I feel used by my children's father who is 75. What do I do?
Hello All,
I am in a very odd unique situation with my older ex-husband age 75, and his son (my ex-stepson) who is 43 from a prior marriage. My ex stepson’s mother was never in the picture. Long story short. My ex and I married over 36 years ago when I was a teenager and his was 23 years my senior. We ended up having two sons together. My ex stepson has always lived with his father. Our marriage only lasted 12 years and we divorced. For the most part, we had an amicable divorce after all the initial arguing and fighting were over. We shared joint custody of my two sons. However, my ex never contributed any money towards the care of our boys in regards to clothing, education, extracurricular events, vacations, camps, or automobiles. Our decree stated we did not owe either any child support or alimony to each other. While married I was a stay at home mom until the boys started school, and additionally I did all the accounting for my ex’s business, which was essentially a full time job. After the divorce I put myself through college and graduated with a degree in Nursing, all the while working cleaning homes to pay bills, rent, and tuition, until I started my career in nursing. I’ve been a RN for over 20+ years now and it pays well…. $89-100K a year depending on how many hours I work.
My oldest son graduated high school in 2002 and went to college locally. He still lived with both his father and I, but spent the majority of time living at his father’s house after graduation (which is the house we bought together in 1985, when I was pregnant with my second son). My oldest son had a job as well as going to college, and I had given him my truck that was paid off, when he graduated from high school. And two years later I bought him a new truck because he was doing so well and the other truck was falling apart and costing more to keep running than it was worth. In addition, I paid all of his college tuition, books, and fees and kept him on my health insurance policy. My son paid his dad a nominal amount for rent. My stepson paid nothing and did not have a job….EVER..still doesnt. He was 10 and 12 years older than my sons and never moved out of his father’s house. He would take approximately one college class at a time at a community college once or twice a year. His dad didn’t pay his tuition, so I’m assuming tuition was paid by student loans. His dad paid all of my ex stepson’s living expenses and gave him one of his extra cars to drive. During this time I really didn’t care, as I made enough money to take care of my sons. I didn’t have any anger or hostility towards my former stepson regarding this….at that time.
Two years later in early 2004, tragedy struck. Our youngest son died in an accident his senior year of high school at his father’s house. He was only 18. I paid for my son’s entire funeral by myself, my ex again didn’t not contribute one penny, even though he had a small $25K life insurance policy on our son. Even worse I found out months later after reviewing autopsy report, police reports where stepson called my younger son (his half-brother, horrible names, and deserved death), and witness accounts that my former stepson had a small part in the death of my son (though he was never charged with any wrongdoing) and my ex begged me to let it go…that it was an accident. My stepson had always been extremely jealous of my sons when they were born as he was no longer the center of attention. I even was called to meeting at my stepson’s junior high as a teacher was very concerned about a paper my stepson wrote detailing how he wanted to physically harm his new brothers who were 1 and 3 at the time because he hated them. I didn’t believe it at the time, and thought perhaps the teacher was over-reacting. After the death of my son…I never trusted my stepson again and did not want him around my oldest son.
My oldest son started becoming very psychologically ill after the death of his younger brother. It’s as though something snapped inside his mind. I was grieving terribly at the time over his sudden death and assumed my son was grieving terribly as well. But his mental state kept decreasing to the point of needing to be hospitalized and taken out of college. After 3 years, 50 doctors, thousands upon thousands of dollars, and 20 hospitalizations later my son was diagnosed with undifferentiated Schizophrenia. No cure. Only medications to keep symptoms in check. I felt like I had lost all my children. One to death, and the other kidnapped by aliens. My son then became entirely dependent on both his father and I. He did manage to finish college over several years with me dragging him every inch of the way through it. Then finally in 2016 he was starting to function normal again. Starting working with the Elections office. However, our son was not able to live on his own. He did need some supervision and guidance, more so in monitoring medications taken, and keeping an eye out to any signs of decompensating. He would go back and forth between living with his father and I, by our choice. By this time, he father is now quite a bit older and only living on $800 a month in SS. So I usually had to supplement his father to he could pay rent and utilities. I did this so my son would not live in squalor when with his dad. I often bought groceries for my son for his dad’s house. This house my ex lived in now was a rental. I had quitclaimed the house we bought together in 1985 in the divorce. He then refinanced it multiple times during the housing boom taking more and more equity out until he owed $550K on a house we only paid $ 100K for in the first place. So he became upside down and couldn’t afford the payments and lost it in foreclosure in 2013.
