First, I want to thank this community, once again. Couldn't get mom to move to me, so a fall on NY day landed her in the ER and a flight down to care for her. Very lucky she has a hand fracture on nondominant hand but was clearly skaken from the fall and very unstable on her feet. 2nd fall in 5 weeks so this one sealed the deal. As many of you had stated, if they (parent) won't move, then a fall (or something else) will land them in the ER, then to rehab, and then to AL or the like - BINGO. While in rehab, we cleaned out her apt and got it ready to sell. And though she has mod dementia we had very clear discussions about this being a wake up call for her and living closer to me, no turning back.
NOW, we have located an AL apt near me but she is going to freak at the cost. I have dodged that question. She likes to see her finances and she can very much afford the monthly cost so I'm looking for help/advice on how to manage this topic with her. Even though she has mod dementia, she is very in tune with her money. I would appreciate any/all suggestions on the finance approach.
Thank you!
Was it paid off?
If you make a list of ALL the expenses she had for her apartment.
Mortgage, (or rent) Water, Gas, Electricity, Homeowners Insurance, Property Taxes, HOA Fees, Cable, Food, Transportation (if she drove) Car Insurance. And all the other things. (also include any cleaning people, Caregivers, maintenance...)
Add up all those expenses. These are fees that she will no longer pay.
Deduct that from the monthly cost of the facility that you have selected.
I think if she is a "black and white / bottom line" person she might realize the cost of the facility is not out of line.
PS.. I know what she is going through I slipped and fell on the slush on the 9th of this month. Broke my wrist and just like your mom Non dominate hand. Had surgery last Wednesday. Healing is a slow process, friends have told me this is God telling me to slow down!
Honestly, would not open this can of worms and start involving her in the business end of anything is she's going to freak out.
What would be the point in doing that? The AL is not going to give her a special discount because she thinks it's too expensive. All this will achieve is her feaking out and making your life miserable with constant complaining about it.
Do what Ohwow323 suggests and tell her they have to be paid online and there's no statement for her to see. She'll forget about it.
Or you could print up a phony statement "from the AL" and put any price you want on it.
Often people only look at the "rent" and never take into consideration things like utilities, insurance, property taxes, association fees if applicable, groceries, vehicle expenses including insurance, maintenance, fuel. Remember to include hourly care at the going rate, probably $40.00 an hour and you pay for hours that someone is on call, put this at 24 hours a day, because you will have that in AL, include ALL of her expenses that will now fall under AL expense. If the food is amazing and she can order from a menu, do her food bill as though she was eating out at home once a day, Remember to include entertainment, because now AL includes activities and anything else you know is a living expenditure, this will show her how much money she is saving by living at AL.
That's what I would do to take the sting out for her. It worked with my dad and he felt like he was getting a bargain and he didn't own his home and have a lot of the expenses I listed.
Remember to put a positive spin on the savings, have a positive attitude when addressing it and say something that you know will help her feel better, like no more dishes or laundry or vacuuming or whatever chore she will be happy to be rid of. I would also encourage you to be honest about how hard change is and remind her that she can do it and you will be there to help. This transition is hard for everyone involved, acknowledge her feelings but, don't entertain the hardness of it for long periods of time, give her a few minutes and the direct her to the positives, which there are many.
As I was accountable in any case for every single penny of his into his account and every single penny out of his account, I made copies each month of exactly that, and every six months of all his assets. He never lived long enough to descend into the terrors of what Lewy's can mean at the end, and he was always interested in his accounts, but finally he became less so. He had activities. He was going to movies for first time in years and loving it. He began to relax. He even improved and had fewer hallucinations. I was told by the ALF this was somewhat common.
I recommend utter honesty. Any fudging of that and you are in deep do do and she will fret herself to death. What I did with my bro was reassure him over and over again (and PROVED to him over a year of expenses) that he could NEVER outlive his money. It became a running joke. So do that. And tell her (whether it's true or not ) that when she DOES manage to outlive them at 110 years of age you will take over the payments.
I recommend honesty almost always. In the end it comforts people. And remember, people who spent a life carefully saving and scrimping all their lives, and who are proud of what they accummulated, need reassurance it is well spent, and THIS NOW is what they were saving it for.
You will add to that current total when the house sells, correct?
Mom should be reassured by her bucket of money, held in her retirement and savings accounts.
Focus on what she HAS, not the expenditures
Is she of RMD age yet?
If she is still in charge of her own decision making, well, she is the decision maker still. Then you are going to have to explain it all out. Do you best showing all the numbers. Hopefully she has enough cognitive status to understand it fully.
If you or someone else has POA, the answer to this could be different then
It doesn't matter if she freaks out or not. She has dementia and her daughter (the OP) has to handle her business and manage her life.
If the apartment has to be sold to pay for her in assisted living then it has to be sold.
There's no 'softening the blow' and complicating matters by renting the place instead of selling. She's not moving back to her apartment. She has dementia and is in assisted living. If selling the apartment is for the best so her care can be paid for, that's more important than appeasing her in the moment then complicating things for the people (or person the OP) who is in charge of her finances and has to pay her bills.
Hopefully she will never have to graduate to a memory care facility or a nursing home. If she does, it's usually best if assets are liquid and easy to access for payment.
She's 'understands' money, but hasn't paid her own bills for a couple years. I know the kids will want to be transparent with her, but I can't help but feel she'll be overwhelmed by the cost (we're expecting it to be in the $10K a month range).
I guess seeing how her overall state of dementia is before even bringing it up.
I know my DH and he is still talking to her as if she had all her cognitive abilities and it just upsets her so much.
As in all things with her--we don't know how she'll react.
No one should give your MIL a chance to react. If she doesn't pay her own bills and is reliant on her family to provide her basic needs and conduct her financial business, there doesn't need to be transparency.
When a person has dementia or has not dealt with the world in years, transparency is not going to be something positive. It is only going to complicate matters.
I'm sure I'll catch hell for this from everyone, but I'm going to say it anyway. It's common for elderly people to struggle with accepting the cost of life today. Even when they don't have dementia. They understand what their money and assets are but want to pay 1950's prices for everything.
Your DH and his sibs should not even involve her in any of the financial aspects of AL. Run off phony statements on a printer and keep her well out of it.
I find the more sources of complaining that can be eliminated with seniors the smoother daily life will be every day.