My father who I cared for 9.5 years very unexpectedly passed away. I have no emotional support from my husband. How do I get through this?

I strongly suggest the book "Healing After Loss," by Martha Hickman. It's a year's worth of readings -- just a single page a day -- and it helps you get through grief in manageable portions.

Since you're talking about your daughters helping in the present tense, I assume your father's death was quite recent. Understand that grief doesn't just magically go away in a specified amount of time or in my case, rear its head right away. I was so exhausted from caring for both of my parents, but after my dad died I had to arrange a memorial service, find a nursing home for my mom, move her, take over her finances, and move home myself that I never shed a tear for my beloved dad until seven months after he died.

Grief has no timetable and affects us all differently. Rather than worry about how long it's taking to get over it, try working through it more. Consider journaling, going through some of your dad's things bit by bit, and just letting the process work. It takes time.

The love your bore your father, the closeness, and the number of years he lived with you, may have usurped a bit more than you realized, your closeness with your husband. It sounds he is trying to be there for you, and that is great; you can heal any lack with that; throw the love you bore your father into healing and breaches that may have, all unbeknownst or unintended by you, occurred in other relationships. I am so grateful your kids are there for you, and I am so sorry for your loss. I would like to caution you that we can stay in "guilt" in order to avoid "grief". Guilt infers that there is something that could have been done to change this, while grief knows the finality of loss. I will reassure you also, that your Dad will always be "with you" and that it is important to honor him with celebrating the man, not with mourning him forever. Give yourself the time you need. This great loss is still so raw; everyone takes their own time. But remember that you have family, and you have obligations to them, as well.
You are so lucky to have had this love. When I miss my bro I don't take that loss to my husband, my children, my friends; basically I take it to my bro in long letters I decorate with collage of the desert he loved, the quotes we shared, the memories. I tell him what's going on. I am an atheist, so in my mind he doesn't "hear me" but it is a comfort for me, gives me reason to remember him, his goodness, our love, and all we shared, and then to be there for the living. Remember, guilt is for felons; grief, sadly is for you. Your Dad was worth mourning. I am so sorry for your loss. But I do believe that you have this, that you will make wise choices, and remember, habits are easily formed, and much more than we know is "choice". Hugs out to you. Remember that tears heal and cleanse us.

First I have to say how very blessed you were to have such a sweet, loving relationship with your earthly father. Not all of us were so lucky. I'm sorry that your husband is being a bit of a jerk. I'm guessing he's never been one to really deal with his feelings much, so try not to take it personal. Thank God for your daughters and grandson though huh? Sounds like they are doing and being just what you need right now.
I'm not sure where your guilt is coming from. Sounds like you made your fathers life a whole lot easier for the last almost 10 years. What are you feeling guilty about? That you're not God, and didn't have the final say as to when he was to go to his heavenly home? I like what AlvaDeer said about staying in guilt to avoid grief. There's definitely truth in that statement. And you don't want to stay in any misplaced guilt and not get through the grieving process healed and whole. So order the book "Healing after Loss" like MJ1929 suggested, and just take as much time as you need to grieve. I am going to do the same, as I am grieving the loss of my dear husband of 26 years, who died 8 weeks ago, and like you struggling to put my life back together. It's not easy, but with God's help we both can heal, and be the people that He created us to be. May God bless you and keep you. May His face shine upon you, and may He give you His peace.

It may be that your husband has shown deep love for you already. The relationship that was so good for you and your father, may have been difficult for your husband - it would be very hard for many of our posters coping with in-laws. Your husband may have coped with it because of his love for you. Perhaps he is relieved that it is over, and wants the ‘over’ to be as quick as possible. That’s hard for you right now, but do your best to cope in your turn. Your father had an unusually quick and easy death, from your post, and you have nothing to feel guilty about – in fact try to be grateful for it. Your grief will ease, and your family will still be there for you. Best wishes for healing.

Dawn, first I am very sorry for the loss of your dad - as well as the other losses you have suffered recently.

I have read your profile. It seems that you have been a caregiver for the majority of your life, both personally and professionally.

I think when you've been a caregiver, especially when you have done it over a long period of time, when that responsibility is over it leaves a huge, gaping hole in your life. I don't think it matters is you willingly took on caregiving, or if it was thrust upon you through circumstance. Often times, the responsibility ends abruptly, leaving the caregiver a little shell shocked. If the caregiving ends due to a death, now you're not only dealing with the new "normal" of no more day-to-day caring, but also with the hole left by the death of your loved one. It's no wonder that you can't seem to settle or focus. I'm sure your life was a series of tasks and chores every day, and now, there is no more need for you to do those tasks. I'm in the same boat, with my mom passing I find myself thinking about the time of day and what I "have" to do now - get mom breakfast, give mom meds, etc. I wake up every day and look at the clock thinking I have to get her breakfast, and then I remember there is no need for that anymore. So I understand a lot of the emotions you're feeling.

