So to give some contact I’ve essentially soft-adopted a second grandmother. I met Mary one day at the end of my shift at a supermarket. She is a sweet elderly Hispanic lady who is incredibly active and sharp for her age (pushing 85 years old). The circumstances for me meeting her were pretty unfortunate. She was left behind at the store by someone who she arranged (and paid in advance) to drive her to the store and back home. She was asking around for help and being that my shift was ending, I decided to take it upon myself to drive her home and help her with the $200 order she had. I loaded her groceries into my car and drove her 30 minutes to her home. She lives alone in what she called a “finca” (Spanish for farm), 10 miles from my store and then another couple of miles down a dilapidated dirt road. Her husband passed away 3 years ago from cancer and she never had any children. I learned Spanish as a second language and can communicate with her but can only pick out bits and pieces of her life. Long story short , she really doesn’t have anyone to depend on. Her closest ties were to her neighbor but after they left her at the store that day, that relationship is rocky to say the least.
Pre-covid I would pick her up and take her to the bank / grocery store about once a month to make sure she had food and her financials in order. I don’t know much about her financial status but I’m pretty sure she is on Social Security and has a steady government income.
Now with Covid , she (rightfully and fully understandably) is terrified of the outside world. Living in Miami Dade County it would be very risky to go out with her and when I do any grocery shopping for her I make sure I disinfect the groceries and always wear a mask around her. Since she can’t go with me to the store, I have her give me a list and then give me a check for the groceries when I deliver them.
I am planning on doing another grocery order for her tomorrow and she informed me that she will be writing the last physical check she has. Without a way for her to go out and go to the bank and receive more, I’m wondering how I can help her. I would love to provide the groceries and essentials she needs but being a young full time supermarket employee, I can’t sustain her needs and have expenses of my own.
To make matters more complicated her mail Box is a couple miles away from her house (P.O. Box style) and she recently lost / misplaced the key. I am afraid that without access to the mailbox to retrieve her bills and even more checks from the bank, this act of kindness will spiral into a frantic rush to make sure she stays alive.
I’m new to this forum and I’m new to caregiving. Sorry if this post was too long and a bit winded but I really don’t have anyone to talk to about this situation. My parents want me to contact social services but given her house location and the current pandemic , I don’t know how much good introducing her to a new system / life style would do.
thanks for reading and I’m interested to see what the opinion is on my situation
-Rob
But Rob must have done the right thing,I am sure!
Other people are correct, if something goes wrong, you could be staged as the culprit, or liable one. You don't need that.
Call salvation Army? Social Services came to check up on an elderly lady in our neighbor hood. Her home outside, looked like shambles. One day a woman was there taking pictures. She was from social services. She was called upon by someone to check up on this woman. This was over a year ago. A couple weeks ago, some neighbors were in her yard, cleaning it up.
Do a little trust, and call social services for her if you have not already. You may be surprised, they may have been called already.
You are an Angel, helping her so much. I wish you the best.
Any act of kindness keep a diary and anything financial, keep receipts for your records as proof and transparency.
Perhaps also you could Speak with Mary about a social worker and arrange a visit with a social worker who could talk to her in Spanish and find out a little more before taking steps to adopt her permanently.
Based on her age, and the mail box key situation, it may be time she needs assistance as is evidence confusion is starting to occur.
Keep her safe as well as yourself - hope this helps - contact elder protection services in your area to find out about social workers.
Do know that there is a never-ending need to help an elder. You must consider, think about, and decide what your personal BOUNDARIES are and how and what you will take on. If you don't, you'll be drained dry emotionally and every other way. SETTING LIMITS IS CRITICAL TO YOUR OWN HEALTH and WELFARE.
Once social services are involved, you can (and should) step back.
With this said, it is not easy to let go and let an elderly person, who appears to have NO ONE to help/support her, go and 'fend for herself. You will be emotionally pulled to continue to assist her. However, taking care of yourself, emotionally and psychologically is the first step to helping her and anyone else.
I, too, wondered/considered about a scam situation here.
Take the lead of professionals who can help. There are limits to what social services can do 'too'. Sounds like this woman should not be living alone, and on a farm-type home, by herself. It is a cruel reality that elders in this country are not respected and - to put it crudely - often left to die due to a lack of social services . There is only so much a citizen, or frankly, a family member can do.
I work with elders. I must be mindful ALL THE TIME due to need, brain chemistry (dementia), my boundaries and role. I also help out a friend of 17+ years who is 87 now and extremely needy. Be mindful and take care of yourself, first. Gena.
i met a lady at the senior center and thought we had become friends. We’d talk everyday and sometimes afterward id take her to walmart to shop and then home so she didnt have to wait for the van. This was all about 9 miles in a different direction from my house.
this all ended after she asked me to go to the “big” city ... only about 8 more miles away ... to pick up meds.
i said i didnt have enough money to pay for them figuring that when i got them to her she’d say she’d pay me later since she never offered to pay me for the gas to drive her out of my way to walmart. she said they were samples and free but i just didnt feel like making a 30 mile roundtrip.
she never talked to me after that and i felt bad we couldn't continue to be friends but she had at least two daughters and i just wasnt going to commit to doing things for her all the time.
if that was selfish i just couldnt bring myself to care.
as others have said, there should be agencies out there to help your friend and helping her get assistance can help you feel less guilty.
