Has anyone experienced the Dr having to take a husband’s (age 74) gun by police because he threatened his wife (me) with it but doesn’t remember doing it? The gun is the source of arguments at least 2-3 days a week. He thinks he’s ok. He can argue and cry for hours on end and causes me such stress and headache that I don’t know what to do to get relief from him. I’m so extremely miserable. I thought about just giving it back and have him leave with it or I leave. I’m at my wits' end. Can anyone tell me something- anything to guide me to sanity! No children and any relatives just don’t answer the phone when he calls them. Thanks!
If he's causing you so much agony, then consider having him taken to the ER and refusing to take him back. They'll have to find a placement for him where he'll be cared for and will be under lock and key.
If you won't do that, then you need to leave for your own safety. Who's to say whether tomorrow he doesn't threaten you with a kitchen knife??
My advice would be to prompt a serious fight about it, and tell him you’re considering leaving, or buy good ear plugs and just stop hearing it!
Your husband likely needs a locked geriatric psychiatry unit for a week or two, to get him onto some medications that can help his brain let go of this angry obsession.
You may end up having to call 911 at the height of an argument, if he threatens you again. Having a note in medical record can help substantiate the need. Along with past history.
OR call APS and self report verbal abuse following the takeaway of gun for past threats. Sometimes they can get a person into a psych setting sooner.
For yourself, try earplugs. Or go in a room where you can lock the door behind you. Call your own health care provider and get an appointment, to explain what is happening. Your health is affected by this, too.
If you leave him and go elsewhere, please let the police know he is all by himself. Anonymously, of course.
I am sorry that you have this much suffering in your life right now. Even though his age seems relatively young, he may be too ill to live in the community any longer.
Or are you threatening with the police. Me...I would take the gun to a police station. I would have a police officer come to the house and ask to have it handed over. Then tell DH that it will be melted down. No one suffering from Dementia should have a gun.
In the past few years in my state there's been several murders where the shooter was a very elder person (80+ and always a man in these cases) and in most instances the victims were family members who resided with the shooter. In one case a very senior man entered a rural hospital and shot a doctor out of paranoia. It was never reported that these shooters were mentally ill or had any other motives, so I summize they very likely had dementia or the depression that can come with it. Please don't return the gun to him, even without ammo. Ask your local police what you should do with it.
Then, as others have suggested, please try to get him treated for his obsessing and agitation. Call this same doctor and tell him what's going on with your husband's behavior -- that removing the gun has ramped up his obsessing on it. Keep after the doctor to help.
I'm hoping you are your husband's DPoA? If not, the window for having him create the paperwork may be closing. After that, you'll have no power unless you pursue guardianship through the courts, or allow the county to acquire guardianship (but that typically takes a very long time).
In the meantime, you don't have to engage in any discussion with him that revolves around the gun -- redirect the conversation, ignore it or walk away from him. Or, try calmly telling him, "For MY safety the doctor AND police said you can't have it back. The police have it and won't return it." Even if this isn't completely true, this is called a "therapeutic fib". Or tell him whatever you think might curb him that he can't argue a workaround.
I'm so sorry you are having to endure this. Please act to find additional help so that you can get some relief -- even if it's a hired male companion to take him out of the house and do things with him. It is a phase that will eventually pass -- just that no one knows when...
My grandfather had dementia and some pistols and at least one shotgun. He began having hallucinations that people were looking in the windows (also had macular degeneration). We took all of the guns and all bullets.
We debated just unloading everything and leaving the guns there. But we could imagine him out on his lawn waving a gun around… and cops aren’t going know it’s unloaded. He was mad about it, but we had to just let him be mad. Better he be alive and angry than dead because a cop had no choice but to fire.
It's time to think about placing him in a Memory Care AL now, for both of your sakes. If you are losing your sanity over this one incident, you have a very long road ahead of you with his dementia journey and need to think about placement. In the meantime, the doctor needs to medicate him for 'crying for hours on end' which is a sign of depression and agitation, for which there ARE meds available.
Good luck.