Feeling guilty because my grief for late husband seems to have subsided abruptly. Any advice?
My husband died 4+ months ago. He had major heart and other health problems when I met him 2 decades ago, and he gradually declined until things really started to domino 2-3 years ago. Caretaking of course gradually increased over the years.
I started anticipatory grieving in the last few years and was very angry at him for ruining his own health and leaving me to go on without him. He would always tell me not to worry because he would be with me always, even after his death. My reaction to that was, “Great, but that doesn’t help me” (on the physical plane)!
I finally realized that I didn’t want to spend our remaining time together in anger, so I forgave him and gave us both some peace during the last year.
He died at home after being on hospice care for only 12 hours. (He had needed hospice services sooner, but coordinating with his VA medical staff had been agonizingly slow.) It was a shock to me that it seemed to happen so fast, even though I had known for so long that it was coming. He had been hospitalized so many times and had so many close calls.
After he passed, I was devastated and depressed and I felt like I was only half conscious for a long time.
Gradually my mental state has improved. I’ve been talking to a hospice counselor, which has helped a lot. I have continued working and have tried to stay busy and distracted from the deep feelings of grief, but coming home and being alone in this house has been hard. I have felt so alone. It’s the first time in my life that I’ve ever lived totally by myself.
A week and a half ago, I ventured out to a hospice-sponsored event. I enjoyed it, just being with other people who had been through the death of a loved one. Since then, my feelings of grief and loneliness have lifted considerably, and I haven’t cried. I’m even beginning to enjoy being at home by myself and able to do things I never had time to do before.
But now I feel guilty! It seems like I shouldn’t suddenly be over the grief. Is that what’s happening? It seems like it’s too soon, and it feels disloyal. Is this sudden change in my feelings normal? I never thought I’d feel like this a couple weeks ago, when I was crying and praying and asking my husband to help me go on without him.
I’m now thinking about how hard it was to take care of him toward the end, and admitting that I’m glad I’m not in that position anymore. Most of the enjoyment had gone out of our relationship, because it was just so hard and exhausting, mentally and physically, day after day. It was so stressful for so long.
I know the experiences of caretaking and grief are different for everyone, but if anyone has had similar experiences with unexpected feelings and reactions during caretaking and grieving, please share. And thank you all for keeping me relatively sane with your posts, which I have read voraciously over the last year or two.
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Here has been my experience with people who have lost loved ones, including my Mom whose love story with my Dad is likely the greatest I have ever known. I think that those who made peace BEFORE death, who did the best they could during the dying process, who understand the limitations of the human heart, who have a deep curiosity and longing to know and understand relationships, who see beauty in life, who understand contentment............they often are the ones who can get on with it. Who can accept that they did the best they could with what they had, that sometimes they weren't quite up to it, but as often they rose above what they thought they could. That things that were frightening were dealt with one at a time and increased self worth as they were.
You are correct. It is different for everyone. And like the Simon Says games sometimes there is a step backwards in the forward steps. You can be blindsided by grief, put down onto the bed in a fetal position, and that after thinking you had "come out of it".
Good on you. You are curious about it all, still. I thought my Mom would follow on after my Dad. Couldn't imagine her without him. Still remember the day she looked at me and said "You know, if I can keep my marbles and still get around? I would love a couple more years". She had them.
Take good care!!
We should share our stories some time!
I am so sorry for what you're going through. Having lost my precious dad 3 years ago, I've concluded that grief doesn't follow a timetable and the so-called "Five Stages of Grief" (you know: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) are baloney.
However you grieve is no indication of the depth of your feelings. There is no right or wrong way. Relief from responsibility can be a part of grief. Just allow it to unfold in its own way. (((Hugs)))
My condolences on your loss
Ur profile says u have 10 grands. Its time to stop being a Caregiver and enjoy your family now you can.
We all grieve differently.
I am one of 6 kids who all equally put our love into helping our parents through their journey to their deaths, and we all have grieved completely differently from one another. A lot of time has now passed since they have been gone, but for some of us, we healed fairly quickly, and others struggled with their grieving. Grief is a very personal journey and every path is OK. What you do need to do is take Any Guilt out of the equation, you have nothing to feel guilty for, your feelings are very Normal, especially in losing a spouse who was ill for a very long time.
I'm glad you are feeling better, and can see that life can and will go on, that is a very healthy outlook! Remember how much you loved your Husband, and live on in your life happily, just as your Husband would have wanted you to. Enjoy your kids and grandchildren, you have many blessings to look forward to! Take Care!
My DH has walked right up to the 'pearly gates' 6, yep, SIX times he was so sick or injured the docs told me he would not make it. I have planned his funeral 6 times. I have laid out clothes and written obituaries for him. I have cried and cried....it's been a HARD life with this guy. He blows off all these 'shoulda died' experiences as if they meant nothing to me. After all 'I' wasn't the one going through them.
He's not in great health, but for the things he loves, he can find interest and energy. Massively depressed which he takes out on being snarky to me to shut me down. (Works really well)
When he does go, and he will die before me, I often wonder how I really will feel. I have been alone far more than 75% of our married life--he travels a lot.
Part of me will no doubt TRULY grieve, but a lot of that will be grieving for the life we didn't share together. The life he didn't really want anyway. Truthfully, he should never have married. He's just not cut out for it.
I totally understand how you feel and you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. I know I get feeling guilty, b/c my DH is so unhappy all the time. But again--it's HIS choice, not mine.
On the other hand, he could be an ogre, a real ass when he lost his temper. But I had gotten to the point where I didn’t care about rising above and trying to be the bigger person anymore. I dished it right back. Told him he needed to treat me right if he expected me to stick around & take care of him. Because I was done putting up with his BS. I guess he finally believed me, because he really, really tried to do whatever he could for me after that. (I was amazed.)