What a good soul and blessing you are. So many of us that have become older and are single fear for our future and being without someone to advocate for us. Every system we have to help others opens us to the potential for having our rights and well-being abused.
This person is a heavier load for anyone, and I am sure she is relieved to have found you.
I think your best bet is to take your parent's advice, which doesn't mean bowing out completely, but you cannot take risks of your time and life (considering the virus) without going in with your eyes open.
First off her check book has that last few pages with deposit slips. Use that to help her order more checks...either one of the online places or via Costco where
they are less.
Then there are legal implications...does she have a will? Who helped do that? Can that attorney assist further with durable power of attorney for financial and health care? Do you want to be that person? If not, someone else should be of her choosing.
Miami Dade is a huge area. I'm sure there are social services available. Know her zip code and look up your Area Agency on Aging. You can start with her city's city hall...her own city may offer services and may be offering special services in light of the pandemic. Those who have no one else are a particular priority. I'm guessing there are stores that offer delivery that, depending on her finances, would be a way for her to shop, even if you help by putting in the order. Of course you'll need to know about and check on payment methods. Perhaps she could buy a stack of gift cards and use them for orders.
If you connect with social services, it's also possible for you to be present...Clearly you need someone bilingual in this case.
Just because you contact social services doesn't mean they have to stay involved...but you are probably going to get on with your life and not be accessible to her 24/7...you could...but that's a decision you need to make in light of your own life circumstances. It would be a mitzvah if that was your choice. There are things called Caregiver Agreements...where specifics are set up as to what someone will do for another and for what type of payment...room/board/hourly it can be set up however people wish.
Social services may be able to link her with other services she may need in the future to remain independent. I wouldn't be surprised though if they were not making home visits at this time. It's possible you might help with that as well if they will do a virtual visit.
All this said, your position at the grocery store means as I'm sure you're aware, that you are putting yourself at risk...and so any rides or contact with this lady put her at risk as well. But some must be taken to get her help. You'll or social services will also want to confirm there are no other relatives...inlaws, siblings etc.
Down the road she might want to set up her bills to be automatically paid from her checking account so there is less work on that end.
Either the city or the post office has control over that mail box. If a genuine postal box, than the local post office should be able to replace (at a charge) the key. The local city may know details. Clearly a duplicate must be had as soon as possible...possibly two if you wish to stay involved. If you take on a bigger role you could also do a change of address so that the bills came in her name c/o your name to your own address...but that's jumping the gun and really taking on much responsibility. And we haven't even mentioned if that is where she wants to stay. Do you want a place to stay? Maybe you could be there for her in exchange for your assistance?
Bless you for being the angel we all hope for...
Call them. Tell them what you've told us. Meanwhile, explain to the lady as best you can the equivalent of "fools rush in where angels fear to tread" and that out of concern for her as well as yourself you won't accept responsibilities you're really not qualified to handle.
This is sincere, it's not an excuse. When you think it through: she was lucky enough to trust you, an honest, caring and delightful person. But how did she know that? - she didn't. You could just as easily have been a thieving rat-bag with a kind face; and the correct conclusion is that this lady needs formal protection from people with the authority to make it happen. She is very vulnerable - and so could you be, to a whole nightmare of unintended consequences.
I applaud you! I have sons who I can see would do as you have done.
IMO, your parents are looking out for you for good reason; you do need to profect yourself. Do you need to drop or pass Mary off totally? Depends. You say you've adopted her as a grandmother; sounds like you have developed a relationship with her. You didn't say how long exactly that you've been doing this. Is the benefit of this relationship mutual? God works in mysterious ways, and Mary may be a blessing for you at this time. Follow your heart, but be smart.
Those are my 1st thoughts.
Now, onto my other thoughts. There's some good advice on this thread.
First, DOCUMENT what you have done for Mary so far and what you continue to do, if you decide to do it. And I mean document all of it by date, like a journal. You MUST CYA all your actions and all the financials. photo copy, scan or snap all purchase receipts and the checks she writes you. For previous checks, pull them from your bank records if possible. Match up the checks with receipts, and keep them in your journal ( get one with pockets or otherwise keep them together). The thing is, son, you don't really know at this point if she has relatives SOMEWHERE, and they could come after anytime you in the future. You must protect yourself from accusations. Know that even among FAMILY, accusations, esp regarding financials, are very common. So, go back and recreate your journal and records for all that you have accomplished. No matter what you do going forward, this must be done. Also, to close out this thought, never accept cash from Mary. Oh, and I would not gey any financial account, card or whatnot with your name attached with Mary's, if I were you.
