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I broke my foot 4 years ago (hard to believe anybody could be so dumb they don't get this figured out for so long!) but the point is, I have to have a very involved surgery to fuse some bones and re-attach the tendons and ligaments that I tore. I think this is a grade 4 break/tear. I will be in a boot for 6-8 weeks and using a scooter to get around.


I will be honest that I am terrified. I went through 16+ months of cancer tx in 2019-2020 and DH did as little as was humanly possible. With cancer, I could still clean, cook and run the show. With this, I will be totally bedridden for 2 weeks and then slowly up, but not weight bearing for 4 weeks.


Our house is a split entry. Stairs everywhere. I sleep downstairs and DH has the master suite. Long backstory, but primarily he chose to have a huge screen TV in the bedroom instead of me, so I moved out 5 years ago.


He SAYS he will step up and do better. I don't trust him AT ALL to care for me. But, really, going into a rehab facility sounds awful. He'd probably be thrilled b/c he could just do nothing and I'll heal without his help.


I made a list of 'to do's'--daily and weekly chores to keep the house running. He looked at this double-columned list and got a little panicky. He cannot cook, vaccum, do laundry, mow lawns---he works at his job and I do all the rest. So even if I am not 'HERE' all this stuff still needs to be done.


I refuse to eat McDonald's twice a day for 6 weeks and I think it's high time he stepped up and helped ME for a change.


I have to make a decision soon, b/c the surgery is on the 22nd. I already know it's going to be super painful, and he will need to get up for a few nights to swap out ice packs. I'm not even sure he can do that.


My foot has hurt terribly for 4 straight years and 3 different docs looked at it and said they couldn't help. I went to an orthopedic surgeon and he did MRI's and X-rays and could show me that I had torn the heck out of my foot. It's nice, in a weird way to KNOW that I am not crazy.


I do NOT want to go into a rehab facility and know if DH will simply step up a little bit, I can be home. But.....the past says not only will he not, he will be angry the whole time.


I'm anxious---PLUS I turn 65 this Friday and I HATE birthdays. (That has nothing to do with this.)

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Mid,
I am married to someone with mental illness.

I have had surgeries, and man, did I hear about all he had to do later. He did my list of chores for one week, then handed it back to me. Had no idea that he needed to start at the top and do them all again. I gave up. It wasn’t worth the hassle. That example was the least awful of all he did.

I would go into a rehab, if I were facing what you’re facing.

My friend went to a gorgeous rehab years ago. It was run by a private religious organization, of which she did not belong. I walked in there, and it smelled like yummy chicken soup.

Maybe you can shop around, and find one that suits your fancy?

Praying for you.
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Mid, I'm with CX.

Alternatively, do any of your kids live in a one level home? Could you go there and hire help?

Having read your posts over the years, I think I would look at this as a trial separation...sort of "Independence Day" for you.

You have retirement money saved; this is the time to use it for the best, most restful care possible

Happy birthday in advance!
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You already know the answer to your question without any of us having to answer it, but I will go ahead and answer it anyway. Of course you will need to go directly to a rehab facility, so you will receive the proper care you need and deserve. After putting up with this pain for over 4 years, why would you want to do anything to jeopardize your recovery?
Unfortunately your husband is not equipped to be a caregiver of any kind, so do yourself(and him) a favor and call the rehab facility today. I hope you also have the appropriate paperwork in place for when you get older, and need any type of care, since you already know that you can't depend on him. It's best to get your ducks in a row now.
I hope and pray that everything goes well with your surgery, and don't be in a hurry to leave rehab and go home. Let them do their job and take good care of you.
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You have already been there done that, I don't get why you keep fantasizing that your husband will suddenly do what he has never done before. Sure you can skip rehab BUT you can't count on him to be the one to make that possible, to make it work you'd need to figure out a (realistic) plan C.
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I am 79 and my husband is 80. While I would not "look forward" to rehab I would try to buy as much time as I am able there. I would also think of hiring some folks to come into my home for a while, to help both hubby and me. Some average about 30.00 a week with minimum of 4 hours a week 3 days a week, and will even help with meals and lunch. I frankly would be afraid of the scooter. I have a friend who needs foot surgery who was told by doc that due to hip and knee issues the scooter she would need for 6-8 weeks not an option for her. Get as much help as you are able and take advantage of as much help as you can get.
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My 66 YO SIL had a catastrophic fall over Easter weekend. Fell down a flight of concrete basement steps, broke her wrist, fractured 3 ribs, had a concussion. Spent 2 days in the hospital. As soon as I heard about it, I told hubby "she needs to go straight to rehab out of the hospital." Like you, lots of steps in the house. Plus, my SIL would never, ever have been able to sit still and not do all the "little things" around the house that always, always need to get done. She so didn't want to go to rehab, but fortunately we were able to talk her into it; once she was home, she acknowledged it was what she needed before she could even think about coming home.

