Frustrated daughter. Why do I feel guilty?

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Frustrated daughter. Why do I feel guilty?

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I’m at my wits end with my 82 year old mother. She has been housebound for over 2 years now and in that time I have arranged Carers, get her shopping every week whilst holding down a full time job and struggling with my own health she was shouting in front of my son last week that I have no feelings and I’m selfish and I’m a nasty person. I have decided to walk away from her as I’ve had enough but can’t help feeling guilty but can’t forgive her for saying all these things about me. Why do I feel guilty?

Burnout Guilt Mental Health

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Because our moms know exactly how to push the control buttons, they did install them after all.

You are right to back off, she needs to see exactly what you do and then apologize for being so ungrateful and nasty.

Keep your boundaries strong, it will serve you well in the journey ahead.

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I feel your pain all too well. You are absolutely correct; she is absolutely in the wrong. Stick to your decision. If you don’t, she will continue to treat you poorly. By backing away, she will have the opportunity to see all that you do for her and start appreciating you.

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It’s never wrong to guard your own emotional and physical health. I’m glad you have. Maybe the guilt is really sadness that it can’t be better or different.

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Very intuitive response. Struck a chord with me immediately. Thank you.

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You feel guilty because you are a good person and want to help her. If you were nasty and selfish, you would not feel guilty.
Your mum is acting out probably because she is housebound and frustrated. That doesn't mean she can take it out on you, especially in front of your son.. he doesn't need to see his mum treated that way.
I would tell her that you are happy to be there for her if she is able to treat you with respect and kindness and that you are only interested in a positive relationship with her but if she does not want to do that then it is her choice that you stay away. The decision is up to her, don't feel guilty if she makes the wrong choice.

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Please take some time and back away from this situation. Your mom is angry at where her life is now and she wants everyone else to feel as bad as she does. As you see...it is working.

You can't make her happy until she wants it for herself. Take care of yourself now.

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dementia...means BRAIN DEATH. so it isn't a matter of "wanting it for herself"

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Your profile says Mom has a Dementia. This is part of it. The Caregiver gets the brunt of their anger. They no longer can empathize or reason. They lose the ability. They become self-centered like small children. She does not understand that you work f/t and have children to care for. She just thinks you should be there all the time.

If she is living alone, you are going to need to make a decision where you are going to place her. I can tell, you will not be able to care for her and Dementia get worse. With my mom, she declined monthly.

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I'm sorry. But where did it say the OP is dealing with her mother having dementia? I may have missed a post. TIA

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Out of the responses on this thread, the only one that actually makes sense is JoAnn29. A person with dementia cannot choose and decide what kind of relationship they're going to have with someone. They often become like children. The kind of children that inspire celibacy in a person or make them fastidious about birth control. The kind that make us all want to slap them across the room.
We all know kids like this.
We all know elders like this.
Seniors even the ones with dementia will take their frustrations, anger, and even downright nastiness out on the people they're closest to because they are safe targets. Chances are an elder with dementia who behaves to their daughter (it's almost always a daughter who takes it) how Taylorb1's mother does to her, more times than not has always behaved so to them. In the past before dementia they were sharper and better at gaslighting, guilting, and cutting them down so they weren't resorting to the screaming and yelling in front of the grandkids.
Taylorb1, you feel guilty about walking away because you've been conditioned to feel guilty. All of us have. We've all been taught all of our lives that if a person (especially a family member) is sick or in need, you help and take care of them. You know your mom is old and has dementia. She's sick and in need so you're trying to do for her. She's also your mother and it's hard for anyone no matter how old they are to have their own mother say terrible things to and about them.
You're right to walk away from the caregiving situation. Your mother needs more than you can provide. You aren't just walking away and leaving her to fend for herself. You've arranged care services to go to her house.
When you and your son visit her, if she starts up with either one of you, leave immediately. I find that in almost 25 years of in-home caregiving that the best course of action when the mean, nasty, spiteful, instigating behaviors start is to walk away and completely ignore the person. Do not even acknowledge their existence. I can't tell you how many times I've served a meal or did the hands-on care for some senior in absolute and total silence because this was the only way to maintain the level of patience someone needs to have in order to care for these people.
You do the same. If homecare does not work out for your mother, then she will need a care facility. Either way, you will do the right thing to make sure she gets the care she needs. You or your son tolerating her verbal abuse is not part of getting her proper care.

