I initially moved in with her after a breakup. I planned on finding a place and leaving immediately. I know how her habits have always been and did not want to live with her again. But then Covid hit. I was a carpenter for the last 10 years of my life. I'm 44. As time went by her condition got worse. Now she doesn't take care of herself her dogs or anything. She was always terrible with her hygiene . Now its infinitely worse. I do everything for her right down to bathing her. But without an income I have come close to ruining my life. I get no help from family and she can't pay me. Our relationship has suffered but I understand it's her condition. It has really hurt me to watch her deteriorate and how our relationship once so beautiful has now became her the master and me the slave. In order to continue to do this i need to have an income. She has a service from a place that gives me 7 hours a week to help her which is outrageous to me. She has 2 dogs. Nm doesn't clean, shop, drive, bathe, does absolutely nothing. Doesn't take her medication. I have to tell her to change her undergarments for lack of a better word. None of my family helps . I am alone in this and because of everything she has done for me I will not have them put her in a nursing home to be left there to die alone. She wouldn't do it to me. I will not do it to her. But with all of that being said how do I do this without ruining my future, ruining my credit? I am at a loss here. I don't know what to do. I am not her health proxy. I am nothing really officially to make any decisions. I am not on her will. I have nothing to gain from doing this for her except a clean conscience if anything was to happen to here. I would know that I did everything I can for the most beautiful person I have ever met in my life. The most sefless person I have ever had the honor of being around. I just don't know what I can do. I don't know how I can at least keep my bills paid. Keep myself afloat for as long as I need to until that dreadful day God calls her home. Which is tough to watch in its own right. Breaks me down to my core to see her in the condition she is in. I just need help and dont know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. I'm really in a low place and have thought some bad thoughts about myself that I never had ever thought I'd think. She needs me. I would never act on anything but I do need some help. Thank you to anyone who reads my wall of text and responds. Happy Holidays.
You're only 44 yrs old and have a lot of working years ahead of you, so you can contribute to your own social security when it comes time for you to retire, and without that, unless you have a large amount of money in savings will make your life very difficult when the time comes.
I'm sure your grandmother(if she were in her right mind)would never want that for you, especially if it was because of her.
Your grandmother requires way more care than you alone can provide at this point and as much as you don't want to, she is going to have to placed in the appropriate facility where she will be kept safe, clean and fed.
And if money is an issue, she can apply for Medicaid to pay for her care.
And because you aren't her POA, whoever is(if anyone)is going to have to make that decision. If no one is her POA, then it's best that you call APS and explain the situation and let them take it from there, as it's obvious she can not live by herself, and you can no longer continue living with her, as it's time for you to get on with your life and start looking out for yourself as you already know, no one else will if you don't.
Your grandmother I'm sure wants what is best for you now. She has lived her life, now it's time for you to live yours.
I wish you the very best.
One such guy was an electrician. He moved in with Mommy long ago (many Mommies encourage their single adult sons to move in for this reason around here). He provided care for 15 years, then she fell one too many times, and sibs evicted him from her house. He got a little trailer and moved into the woods.
And then the wildfires came.
Don't be this guy.
Either you find a way to live earning no money, paying no bills, not needing food, clothing or supplies OR
you return to paid employment.
Ether your lovely Grandmother is cured of her Alzheimer's & returns to being independent & can live alone & look after herself OR she needs to be carer for: in her home if endless piles of money or move into a care environment.
I KNOW you want to be the one to provide her care. You have been.. let's call that Plan A.
It was a temporary fix for a long term progressive situation. You did it because you care. Start looking longer term now, for Plan B. Because you care.
Or you could possibly register as a Medicare provider if you get certified as a CNA - most courses are like 6 weeks - and get paid that way.
Hope you find the resources needed to care for Grandma and yourself.
Your grandmother could be happier than you expect in a good facility with friendly staff and residents and lots of activities. She won't die alone if she falls. If you want to continue to be very very close to her, you could spend every evening with her after work – even do a deal with the facility where you eat dinner with her each night. Stop thinking about this as a dreadful alternative, and put your energy into how to make it good for both of you.
It’s probably too hard for her to organise now, but you can do it together. It’s your best New Year resolution!
I'll tell you this: my mother is 95 next month with advanced dementia & lives in one of these 'house of horrors' you mention, a beautiful Memory Care Assisted Living residence. She had the funds to pay for this, by the grace of God, and as a result, has lived to almost 95 years old. She would have been dead long, long ago had she not been in managed care where the nurses saw pneumonia in her 3x already, and got her to the hospital in time for immediate treatment, noticed UTI's and got those treated immediately, got falls taken care of and SO many more issues way too numerous to mention here. I, as one human being, would never have the ability to care for an old woman THIS sickly with THIS many needs in my home. And I have no guilt about it whatsoever, why would I? For me to think my mother 'needs me' to THIS extent is delusional. What she needs from me is love and caring; to be her care advocate and to oversee that she's being properly cared for in her Memory Care and that all of her needs and wants are met. And that I visit her and make sure she has everything on hand to make her life as pleasant as possible. I leave the hands on care giving to those who are qualified to do it.
I think you need to reevaluate what you're doing here. At 44 years old, with no income, no chance for income, trying to single handedly take care of a woman with Alzheimer's which I take it you have no experience with, insisting she'd 'be left alone to die' in a nursing home which is about as far from the truth as it could possibly be. You've attached such a stigma to managed care that you think you and only you are capable and appointed to care for this woman, even if it means you die in the process and/or are left penniless at the end of her life.
Time to reassess your life, my friend.
Nobody should be getting anything, it should all be used for grandma's care.