Background: Grandmother is 81, lives alone in her own house about 15 minutes from my parents. We have tried for years to have her move closer, move to assisted living, or have a family member move in with her, but she adamantly refuses. She refuses to use any medical alert systems, and threw away the last one my mother bought her. She cannot drive. She broke her hip last year, and is able to walk but only for short distances.
Current situation: Over the past few years, my grandmother has been increasingly nasty to family members. She has destroyed her relationship with one daughter (my aunt). My mother has become her primary care giver, and my grandmother has pushed away every other family member. My mother does all her bills, brings her groceries, literally does everything for my grandmother. Recently, my grandmother has become increasingly belligerent with my mother. She is calling my mother names and making up stories. My grandmother has been diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression, and prescribed medications. However, she continues to go on and off her depression medications, which exacerbates the issue. She has threatened her own life - this past weekend telling my mother “I wish I had the guts to blow my f***ing brains out.”
I am at a loss of what advice to give my mother. She is in turmoil every day, concerned to do too much or too little. She is suffering from extreme guilt. I honestly feel the relationship between them has become severely manipulative and verbally/emotionally abusive. I am curious if anyone has had a similar issue and what steps were taken. At this point, I feel like my mother is sacrificing her mental well-being to placate the toxic nature of my
grandmother. I am deeply concerned for both of them and any advice is appreciated!
As someone on another post described it - you are running 24/7 on the hamster wheel and it is never enough. It does not matter what you do, they will not be happy. They will NEVER BE HAPPY.
I will Pray for your Mother and I would advise she take a break. Seek advice from an eldercare attorney and a therapist. She must establish a team of support if she chooses to continue down this long hard road. This is too much for just one person. Firm boundaries are a must!
See if there are any things your mom does for Grandma that can be taken over by someone else, such as a grocery delivery service. They can leave the groceries by the door if grandma won’t let them in. It should be explained to the other family members that Mom is in dire straits and needs their help, even though Grandma is the one they’d be doing it for. What they do they would be doing for Mom, not for toxic grandma.
If at any point Grandma should be hospitalized, she absolutely needs to be evaluated. The staff should be aware that Grandma has severe mental issues and needs help.
Hopefully, your mom can get grandma to the ER one of these days for an evaluation and let them know she lives alone & is acting in an unhinged manner. In the meantime, I think it's a great idea for your mom to delegate the errands she runs for her mother to others, at least for awhile. In other words, cut down the exposure to the Energy Vampire. She has to set down some rules & boundaries for HER sake, otherwise, grandma WILL ruin her life and she'll wind up getting sick herself! Your mom should make some hard rules that she will not break, ie: I will go over there on Mondays and bring groceries and stay for 10 minutes or until the verbal abuse begins. I will then say, Mother, I am leaving because you are treating me in an abusive manner that I REFUSE to tolerate, goodbye. That sort of thing.
This stuff is what nightmares are made of. There's no 'easy' way to handle the torture chamber these women put us through. But having some hard rules to follow DOES help; it's helped me deal with my toxic mother without suffering a huge amount of guilt. She brings it on HERSELF, I'm just protecting ME in the process. In reality, 40% of caregivers wind up dying BEFORE the person they're trying to care for!! Terrible, huh? Don't let your mom become a statistic; send her to this website and for therapy as well, if possible.
GOOD LUCK!!!
This will get her put in a psychiatric hospital or ward to get some treatment. I would encourage mom to do it everytime immediately.
I hate that type of manipulation and I think that going to a psych ward will help. My mom quit after she found out that you are considered mentally unstable when you say that garbage.
Tell your mom that she matters and does not need to take any more abuse from this person. Of course she feels bad and wants to help, but sometimes family, especially offspring are not the solution for what ails someone. Especially when they are being abused. There is never a justifiable reason to abuse another human being. Giving birth or donating sperm doesn't give anyone the right to abuse another.
Hugs, this is a terrible situation for all.
What you can do is ground your mother in the reality of this situation. There is little you can do with Grandma that will not involve kicking and screaming. If all of you are lucky she will pass away before that is necessary, or before she completely destroys the lives she is working so hard on destroying. Go with your mom to a Licensed Social Worker who deals with end of life and life change problems. Your Mom needs ways to deal. Support her. And tell her "I love you and you are a wonderful Mom".
So sorry, but Grandma has never been any different than she is now. One can only hope that she gets her wish, and is able to exit this life peacefully; she isn't happy to be here.
At the point that Grandma is completely destroying the lives of those around her with her threats, I agree with Isthisrealyreal below. Call and say Grandma is suicidal. She may need placement for her own safety and for the ongoing health of your family in all truth.
Once you find out what the problem is, then Mom can set some boundries.
