I’ve been a lurker here for the last month and reading so many people’s posts I feel so less alone and feel so validated. I want to reach out and hug so many posters as they seem to be speaking my mind
im completely frazzled exhausted and mentally tortured by my 83 year mother who has been diagnosed with vascular dementia she’s still high functioning physically speaking but her cognitive is impaired.
she is also on the narcissistic spectrum and was an abusive mother with alcohol dependency (so part of her dementia is also alcohol abuse related). Of course much to her horror because she ‘never drank’ she was a good mother - though I was taken into care at age 14 and never looked back (thank God I left)
I am also an only child (other sibling committed suicide) and her last words to my beautiful brother were ‘get off my property or I’ll call the police’. He was the most doting patient gentle and successful man but she only ever criticised him and me. We were delinquents. I’ve worked full time and paid my bills and rent since I left home at 14 and have a successful career in media. I’ve been fortunate with solid friends and my church community and I’m actually proud of myself and what I’ve achieved. My mother thinks I’m hopeless cos I don’t own my own home. She is one positive little pumpkin!
she got scammed out of thousands of dollars and I stepped in and did what I could to intervene but of course she think I’ve just caused more trouble. She causes so SO many dramas by calling these supposed random friends to get them to talk to her real estate agents to solicitors (she doesn’t speak English she never learnt) and then I have to work out what she done and put a stop to any actions.
Ive been awarded her Financial manager (complete authority) and guardianship. I think she’s been mentally sick for most of her life but I was so RELIEVED when her hypochondria had her call an ambulance complaining that she was dying (she’s done this million times). This time I begged the hospital to keep her in for assessment and to keep her away from her financial scammer. Thank GOD she was eventually diagnosed with dementia. Now she’s in a nursing home one that is highly regarded but she hates everything and is calling all her friends to call her lawyer to arrange for her to leave. She doesn’t want me looking after her affairs though she agreed during the guardianship meeting.
she’s a bloody nightmare bro visit all she does is criticises me tells me what to do (even though she doesn’t understand how to do anything coz of her lack of English and understanding of complex forms)
she is so awful I fear my mental health will decline. I have a heart condition discovered last year when I had a freak cardiac arrest and was in a coma. The hospital called my mother and in her language explained what happened and that they feared I wouldn’t make it through the night so she should come ASAP and she said ‘oh I’m sick I’ve got bad knees and who will pay her rent now?’. She didn’t call me for 6 months!
I have to lessen my visits to her coz she’s killing me. I’m afraid she will be able to return to her home (which we need to sell) and she’ll continue being scammed and everything will be lost.
im a mental mess and emotionally I’m spent
You have a serious medical condition and need to lessen stress to survive.
As regards her returning home leave it up to her to organize it in every way. Let her know you will not help her as it is not in her best interests. Will her friends "help" her to that extent My mother wanted to move to an inferior place (she never was pleased anywhere) and thought this new place would be better which was not true. I told her I couldn't stop her but I would not help her. Was she happy about that? No, but what's new? Do you have POA for her or are you her guardian? I actually communicated with mother's lawyer and filled her in on the problems.
Look after yourself. Have you thought about going to counselling?
i have financial management orders which are above POA and indefinite. Yes also guardianship and yet I still worry. But she isn’t allowed to leave the nursing home I can order the police to return her if she leaves, I have to sell her properties which she also supports and knows is the goal yet she still wants to return home. She thinks her lawyer will help her leave the nursing home but she has no where to go other than another nursing home. So yes I will move her to another place that is just as highly regarded but will save my half a million in fees for the next ten years. That’s fees that are NON refundable and for extra services that she will not use (singing classes sudoku knitting etc she will not participate in those things at all)
i have financial management orders which are above POA and indefinite. Yes also guardianship and yet I still worry. But she isn’t allowed to leave the nursing home I can order the police to return her if she leaves, I have to sell her properties which she also supports and knows is the goal yet she still wants to return home. She thinks her lawyer will help her leave the nursing home but she has no where to go other than another nursing home. So yes I will move her to another place that is just as highly regarded but will save my half a million in fees for the next ten years. That’s fees that are NON refundable and for extra services that she will not use (singing classes sudoku knitting etc she will not participate in those things at all)
im so sorry to hear your story too. My mother holds her will and money over me as well I just wish I could win a huge lottery so I can not worry whether she writes me out of the will. But I have a right to my inheritance as it’s what my late father wanted as well. Surely the state won’t allow the house keeper to get anything? You are her child. Also how is she driving with dementia? Yes it does take a toll on your heart and head they’re like emotional vampires suck you dry and you’re left with an emotional hangover for days - well I am anyway!
surely they can keep her in care and not allow her to live independently?
