Hi guys and thanks for your support when dad died before xmas.
My family have all gone back and its been a long xmas with family here for too long.
Now im feeling very down and resentful towards my mum I thought my dad dying would make me more compassionate towards mums care but I feel like I just dont want to be around her lately. Am very stressed and snappy at her.
I know i havnt had time to myself and to grieve my dad but shes really annoying me I feel bad but its how I feel. I feel angry and almost hate her for having this awful illness and how its effecting my life.
I know I need a very long break from her but same old problems no money to get away.
Has anyone ever felt this resentment I know its not her fault but shes draining the life out of me.
Help!
Today my mother and I went to church. I tried to talk to a friend of mine when it was over, but my mother just kept walking away to the elevator. So I had to leave. She said she had to go to the bathroom NOW. So I took her. About 20 minutes later we were late for the valet. One lone person waited with the keys to my car. He was very nice about it. Then I took my mother to lunch. We sat in a table next to an elder woman and her caregiver. The woman had the totally blank look of Alzheimer's. No life sparked in her eye and no expression was on her face. But the caregiver was taking her to lunch. I wanted to hug the caregiver, but I just gave her a smile. We knew what the other was going through.
Dementia can be so different person to person. No matter what it is like, though, it is hard on the caregiver. I can't count the number of times I've thought about banging my head against the wall. And my imaginary finger-gun has to be out of bullets by now, I've shot myself so often.
Sometimes I hear people talking about how these things mature us or do other wonderful things for us. Maybe that's true, but I still just want to say "bite me."
I like your solution to things in another thread -- fixing yourself up and getting back into life. We don't have that many years left. I feel like I've been dying for four years now. It is time to get back to living.
My dads grave is a good distance from here and i will go and visit when I can alone.
My mum is just sitting on the sofa watching tv and moaning day in day out meanwhile im trying to be positive and sort my life out her negativity is soul destroying ive made plans now to get out of here as much as i can for my own sanity.
She seems to be going downhill and just does NOTHING gets up late sits in her pjs and is waited on.
I dream of a week in a spa with someone to wait on me 24/7. BUT i NEVER get a break do you know she was called into respite while my family were here(the one time i didnt need her to go in????) she went in on new years eve for a week and all my siblings here I argued with the NH as this is suppose to be a break for me and could she not go in later when family had gone back NO as its free she goes in when they say so? so much for RESPITE.
Im drained I sleep and then want more sleep im cold all the time so will try hard now to look after myself i know im just so run down and grieving for dad.
Jessebelle I so understand you its awful to have such horrible thoughts I know we dont mean it but yes ive run out of bullets too!
Are you dating? We have to try and get a normal life back soon oh my god im 49 in sep please God give me back my life I want to die laughing my head off!
Thankgod for this site I think I would have banged my head against the wall for real if I didnt have this site to vent on.
I can honestly say that since looking after mum with dementia theres times i question my own sanity?
Also yes JB i really want to punch people who say this will make you stronger and a better person how much stronger,tougher and more caring can we be?
I get nothing but "arnt you great for looking after your mum" am I? lucky they dont know my dark thoughts and the madness that goes on.
Heres to all of us and a happier peaceful new year ahead!!!!!!!!!GULP!
Oh my god have I really asked a man out? He plays the guitar,sings and writes songs yes he would kinda melt your heart! I clean up after mum all day oh weve so much in common!!!! Anyway if I get a date ill just bullshit you know "life is great yeh bubbly and breezy" he dosnt have to know how crap my life is!!! I wonder if he has any tips for removing pee from carpets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL
Enjoy
L
We have new neighbours they are very nice and invited us in on xmas day for drinks and an irish sing song my brother plays guitar I was hung over from night before and was casually dressed with NO MAKEUP (take note always wear make up you never know!)
Anywhoo turns out this neighbours nephew was there singing etc then my brother played my dads favourite song and i burst out crying,next thing i knew this gorgeous guy has his arm around me asking if im alright I told him my dad died recently and he hugged me!!(the closest to sex ive had in 4yrs!!) So maybe im nuts but there was a look between us???