Because grandma is at risk of harming herself or making these statements I would call Adult Protective Services. I believe you might be able to call anonymously. Grandma may need some specialized help because you seem to have identified medications issues do play a role. Psych meds and older adults who metabolize them differently...not that it isn't different for younger people too...need to be monitored and adjusted. Not to mention that it is feasible that some dementia could be developing on top of it. I'd also be looking for a neurologist or psychiatrist with a background in the area, if there is one. Your mom might reject the idea, but she could use some support and guidance of her own to pull back and not be sucked into the drama. Grandma living closer may not be the blessing you wish it to be. It's very hard to accept and learn that we can only (most times) be responsible for our own actions and behavior. Your mom cannot control her mother, nor you yours, but of course we hate to stand by and watch people we love suffer. In the end, it may be your mom that needs more help than Grandma. Guilt is a powerful and manipulative emotion. PS you might be able to file an APS report on line.
Should she resist, the police will come & take her there. Once there, confined to a room with a bed and table, no bathroom unless she needs one. An employee will be assigned to her to be sure she doesn't do anything life threatening to herself.
They will take all her personal stuff away including jewelry, and lock it safely away.
If she cooperates, she'll be fine. They have mental health specialists there,and the units are guarded by armed security. It's the law in our State since the Affordable Care Act became law.
There are hotlines to call:
Family Caregiver Alliance (FCA) 1-800-445-8106. Services for Family Caregivers – lots of hotlines! Veterans Affairs (VA) – National Caregiver Support 1-855-260-3274. Alzheirmer’s Foundation of America 1-866-232-8484. Alzheimer’s Association 1-800-272-3900.
At that point you/ your mom can say that she is not safe in her house alone.
She will not be released to her home unless there is someone there or she would be released to a facility where she can be monitored and kept safe.
This is going to be difficult for your mom and she will feel terrible for doing this but it is for her safety as well as your grandma's. By safety I am talking about personal/physical safety as well as mental. As with all things it might get worse before it gets better.
Hang in there, give your Mom a hug..and giving her a hug you will get one back and you deserve a hug.
They will take her and hold her against her will and hopefully if you can make the powers that be believe you, they will hopefully find some med or something that can calm her.
My mother used the suicide threat CONSTANTLY all my life. It's a cruddy way to raise kids....blame...shame...I'll kill myself and THEN you'll feel bad. I heard that weekly for 25 years, I kid you not. Finally at age 30(!) I called her on it. Said "Please, please, please DO kill yourself and let's quit playing this sick game. Don't leave a mess, though".
For some reason this tactic only 'worked' on my YYB and me. The other 4 kids just ignored her.
At 81...don't hold out too great hopes that an antidepressant can help--more likely something to calm her down and some better anger management tactics.
Sadly, in my case, I have had to walk away from my mother almost completely. Not proud of it, and sorry it went this way, but I have passed all care of her off to my other 4 sibs. 63 years of her dramas have done enough damage. Your poor mom--she needs a break.
She also fell multiple times each week. I would have to get up and go get her out of the yard or off of the floor in the late house of the night. She too tossed her safety necklace. She burned it with her trash. Her doctor told her constantly to stop making the suicide threats and to quit wandering around outside at night. She tried to get her to go to an assisted living area. She fell everyday for a week and the dr said one more threat or one more fall and you will be turned over to the state to place you in a NH. Well, she fell again about 2 days later just before Christmas. I got a call from her while sitting at a red light after doing the grocery shopping for Christmas dinner. She wanted me there right then. I asked if she was still outside (she had a cell phone). No, she had come into the house, cleaned up and changed but thought her shoulder was broke again. I said I would call an ambulance and got a good cursing. NO AMBULANCE!! Okay. I figured I could run by my house and put the fridge items away. I left grocery sacks all over the kitchen and when I got to her house about 30 min later, I got her "you don't care enough to drop everything and come take care of me" speech. I notified her doctor while she was in the er. The doctor was given the info that she had pulled her shoulder out of joint and everytime they put it back and tried to put a sling on her, she pulled it back out again and was threatening to go home and kill herself. She never got to go back home. They kept her in the hospital and the dr had her transferred to a NY on Christmas eve. She blamed me and my niece who was her POA over medical and financial. My niece left me in charge of financial since I had been doing it all along.
I got the guilt trips constantly from her at every visit. A 50 mile round trip for me and I went 2 to 3 times a week. I still picked her up and took her to dr appts but, she didn't like it and wanted to go home since I had to pass her house on the way to and from Dr. I started taking a much longer route to miss her house. She was in the NH 3 years and went downhill after more falls and a mild stroke. She still made me the bad person. You can't please a stubborn person as mom was. Your mom needs help, rest and definitely a shoulder to lean on.