That would mean she can no longer change her will.
Your mother's toxicity will kill you if you let it. Seek counseling to understand how to set limits. Visit her less. Maybe once a week for one hour or until she "starts in". If she gets nasty, you make no reply. You simply leave.
She has no "hold" over you. Make sure her needs are being met by the NH and live your life with joy.
i must see her limitations and yes counseling will be a priority for me
Have you considered placing her in a facility across the border? I understand that they are lovely, less expensive and she won't be near enough for you to just visit anytime.
She doesn't deserve any more of you or your life, you have made sure that she is safe, warm and cared for, that is more than she gave you.
Please seek counseling to get her out of your head. She is toxic and it is affecting your health.
Take care of you and have fun moving her away🙂
Looks like a number of your concerns have been addressed on scrolling down, such as the guardianship meaning you have control and your mum was considered incompetent for you to get that which negates those concerns re her being able to change anything.
Wherever she was, there would more more than likely be “reasons” for her to hate it. As long as you are satisfied that they are suitable for your mothers needs and lack of English. Do they provide DVD’s of films in her native tongue or audio books? Just a thought - my friend who is Indian loves her Indian musicals for example.
I look forward to hearing that you’ve resolved the the care home to one less expensive - crazy to charge for unused services ! Plus that your life and health are are improved - that cardiac arrest / coma was a shock to read. I certainly don’t blame you for wanting any unnecessary stress avoided.
Thank you for being such a considerate person despite the circumstances - your mum is very lucky you’ve been so good with her.
Hope the New Year brings good health, peace of mind and happiness to you.
Regards
She even says I should of said I was too sick to work after my cardiac arrest so I could receive health benefit payments and live in government housing. SWEET LORD!!! I am a healthy girl who runs everyday with a full life - it was discovered I had a genetic condition that caused the cardiac arrest. So I am incredibly fortunate to have fully recovered yet she wants me to falsely claim I’m too disabled? I laughed outloud couldn’t believe she suggested that (and no it’s not dementia talking she’s said this before). You got to laugh right!
I’ll look into getting DVDs or cable to get her movies to watch. Thankyou.
However she’s a chronic complainer about everything so as you said she won’t be happy anywhere so I have to simply walk away and let her wallow - it’s been her personality all her life.
Wishing your dreams to reality for 2020 for you and your family. Bless you!
What she does or says now is legally and truthfully interpreted only as the result of dementia, a constantly deteriorating situation that will NEVER result in her being capable of caring for herself or making any demands on others ever again.
Hug yourself and remind yourself often that her physical abilities mean nothing in relation to her care from you. YOU hold the paperwork that PROVES she is incapable of managing her affairs.
“Guardianship” is never easily awarded or acquired, but it is your indisputable ticket to your freedom. You are YOU, an accomplished, independent individual. Revel in that! You deserve the opportunity to do so!
I’ve reread your words I needed to hear all that.
I made chocolate cake for the nursing staff for Christmas and she couldn’t understand why I would do that, why waste money on those ‘hopeless nurses’.
Im going to keep baking for them cos it brings me joy and annoys her! Win win!
SO NOW IM DONE! Everything I do from now will be to finish the job of tying up the loose ends selling property and putting her in permanent care that’s affordable with a good rating.
I will be getting counseling without a doubt I just still have a fair amount to do still - and really in the end it’s my inheritance so it’s not all for her in the end. My conscience remains clear and I won’t stop being a kind generous human coz that’s just how I am. I’ll never be her and I thank God I’m not!
You have to be a strong person to do what u have done. Don't allow her to bring her down. I also suggest losing the phone. Tell the staff if u take it. My daughter says a report has to be made only to find out a family member took the phone.
She’ll freely say a million thankyou‘s to staff bringing her a cup of tea but to me - not once has she said Thankyou.
However because of this AWESOME community on here I feel completely validated now to remove myself from her life as soon as I sought out her affairs.
She can then drive other people towards Xanax and leave me in peace. As you say NH can look after all her things whether she likes that or not. I cannot wait
I feel sad for her. Being angry at anyone's happiness..especially her only daughters. I wish you the best of luck as i too am trying to save myself.
Your mother sounds like mine in that she hates seeing or hearing anyone being happy so she puts a stop to it - it’s like the ultimate in irritation to her. Sing louder girl uplifting music has partially saved me so many times it’s a powerful healer, put headphones on and sing.
how are you taking care of her now? Does she live with you or have you moved in with her? Please make a plan to change the situation- anything to help you right now. Has she got dementia? Is she functioning fully?
its hard being the only child and I hate when people think it’s all because of the dementia and say ‘she loves you in her own way’ and I’m like - ummm no