Why do I feel guilty when I feel like giving up?
I haven't been on here in a while, so I apologize. I am at wits end. I live with my 84 year old mother whose is not in bad health but has fallen a couple of times and doesn't move around as much. She can do pretty much everything except drive around and heavy house work, etc. I have 2 sisters and 3 brothers but it seems like I am the one that has to do everything. I my self am diabled from 3 back surgeries and Fibromyalgia. My mother has always been the type wher everthing revolves around her & when she wants something done, she wants it right away. I sometimes feel like I'm supposed to punch a time clock at home. When I had my 2nd back surgery, my sister stayed for 1 night, after that I was on my own. My mother has never tried to understand my problems. Monday, I counld not sleep until about 5am, so I left her a note that I didn't know what time I'd wake up & to leave my door closed. She came in at noon, and shined a fashlight at me just to see if "I was still breathing". I got upset (of course) so she told me I was doing elderly abuse. If I tried to talk to my older sister but she got upset with me because I wasn't understanding that she just had surgery (a hysterectomy) a week before and couldn't deal with this. I pointed out that I've had 4 surgeries. (With no help & still left to take care of my mother) I feel guilty for sometimes wanting to walk away & let the rest take care of her. But I don't make enough to live on my own & the house is mine also. Am I being unreasonable ? Or do I need to see a counselor before I totally lose it ?
I can understand that you sister may not have been in the best place to discuss your frustrations just a week out of having major surgery. If what you were going through at the time was not a crisis, it might have been wiser to have given her more time. I understand that you don't feel your sis was very sympathetic when you had your surgeries, but her response was predictable.
When your mom came into your room and shined a flashlight in your face to see if you were "still breathing", do you think you over reacted? If you do then just admit it to yourself and own that you didn't handle it the best way. I don't know what you said, maybe your mom was the one who over reacted.
Bottom line is you are in a very difficult position. You have no one to love you, no one to support you emotionally and no one to hear what is in your heart. Yes, I think you need to go to counseling and find a way to manage this grief in your life. You are suffering and you need to get some relief and better understand what your options are.
That doesn't mean you have to move out of the house, but you do need to get out of the house and maybe a caregiver needs to come in a couple of times a week to help your mom and make both of your lives easier.
Sending you hugs, Cattails
Why do you need to do things for your mother? Why does she need a caregiver? What kinds of things do you take care of for her? You say that "She can do pretty much everything except drive around and heavy house work." If you went away for a week's vacation and someone came in the "take care of" your mother in your absence, what would they do? Drive her to appointments and do the heavy housework? Or is there more to this job? I think we don't have a full picture. Help us understand.
All this stress is not good for your Fibromyalgia. You have to take care of yourself.
Mother doesn't trust an outside provider? Tough cookies. Seriously, it is time to recognize that Mother may not be able to have her life exactly the way she would like it. Do you have your life exactly the way you would like it? Would Mother rather stay in her home and have "outsiders" coming in to help out, or live in care center of some kind, where all her care is provided by "strangers"? It is a very tough reality of life that few of us get exactly what we want. It is NOT YOUR JOB to see to it that Mother's life goes exactly according to her plan. It wasn't her plan to have mobility issues. That she does is sad, but it is Not Your Fault.
Here is another reality to face: You cannot count on your brothers and sisters to make this all better. You've tried enlisting their help. Ain't gonna happen. They are making their decisions regarding how they will relate to Mother. You, too, can make decisions. If you have some financial dependence on Mother then that has to be factored into your decision. But do not think for one moment that you don't have the power to make decisions.
Tree branches need removing? Call some tree-trimming services. Get estimates. Present the options to Mother. Which one should we call, Mother? Do you want this on your charge or to write a check? Mowing the grass is not something Mother can do, and is beyond your capacity with your back problems and Fibromyalgia pain? Find two possible lawn-care services and/or find a young healthy neighbor who would like to earn a little income. Mother, would you rather give Billy Youngster a chance to earn some money taking care of our lawn, or should we sign a 3-month contract for the Green Valley Lawn Service? Take care of your own health. Recognize what you can and can't do. Do NOT count on your mother or your siblings to recognize this. There is plenty of evidence that is not going to happen.
You need to take care of yourself. I hope that counselling will help you do this more effectively.
I am also glad you are looking into caregiver assistance.
Good luck!
What I do now is think of myself as an only child and take care of everything as I always have. I've learned to accept that I'm the only one taking care of my mother's needs - and I live with chronic pain as well. It can be hell on earth some days; my children and husband are tremendously caring and have saved my life. My mother was in the hospital a couple of days ago and I was crippled with debilitating pain - there was nothing I could do. She managed just fine without me. Please know, I hear your pain and I hear everything you are saying. And I understand and care. Blessing to you and take care.