(a few pts about documenting: 1- ink on original receipts fade to nothing over time; so, you must copy, scan, etc.. 2- Journal entries must incl date, time, action taken/purpose, parties involved. If you call anyone, write their name, agency/biz, PHONE #, and reason for the call, and resolution/promise/next action. 3- the more detailed and consistent your journal and documentation, the better it will standup in court OR AVOID court. I know this is scary, sounds exhaustive, and seems cynical, but it is the way of human nature to suspect others, and you must protect yourself and your family. When people sue others, they go for the deep pockets- your parents, your emoloyers, and any other "rich" connection to YOU. )
Ok. Now, I'm concerned that you've reached a point where you've labeled this a scary commitment. Trust your gut and trust God; they may be telling you it's time to get help and possibly get out of this situation.
Next, whatever you decide, you need help. Mary needs more than you. I would follow the suggestions in this thread with respect to contacting agencies, social services, churches, etc. in your/Mary's area.
Next, How self sufficient is Mary? Does Mary have a phone? Does Mary have a computer? Does she know how to really use them? Is she WILLING to learn? Does her area have those utility services? IMO, you need to help her be self sufficient. If she can learn the online ordering and communication, etc., that will help her. You could help her help herself, but she has to be willing. Some elders don't like or trust the internet. Don't force her to do it; that could backfire on you. If she's willing but doesn't have a computer, you could help her get one and teach her how to use it. Another resource for computers and training may be the local universities. My 90 y.o. mom got a free tablet and support through a university research study program about elderly. That was Georgia. If you go grassroots, you could take up a collection and get her one. But I wouldn't spend time on this if she's not going to use it.
POB key and bank issue: This is pretty immediate. She needs to contact them herself. You can help facilitate that, but don't do it for her.
I'm running out of text; will try to reply to myself to continue.
Rob, caring for an elder requires a network of people and agencies. Putting that in place is one of the best ways you can help Mary going forward. Does she have a doctor? Medical personnel can be very helpful in setting up services and providing information about help in her area.
Also, you need to come clean with your employer. Do they know what you've been doing for Mary? IDK for which company you work, but I do know that many companies have programs to assist people in their areas. Could be a good resource. They also may encourage your work and help you. About the idea that you will get fired for helping Mary, here's some important points:
1- what you do on YOUR OWN time is your business.
2- Never do anything for Mary during company time unless authorized and signed off on (paper trail required; email is sufficient, imo).
3- Never wear your uniform or identify yourself as "employee with XYZ company" when visiting Mary or doing anything on her behalf.
4- start disassociating yourself from your employer when speaking to/dealing with Mary and about Mary.
5- going forward, just say you met Mary, and leave the work part out of it. Generalize the circumstance.
Yes, your employer may respond negatively. Unless you're stealing goods from them or spending company time not on work, they really don't have grounds to fire you. However, if FL is a work at will state, they won't need any. But I, personally, wouldn't want to work for a company that penalizes generosity and benevolence of the individual.
About finding family or relatives:
You say Mary's husband died 3 years ago. My guess is he managed many things for her. This leaves elder widows helpless and potentially vulnerable to bad decisions- their own and scammers. This is why you need to involve others. If Mary allows you in her home, visit with her and ask her to show you pictures. Have conversations about your family stories and encourage her to share her stories. This is information gathering, and you may find out snippets you can then go research to find family. A lot of elders say they have no family when they really do. Their definition may really mean "I have no family in (involved or living near) my life." I'm guessing here, but agencies could help locate these relatives. Just don't be shocked, disgruntled or disappointed if found relatives don't give a crap. There may be a good reason for estrangement. Don't put yourself in the middle. If you find family members, give that information to the authorities.
Do you have friends, your age or older, with skills? You may be able to call on them to help and advise you. Legal friends, even paralegals, are helpful.
Your parents:
Are you a minor or dependant? if so, then you please heed what they're telling you, even if you don't like it. If you're an independent adult, then it's really up to you. Either way, I believe open and honest communication and mutual respect between you and your parents about Mary is imperative. If they insist you cease with Mary, and if your gut is telling you the same, ask your parents to help you with the steps to let go and still make sure Mary has help through whatever local care and services available to get. IDK your family situ; your parents may be hardline. They may say no. If it were me and my parents, I would let them know you've heard them and respect their opinion, and/but ... then list out to them what you are planning to do and tell them you'd really appreciate their support. If you feel strongly called to help Mary, then express your calling to your parents.
Have you a church or pastor to talk to? Do you have a teacher, coach or guidance counselor to talk to? Do you have elders to confide in? You need support for yourself. None of this is going to be all honky dory for you, whether you continue or stop helping Mary.
I wish you the best in all this and I hope all the posts on this thread have given you a way forward.
Never forge - you are not alone