Friend with Alzheimer’s is now having trouble playing with our team. How do I tell her husband it is time for her to quit?

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Friend with Alzheimer’s is now having trouble playing with our team. How do I tell her husband it is time for her to quit?

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Cognitive Decline Senior Activities

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mdld3207: Yes, thanks for returning. Lawn bowling is such a beautiful sport. Perhaps you can pull this friend aside and ask if you can help her. I have friends who are bocce experts and live in Cali. Note to Countrymouse.

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I seem to recall reading that a major issue in some forms of dementia is misperception of thresholds between rooms and on other services. I don't know if it would help, but you might consider using brightly colored duct tape at the lip of the court while you play.

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Mbld, thank you for coming back! I'm sorry if we were unfair to you - it does happen that in the absence of information people can sometimes pick up an idea and run wild with it; but you've cleared everything up beautifully.

The trip hazard seems to be the practical problem; so I googled accessible bocce ball* and there are quite a lot of articles about it including:

Cape must upgrade bocce court's accessibility - NBC-2.com WBBH ...
www.nbc-2.com/story/14273055/.../cape-bocce-court-not-handicap-accessible-enough
17 Mar 2011 - Cape Coral is facing possible legal action if a city bocce ball court isn't ...

Is there an accessible court where your team plays? Might you be able to get one set up?

Then there is your friend's sadness and frustration, perhaps because she's losing her train of thought during rounds? That is of course much more difficult to relieve; but perhaps your opposing team might agree to her being "buddied" by one other player who can guide her throughout; and perhaps you could each take it in turns to do this?

Looking ahead, I know you can get nice, well-made indoor boules sets because my toddler son dropped the jack from mine into my crystal vase and shattered the base of it - ! It's not just elders who can be problematic around this game :)

I agree that you might want to discuss the lady's difficulties with her husband, but listen rather than talk to him. He'll want to ensure that she benefits from the socialisation for as long as possible, and he'll be hugely relieved to know that you're all willing to help him find a way to let her back off slowly without losing face or contact with you.

High five! Hope you find a way.

*what is bocce ball??? You learn something every day! - thank you :)

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mbld3207, thank you so much for coming back. Wish we'd known the details from the start. Please tell us how you sort this out, and how it works. Many people are in or will be in a similar situation, and we learn from each other.

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robinr, thank you for your understanding. I really got slammed, didn’t I ?! The sport is Bocce Ball. This sweet friend is loved by all of us and we have been doing everything we can to enable her to keep playing with us. No, we are not in it to win it, we just enjoy playing with all the wonderful ladies in our neighborhood. I can tell you that I have never been rude or spiteful in my life and have always put others first. My friend we are concerned about plays very well most of the time, in fact often plays better than all of us! Our concern is for her feelings and her safety.
Many times she is on the verge of tears when we have to help her play and she trips over the edging around the court more and more.
Yes, my mom has Alzheimer’s and is declining. I also know I might get it too so am hyper-aware of how people with this disease are treated. Being a caregiver I have had much training and done much research so I bring a lot to the table.
Our concern is not about winning but for what is best for her.
I would never dream of slamming anyone in person or behind the shield of a forum that is for giving support.
Thank you to those of you who took the high road and were kind to me in spite of my error of not giving enough info. God bless.

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Until mbld3207 can find the time to return here and explain more, there is not much we can do to help. Given that the profile indicates mbld3207's mother has/had dementia, it is difficult to understand how there is not more compassion for this person, as he/she is or has been going down the same road.

Socializing is VERY important for dementia sufferers - it can help keep them involved longer in life activities. If you shut this person out, they may not understand why and become withdrawn and spiral down quicker. You cared about this person before, enough to include her in your TEAM, do you not care about her anymore because she is struggling with something that is out of her control?

If this "team" sport is something physical and she might get hurt, do as others have suggested - find a way for the person to contribute in another way, or as the bowling man did, join a league (or for these team members here CREATE a new team) of less competitive and driven to win members, who are more driven to have fun AND be in a social group! That bowling team was AWESOME!

If it is more like card or board games, consider asking some of the others to create a new team/day to play just for fun - that way she can still "play" but the outcome is not important. Make it into a fun social gathering - tea, cakes/cookies and lots of FUN! She still shows up, so she is still interested - why shut her out completely???

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How about getting them to coach in some way instead.

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Yes, I think we should have waited until a better explaination was given before we critisized. Probably scared them off. Sorry to say, there does come a time when a Dementia / Alz patient can no longer "join in". Its frustrating for them as it is for the other people.