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You say your mother has Dementia. Her brain is dying. Her perceptions and actions are warped by the brain death she is experiencing.
You are burnt out and are blaming someone who has no control for her lack of control, in words and deeds. For your sake, your children's sake, and your mother's sake...place her somewhere she can get the care she deserves.
You can then check in on her and leave if she's annoying.

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There is no place in anyone's life for toxic people. Whether they are related or not. Would you tolerate an acquaintance speaking to you in that manner? Would you feel guilty walking away from an acquaintance who treated you like that?
Part of our problem as caregivers to our parents, IMHO, is we are taught to treat our elders with respect. But when that respect is not mutual, then it should be "Bye, Felicia!". So, go in peace, your mom doesn't deserve you.

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she omitted the fact that her mother has dementia and is not responsible for her actions.
She's burnt out. And the mother needs better care but it doesn't make the mother "toxic"

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It’s called “daughter-guilt”. Because society tells us to be a good daughter we must bend over backwards and look after our parents and nurture even at our own expense, despite it possibly being detrimental to our own mental health and well being.

Now, my first question would be - has your mom always been this nasty? If yes, then you’ve allowed yourself to be a doormat for a long time, so she’s just used to treating you this way. You know Einstein’s theory of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results? That’s you, sweetheart.

However, if this has been out of the norm up until her decline then that would be the Alzheimer’s, and more characteristic to her losing herself than anything else. Some people with dementia turn nasty when once were nice. In the case with my MIL, she’s mellowed where once she was a she-demon from hell. It’s like Forrest Gump’s box of chocolates - you never know what you’re going to get.

Give yourself a good long break. Have the caregivers look after her. Have groceries delivered, and and check in after a week or two once her mood has mellowed.

Just pray that you’re not like this when you’re older with your own children…

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I know that guilt. In the month since I hit a wall (unable to fulfill her continuing demands of 24/7 care exclusively by me) my mother went into respite care (waiting for a LTC bed) I have been consumed with guilt, but I am thoroughly enjoying having time with my husband and children. Especially important as one child is preparing to leave for university. Finally, an uninterrupted conversation, phone call, meal, swim, tv show, nap, night’s sleep...

I/we visit her at least once a week and the visits are pleasant. She’s more relaxed than I’ve ever seen her. She’s always been difficult so we’re never sure how much is the advanced dementia and how much is just herself unleashed.

Bottom line: Save yourself. Her demands will only increase, as you are physically and mentally destroyed. I could barely walk but she’d keep barking orders. I was recovering post-op and she’d wake me constantly. We live next door to each other so I could not get away. I tried bringing in caregivers to give myself 4 hours off but she blew.

Say it with me: “I deserve to live my own life with my family and friends. I deserve control over my own time. I deserve downtime when I am ill or injured. I deserve to be treated with courtesy. I have done a lot and have no real reason to feel guilty.”

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big hug!!!!!

and thank you for encouraging the rest of us in similar situations.

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You feel guilty as many do because no matter what we do for our LOs there is always more that needs to be done and its an endless loop. It doesn't help when your mother is unappreciative and shouting at you.

Stepping away is the right thing to do, just make sure her carers show up and mom is cared for.

It may be time for other options such as having her live in the appropriate facility. Start checking out facilities that match her needs. You can still be her caregiver from a distance making sure her needs are met. Also know that her actions may be spurred on by her disease and is no longer able to control her fears, anger, or other emotions.

Give yourself some grace and forgive yourself, we can only do what we can do.

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Being accused of being *selfish* hurts. As a kid it was the worst thing to be accused of, right?

Is it actually selfish to be caring, organising & doing all for Mother to keep her in her home these last few years? No. If course not. So disregard it. Is it actually selfish of your Mother to expect you meet her needs at the expense of your own? Yes. But disregard that as a byproduct of aging/brain changes. She is angry is all. Angry she got old or sick or lost her independence. Sure. But it's not your fault. It's also not within your ability to fix it.

In order to HELP Mother (use that word) consider getting an up to date medical checkup & a needs assessment done. Then have THE CHAT to Mom to work out a future path.

*Aging in Place* or *staying home* is not always forever.. so add on *as long as possible*.

What will *possible/not possible* look like?

For my relative *aging in place* is No 1, but it comes with being (nearly) housebound & frequest falls. There is no future planning. I have accepted there is no willingness or ability to do so. So we (legally must) await the real world to initiate such change ie awaiting a crises to effect change. (A broken hip, a head strike, a kitchen fire) ☹️

But somewhere along the way I lost the guilt. I moved myself from Fixer to Advocate which seemed to do it.

I wish you strength for the journey.