I get the temptation to want to come home. It's familiar territory. It's home! But will you be able to keep off that foot while you're re-habbing and the "little things" that need to get done are piling up in front of your eyes? If it were me, I think I would have to err on the side of caution and do the rehab thing. I don't think I could keep off my feet; after all, it's "just folding laundry; just prepping for meals; just a little dusting" etc. I'm sure that I would overdo it at home and end up worse for wear.

Take this time to rehab properly, Mid. If you're going to go through all the pain of an operation, don't make it all in vain because you head home too soon. One wrong step or turn and all that work might end up being for nothing. Even if your husband was a gem and you *could* trust him to seamlessly pick up where you leave off, it's still better to be with the professionals who can walk you through recovery. Let them "teach" you about how to maneuver with that boot and that scooter. Come home once you're confident that you can do it safely and in such a manner that you can heal completely.

I would also think about hiring some help to come in once you're home to give you a hand with things, because I doubt very much if you'll be 100% once rehab discharges you. Do you know if there's any sort of pre-physical therapy you can do to make recovery easier/quicker?

Prayers for a successful surgery and a quick recovery!!
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MidKid, what about the women in your local ward?   If I recall, you live in Mormon country, and I'm assuming that you have home teachers, with wives.   In my limited experience, they WANT to help and consider it a blessing to be able to do so.

My father got so much support, and frequentlythey even responded to my calls for help, for Dad,  and I'm not in the church.

The rehab atmosphere won't be like that at home, but perhaps that's just as well as you won't be bothered by your husband when he wants attention  (I'm not being snide or cruel, just remembering the threads and posts in which you describe his reactions and lack of cooperation).

Wouldn't it be nice to have breakfast in bed?
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Midkid58 Jul 2021
Definitely deep into Mormon Country and all I need to do is make ONE call and I will have daily care from the sisters in my ward. I have certainly done hundreds of meals and cleaning and babysitting in the 44 years living here!! Service is huge in a Mormon community (and if you don't know that you are being wathced over by your Mormon neighbors--well, you are--and I hope they're doing a good job!) Def a possibility--I have NEVER requested meals, but am going to if I don't go to rehab. As far as cleaning---it's like when I'd have a baby and my mother would deign me with her presence for 4 hours one day and always say "I can't clean a clean house". as there are just the 2 of us, cleaning is not my biggest worry.

My next door neighbor fed me, body and soul for 18 months. 3 meals a week and desserts and treats. She knew that DH just..can't. She'd do it again.

I have 2 daughters who have said "Just come stay with us" and I very well might do that. Already the 3 daughters living here have each chosen a day to come clean and prep meals. That's a possibility.

Mostly my concerns are that DH will accept travel assignments and leave me alone (but in that case, I'd have the teen granddaughters down!) or that he will ignore my needs during the night and sleep through everything.

I need to check into whether I even qualify for rehab. I may not. DH was in the hospital recently (April) and they never figured out what was wrong, sent him home sick and I have been caring for him since. Rehab was BEGGED FOR by me, and laughed off, b/c I look healthy and strong.

I see my ankle/foor surgeon next week and we will talk, seriously about this.

And thank you for the thought about practicing' on the scooter. My granddaughter got a random bunch of Durable Medical Equipment for her 8th birthday, and a scooter is one of the things she got. She will let me borrow it :) (Yea,. she's a weirdo). I also have to practice crutches--ugh.

Thanks for just being there, listenting. I will be honest that I am TERRIFIED as this foot has hurt for 4 years. FOUR. YEARS. And my dh has teased me about walking funny and walking slowly for that whole length of time.

I am praying, desperately, that this surgery fixes it all and I can leave his sorry butt in the dust.

You guys are the best!
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Mid, why would you want to go home to a situation that is stressful and will not be good for your recovery. Hubs will have to fend for himself while you get the care that you will need to recover. You will need your strength to return home to all the chores that will be there on your return, if you decide to return. Go to rehab.
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Go to rehab, and let H fend for himself while you are in rehab. Don't give him a care -- it's pretty obvious he doesn't care about you from all you've written in the past.
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Get your emotional support where you already do, friends, kids, community. Us 😍🤗

In the Rebab vs Home debate.. hmm

Medical care but no familiarity vs Familiarity but no medical care.