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I think sometimes the posters don't get the reinforcement they want for their approach, and just never return. I'd like to think though that she's evaluating responses and will stop back to thank all those who posted and clarify the issue of what kind of a group this is.

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I echo the wish that we had more info about what kind of team and who the other participants are, we often respond from an emotional place and misinterpret what is being said on these topics while using social media type methods so try to understand that. As you can see anything can be a touchy subject to someone based on their past experiences and sometimes our reactions take us by surprise

It's all very new to you I'm sure, you haven't been living with this person while she has been declining so perhaps you didn't word your question in the best way but it seems to me you took the time and put in the effort to find a group to ask which says to me you care about this person and are trying to protect them. My suspicion is there may be talk amongst the group about how to deal with this and either you are a leader being pressured into removing her but that isn't what you necessarily want to do or others are planning to do this and you want to make sure it's done in the best way possible. I would suggest listening to some of the suggestions here about finding some way for your friend to remain involved. Perhaps there is even a way that she wont even realize the change is directed at her in a negative way. Her spouse probably already knows it's a problem and is tortured knowing something needs to change and not wanting to do that to her maybe your suggestion or just you broaching the subject with the lead that you want to keep her involved will be a big relief to him and the kindest thing you can do.

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Competitive sport, even at the Masters level, already has a mechanism in place to cull players who don't make the cut, I am doubtful that this team is doing anything at that level.

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Playing what? Bridge? Golf? Ice hockey? It really does make all the difference.

How frustrating vanishing posters are sometimes!

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More info is badly needed. Is your team striving for regional/state/national/world championship? Is the team *realistically* in a position to consider stepping back, to become more of a "club" or "community" than a competitor?

Many times, the answer is to find a meaningful role for the person who can no longer compete actively. Sometimes, the answer is to let them do whatever they can, and let the results go where they may.

BUT ... IF a team is striving towards a specific goal, the answer may vary.

Long-winded way of asking for more information, please!

Unfortunately (perhaps) the decision is up to the group, not the spouse ... unless said spouse insists that the person keep on participating at the old level.

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My husband was a great bowler in his youth, but gave it up when he quit smoking and bowling alleys were always so smokey. After he got dementia he learned at the senior center about a bowling league they sponsored for older folks. He joined. They bowled once a week in the morning (when demand for alleys was low) at a considerable discount. They had a holiday pot luck and seemed a real social group. My husband had to go down a size in balls, and then he went to a child's weight ball. While his old scores had always been well above 200, he was now pleased to break 100. Those geezers were happy to have them join them and seemed very protective of him. Once when I walked to the door with him the ball bag twisted in his hand and he fell just inside the door. Four guys were there immediately, put his cap back on his head and helped him up. I suggested that maybe I should take him back home but they assured me they'd keep an eye on him and call me if necessary. He stayed. When he got home I discovered why the guys were so eager to get his cap back on even though he was inside. He had a small cut that had bled a little. They were like junior high kids shielding a buddy from an over-protective mother!

I found out later about some of them helping him in the bathroom from time to time.

In her condolence call on me, one of his teammates said she found his attitude inspiring. When you can't do as well as you used to do, do as well as you can. She said she'd always remember him.

Being in this league was immensely beneficial to my husband, for the couple of years he was able to do it. I think it was beneficial to the other members as well.

Mbld3207, I hope you come back and explain the team a little more, and tell us what is happening with the woman with ALZ. I know that it can be a really blessing for someone with dementia to be accepted in activities with "normal" people. It may not always be possible, of course. But if there is any way some modifications can be made or some other role found for your friend, I certainly hope your team will consider it.

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If you're a friend, you wouldn't abandon your friend. She herself would know, when to drop out. Every bit of physical activity helps her to retain her abilities. A friend's happiness comes before a team's transient success or failure. After all, at the end, only those things matter. It's quite normal to lose sight. Be kind and discuss with other team members and try your best to extend your support to her.

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I would ask yourself if this is what you would want. It's okay to feel the way you do, memory loss can cause a friend of the one w ALZ to step away and mean well. Your idea of talking w her husband is a great idea. Perhaps he's not aware of her cognitive decline-maybe he is and has tips to share. As a health care provider of 15 yrs please support the couple and find ways to aid her in the game w out demeaning her. laughter helps,que comments(like que cards),adding a sticker to important/high value cards, a review of rules,shorter games but add 1 'finale" round.

kind regards.

listen and understand as though she was you and you had the ALZ

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Hopefully your teams compassion is greater than what yours seems to be and God forbid you don't have the same future.
My mother's bowling team allowed her to bowl not counting her score in the end but prior to that they would allow me to bowl for her last game when she would get too tired to remember to throw the 2nd ball or refused to throw at all. I became friends with them and they all were completely supportive not exclusive.
I will pray for you.