I have found, for myself anyway, that if I give myself 1-2 small things to do each day ("today. I'll rearrange the coat closet; today, I'll "winterize" my garden; etc) it helps keep me focused and moving forward. Maybe that will help you, along with the therapy you say you will seek (which I think is a phenomenal idea).

Now for the sticky wicket about your husband. I don't presume to know how he felt about you putting yourself out for all of these years taking care of all the people that you did - mom and dad, MIL, kids and grandkids - but I think if you have a good relationship with him, there is nothing wrong in asking him for the comfort you need from him. "I'm felling very sad about all the loss we have suffered this past year, and I could really use a hug." It doesn't have to be nasty or confrontational. Some people just don't know how to share grief - anywhere from they either feel that no one would possibly understand what they're going through to they don't think their grief is worthwhile and no one will care. But I think you might both need to share your grief with each other.

I hope you can find some peace and comfort going forward as you deal with your losses.

Dawn some men are "fixers",, they function best when they are taking care of their loved ones by "fixing things", and forget the emotional stuff My hubs is this way. I am so sorry for your loss

I took care of my father who died from cancer for the last few months of his life. I had my sister’s, husband’s and mother’s help. When he died the guilt was there, and stayed with me for a long time until God took it from me. I’ve been depressed a lot in my life but I said to myself: “Remember when you’ve been happy, you’ll be happy again. And I was. After 3 years I could talk about my father without crying. I still miss him, but the Good Lord took his pain away.

When my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, things were easier. She was like a child. When my sister said it was time for our mother to go to memory care, I saw my mother 4 times a week. When she died, her caretakers told me that I had done everything I could and not to feel guilty. It took years again, but I’m happy again. Trusting in the Lord has helped me through trials since my parents’ death. Read the psalms. Many of them are comforting.

You did everything you could for your father. Talk to a minister too. God bless you, Dawn. Take it easy on yourself. Do a few things a day that gave you pleasure before. Reading helped me. I’ll be praying for you. Know that we all grieve differently. Don’t be hard on yourself. Take it day by day, that’s all there is. Faith, Hope and Peace, Christa

I am not quite sure what you feel guilty about? RN to RN, you know that usually a broken hip in an elderly person is the result of osteoporosis - the person breaks their hip and then falls (not the other way around). Unless you did something to make your father die, he died of natural causes: a heart attack, a stroke, an unfortunate reaction to medications.... This could have happened at any time.

I would recommend that you connect with a grief group like GriefShare, but your grief seems especially crippling. Please consider getting individual counselling and maybe see a psychiatrist to help you through this traumatic event.

Every person is different in processing loss so please don't guilt trip those around you who are processing their grief differently.

I am so sorry for all of the loss you are dealing with. I'm also sorry that your husband couldn't be just a tad supportive. Turn away from guilt. You cared for your dad for over 9 years. He got to be with you and you with him. You have a relationship to treasure that some folks will never know. You also have beautiful daughters and a grandson who stepped up to help when they knew you needed it. Take time to have some quiet time and full advantage of the help you're receiving. Then focus more attention to these people who lifted you up.

In retrospect, was your husband always a little on the cold, nonsupportive side? Zebra stripes don't usually change over the years. Maybe you were expecting something from him that he really never gave you. Don't grieve that part. Accept it as who he is and who he's always been. Look to those who have those qualities when a little comfort and kindness is what you need. Bless you as you move forward. And PS - go get yourself another dog. There is a dog sitting in a shelter who needs the same kind of love that you do right now.

Wow quite a write up.
There are few things missing. How old are you and your husband? I assume 50+??
How long have you and your husband been married? I assume 20+ years??

I am stunned how often I see this kind of issue on this web site. At least once a week.

You and and your father had what they call an emeshed relationship. No boundaries, no borders, no space between the two ofyou. Which meant there was no room for your husband. Sometimes it was called not cutting the apron strings. You have had an extreme inbalance here

To qualify I am 64 yr old. After a 30 yr marriage I have been apart now divorced from my wife for 3 years. In the last 15 years or so of our marriage my wife turned all her attention and energy toward her parents (mostly her Mother) Suddenly I found myself in the back seat of her life. I will tell you from personal experience there is NOTHING more degrading, more humilating, demolishing of your self esteem then when your spouse puts someone else ahead of you. For a short period during an illness that is different. What you describe is close to what I had to live with with my wife and her parents. In my case her parents mostly her Mother took this change in favor her daughter had and rubbed my face in every chance she got. She took FULL advantage of her Daughters blind obligation to her.
My guess here is your husband has penned up anger about the way he has been treated in the last several years. Put yourself in his shoes.. How would you feel if it had been the other way around?