Yesterday I thought stuff this hes nice and i dont get to meet guys I fancy i took it as a sign from the angels!! SO i baked a cake brought it into the neighbour with a card for him(shes his aunt) I said happy new year and how I enjoyed his singing and wrote down my number....................................
I will keep you informed anywhoo he saw me at my worst wait until he sees me glammed up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe there is hope? so all you single carers smarten up and wear your makeup even to put out the garbage!! LOL
Anyway if he dosnt want a date then fine ill just have to start asking guys on the street!
ANOTHER message of hope and we never know when love will come to us so always look smart!! LOL
I had a shower and went into town AND put makeup on as i was afraid small town I may bump into him!! HA!
We just need motivation someone or something to happen to wake us up to the fact that there is a life out there and we need to live it!
Im detoxing today and already feeling lighter! a bit weak but thats a good sign nothing like a potential date to get you to move your ass into action my belly should have gone down by next week!
If he dosnt call then look on the positive ill be looking hot for the next guy that shows up? GULP!
One day I wasn't feeling well - the fibro - and G came home and said "You are dressed up, so you must be feeling better" I said I wasn't, but I dressed up anyway. Somehow it made me feel better.
When my babes died - my 23 yr. old youngest, the day we were to pull the plug I dressed up in the best outfit I had brought with me, did my hair and put on makeup. My daughter told him what I was wearing. He was in a coma, but I think he heard. No child of mine was going out with his mum looking a mess! He was a good dresser, always, and I was not going to let him down. Not that dress is everything, and other things have to be looked after, but, it helps.
Now, I do have my mornings when I lounge in my nightwear (though I make sure it is as snazzy as I can afford), or wear my lined jeans and a sweater as it is too cold, but bath, the clothes, the hair and makeup get done before supper time most days whether G is here or not.
It shows you and others that you care about yourself.
Good luck, kazzaa with this nice guy. or any other you encounter. G and I met online. I waded through a few piles of garbage on various websites. Tried the distance thing with a couple of guys and, boy, did they misrepresent themselves. I could write a book about it, but finally found me a good one. Thankfully he lived in the same city as I do and the rest is history. If I can do it at over 70, so can you. it is all in the mindset. I got more attention from guys once I got into the right mindset aged 70+ than I had had for years. Age difference -7 years is nothing. My last ex was 16 yrs. younger than me, and G is 13 years younger - not a problem! And you are just a young thing!
sole - put a chicklet in your mouth or something. I had one of those and it kept falling out - I had to get a bridge. G had a cap fall off and crazy glued it on. Apparently it is safe. Universities have cheap dental clinics. I figure there is always a way... You are still an attractive woman. I know one older woman who didn't have much money and her jawbones were deteriorating so she did a fund raiser for herself to get money for a couple of implants to hold her dentures in. It worked.
Think out of the box!!!! And have a great day everyone. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
kazzaa - definitely anger is part of grieving and it is common to focus it on someone near. You do really, really, really need some time away from your mum and space to grieve.
I met one who wanted a nurse with a purse. Not for me. They had to have their own money, not have debt, have a healthy lifestyle, not drink beyond a few once in a while, not smoke, be attractive to me, be intelligent, be good company, kind, helpful, gentle but manly, not have broken up recently,and not talk about their exes all the time and I am sure there were a few other things on my list. I was not getting into a bad situation again. Not worth it. Blending two lives is hard enough anyway.
sole ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) how do you do it??? Is there any plan for dad to go into a facility? It sounds to me like you are ruining your already compromised health. Happy your ex-l put the spark back into you. Go for it!!! I hope you have a great break.
Has your doctor anything to say about this? Surely he/she has some concern about how caregiving is affecting your health. Maybe it is time to see the local agency on aging and/of social services and discuss your and your dad's situation with them. Most people do not WANT to put their parent in an NH, BUT sometimes there are no other alternatives. Mother is in a very nice ALF, and I hope she dies before she has to go into a nursing home. But, there is no way I could bring her to my home, because of her issues and mine, so, if need be, she will go into a nursing home. Can you hire more help for you from your dad's finances in the meanwhile?