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MBLD, I see your mom has dementia and having some issues with her team/neighbors being mean to her, leaving her out. Are you and teammates being kind to your friend? How does mom feel? What can you do to help her? Feeling included, loved and cared for is an excellent start. Understanding and patience.

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MBLD, how you feel if that person was you?

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I am so happy to read all of the supportive responses! Competition or no competition, the human spirit and bring a goid neighbor to those who need it most should trump winning. Thank you.

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mdld3207: Team could mean sports, social, work? More info is needed.

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What strikes me most about this question is that you feel you need to tell her husband instead of talking to her. I assume that anyone who is still able to be part of a team is pretty high functioning, although she must be aware that she has Alzheimer's and that her abilities are failing. The courageous thing to do is to speak to her directly, point out the things she is having trouble with and work with them both towards a solution, perhaps she can still play in a limited fashion or, as I stated before, help with the team in another way.

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I think it's important to educate yourself on dementia and perhaps you can learn how to modify things for this person so she can stay in the game as long as possible. Maybe the game becomes a little different, not so competitive, whatever the game may be. You didn't say what the game was so it's hard to give you any meaningful answers. But let's suffice it to say that if she is truly a friend of yours, then I would hope you could find some options to keep her on the team. It would mean the world to her, that I do know. Eventually, she will have to leave the team, but try to make it later than sooner. Dementia will steal everything she has at some point.
If she truly can no longer play the game, modified or otherwise, then you need to have a compassionate, honest talk with her husband. But to be honest with you, you should have had that discussion with him already knowing that the dementia was going to rob her of her ability to play eventually. Be kind, compassionate and a friend. Good luck.

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I agree that it might be helpful if we knew the type of activity your team competes in, however, basically my answer would probably be the same...
The person with Dementia and their primary Care Provider (assume her husband, in this case) have a long and very difficult road ahead of them! Whatever you can do to ease their journey and especially to help preserve her dignity at all costs is the 'right' thing to do in this case. Brainstorm with your team mates some way (*any* way) she might still be able to be included. Others have suggested some specifics you might consider. On the other hand, if you can think of no way she can continue participating and she must be asked to drop out, is there a valid reason why you or someone else on the team can't break the bad news to her? Why does it have to be her husband who must tell her? Remember ladies... after all is said and done, her husband must continue to live with her and she will need someone she trusts and can count on to shield her from the many disappointments and hurts she will definitely feel as this disease progresses. How nice for her if you could somehow give her the gift of allowing that person to continue being her husband. Please get creative in finding some best solutions. This is your opportunity to do the right thing and give someone the gift of your sensitivity, understanding and support. She and her husband will be gifted with your kindness and understanding and equally as important... you will benefit too.

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Please find a way to be inclusive and kind. I assume the other players on your "team" are approximately the same age as your friend. How would you want it handled if you were the teammate with dementia?

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I wish that you had given us more details about your team sport. However, it struck me as being self-centered and self-absorbed. You must value winning over the well-being of a team member.
You may think my response is harsh, but I own a caregiving biz for memory loss. In far too many instances, I have seen friends distance themselves as the person's disease progressed. The absence of friends makes their decline worse.
You might want to know that the only useful tools for fighting memory loss are socialization and memory loss. Thus if you decide to remove this person from your team, you have cut off the two avenues for fighting memory loss. I suggest you find another role for her, as others have suggested. If you decide to get rid of her, I wish you a guilty conscience and many losses for your team. Get over it!

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My dad beat me at Gin Rummy to the point I thought it was sleight of hand. I knew his mind was slipping those final months when I began to win, but those wins were not sweet. Soon after, cards began slipping from his grasp. Yet even with dementia, he held onto his love for his friends and family.

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Be compassionate. And if the team can also extend their understanding and be able to use her somehow, it will help all. One of the worse things that can happen to a person with ALZ is that their friends begin to distance themselves. It happened to my Mom and it was very hard for her; after playing cards once a week for many years with the same 3 'friends,' she was told she could not play any more and it really hurt her...not because she could not play, but because she felt betrayed and not wanted.
Be kind. And do use this situation to bring others to kindness and understanding as well.

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I am wondering what kind of team also. So, it depends.

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One of the members of my bridge club has Alzheimer's, but she still plays a mean game of bridge even if she doesn't know who are partner is or what city she is in. It is really bizarre how the brain works! However, if the member of your team is causing you to lose, then you need to explain to her husband.

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Friend with Alzheimer’s is now having trouble playing with our team. How do I tell her husband it is time for her to quit?

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