She also fell multiple times each week. I would have to get up and go get her out of the yard or off of the floor in the late hours of the night. She too tossed her safety necklace. She burned it with her trash. Her doctor told her constantly to stop making the suicide threats and to quit wandering around outside at night. She tried to get her to go to an assisted living area. She fell everyday for a week and the dr said one more threat or one more fall and you will be turned over to the state to place you in a NH. Well, she fell again about 2 days later just before Christmas. I got a call from her while sitting at a red light after doing the grocery shopping for Christmas dinner. She wanted me there right then. I asked if she was still outside (she had a cell phone). No, she had come into the house, cleaned up and changed but thought her shoulder was broke again. I said I would call an ambulance and got a good cursing. NO AMBULANCE!! Okay. I figured I could run by my house and put the fridge items away. I left grocery sacks all over the kitchen and when I got to her house (6 miles away) about 30 min later, I got her "you don't care enough to drop everything and come take care of me" speech. I notified her doctor while she was in the er. The doctor was given the info that she had pulled her shoulder out of joint and everytime they put it back and tried to put a sling on her, she pulled it back out again and was threatening to go home and kill herself. She never got to go back home. They kept her in the hospital and the dr had her transferred to a NH on Christmas eve. She blamed me and my niece who was her POA over medical and financial. My niece left me in charge of financial since I had been doing it all along.
I got the guilt trips constantly from her at every visit. A 50 mile round trip for me and I went 2 to 3 times a week. I still picked her up and took her to dr appts but, she didn't like it and wanted to go home since I had to pass her house on the way to and from Dr. I started taking a much longer route to miss her house. She was in the NH 3 years and went downhill after more falls and a mild stroke. She still made me the bad person. You can't please a stubborn person as my mom was. Your mom needs help, rest and definitely a shoulder to lean on.
* Who is the POA?
* I know all about belligerent. (Although with a client, not a family member. Still.)
While it may not be easy to let the belligerent-ness just go, it is important for everyone to realize these are emotions and words of a person very frightened, losing their independence (or has already), fear of the unknown, or fear of dying.
* Do what is necessary to do. have a live-in or someone there 24/7 (if she has the $ to hire people). Realize she will be belligerent no matter what transpires.
Someone(s) need to take charge and not be ... phased by her reactions. Although this isn't easy, it isn't easy now, either.
Guilt is a huge one. Encourage your mom to get into therapy immediately. Your mom needs to deal with her feelings/guilt in order to move through and forward. This is a family issue - not just your mother. Therapists will work with families. Everyone needs support in these situations.
(@Pokebex I hope there aren't any weapons in your grandmother's house.)
... and I agree with others upthread. Your mother is blessed to have you.
But it doesn't matter - the poor lady is absolutely miserable, and ill, and she's sucking your mother down with her. This has got to change.
So your grandmother "adamantly refuses" all options put to her, does she, and will accept only your mother's increasingly desperate efforts? Well, two can play at that game. Your mother can start adamantly refusing to prop up arrangements that she no longer believes are in her mother's best interests.
You mention on your profile that in addition to her severe mental ill health your grandmother has heart disease, and she has also suffered a broken hip. The reason it's important to look at her world from her point of view is that it explains what she's got to be so angry and unpleasant about. Her target - your poor mother - is very definitely the wrong target, but your grandmother's attitude and current personality make a lot of sense. Which of us would be Sunny Jemima in her place?
I appreciate that by this point you yourself are probably running out of patience and sympathy with her; but don't forget that just as her toxic side has been emerging for years, so have her chronic illnesses and painful conditions. I agree that she has managed to make it all worse! - but that isn't the point. This is still a woman who needs the right kind of help and deserves to have her feelings respected.
You have two cans of worms on your hands:
#1 Grandmother's care plan;
#2 Protecting your mother by helping her construct better boundaries.
#1 You don't need anyone's permission to research possible options. What alternative accommodation is available and affordable for your grandmother? Start by narrowing down what you'd ideally aim for until you've got something like a concrete proposal to make. I know grandmother is refusing, but the time will come when either she will think again or she'll be in no position to refuse, and it's good to have a plan. It also avoids generalised complaints and refusals if she has to come up with real rather than assumed objections.
#2 As a first exercise, get your mother to list what she does for her mother in a typical week - day, activity, time taken. Add what more should ideally be done to improve grandmother's overall quality of life that is simply impossible in current circumstances. Then she should LOOK at it, and see whether anyone on this planet would think it reasonable to continue. Appreciating just how far someone has encroached on your life can be a good first step towards setting more manageable limits.
I don't suppose your mother would want to join us, would she? She'd be very welcome!