He was a man of extremes in many ways. I always thought he was like the nursery rhyme:
“There was a little girl
who had a little curl
right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good
she was very VERY good,
but when she was bad,
she was HORRID!”
That’s exactly how he was.
So I’m choosing to remember all the VERY GOOD times now. His bigger-than-life personality. We were opposites—he was the extroverted people person who made new friends immediately, wherever he went; I’m the introvert, cautious with new people, always trying to figure out relationships and emotions, needing a lot of quiet time. He made my life exciting, and I made him feel grounded and secure.
Anyway... thank you all for your helpful responses and for letting me share. Dealing with his physical absence is really a work in progress (and I guess it will continue to be for the rest of my time on earth). New revelations keep coming...
I hope he really is still with me like he promised. I hope he was secure in my love before he left, despite my bad moods. And if he wasn’t, I hope he knows now.
Besides, he told you he’d still be with you, 😉 maybe that’s how he’s helping - by reminding you how hard it was for you both and easing any unwarranted “guilt” about how long you’re supposed to grieve.
Enjoy your freedom and the happy memories before his health declined- it sounds like you both had a great sense of humour.
I was in high school when my father's mother (i.e., my grandmother) died, and I belonged to a small band, so I went to a rehearsal we had planned for that night. Afterward, my father asked "how could you do that the day your grandmother died?" and it had never really occurred to me that I shouldn't. (My grandmother lived a state away so I only saw her a few times a year, and she spoke only very broken English.) Years later I mentioned this to my father, and he just said that he was upset about his mother's death and just assumed I would be, too.
A long time ago, I got into a conversation about grieving and mentioned that I just seem to take deaths in stride and move on, and someone said the world needs different kinds of people--someone who can function well after a death can do things that need to be done that the other people are too upset to do. That made sense to me, so I just accepted myself as I am in this regard. I also mentioned the incident about my grandmother's death, and I was told that because of the distance and a language barrier, it would have been difficult to get very attached emotionally.
I've told people that if I drop dead, they shouldn't cancel their plans that day--if they have a party planned that night, then they should just go ahead, have it, and enjoy it!
The 1st one is that you have been grieving for years, you lost him in bits and pieces.
The 2nd is answered prayers. You asked for the ability to go on with out him. Praise The Lord that you are being granted grieving mercies and comfort during this time.
I don't think that you have any reason to feel guilty. When my grandma died, I didn't have any tears left, she disappeared 10 years prior and only her body was left. It was a relief that she was finally released from the prison her existence had become.
May you continue to find happiness and contentment in your life. Hugs!
Trust me you have not "stopped" grieving little things will hit you totally out of the blue. You will be listening to a song on the radio and all of a sudden you will be crying...been there done that. And the next time you hear it you will not have the same reaction.
You will be watching a TV show and all of a sudden you will start to cry...been there done that.
You are going to sit down to dinner one night ans start to cry...been there done that.
You will be out shopping and look at your watch and think I have to get home, the caregiver has to leave at 4..and remember there is no one.
You will walk in to the house and the silence will hit you.
I had 12 years with my Husband after he was diagnosed and the last 6 were complete care. I lost him bit by bit, day by day, year by year...
He was not the man I fell in love with. The man I fell in love with laughed, smiled not just with his mouth but his eyes smiled. The man with dementia no longer smiled, no longer laughed. He would not have wanted to be that shell that needed care. He had always been a giver not one to accept help so to be dependent on me or someone else would have been upsetting to him.
And he would not have wanted me to "give up" on life, he would want me to do the things that we had wanted to do.
I think there are 2 ways to deal with grief. (ok more than 2 but it boils down to this)
1. To live your life, go do the things that you know would have made him happy. Live your life to the fullest and honor him that way.
2. Go into a shell and pine a way and don't do the things that you wanted to do because he is not there to share them with you.
I think one is a more healthy way than the other.
And I want to thank you because during this I started to cry thinking about my Sweetheart and I miss him..(It will be 3 years next month so it does not stop).
One final thought...
Grief never ends
But it changes
It's a passage not a place to stay
Grief is not a sign of weakness
nor a lack of faith
It is the price of love.
Love to you FranklymyDear and Grandma, you are both Wonderwomen!!! ❤
After my father was gone, I missed him a lot (he had been in reasonably good health up to the few weeks; his doctor thought that what had been a slow-going prostate cancer had acted up). Several years later, I realized that he had really been missing my mom, who had passed about five years previously; I was the last kid at home and I got married that summer. One thing that had kept him going was concern for me, and he told my new brother-in-law "I've never met a man who I thought would take better care of her." I think when he knew we were all OK, he was ready to go be with Mom.
He said he never cried over her death, and I think he felt bad about that. But I’ve never seen him really cry about anything. He’s had a hard life so maybe that’s part of it.
Anyway, guilt is not your friend. When the feeling hits, just let it pass through you til it dissipates.If it’s interfering with the rest of your functioning, you may want to see a therapist for a little while.
Let go of the guilt. You did right by your spouse and you are entitled to any way of thinking that focuses on a comfortable way of thinking about his life and his loss.
I lost my mother 7 years before my aunt, one of her sisters, died, and the loss of my aunt was much more troubling to me than my mother’s loss, although the circumstances were somewhat similar. I also had more guilt regarding my aunt’s death, partly because my mother’s life in residential care was much happier than her life had been when she was at home.
Still, I questioned my own feelings about those two losses, and still wonder about that.
Due to the pre-mourning you did [probably much unconciensiously] now you are emerging for a time of heavy mourning to a time of adjustment .... maybe hubby is giving you this as a thank you for all your devotion when he was alive - if you can believe this then go with it enjoy because you probably really deserve it - so drop the guilt & start to live the rest of your life the way you want