the house? It sounds like you pay the bills now, right?
It sounds like some kind of cognitive decline is going on with your dad. Do you have contact with his doctor? I would explore ways to have him placed into a facility, if he is a danger to himself or others or if he is resisting care that is a danger to his health. Maybe, a County social worker could help you. The most important thing is to stay safe. People who have dementia can do bizarre and violent things, not even realizing it. I'd ask for guidance on how to stay safe.
Also, if you county has an agency for Domestic Violence victims, I might contact them as well.
I hope you can find some answers and help.
What I don't agree with is people trying to say enjoy the time with them now or you're lucky to have them. That's a guilt trip no one should put on a caregiver.
Self preserve.
You have a couple of options: #1. Find your own place to live & move out. It sounds like your rather is causing you some mental health issues (that you do not elaborate on) and if you continue to live together that is not going to change.
#2. Put your father in an assisted living facility. His meals will be brought to him, prepared. Depending on what level of care he needs, he can probably get it at assisted living.
#3. Let what your father says go in one ear & out the other. He is probably not happy that you are on disability for a mental health issue and your daughter is on disability too (although you don't say for what).
You don't say what your daughter does to help out, but maybe she needs to do more. Why is she is disability?
If you continue to live with your father, things are not going to change. You are not going to change a 96 year old man. So, you can either suck it up or move out. It sounds like you are not happy with his "hours". In my humble opinion, when somebody reaches 96 years of age, they can do anything they want to do. If he wants to sleep all day & stay up all night, go for it. It is your father's house. If you don't like his lifestyle, find your own place to live.