In 2015 I moved in with my boyfriend of 6 years. So now my son was living with his father full-time, and I was spending approximately $500-600 supplementing my ex so he could pay rent, run the air conditioner (the medications my son took could cause him to overheat very easily, especially here in AZ), pay for internet, food, gas, etc. My son was receiving SSDI of $600 every month and would give his father $350 a month for rent. Stepson also lived there and paid zero. I was fine supplementing my ex as he was retired (but no retirement funds) and could keep an eye on our son everyday and make sure our son took his medications. Also he had a calmer demeanor than I (I can be a bit high-strung at times). I would still constantly visit my son a few times a week even though I lived on the other side of town approximately 40 miles away. I would take him to lunch, movies, haircuts, shopping for clothes and food, and doctor appointments.
Well the rental they were living in for past two years went up for sale. The owners asked if I would like to buy it, I would have except they were asking $ 70K over market value and the house needed a lot of repairs. So I said no and the owners gave my ex notice to move in 60 days. My ex has terrible terrible credit. I’ve asked him a hundred times to file bankruptcy over the last 10 years, but he refuses, even though he could never pay off his debts. He couldn’t get a loan to buy toilet paper right now. So he asked me to help him find another home….and to assist as well with security deposit and other fees necessary to move. He guilts me by stating it’s for our son. After looking for a month and a half I cant find a decent home in the right price range he can afford. So I decide to purchase a home instead and just rent back to him believing that this can be a permanent solution to my son’s housing and also an investment. A mortgage payment would be hundreds cheaper per month than renting. So I finally close on a house in a 55+ retirement community (my son who is 33 can live there as well, since only one member of the household has to be 55 or older) at a great price in late August 2016. I wiped out my entire savings account to put down the bare minimum down payment and cover all the closing costs. Which came to a little over $ 20K. I then have to pay for the moving company to move everything even though it’s only 6 blocks away. My ex is 75 and doesn’t have the strength anymore to move large furniture. My son, his dad and I packed and moved all the smaller stuff. The stepson does the vanishing act during this moving process. Saying he has class he can’t miss :/ And so as I get them moved in, then the main sewer line will not drain because it’s full of tree roots. Still fighting with the sellers over this. It cost me $ 6,500 to replace the sewer line just so they can flush toilets, take showers, etc. I had to keep reminding myself “This is for my Son”, “This is for my Son”. It’s so important for me that my only surviving child has somewhere safe to live. It’s now the end of Sept 2016 and everything is finally moved in, but I’m still helping with the un packing. My ex’s credit is crap and he’s didn’t pay the utilities at the last house for past couple of months. Now I have to get the utilities turned on. I put half the utilities in my son’s name and the rest in my name. I draft up a rental agreement that will include the rent and utilities. It never gets signed. My son paid me $350 for his part on Oct. 1, 2016. Then he started complaining about severe shoulder pain. I assumed he pulled a muscle from the moving and it was also his weaker shoulder. He had shoulder surgery four years prior for a dislocated shoulder and fractured humerus from a seizure he had while sleeping caused by a reaction to a medication they had just started him on back then. So we take him to urgent care, they state probably the hardware from the original surgery has shifted and go see orthopedic surgeon. See orthopedic surgeon and he states let’s take out hardware, it’s most likely causing shoulder impingement. Days later surgery is performed to remove 2 screws. My son still has severe pain.