No, it isn't funny that dad would not look after your health needs as a child. I can imagine that you suffered a lot. It really is a form of abuse, or certainly neglect. He is very fortunate to have you in his life now in any capacity and especially looking after him, It is ironic. As always - look after you and do
something good for you today.
Gotta go get my grandson to shovel snow again. Chat later
My mother has alienated every family member including mine, they don't want to come here; don't blame them, but they do call so other than necessary shopping, Dr. visits, etc..that's it. I wish she was more kind, but never has been to anyone. I have one brother left, he has refused to speak to her in over 20 years due to the terrible comments she made about his daughters-(she does not like children.) How sad is that!
Never place yourself in a 'guilty corner', do the best you can and try to get some away time for yourself.
Take care of yourself!
Emjo you always raise my spirits. If I was alone I would think long and hard before looking for another mate. They come with too much baggage.
sole I understand lack of medical care. I did not get it because you had to pay in those days. Now my Cardiologist tells me my heart problems are probably due to rheumatic fever and I may have had it more than once. Thanks Mum
Just my 2cent but worth a try. I know a woman who cleared her asthma as she discovered it was oranges that were causing it?
Will light a candle for you as its unbearably hard to care for a loved one when we ourselves are ill i have constant back pain and neck pain but have to PUT UP and take painkillers. Ive been to therapy had every god damn test done but NOTHING is going to help me other than my mum goes into care as i cannot do this for much longer my pains are all stress related and im finding im getting more and more agitated and palpatations around her as shes draining the life out of me!
Sorry JB but im off now to have a BATH with facepak and some new thing to put on my eyes to depuff them??? Oh my GOD my bath is my only escape from mum have one installed as therapy!!
Emjo youre such an inspiration when we get older and more picky its not about "we know what we want" ITS " we know what we DONT WANT" makes dating less hassle and can suss out the assholes from 10ft away!
I dont want a relationship I want a man a cuddle someone to compliment me make me feel good even for one night!!!!
He hasnt called yet but its early days and im busy checking out what I look like "NAKED" just in case! yeh im happy enough a good pair of tummy tucker bum lifter knickers and im good to go!! LOL
Bath, bum lifters, face packs, I am all for them. Awesome!
This is for you - all of you.
When she didn’t feel like she looked her best she knew what to do – she used the “Act As If” tool. She acted as if she were the most sexy, beautiful and desirable woman in the world, until she felt that way inside and out. She knew that in this world you get what you give and she was going to give it her all. – Queenisms™
WORK LIKE YOU DONT NEED THE MONEY
LOVE LIKE YOUVE NEVER BEEN HURT
AND DANCE LIKE NOBODY IS WATCHING!!!
veronica -I am so sorry about the heart problems/rheumatic fever. I was not breast fed for some crazy reason and I have more allergies than anyone else in the family. Re sig other it took 15 years of hard thinking before I decided to open up to another relationship. By our ages, we all have baggage. It is taking some work, but we are getting there and it is MUCH better than the others.
kazzaa - Love that saying!!! are you and sibs working on another situation for your mum? There are some benefits of being older - you do spot the losers earlier, and you are clearer on what really matters
now here is a lesson in how easy it is
This afternoon I needed some distraction and came across an article about our community on face book that I liked, so I emailed the author . It was published in the main paper in the city mother lives and was an intelligent article. We exchanged a few emails and he asked if I had any more ideas on a certain subject. I said I would be in his city next week and would be happy to share if he wanted to get together. Got a very enthusiast and positive response. Now I have to share this with my G. I am not interested in anyone else, not in the least, but a little intelligent conversation when I am visiting mother helps a great deal..
See - it wasn't hard at all. Ladies, sometimes you have to take some steps. If he had said no, nothing lost.
