My mother and I never had a good relationship. She is now in a SNF and I go to visit 1-2 times a week. I don't enjoy going and feel guilty. My siblings and I divide up the week and someone is there every day.
but I dread going. don't have a lot to talk with her about and feel a sense of relief when I leave.
Wish I could help.
If you don't know the song, google it.
And I feel the OP here is also not one who could comfortably live with themselves thereafter. I agree she has absolutely no reason to feel guilty for her feelings. And no one is saying she needs to be happy, happy, happy when she's miserable. Feelings are what they are, and she has every right to them. But a persons actions have far more value in the ultimate scheme of things, than their gut feelings. She might quiet that gut by not visiting , but it's likely to be eaten up by guilt when that patient is dead and it's too late to live up to her responsibilities.
I hate seeing Mom this way and sometimes as I drive home from a visit the tears will come. But, I can't change what is and all I can do is be there for her, even if she doesn't know it. It's all part of this horrible dementia journey.
I HATE visiting my mom in the NH. We've always had a cordial, but somewhat distant relationship. If you know what I mean, my mother has never "gotten" me. I have a similar relationship with one of my three children; with the other two, I can be completely genuine and spontaneous; with one of my daughters, she just sighs and says "Mom, you just don't understand". I DO understand what that feels like!
My mom is a nearly two hour drive from where I live (because her nh is close to one of my brothers; he and his wife visit several times a week and they appear to love doing that.
I'm trying on the idea of going every other week, because I find that if I don't visit as often, I have more time to do interesting things which I can then talk about. My mom has aphasia and vascular dementia from a stroke, so there's not much conversation coming from her corner, but she does love to hear about the plays and concerts that I've gone to, gossip about my children and friends, etc.
I really urge you to not feel guilty. Guilt is for folks who have done something wrong. What you are feeling is completely expected.
How is your mom's state of mind? I'm not familiar with her case, but does she know when family members are there? Does she recall the visits the next day? You say someone from the family is there everyday. Is that a standard that you all agreed upon? Is there some medical reason for it? When you visit is she cordial? Coherent? Does she tire during the visits?
You say that you never had a good relationship. Is this due to some kind of abuse? Were you treated unfairly growing up? If so, I'm not so sure that I would put myself in a constant state of dread to visit her twice per week. I'd try to figure out why you dread the visit. Are you already spread so thin that you don't have a lot to give others? We aren't all able to give and give without limits. Sometimes, we have to fill our tanks with rest, relaxation, privacy and restoration. Maybe, you are giving too much of yourself and are feeling depleted.
I'd consider what is causing the feelings of apprehension and then modify my schedule. Once a week sounds very reasonable. I don't see much to be gained by forcing yourself to go. I'd also limit the visit. What harm could that be? You sound like a good person. Don't be afraid to be gentle with yourself.
Nursing home facilities are a very tough place to visit. While a lot of them are very good at what they do, it doesn't make it easier on loved ones. I agree with a lot of these other posts that what you are feeling is very normal. I applaud you for making the effort even though it is extremely difficult for you.
Working in the healthcare field for 10+ years, I can tell you your mom is one of the lucky ones! A lot of families do just get them settled and you don't seem them again or very seldom. While your mom may not express her gratitude, you can rest easy at night knowing that you did all you could despite the circumstances. After all, that's all any of us can do. I wish you the best of luck on your difficult journey.
Krissy
What we hate is hearing all complaints, the criticisms, the rudeness, attempts to manipulate us, the continual attempts to make you feel bad. It's mindboggling how they can forget how to wipe their own butts, but remain incredibly skillful at pressing all your buttons. It takes a real strength of will not to get angry at this. That is what I hated the most.
All that aside, her suggestions are excellent. Bringing things especially. On days when his mind was working better he was bored. On the other days, he was in a fog, and some stimulation was a big help.
For my Dad the things I brought were sweets and coffee. Dad always loved sweets. (And a taste for sweets happens to be one senses they tend not to lose.) I also brought his DVD and VCR players and TV from his home, when he was admitted. I put on home movies, and copies of "Everybody Loves Raymond" . ( He was obsessive about that show.) On his radio, I'd play Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra and Tony Bennett. (Any Italian singer was a favorite of his).