For the bedridden stage sounds like Rehab will win, but once safely able to do stairs Home may be ok IF you can get everything delivered & provided (meal delivery, housekeeping, in-home physio). Maybe by collecting your team, this could be a trial of sorts to use if either of you is out of action in the future?

It sounds like a lot of work... so it depends which is the lesser evil for you.. Rehab: fitting in & putting up vs Home: but not as you want it.

Which scenario would be more restorative?
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Happy Birthday for Friday 😃

An Irish quote;
"You are not as young as you used to be but not as old as you are going to be".
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You already know what will be best for you. I think you want someone to tell you that your husband will change because of this surgery. If cancer did not "wake him up", I don't see that a foot surgery will make things any different.

I am sorry that I can"t tell you that your husband will help you, but the first 3 to 4 weeks after surgery of this kind are of extreme importance. Since you can very well speak for yourself, you should do OK in rehab. Choose carefully which one to go to though.

BTW yesterday I reached the age of 2,114,467,200 seconds and each day adds another 86,400 seconds. You are not suddenly a year older but 86,400 seconds, 1,440 minutes, 24 hours, or 1 day older.
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If rehab is recommended, take advantage of it. Medicare will pay 100% the first 20 days, 21st to 100 days only 50%. The balance will be private pay unless your secondary pays all or part of the balance. Not sure what happens if you voluntarily choose rehab.

"he chose to have a huge screen TV in the bedroom instead of me, so I moved out 5 years ago." Sorry, I had to laugh at this. 😁

Seems you have one spoiled husband. Mine does everything you mentioned but cook. He claims he can, just lets me do it.😊

You can hire someone to clean and mow the lawn. Really, how dirty can 2 people be? Take out?

I live in a 4 floor split level so I know where u are coming from.
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Not only would I go to rehab to be properly cared for, but I'd hire a cleaning service to come into my house for the entire time I was gone to ensure my house stayed clean & tidy while I was gone so I didn't return home to a pig sty.

You've had 45 years to know what to expect from your DH. You can trust him from his past behavior over 4+ decades.

Good luck & happy birthday.
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How are you doing, Mid?
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Anxious--oh so anxious.

Chronic, severe pain just wears you out. I'm exhausted. ANd worried about the anesthesia, so I need to talk to DIL who is an anes. doc and maybe she can give my some pointers of what drugs to refuse and what to accept so I don't go into my usual post anesthesia funk.

Sure doesn't help it's been over 100 degrees for weeks now.

Thanks for asking!
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Mid, do you think your DIL could talk to the anesthesiologist to document your past issues with certain drugs?

(((((Hugs))))))
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Midkid58 Jul 2021
It's a thought. DIL is in WA and I am in UT and we are not close, physically or emotionally. All she has ever said to me was to only let anesthesiolgists start my IV's as I have teeny veins and sometimes a nurse will feel it's 'them or the vein' and keep trying and trying to start and IV--meanwhile, I'm their guinea pig.

I actually will not know who my anes. dr is until the actual day of surgery. My DH has a list of ?? for them, b/c this time I am NOT taking any prednisone and I need something for the nausea. I always forget to say anything and wind up jumpy as a cat on prednisone.

Just need this to be over. I'vd had horrible reactions (long term) to anesthesia--the older I get the worse it gets.
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Yes. I hear you on the chronic pain. And, having docs poo poo you can be depressing and feeling so misunderstood.

Good idea on talking to your DIL!

I’m glad to hear that you’re taking care of you.

Your cheerleaders are hear with ya!
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Load a bunch of audiobooks on your phone, bring an extra-long phone charger cord and some nice nightgowns and enjoy your vacation at the rehab place.

