My 81 year old mom with vascular dementia was moved to memory care on Thursday. She had lived with me, but her needs were becoming too much for me and she had no socialization other than myself and her daily caregivers. She falls often when not using her cane. In February she fell and broke her wrist. In April she fell and badly bruised her hip. Then a carpet burn on her face and hands. Always when she forgets her cane and takes off too fast. So we decided to find a care center to better help her and give me a break. I work full time and wasn't sleeping because I constantly worried about her falling.
It all went well and my brother and I left the facility feeling great, She was talking to others and seemed happy. 5 hours later I get a phone call stating she forgot her cane, walked off, and fell on her face. She was being transported by ambulance to the hospital. Luckily just a huge goose egg on her forehead and trauma to her nose. I sat with her until they got her admitted, the results of her CT scan, and she was settled. While she was dozing I kissed her and left.
The entire time I was there she talked of going home with me and became angry when I said we couldn't. She has very little memory of people, but I've lived with her in one way or another for over 23 years. She depends on me for everything. I can't bring myself to visit her for fear I'll set her off again.
Tomorrow she is to be discharged and go back to her facility by ambulance. I feel horrible that I spent today buying groceries, having a friend over, and generally getting on with my life. My brother is 3 hours away and working. He says I should stop in and see her. I want to stay away and let the professionals handle it. She hasn't even spent her first night at the memory care facility. I check in with her nurse 3-4 times a day and she is doing well. But keeps saying her daughter is coming soon to get her and take her home.
How do I cope with this feeling of abandoning her and not give in to it? Her nurses say she is fine and the facility is prepared to work with her as soon as she comes back.
Felons are the ones who should feel guilt. And they never do.
For us it is grief, the other G-word. We grieve that we cannot fix everything, but it is best we embrace that we are human, vulnerable, and doing the best we can.
I am so sorry for the grief, and hope you won't use the other g-word.
You have done the best that you could for as long as you could. This transition will be harder on you than it will be on her.
She is safer now. (although I write that after she has had a fall in their care. But there is a good possibility that that same fall might have happened at home.
It is not IF there is going to be another fall but WHEN.
Give her 72 hours, (doesn't that sound better than 3 days?)
If you want to visit sooner just peek in on her. Stand in another room so that she can not see you this will reassure you that she is doing alright. (a good time might be at a meal time so she is occupied with her meal)
As an only child, I'd been the only one to deal with ALL the chaos and histrionics for 10.5 years, and when I say there was A LOT of it, that's a gross understatement. The dementia only intensified all the lunatic behavior that had BEEN IN PLACE forever.
After sitting in the ER with mom for 3 hours and counting the ceiling tiles 1000x, I decided to leave and go home. Mom was asking how she was going to find the money to pay the taxi driver when she was broke because I'd stolen all her money. The tic I'd developed in my right eye was fluttering non stop at that point. I told her, Ma, the ambulance is taking you back to your apartment, same as they always do, you don't need money, its free. But how will I find my way back to my apartment, she was insisting?
I left anyway after kissing her goodbye and telling her I love you. I needed a break and some sanity in MY life at THAT moment.
So do you. You cannot fix this mess of disease and old age for your mother. Remember the three Cs when the guilt gets creeping in:
You didn't Cause this
You can't Control this, and
You can't Cure this.
Yes, those 3 Cs apply to Al-Anon but easily to caregiving situations as well. Especially where the guilt card is played and the I Want To Go Home mantra is an ongoing chant. "Home" is a place in time long gone for an elder with dementia, and somewhere else you can't take them back to. A place in time when they were young and healthy. Your focus now is to overlook the ranting and crying and make sure mom is safe and cared for. And that YOU are, too. You've done enough and you're a good daughter. Leave mom be now to adjust to life in Memory Care now without you constantly there as her cushion and safe place to land. She needs to trust others now, make friends, learn new activities and new sources of comfort that don't come at YOUR EXPENSE. It's okay to leave her be. Tell your brother whatever he needs to hear bc he's 3 hours away and not involved, so it's easy for him to tell you what to do.
Call mom once a day and let the rest of her calls go to vm while you rest and relax now. And don't worry, the MC WILL call you when there's a crisis. Trust me on that. A ringing phone became a traumatic sound to me after 10.5 years.
Nowadays the phone has stopped ringing. My mother is at perfect peace, finally, after 95 years of a tortured life on earth. Thursday I had her funeral service and I know she was there with us, wondering why the flower arrangement was so small. 😊 What I can say is I did my best for her while she was alive, and kept her safe and cared for 24/7. That was a big feat, actually. You'll be able to say the same thing one day, too. Be kind to yourself from now till then, though, because you deserve some grace my friend. It's not an easy road for ANY of us who travel this journey, that much is certain.
Cheers
I do not see the need to call the nurse 3-4 times a day, pick a time, once a day, I am sure that your mother is not the only person in the hospital.
Don't worry about what she says to other people, it has no bearing on anything, you are not coming to take her home, the ambulance will take her back to her new home.
Guilt is a self imposed emotion driven by fear, start feeding yourself positives, if you do not, you will remain stuck in a cycle that has been "Soley" created by you and serves no benefit to either you or your loved one.
I do think Mom needs to be reevaluated to see if a walker would be better for her. A cane is only good when one leg is the problem and even then it has to be used correctly. When the two legs are compromised, then a walker is needed. And that too she needs to learn to use correctly. Has to be adjusted correctly too. Talk to the RN at the MC to see what she/he thinks. Either she can call Moms doctor or you and ask for an order for in home OT/PT to evaluate her. She may do better with a quad cane. More stability.
As the one child who could be made to feel guilty, I refused to when I was caring for Mom. Why? Because I was doing everything. Yes I got impatient and said things I wish I hadn't. TG she had Dementia and forgot. I refused to second guess myself. I was 65 when she came to live with us but I never saw it as a permanent solution. I found that I wasn't a Caregiver and my house was not conducive to someone who could not use stairs. Mom did so much better in an AL. She had more freedom than at my house. Mom was safe, fed and very much cared for. So please, do not feel guilty about decisions you need to make. Her falls, they are going to fall.