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“Fixer to advocator”
perfectly said! Thanks!

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What a nasty, selfish, uncaring mother - she is not a nice or kind person and she wants to be in control and get her way and get attention - YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL GUILTY. You have done nothing wrong to deserve this treatment and if you allow it from you, you are a fool. Tell her now in uncertain terms that she is to stop her nasty behavior at once and never to act this way again. I doubt she will stop so therefore I think it is best that you find a way to have a caretaker take over ALL interactions with you or better yet remove her and place her into a facility so you can live a normal life. You do NOT deserve this treatment and must NOT put up with it.

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Taylorb1, you've gotten good advice here. Has your mother been like this all of your life? Did she raise you to always put her first and feel guilty if you didn't? Is she unreasonable in her demands of you? For yourself, your family, and your mother, please explore the options to find her 24/7 care so you can be sure she is safe and cared for, and give you some peace. Research to find out if your mother has narcissistic tendencies, and what boundaries and protections you can make for yourself because you have already done so much for her. I wish you the best.

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I always smile to myself when someone calls another "selfish". In the other words, they are saying, "Don't please you, please me". Now, who is being selfish?

Caregiving does not give the person you are taking care of the right to treat you badly. It has no place in any relationship. Do not feel bad or guilty. You deserve time off, days without stress, and lots of time to do the things you want to do. You are truly a sweetheart for doing the things you have already done.

She can say all the horrible things she wants. You can't stop her. Just know that she can't help it. She may be scared or angry at her own life but that does not give her (or anyone) the right to take it out on another person nor does she (or anyone) have the right to ask you to take care of her.

Caregiving is a gift we give another. It is not a demand or obligation. We don't call it "caredemand", do we? We should be appreciated, not abused.

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May I say that caregiving has also become a profession? And it deserves to be paid what it’s worth. The notion that this is a daughter’s job (not a son’s) to take on at the expense of her own life is outdated & untenable. Especially if she is still working. Siblings have to come together to work out something fair to all sides.

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Taylorb1: As your profile says that your mother has dementia, you will be unable to change what she verbalizes or does. I am sorry that your mother is ill.

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You can walk away, but you can come back if you want. I stopped speaking to my mom (different, I know) for four months as my boyfriend at the time saw that every time I was on the phone with my mom, I would end up crying (not about him by the way).

You just noted that your son was being verbally abused - perhaps that is the end or at least a point to write her a note so she notices how negatively her behavior affected you. If she is combative and it is due to the dementia, that is a medical issue. If she's always been this way, pull back and reassess each time you pull back.

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Sorta in the same situation. Mom’s recovering in rehab, but now is unable to ambulate, is total care. Prior to that, I was going to their home several days a week cleaning, shopping and making meals. My mother is worse than anyone can imagine. Except now, I have POA and HCS. She will be going into Nursing Home. (I have my siblings onboard) My husband is very ill and I have health issues as well. We are retired and live 20 minutes away from her home. Her partner is 88 and is unable to help/care for her. The sad part about it, is they do not want anyone in their home, except me. I’m exhausted, frustrated and feel guilty. However sometimes you have to step out of the situation and review the problem and I’m okay.

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Your mom and her partner might WANT only you as a helper, but "You can't always get what you want." (Rolling Stones). Nursing Home placement should relieve some of your exhaustion.

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Had your mother always been critical and demanding or is this new behavior accompanying her decline? She is trying to bully and guilt you into doing the things she wants you to do. Do the things you are able and willing to do. If your mother whines and hollers about wanting more, let her holler and whine.

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Prole say things they don't really mean in Anger.

Sonetime they say them because they are scared of thinking they have to go live in a Nursing Home and they don't want to go which I don't blame them as they're the last place you would want to I've in. They are all understaffed and the patients get over medicated and you lose whatever dignity you have.

Try to make amends with your mom. Let your sin know that Grand ma's act out too and you and Grandma have things to work out.

Get help so you won't fill so overloaded.

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Is it possible that maybe you have inadvertently (or even overtly) exposed your frustration and resentment to your Mom? This is so normal and unavoidable and we've all done it because we're human. Your Mom is human too, most likely feeling scared at her failing body and lack of control and she is exposing her fear and panic in the form of anger. Between the lines, it appears that you both still want and need and love each other. Give yourself a break, then try to re-connect with your Mom - I don't think you will regret it.

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When in doubt seek the aid of a therapist.