Three days later at home my son drops dead while helping his dad in the backyard. AORTIC DISSECTION we find out four months later. I’m not even going to go into the extreme emotion torture I have suffered this past year over my son’s death. I’m a childless mother now. Again, I paid for my son’s funeral myself. Only this time I had no savings and had to put $ 15K on a credit card.
The issue is…my ex and my former stepson have not paid a dime to me for rent, utilities, or anything in the past year. My son died one year ago tomorrow. Every time I ask for money…even to cover the utilities…my ex states he has no money and then complains to his neighbors I’m going to kick him and his son into the street and sell the place. I’m angry all the time because I feel I was tricked into helping him get a place to live. He used my son as a pawn, knowing I would never place my son in a homeless situation. Then he has the audacity to tell me I need to take care of his 43 year old son if he should die!!! What???!!!
I feel they are taking extreme advantage of me. I don’t know what to do. We no longer have any children together anymore. He complains how sick he is all the time, yet he and his son play 3-4 holes of golf after hours every day. What do I do? I can’t keep supporting them 100%. I’m going broke. Working myself to death and grieving the death of my son.
He makes me feel guilty all the time saying how can I abandon the father and brother of my sons. That my dead children would be angry at me if I kicked them to the curb.
17 Answers
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I'm sure my issues stem from terrible abuse as a child. Emotional, physical, and severe neglect. I ran away from home when I was 15 to escape the terrible sexual abuse of my mother's countless boyfriends and she always looked the other way to the abuse. She was well aware of it. I was pulled out of high school my sophomore year when I showed up with bruises on my face and my teacher took me to the nurse. I lied and told them I wrecked on my bike. My mother gave them another story about me fighting with a sibling. When I ran away (escaped) I took my younger brother and sister with me when I left. My ex took us all in. We didn't marry until a couple years later. And it wasn't my choice to marry. It was marry him or go be homeless with my siblings. My mother who I very rarely speak to, never reported us missing. I can only assume she was glad we were gone. In addition, she did not want us to come back. So I married for security for myself and my siblings. I cared for my ex, but I was not in love with him. He would not let me return to school as he was extremely jealous. I was never allowed to wear makeup or have any friends. I had my siblings and stepson to take care of all the time, plus work for ex's business. When my sons were born...I was so in love with them that I didn't care about the loveless marriage. He would complain I loved my children more than him. Of course I did. My brother left our home after he turned 18 to go to trade school. My younger sister, who we put through private schools was expelled for smoking pot at a private Christian Academy. Then she refused to go to regular public high school. She never obtained a job. Would just hang out at the house. We had a very nice home in a very nice neighborhood. I told her get a job, get a GED, and go to college. She was lazy and wanted nothing to do with any of that. Life was quite comfortable for her at home. I kept telling my ex I wanted her to move out and get on with her life. He kept saying she fine here. I found out later why he was so agreeable for her staying. I caught them in bed together having sex. I then just blew a gasket. I yanked her off the bed by her hair and had a terrible physical fight with her. I lost...because she was taller and stronger than I was. My ex apologized. My sister never did. I told him she has to go. I don't want her in my house anymore. He refused that request. So now I'm a prisoner in my own home. My ex emptied out our joint accounts, ran up all the credit card bills to their limit. Cashed out our Universal Life insurance account and retirement accounts. He made sure I had no money to escape. He even took the distributor caps off the truck engines so I could not leave in one the trucks. I threaten to get a divorce attorney and promptly received the beating of my life. My sister would just stand by and watch. My poor children I had to drag out from under the bed after these terrible fights and beatings. I called my mother to see if the boys and I could come stay with her awhile. She allowed me one night and I had to sleep on the floor because her precious little fat dogs needed the couch. She then told me I needed to go back home and make things work out with my husband for the sake of my children. I did and I tried. But the affair between my husband and sister continued. More physical fights continued between my ex and between my sister and I. Finally I did go