Captain Remote Control will enjoy his, too, I'm sure. <sarcasm>
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GardenArtist Jul 2021
MJ1929, "Captain Remote Control"... love it!
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MidKid……you know that you have taken care of your Dh many times now. Have you even gotten one thank you? I think not. Go to the rehab center for as long as you can. Work as hard as you can to get yourself pain free. I understand because i am fxn to have total knee replacement an I do all of the driving,etc for my mom. Its not that she cant drive, i just always do. Happy Birthday on Friday, you certainly deserve a calm night out with your family! Love and healing blessings to you…..you will be fine and you won’t have the stress and strain of ur dh to bother you. Wishing you safe surgery and rehab. We will all be keeping it n touch. Please let us know when you have your surgery. Healing blessings to you during this time. Our body has a way of slowing us down, especially the ones of us who are 60s and higher. Lol. And love a clean house but have too many areas of 24/7 pain to do it all at one time. Love, Liz
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Rehab first, daughter’s second. Help from neighbors when u get home. It’s a shame your husband is helpless. Hopefully he is useful at things other than caregiving, like opening jars and killing bugs.
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gladimhere Jul 2021
Opening jars and killing bugs?! 😅😅😅
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We are close in age. Last fall the day before discharge after surgery for surprise aorta dissection I was bullied into going to rehab because staff knew I was caregiver and would have virtually no one to help at home. Well, guess what, virtually no one helped me at the friggin rehab either. Bullied about taking meds, food beyond dreadful (who runs out of milk when there are no less than 3 groceries within a 3 mile radius or less?) Billed for PT that was nearly non-existent or worthless. In short, one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Not to mention there may be visitor restrictions due to covid and other rules....come home. Order food delivery, get your friends to help out anything, but no rehab. If you have the funds, check into a hotel with room service. Or hire someone to come in daily and help with what you need....Good luck with all of it...
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notgoodenough Jul 2021
Boy, you seem to have no luck when it comes to medical institutions.

My mom was in a rehab facility twice, and my SIL was just in after her terrible fall, right during COVID. They never had the issues you described in your post! Rehab was a blessing to both of them.

And really, check into a hotel with room service? I truly hope that was tongue-in-cheek, and not medical advice for someone about to undergo a major surgery and recovery process...
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Go to rehab. Consider it a time out for yourself. You will be less stressed out and can focus on healing if you're not having to remind the hubs to do things for you. There will be someone there to help with toileting, to bring you meals three times a day, to offer rehab when necessary...and best of all no stairs!!! Do it for yourself. Do it for your marriage. Heck some rehabs even have beauty shop access. Get your "hair did".
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Midkid, ask your anesthesia doctor is she/he is using Ketamine. I had that for one quick surgery, never again, had double vision, and brain fog for days after.

I have one of those guys like your DH at home, too. I blame his Mom for spoiling him. But maybe I really shouldn't blame her, maybe it is the old country culture.
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You would be better off at home rather than Rehab facility. Get a Caregiver to come in and help you. You can do the hours that would most benefit you.
I was actually told by my dr. when we were discussing potential knee replacement that he does not want a patient to go to rehab facility. The incidents of infection and other complications are higher in a facility than at home.
You deserve it...hire a caregiver for yourself!!!!!

oh..Happy Birthday to you...Happy Birthday to you....Happy Birthday to youoooooo. 🎈🎈🎈🎈🎁🎁🍰
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disgustedtoo Jul 2021
Happy Birthday to You,
You belong in a zoo...

Oh wait, sounds like you're already in one!!!!
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Tsk.

Go to the rehab facility and be a model patient. Do as you're told post-op, do your exercises, grin and bear any reasonable level of discomfort, communicate properly with the staff, take a good book and some good noise-excluding headphones for your down-time. In 28 days max you will be home again pretty much fit for light duties; and your husband will not have had an irresistible opportunity to let you down AGAIN.

Or, you can set him up to fail and trust him to "step up." In a pig's eye he will.

You do already know all this, I'm not sure it even needs typing out.
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A rehab could be sort of a "birthday vacation" for you (admittedly not anyone's favorite kind, but at least you know you'll get the care you need). Maybe your husband will have to learn how to do a few things in order to "survive" without you!
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Frances73 Jul 2021
Yes, you can always order food delivery in rehaB!
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If your husband wont step up I would use this as an object lesson for him when he needs extra care in the event he has a medical issue. Let him know he is 9n his own going forward. No more cooking for him etc. Let him fend for himself since you already have a roommate situation. It's time to make that in all aspects.

I agree with hiring someone to come into the home because of potential for cdiff in a rehab facility. What he did/didn't do when you had cancer was just beyond awful.
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Since DH has a history of being unable to help when you had cancer, I would expect something similar when you have foot surgery. Rehab appears to be a better option for you. Don't think you will rest all day; you will also get a lot of physical therapy throughout the day in rehab - which might end up with better results in the end..
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Midkid58 Jul 2021
Actually, I will get NO PT in rehab. I'm going to be 100% non weight bearing for 6 weeks, so the rehab PT will not be done.

Once the boot comes off, I start doing small movements and work up to full walking. My next door neighbor is a physical therapist and will work with me.
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I say go to rehab and let hubby figure it out himself. You apparently cannot depend on him and have no reason to think he has changed and will help. Check your insurance and see if they will provide in-home care if you opt not to go to rehab.
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