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Most adult children feel a responsibility to care for their aging parents. Most feel they should be "hands-on" in the care, especially women. You have arranged for caretakers and bringing groceries while working fulltime and having your own healthcare issues.

May I suggest:
Arranging for grocery delivery and transportation for your mother for appointments and such. As much as possible, all mom's care should be paid for with her own resources, not yours.

Take time to get your own health needs met. You can't make sure mom is OK if you're in a hospital bed. Take a "vacation" from mom to get your own appointments and treatments completed. Tell her, "The doctor needs me to get all these appointments and treatments done. I will visit once they are completed." Let the rest of the family know about your "medical vacation." Ask them to visit more often while you take care of yourself.

Take "time off" from your mom to meet your own social needs. Everybody needs time to do things they enjoy with people they find enjoyable. This is vital self-care not being selfish.

Expect mom to throw a fit. You are not nasty or selfish for taking care of your health and needs. Nobody else will take care of your needs; you need to do that. Reinforce to your mom that you do care and visits/calls show that care. Don't believe the words she throws at you in her frustration of not getting her way.

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Maybe your guilt is actually not guilt at all. You are hurting, and probably physically & mentally exhausted. Only saying this because I have experienced similarity. When our Mom says hurtful words, to us or in front of others, we are embarrassed and ashamed. My mother had a tantrum in front of my nine year old granddaughter, her great granddaughter. It is a moment I will never forget and unfortunately my granddaughter will not either. What I am grateful for is how I responded in that moment. As I am sure you know, we do not have the ability to change others but we can change ourselves. Please do not feel guilt. Take the time to take care of yourself and those who appreciate you.
Now, another perspective is to maybe consider the state of mind your mother is in. Has she always treated you this way or is it new? Sometimes for various reasons, people change due to medical conditions or other life changes. You probably already know this but just wanted to remind you. Take care of yourself!

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I’m certain she’s very lonely and thus the verbal lashing out due to frustration. Seems the elderly are invisible in today’s society. No longer honored and highly regarded. Punished for their inevitable aging. She needs to get involved in a church. Have some socializing.

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I'm in a similar situation. I have always had a difficult relationship with my mother. She is stubborn, closed-minded and narcissistic. She is never wrong and anyone who tried to have a realistic conversation with her is "criticizing" her. My two brothers have stopped talking to her and I am the only one still in her life. (This makes me extremely bitter, since one of my brothers lives 5 minutes from her and I am 2 hours away.) I find myself wishing I could be like my brothers and cut her out of my life, but I can't, because I have morals... she may be very difficult, but her health is declining and she really needs help. I don't know what she would do without me scheduling all of her doctor's appointments and making sure she gets the care she needs. That being said, you can't let your mother ruin your life. She needs help, but... you can't let her ruin your life! Distance yourself as you as much you can. Sometimes in order to preserve my mental health I just can't engage with her. When she's condescending or relentlessly negative and I know nothing I say with help, I just don't respond or respond with "Okay, Mom." Then do what needs to be done and get out of there. Caregivers have really been a help to me. They don't have 35 years of emotional baggage to deal with as they're caring for her... it is a job for them and then can remain emotionally unattached.

Good luck. You are not the only one dealing with this, and recognizing that has been a comfort to me.

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Guilt is often part of the package in growing up with a dysfunctional parent, whether they are narcissistic, mentally ill, alcoholic, etc. And then it can explode when dealing with an aging parent. Do not feel bad or guilty for wanting to distance yourself from her. It is healthy to do that! Having other family members who have nothing to do with her adds gasoline to the fire. I'm experiencing that now. At first I was really angry but I don't feel like giving my energy away to that. Do everything to protect yourself and your son. Have other caregivers work with her as much as possible. At some point assisted living may be the best option. They often have different levels of care. Take care of yourself.

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Don’t worry about forgiving her.
She likely isn’t in control of her emotions and comments and doesn’t know if you’ve forgiven her or not. It’s incredibly hard and so sad to come to this time in your life with your mother. Most of us can’t help but react to this with guilt, but this is different.
You can eventually look back and realize what this really is.
The worst thing about this situation is that no matter how much you do, nothing will get better. For you, this can cause anxiety and depression.
It’s a healthy and necessary decision to stop what you’re doing for your mother and find other care.
Guilt is a natural reaction and after some time you may be able to realize that you’re not guilty of anything.

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Maybe some of what you’re experiencing is grief. There are so many things to grieve over in what you told us. Feel your feelings of grief and hurt and set boundaries as best you can. Good luck.

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Frustrated daughter. Why do I feel guilty?

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