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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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I am a caregiver to my 86 year old widowed father (for quite a few years now). I am 56 years old and recently retired. I would like to go on a long awaited vacation for a couple of weeks with my boyfriend. I have family members who can step in and look in on my dad pretty much on a regular basis, almost daily to make certain he has what he needs. He health isn't too bad for his age. He does seem to have beginning signs of dementia. He no longer drives. He is extremely upset I am going even though family members will be around to help out. I've made myself too convenient for him. I need a break. My siblings fully understand. My dad does not. My dad believes I should stay and look after him because he "doesn't have much time left". I feel as though I've taken my mother's place. It's my own fault. Any others out there experience a similar situation?
Hi missreturn, After reading other member's reply to your plea, regarding you taking holidays, I understand where you are coming from. My Mother suffered from Dementia for 6 years, until she finally and peacefully passed away at the age of 91 years, in the year 2009. My older Brother and younger Sister oftened took holidays at the same time. I was not until I spoke to them, that it was not a good idea, because I lived the furthest away. As a Caregiver, it is your responsibilty to look after yourself, so that you go on holidays and not feel guilty. You will come back refreshed and able to care for your Mum. Even though my Sister lived next door to our Mother (but also worked) I was the one, who took time out to stay for a couple of weeks with my Mum. Even though it was hard work, I felt that at least I had given something back to our Mother, because she was always their for us. So enjoy your holidays and have a good time. Love from Gossip3
Hi Missreturn, I feel that it is important for you to get away and relax your body and mind. You need to sleep comfortably without waking up in the middle of the night to see if your love one is in his/her bed or wandering around the house trying to get out. If your sibblings have not been supportive, find or train someone to care for your love one, the way you want them to be treated. The few times I left my mom with my sister she called me about 5 times to tell me that she could not find mom's purse, that mom misplaced her keys or her teeth or that mom said she was leaving. "Good grief" "mom does not even know her address" Is that an important reason to call me and interupt my me time? She did that on several occasions because she did not want to share in the responsibility of caring for mom or she would say she was going out whenever I asked her to stay with mom, I would even pay her for taking care of her own mother because she would ask for money whenever I took mom to her. I stopped because the stress was not worth it. As for my brother he felt as if he was giving me a break the couple of times in the past year he has spent with mom. Thank God for caring people who are responsible and capable of giving us the caregivers a well deserve and guilt free break. Believe me it is better to to pay and have peace of mind, then to hear family make excuses as to why they can't share in the responsibility of caring for their own love one. Enjoy your trip,call once a day to make sure all is well and make sure that all emergency numbers are available for the stand in caregiver to call in case of an emergency. Enjoy your vacation and take care of yourself.
I think most of us here in this forum have gone thru the feel of guilt from time to time----you have to tell yourself you deserve a break-and line up people to take over your caregiving needs while you are gone. Best to all~ Hap
braida, I bet your siblings are really glad you feel this way. It leaves them off the hook. They are too busy, you are busy too. Your time is as important as their's. I have a brother who lives near by Mom and he is control of all of her finances because he is "The Son", but he is always toooo busy to do a single thing for her. It is just an excuse. Go enjoy yourself once in a while, they certainly do, at your expense
Please take care of yourself. The person you are caregiving for may have trouble adjusting to other people or even places when you need a vacation, but you need to take care of yourself first.
You have to be healthy to continue to give. It may be hard to step away for a few days or more, but the bottom line is...if you have a good alternative caregiving situation that allows for you to go on vacation. Go without looking back. You need to care for yourself.
Hey, Missreturn, I really can identify with this dilemna. Vacations are such a source of stress for me, in every aspect. First off, my husband wants to go places all of the time. I'm the only person for my Mom. She seems to fall apart when I'm gone, even though I get things totally organized and other people to come in when I'm gone. Nobody does it like me! (if you know what I mean.) Consequently, when I'm gone, by about the 3rd day everything starts going to hell in a hand basket. She's not eating. She's getting all spacey and confused, she doesn't want to do anything, etc. Everytime I call she's asking "Are you back yet? When are you coming back?" So it's a major stress on me whenever I go anywhere, and I spend a lot of my time on the phone trying to sort things out, advise my stand-in caregivers, and attempt to hold things together until I can get back. It doesn't make the "vacation" very enjoyable, and another thing is I don't like to go too far away, as a 5 or 6 hour plane trip might feel too long to get back fast in an emergency!! I wish I could plan it so I'd be guilt-free and be able to relax. My siblings are never available to come to stay. Their lives are too busy and too inflexible. (They both live in other states, and have too many things going on in their lives.) It's a huge problem, and I always try to come up with excuses not to go anywhere unless it's just for a few days, and not too far away. My husband doesn't like this. Sorry. No advice for you from me here, just commiserating with your problem.
Please do not feel guilty! You need to take care of yourself, for your sake and that of your care receiver. Coming back refreshed (even if the person lays a "guilt trip" on you) will make you a better, more patient caregiver. Martyrs don't generally do well as caregivers, since their resentment (which is natural) shows. Please find appropriate care for your care receiver, then go and have a good time. Carol
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
away. As a Caregiver, it is your responsibilty to look after yourself, so that you go on holidays and not feel guilty. You will come back refreshed and able to care for your Mum. Even though my Sister lived next door to our Mother (but also worked) I was the one, who took time out to stay for a couple of weeks with my Mum. Even though it was hard work, I felt that at least I had given something back to our Mother, because she was always their for us. So enjoy your holidays and have a good time. Love from Gossip3
I feel that it is important for you to get away and relax your body and mind. You need to sleep comfortably without waking up in the middle of the night to see if your love one is in his/her bed or wandering around the house trying to get out. If your sibblings have not been supportive, find or train someone to care for your love one, the way you want them to be treated. The few times I left my mom with my sister she called me about 5 times to tell me that she could not find mom's purse, that mom misplaced her keys or her teeth or that mom said she was leaving. "Good grief" "mom does not even know her address" Is that an important reason to call me and interupt my me time? She did that on several occasions because she did not want to share in the responsibility of caring for mom or she would say she was going out whenever I asked her to stay with mom, I would even pay her for taking care of her own mother because she would ask for money whenever I took mom to her. I stopped because the stress was not worth it. As for my brother he felt as if he was giving me a break the couple of times in the past year he has spent with mom.
Thank God for caring people who are responsible and capable of giving us the caregivers a well deserve and guilt free break. Believe me it is better to to pay and have peace of mind, then to hear family make excuses as to why they can't share in the responsibility of caring for their own love one.
Enjoy your trip,call once a day to make sure all is well and make sure that all emergency numbers are available for the stand in caregiver to call in case of an emergency. Enjoy your vacation and take care of yourself.
Best to all~
Hap
You have to be healthy to continue to give. It may be hard to step away for a few days or more, but the bottom line is...if you have a good alternative caregiving situation that allows for you to go on vacation. Go without looking back. You need to care for yourself.
Carol