see an attorney, he highly suggested a divorce, but I didn't have any access to money even for a retainer. My ex found out about the visit to the attorney. I was taking a shower with my children who were 5 and 3 at the time, and he dragged me out of the shower and pinned me to the floor with a loaded gun to my head. My poor children witnessed this. My youngest never remembered the incident, but my older son did. I never spoke of it. But my son brought it up once when he found his father's gun in the safe about 10 years ago. Ex denies the gun was loaded. Anyway this nightmare of a life went of for a few more years. It ended with a standoff in the kitchen when he was going to attack me again. This time I pulled a large sharp butcher knife out of the wooden knife holder and told him if he comes one step closer that I will stab him in the heart and then cut this throat. This was the first time I ever saw fear in his eyes. He backed off, got in his truck and left. I packed up my boys in a hurry and left and never returned. I had been hiding away some cash and lived off that until I was able to get a job....which wasn't easy as I had no official job skills. Ex agreed to a divorce. I did not want to fight with him anymore so I gave him everything, the house, all the cars/trucks, furniture and every fork and spoon. I had a paralegal service do the paperwork for the court. I wanted full custody of my boys, but he fought me on that and so we had to have shared custody. He was never abusive to our boys or I would have killed him. After several years he mellowed out and we actual were cordial with each other. My sister dumped his behind and started running around with a bunch of different men that she would pickup. She turned into my mother. She had two children out of wedlock and at least 5 elective abortions I was aware of. She also went to jail for several months for embezzlement from a government employer. Btw, she is my half sister. My mother would never tell her who her father was. She would could up with a different story every time she was asked. First it was a hotel manager, then a professor, then a physician, then a computer teacher (there were no computers in 1968) that the public could train on. My mother could barely read, let alone type. I have a gut feeling the father is my maternal grandfather. Because she lived with him at that timeframe and was also a very abusive drunk man. And that's why I believe my mother continues with these conflicting stories on who my sister's dad is.
So many years later, my ex and I got along for the sake of our boys. We would do holidays together, because my children wanted both parents together for the holiday dinners. After our youngest son died, our relationship improved. We both became extremely protective of our/my oldest son. So we would tag team each other in his care, especially when he would decompensate. Our son was the most important young man in the world to us. I think this also made my ex-stepson really jealous. He would tell me when his father dies he is getting all his stuff and business. I told him Wow, you sure have one incredible unearned sense of entitlement, and you always have. And I don't care. However, you should check into the fact your dad has more debts than assets. So good luck with that.
Anyway, my ex has changed a lot over the years. Not the mean nasty person he was in his late 30s and 40s. He is now legally deaf without hearing aids. Has several medical issues.
I have medical issues as well. Had heart surgery 3 years ago. But I still work full time. Deep down I care for my ex, and don't want harm to come to him, but I don't want to be bled dry paying all his expenses. I feel used again. And I just cant stand his son (my former stepson).
So my ugly past and low self esteem is probably the reason I let my ex walk all over me, trick me into buying this house for my son. Conning me all the time about how sick he is, no money, and that my boys will hate me for making him and their half brother homeless. But now we have nothing in common anymore. We have no reason to communicate. Both of my boys are dead. I think my boys will understand. If not, I ask for their forgiveness when I die and see them again.
Oh, I am seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist for PTSD and prolonged complicated grief. I'm on antidepressants just so I can function at work.
I sent them both a text last night stating I was going to put the house up for sale as I cant afford it anymore and that they haven't contributed a cent toward anything since Ray died. And they are playing on my emotions. So start looking for somewhere else to live.
Proceed with eviction and wave buh-bye!
Are you in counseling? If not, you should consider it. I suspect your difficulty in severing ties with your ex is that it is also cutting another thread to your boys. Boys you shared together and have common memories with. For better or worse that is a tie that binds. But it shouldn't hold you prisoner.
