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Mom has been gone 2 months. Her 93rd birthday is in 2 days. I have been doing OK but miss her very much. Some breakdowns here and there with a good cry but I find myself feeling guilty a lot the past month. Intellectually I know I did what I felt was right, out of love and not prolonging her suffering from a horrible lymphoma. Chemo would have brought no cure but would have added more agony and pain. She had a rough last month even with hospice.
I wonder if there could have been a way to keep her in the apartment she loved instead of assisted living. Even though I know she was too sick and weak and needed so much more care. She only survived 3 months. I wonder if I should have been brutally honest instead of telling her she just had a blood infection. But then we probably would not have had the wonderful chance to heal our past relationship and to grow closer than I ever thought possible. My heart breaks for all the years she refused to deal with her MH issues. But so grateful that she finally received the right meds to end her anxiety and depression. The Drs, hospice nurses, AL staff and even my pastor reassure me, but it keeps me awake at night. I’m wondering if this is a normal part of grieving. I am waiting for grief-share to begin at our church. I just feel incredibly sad.

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There are many places in our lives in which there is nothing at all to be gained by “wondering”.

You have beautifully and eloquently described the course of your mom’s end of life and the way you spent it together.

You have mentally assessed how you deftly handled her circumstances, weighing one choice against another, providing for her every need and comfort, enjoying the restoration of good feeling.

Have you tried re-reading what you’ve written here when you’re becoming troubled by those questioning thoughts?

She is at peace, and without question she has wished you that peace as well. So now, seize upon your sweet reconciliation, your own loyalty, and your ultimate mutual realization that you did every single thing you could.

Because YOU DID.
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Two months is early days yet, and birthdays and other milestones always tend to bring to mind those we are missing. I think it's normal to go over events and think about all the things we coulda-shoulda-woulda done differently and to feel remorse for the times we failed to be kind, compassionate or available. Time does heal, but the time it takes isn't measured in days or weeks or even months.
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Tyger, it's so good to "see" you!

My mom has been gone for 5years this summer and I seem to recall having a strong reaction to her death two or three months after the event.

It felt at the time like I was coming out of the fog of intense end of life work--getting hospice set up, being at Mom's side nonstop except when I had to run back to my state to deal with my DH's serious medical issues.

So I came up for air and ended up re-examining everything that had gone on and OF course, in hindsight, there were things I coulda/shoulda...but in the end, I realized we'd done the best we could we the information we had

Tyger, you did yeoman's work with and for your mom. You stuck with her and amazingly got her the right help that she had resisted for so long.

((((Hugs))))).
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Sounds like you did everything you could to make her life more comfortable. Not only that, you were able to mend your relationship and feel close to her. She had a long life, and I agree that aggressive chemo would've made her suffer much more.

You had the chance that so many don't get: to mend fences and love and be loved at the end. Feeling incredibly sad is a testament to all the good that happened at the end of her life. <3
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Only you know (no one else), in your heart of hearts, what you did right or not, what you could have done or not.

When one makes mistakes, sometimes one can make it up by warning others, “Hey, I regret this particular mistake I made. Don’t do as I did.”
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You did everything in your power to make things better for your mom. I don’t know what else you could have done to help her cope with her situation.

You’re grieving not only her death but her suffering. There wasn’t anything that you could have possibly done to take away her suffering.

It’s really hard to see our parents suffer. I hated every single minute that I saw my mom and dad suffer. I felt powerless. I was powerless. We are mere mortals that do the very best we can.

Have peace in knowing that you did all that you could for your mom. Also know that she would want you to have peace in your life. I am sure that she would not want you to be in agony over the past.
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I don't think what you are feeling is guilt.
It's grief.
Why would you not? It hurts so bad,. You've been on AC a long time, so you've heard me expound ad nauseum about the difference between grief and guilt, right?

You didn't cause your mom's pain, and you couldn't have fixed it, and what you COULD fix, you did. Grief counselors sugggest that guilt is a way to infer you did cause it, you could have changed it; it's your fault, all of it, and you might still fix it--that there's some magical way to make it all OK. And it keeps you from going to grief which is so final. Which has no answers.

I still remember when my gentle mom, who never asked me for anything, looked at me and said "Is there no way I could stay in my little place; I am so near the end". And she COULD have, had I KNOWN she was so right, so near the end. But I didn't. I was on leave and my job awaited. And, and, and. When I think of that it still hurts and she's gone so long that I am myself now 81.
I could tell similar stories of my marvelous brother. But I won't. Who needs MY grief added to your own.

With time any guilt turns to grief, turns to forgiveness and allows you to remember the good things you did, the love you shared, how much they are still with us, how much we miss them, how we celebrate their lives.

My sympathy on your loss, T., but my joy at what you had and will have always in the care and love you shared.
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Yes its part of the grieving process. What keeps me pushing that guilt back is...I did enough. Everything I did was out of love. Mistakes, I knew no better. Have never done caregiving. I was always the one that did for my parents out of 3 children. The other two boys. I was Moms POA and made all the decisions. Did my brothers go happily on their way, not really. One was going thru s divorce his spouse wanted. The other had big problems with his MIL both holding down f/t jobs. I refuse to feel guilt. I did what needed to be done.

Hindsight is a cruel judge.
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My mama has been gone 14 1/2 years
Daddy has been gone 2 1/2years
Brother gone 4 years
Sister gone 2 years
Every time birthday, christmas, a special event we shared that has a memory I grieve, I cry, I laugh, I remember. I was there for three out of the four because brother would not talk to me. I had to choose hospice for Mama and Daddy but because they told me thats what they wanted. Sister chose hospice herself. Brother had a heart attack during a bike ride. The memories and happy times need to over shadow those wouldas, couldas, shouldas. We love them and miss them. Take the time to cry but also remember the happy times and how much you love them! Blessings
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Thank you all so very much …once again You all have helped me so much throughout my difficult journey with mom. In my heart I know I did the best I could with the circumstances given. Not the end I would have wished for her but so thankful for the 3 months I saw the mom I prayed for my 68 years…once she was on the right meds for her anxiety and depression that I agreed to as Activated POAHC. She had a beautiful funeral, albeit small attendance due to her advanced age and all her friends and family gone.., but her grandkids and great grandkids were able to look at all the generational pictures and hear the story of her life. I wanted her to be the star that day she deserved to be. So today, on her birthday , I will release a balloon , not at her grave , but in front of her apartment she was so proud of and loved so much post a beautiful picture of her and her twin sister who departed 3 years ago and plant a blue hydrangea in my garden , her favorite color ..Thank you again from my heart …❤️🎂God bless you all.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2023
Your story has touched so many of us. I see and feel your love for your mother with every word that you write.

I hope you know that your experience has inspired many people on this forum. It’s a beautiful story filled with challenging moments, shared dreams, hope and love.

Your mother will live in your heart forever.
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