And each visit I'd bring old photographs. As I cleaned out Dad's house, there were thousands of photographs . (Photography had been his lifelong hobby.) [My brother and I made a project of copying them into the computer, and sharing some on face book with cousins and other siblings.] I'd choose about six photos for each visit, and brought copies. I would sit with him and together (mainly me) we would put them in this fat photo album. He would look at them for a long time. Not always remembering, but sometimes he's just like to look. Even the facility workers would look at the album with him when I wasn't there. It gave them something to talk to him about.
Anyway, this helped me a lot, as another dreaded part of the visit was the mind numbing boredom of sitting there and trying to find something to talk to him about. The photos, the food, and the videos help fill that void.
And even with that, I rarely stayed more than an hour. I forced myself to visit daily at first, then after the first few months, at least 3 times a week. Yep, dreaded it all, and relieved when I left. But now that he's gone, I'm glad I did it.
I think so many of us have this same problem. Mother isn't in a NH, she's at home in her apt with brother's family---but I have a hard time with the "guilt" I feel b/c I visit out of a sense of responsibility. I don't think we should call this guilt. We don't enjoy spending time with EVERYONE, do we? So we shouldn't feel bad b/c we don't enjoy time with a relative?
I just came back after a 6 month hiatus of "mom time". I am determined now to go visit her once a week, but with a pre-planned agenda. This week I cleaned for hours. Next week I will update all the collages of pictures that are in the hall. The next week will be cleaning, again. I let her talk, she really just wants someone to listen to her stories. (Over and over and over....)
My other 3 sibs are off board and only visit her once every 4-6 months or if there is a crisis. You're lucky to have better support than we have.
Try to work past the guilt. SHE'S the negative one, and she WANTS you to feel guilty. I know that sounds nuts, but it's probably true.
Good luck! A lot of good info on this site.
Oh, and I keep the visits to 2-3 hours, which seems to work for both of us, timing my exit for when she needs her nap. Her new facility is further away (minimum hour & a half each way), I work full time, and see her on Saturdays. I am struggling with thoughts of doing it every other week and then feel bad for thinking that.
Sooooo - deal with the unearned guilt by doing what you must do without beating yourself up. Then, bring things along that may help the conversations.
Jeannegibbs contributed a great list on this thread. What you bring will depend a great deal on where your mom is physically and cognitively. It was different for each of my loved ones, but I went with their interests.
Don't forget that watching an old movie together on DVD (your mom's memories, not what you may think of as old :) or depending on her age, a DVD of the old Lawrence Welk shows or some old comedies (I Love Lucy, etc.). You can still be together, laugh, touch and communicate however you can, but there is a distraction.
Blessings, my friend. You are just like the rest of us. This isn't easy.
Take care,
Carol
I would stay 2 or 3, sometimes 4 hours when I would visit her. We would sometimes just sit together and watch t.v., not talk but with her and I that was comfortable. Sometimes I'd give her a mini facial, set her hair, cut her fingernails.
But I did feel depressed going there. I have to admit. But I'm glad I went and now that she is no longer here I miss those opportunities and would love to be able to go visit her. So just try and look at it from that point of view. One day you won't be able to see your Mom. It might give you a different perspective.
Except for a deep love of each other and of several other people, my mom and I don't have much in common, and her poor memory reduces that even further. So I always plan something to do with her rather than relying on fascinating conversation. Some of activities include:
1) Bring a big bag of coins for her to sort. (Many with dementia love sorting.)
2) Bring a scrap book to look at together.
3) In good weather. push her for a walk around the neighborhood. (This is an ideal time of year for that -- each time the flowers have progressed a little more.)
4) Color together (I print pages from the internet.)
5) Push her around inside the building and check out the decorations people have on their doors. Talk about the pictures on walls.
6) The nursing home has a computer monitor running an Eagle cam. We go and see how big the little eagles are getting.
7) Bring magazines or gather some up from around the nh. Laugh at the styles. Mom like to ogle the men in them.
8) Bring in cookbooks with lots of pictures. Talk about food.
9) Bring in a big bag of socks of many colors, and ask her to match them up for me. (Other ladies with dementia volunteer to help! Sorting and matching really are popular.)
My sisters read the newspaper with Mom. For some reason she never wants to do that with me. I guess I'm her "scrapbook daughter" and not her "newspaper daughter." :)
I have the advantage of always having had a good relationship with Mom, but we really have little in common to just sit and talk about. We can do things together or look through books and magazines companionably.
I'll bet if you brought something to do or look at, you'd feel less dread. And if your mother could feel that some of the things were useful to you, she'd have a feeling of satisfaction. ("Can you help me sort these children clothes by size, for my garage sale?)