Your question "how do I get motivated to do anything"
The first thing you need to do is decide if you still want to be married and your husband needs to decide this to.

Any shrink, minister, priest, rabbi, etc will tell you the needs of the marriage need to be the priority relationship for both of you. When this does not occur it is almost impossible for anything else to work out.

If this marriage is important to you I urge you to, today, NOT tomorrow or next week you and your husband together find a therapist, your minister, someone trained to help you thru this and get your marriage back on track.

Some books UI suggest:
Dr Gottman The seven principles for making a marriage work
Dr Gottman has written several books on marriage really excellent stuff.
Stephen Kendrick The Love Dare

A great program for rebuilding is called Retrouvaille www.helpour marriage.org.
This is a catholic program run by lay people. NO priests are involved. If you both want to rebuild this is an amazing program.

If I had my way we would still be married. But my wife was soo blinded by her relationship with her Mother she could NEVER see or understand the damage this did to me. Everything was my fault. You cant build a bridge if only one of you wants the bridge.

Good luck

Dawn,
Your husband must have built a life of his own while you had a relationship with your Dad. His unsupportive, even strange response may have been a way to protect his life he made. He has boundaries. Gave you notice immediately that he won't be there for you now.

Changing your expectations of him overnight will probably scare him off.
You have quite a bit of work to do, slowly, to win him back, imo. Still, it wasn't intentional on your part. This marriage can be fixed. If that is still what you want.

So sorry for your loss, and your shock that your Dad has died. There is time for you to grieve, and rest, and rebuild a life now. To focus only on your marriage, only to be rebuffed is a mistake. Feel better. Just be. Slowly become what you want for yourself.

Fix yourself up post caregiving. Get your hair done, a new outfit. etc. Take it slow and careful.

People deal with grief in different ways but your husband sounds egocentric, and you have underlying marriage issues. As you say, your husband is so unsupportive, now you have another emotional baggage--dealing with him as well as your loss.

Give yourself time to sort out your feelings, get the business of death over with (notifications, cremations, etc). SEEK support groups if your husband will not help; once you get back on your feet I would think twice about staying married to him.

My husband was very supportive all the while caring for my mom for years and years and years and when she died I was devastated and he was there. I could not have made it through without him. My mom never did like him, but as my mom's Alzheimer's progressed mom depended on me more and more until I was her lifeline 100% of the time. She depended on me for YEARS and YEARS. I kept her going. I walked her everyday for 5 years in the park even with specialized walkers that cost me a fortune. She was only bedridden for 2-1/2 months only because she could not focus on the task of walking. She had a feeding tube because I did not want her to die of dehydration which can take weeks. Because I love mom so much and he would see how much she means to me, he was 100% supportive and helped me with her care. He grew to love her because he lost his mom, and I"m telling you I could have survived without his help and support. I was never apart from my mom the very moment I was born until her death. That is how much she means to me. I do NOT use the past tense because she died because I still love her even though I lost her a year ago and it still hurts--but I learned to ADAPT to this loss as apart of life, because we all are born and must die, and only the living suffer. Mom's ordeal of life is over. She is forever free and even transcended death; nothing can harm her. That is comforting for me.

Mom died amazingly pain free and I never had to give her a single drop of narcotics or psychotropics; hospice never had to break open the "comfort pack" as I basically used them like a home clinic. I made them do labs, and reorder her routine meds (insulin and lopressor--that's all she was on). I kept her needs met, put her on a bowel schedule..she was good! SHE died of OTHER natural causes not related to her Alzheimer's so even if she didn't have Alzheimer's she would have died anyway, so I had nothing to do with her death. I did all I could for her.
She lived to be 90 with 20 years of Alzheimer's--AND she was an insulin-dependent diabetic!
The price of love is grief. When we lose someone we deeply love it is going to hurt, and it never goes away. But you will learn to adapt to this.