I'm a RN. I'm used to not telling people they are going to die....when I know they are.
How do I start a conversation telling them they need to start paying or get out...not just out the house, but my life as well?
Over the last year I hoped and prayed I would just die after the loss of both of my children and would not have to deal with this insanity.
However, I didn't die...no matter how much I willed and wished it. Now I have this financial fiasco to deal with.
I've heard the saying God will not put more on your shoulders than you can handle...I'm really starting to question that philosophical statement.
If you feel you must research low income housing and then it is up to them what they do.
Ask the lawyer if it is legal to stop the utilities and cease paying the HOA.
I have personal experience of helping people out and they just see you as a sucker and continue to manipulate and sponge.
Once everything is shut off your ex stepson will soon find somewhere else to live and ex husband will hotfoot it to Social services because he is old and home less.
It is very hard to do but it is you who needs the help now.
There is no way you can avoid the pain of grieving for your sons but you are in a caring profession so devote your energy to giving the best possible care and building a strong bond with your boyfriend. it really is not fair to him to be supporting you when two freeloaders are sucking you dry. You are a strong woman and you can get through this. In another year you will look back at this h*ll and be thankful for the good things you do have in your life.
Well, aren't you? Sure sounds like he is very successful in pushing you around. And you deserve to be treated as the caring, compassionate adult that you are.
In addition to having a lawyer help with evicting them, I suggest a therapist to help you stand up to them without feeling guilty.
Please keep in touch here. We care!
It seems you're not physically afraid of your ex but you acknowledge his ability to manipulate and guilt-trip you. All the more reason to get a lawyer. Have your lawyer deal with the whole thing, that way you're not in danger of being talked into something that's not in your interest. Give them whatever notice the law requires and get them out of there. Time to cut your losses on this expensive property (and relationship).
Should I take someone with me to have this discussion with them on moving out, so they don't continue to manipulate me, call me a heartless "*itch" for doing this to them and watch them cry crocodile tears?
You have a good heart which is the problem. You need to toughen up. (I know) You should just sell the house, renting will be a hassle. Where I live the eviction process can take six months. Tell them the help is stopping. I don't think u can shut off utilities in ur name. If in their name the utilities will be shut down for non payment. This man has used you well. You owe them nothing. Get ur life back. If u make a profit , maybe u can pay off debts.
One person responded that perhaps I am fearful of my ex. I'm not. I'm a couple inches taller than him and probably ten times stronger. I wrestle patients 2 to 3 times larger than I at work everyday. It's all about balance.
However, I'm still mentally beatup by him all the time. He is always packing my suitcase and sending me on a guilt trip. I met him when I was only 15 years old and I babysat his son (my former stepson) who was 7 at the time. I think he still thinks I'm that little girl he can push around and tell what to do. Then there is the benevolence I have as a nurse on helping and not hurting anyone. And he knows that. I once told him many many years ago, that if it wasn't for our two children....I would never speak or see him again. We see how well that turned out :( . I feel sorry for him....as I know he is suffering over the deaths of our children as well. But I think he forgets I'm just as equally distraught and depressed. Plus I have NO MORE children! My happiness and future ended when my son took his last breath. I will NEVER be a grandmother. My branch of the family tree has been severed forever with a sharp knife from their two short lives. Ex-husband still has his oldest son. Who I secretly hope never has any children, because he would a terrible deadbeat dad in my opinion.
Your stepson has been treated *dreadfully*. But never by you.
Quite what made you believe that your ex husband was fit to have joint custody of your sons I can only guess at, but extreme manipulation of your thought patterns by him would not surprise me in the slightest.
The loss of both of your lovely boys is incredibly cruel, and I'm so sorry for it. But if there is a silver lining, it is that your connection with this indescribable man is now at an end. Wind up any remaining financial or contractual issues. Walk away. Don't look back. Rebuild. And may God go with you.