I remember a g'friend saying that in nature it is the female who chooses the male. The males all strut around showing their stuff, but the female chooses. Remember that YOU are the catch! lol
...dancing...
I am still waiting for my accident claim so cant move forward until I have the money to do so? I am just trying to be positive that a solution will appear and pray everyday that this situation gets sorted? My hands are tied and family just take the piss they know that until I get my money im stuck in a rut for now.
Today I had a huge row with mum and ran to my friends I have a cleaner coming in for 3hrs a wk to clean house as it was too much stress for me her cluttering and mess is getting worse. She argued and said we didn't need one and couldn't afford her NO IDEA the mess she makes so draining shes right financially we cant afford it but mentally a cleaner is a godsend.
I said some horrible things to her like shut up or go into a home if youre not happy. I had to leave then as I was getting chest pains. Shes in one of her down moods and im just not having this anymore and now walk away.
Be nice to just go away and grieve my dad but that's not going to happen BUT ive decided she is not going to ruin my life. Dementia is an illness and we really are the victims IF we let them make us feel this way!
I havnt go POA yet and will start to push her soon as shes not managing her finances so much stress but soon I will have to put my emotions aside and do whats right for her and me and that's a NH I just pray that she becomes more incompetent so shes not aware of being in a NH but maybe that's asking for too much my uncle said you don't know how long she will live and could be years?
So hard to try and make someone happy when shes been so miserable all her life I am trying to be positive lose weight etc....get a bit of my life back then one thing with her and her negativity drowns you and you start to doubt if being positive about things getting better are ever going to happen?
All I can do now is hope that money is coming and that this will end soon ive nothing else to hang on to.
An ex rang recently and said he would help me out financially if and when he could so maybe he will he seemed genuine I was a pillar of support for him when he was suffering financially and emotionally and he said he never forgot that? we will see talk is not what I need now but hard cash even just to have a car again would be heaven.
Ive prayed for help so I have left it all out there as theres nothing more I can do except wait and be positive??
I have had a very bad five years and what goes up must come down and what comes down has to go back up??
Watch this space? My date hasn't called yet? Ah well more time to make myself more beautiful and youre so right Emjo "we are the catch" you just have to love yourself and let them know how damn lucky they are to date someone like you!!!!!!!!!!
My dad just went into nursing home for a 5 day respite....I was so stressed out before he left, I couldn't even breathe. I was about ready to run away. He's been gone for almost 2 days now, and I still feel like he just left. I'm so glad I'll have at least one day to spend a little time with friends. I have forgotten what it's like! My dad is VERY messy like your mum sounds like. It's a terrible blessing that he can no longer walk and create the filth through out the house like he used to. I am sending you all the positive vibes I can and hoping the best for you. This can't last forever! :)
I want so much to care for her but thats becoming impossible and i need to think of me now.
So glad you are having a break and hope you have some fun! I got very drunk last night and feel like crap now but she drove me to it! You get so stressed you want to scream your head off!
The worst thing about this illness is that they have no idea how much we do for them she does nothing but get up eat and watch telly so sad to watch to be honest I thought she was perkier in the NH I mean sitting in a NH been waited on or here whats the difference?
Shes refusing to go back in to respite in may but im going to lie and tell her that im not here then she will have to go in?
Ive asked the angels to help us both with money! I win a few bits here and there when I ask i just need to ask for akot more.
My friends mum had als but she was very well off and had paid help my friend has no idea that doing this job and having no money is the pits some people are just so lucky to be financially secure and can pay for help when they want it. I dream of winning the lotto and getting mum a 24/7 nurse!
Anywhoo as you say things have to get better and soon! Still no phone call from my guy but its early days ill give up in about 2wks. Its january and everybody is depressed and no money after xmas so ill give him time!!!
I would just love to have SOMETHING to look forward to a date or even a night out with friends they always ask me out but they have money and I got fed up being treated by them its so humiliating!
Anywhoo off for my bath as mum is wrecking my head and watching some crap on telly! The bath is my escape.
Sending you positive vibes and lots of money to come your way!
Like me HANG IN THERE!!x