BUT my husband married me KNOWING FULL WELL my mom was my entire world. And he was always supportive and helpful. I'm going to stick with him as long as he lives and if need be I'll take care of him like I did my mom, and I will never again marry. Now that is how much he means to me, and he knows that too. But he sure does miss my mom too. To be honest I think he feels more secure married to me. He seen how much I cared for my mom, and he knows he will get same love & care should it come down to that.

that is the price of us getting older. Our loved ones die off

Hi Dawn,
Your description of your love between your father and yourself truly brought tears to my eyes. Our weary world needs more hearts like yours.
My heartfelt sympathy to you. Like you I was an RN and continue to fight the "black and blue dog of depression".
Truly I am so very sorry about your Dad's passing, I will pray for you to find the strength you need to get through each day and to be as gentle and kind with yourself as you are or have been for others. Not an easy task for a lifelong caregiver.

People grieve differently, there is no right or wrong answer in how you grieve nor how long you grieve. Most women have the built in nurturer to grapple with. Our self care comes last in a long line of people throughout our lives. After so long I think we simply accept the needs of others come before our own, which clouds our perceptions of what our needs are. Losing your father, your dog and in a sense your MIL has left a significant hole in your life.

Previous posts offered great suggestions about moving forward in your life slowly. Now is not the time to make a big decision in your life, especially in regard to your marriage. The gentleman that wrote about his feelings and experiences in his marriage can be a great resource for you in understanding your husband's detached behavior towards you. Enmeshment is quite common in families. In fact three generations living within the same household wasn't unusual until the end of WWII.

Counseling would hopefully help you and your husband to come back together at some point. But right now, your own wellbeing is crucial, whatever gets you through each day, each hour, each minute is what matters. If you find yourself having difficulty with that, maybe it's time to consider an appointment with your GP for feedback and referral. They say, "Doctors and Nurses make the worst patients" for good reason. Ask for advice from your family or friends, people that know you best. Ask for your Dad's help.

You can't just stop feelings. Guilt is part of loss. You gave your father excellent care, he shared his gratitude with you. Yet, we hold ourselves to these impossible standards. This is the time to go easy on you. Go easy on your husband too, he's still there with you. And maybe in a few months or a year you will begin to accept that you did the very best you could.

And I wholeheartedly agree with another suggestion on adopting another dog or puppy. As a former animal shelter worker I can attest that there is a dog that needs a loving home but perhaps give it a little more time. That's a big responsibility to take on, which you probably know already. You have so much love to give, you will know when the time is right. I wish you blessings upon blessings and thank you for sharing. Take Care.

The only thing I can see that you might have appropriate guilt about, was putting your father before your husband. Is this why he lack compassion toward your Dad’s death?

It is normal, the way that you are feeling. Loss is a physical pain. When you are a caretaker you feel you should be able to save him and you did that many times I am sure. But the last time there was nothing you could do. It isn't your fault. You must know that. Remember how happy you made him by all that you did. How lucky he was to have you. But loss is very painful for the one left behind and healing for you will take time. You need to get out of the house. Take a long walk everyday. Maybe join an exercise class or take a dance class. I highly recommend salsa dancing. Not hard and the music is very upbest and cheerful. It is okay for you to have some happy moments. I am fairly sure your husband is a little resentful of all the attention that dad got. Tell him you missed spending time with him and maybe you 2 could take a little vacation together, even just a weekend. Find out how he has been doing. You must have neglected yourself too. Rekindle interests you had before or find new ones? But do get some exercise and give up the guilt. Not everything is up to us.

Give yourself time to grieve-there is no set timetable and don’t let anyone tell you there is. I totally understand your situation as my Daddy and I were extremely close all my life. When he got sick (cancer) I talked with his doctors; made arrangements for his medications and appointments even though he had a wife not much older than me. I was going to make sure he got proper care. Also, I am the youngest of six kids but EVERYTHING, all decisions and arrangements was EXPECTED to be taken care of by me. So considering you took care of your Dad; your closeness to him your grieving and guilt process may take longer. Don’t let anyone tell you to “get over it”. I’m sorry for your devastating loss.

Hi Dawn2543:

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You sound like a wonderful daughter. We all get curt with those we love. Sometimes they do get on our nerves. So what? It's normal.

It must have been a shock to see him die suddenly when you did not expect it. But then, think of it as a blessing that you were with him at his last moment.

Only you can shake yourself out of your malaise. Again, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Can you afford to buy some interactive workout equipment. Working out is a great way to release endorphins and feel good hormones that will lift your mood.

As for your husband not being supportive....Very few spouses get along very well with their in-laws. A large percentage outright dislike them and another large percentage feel that they are a burden because they did not properly plan for their own old age.

When you go in his room, instead of allowing yourself to feel suffocated.. perhaps you can sit for awhile and try to feel his presence. Talk to him. Ask him to help you through your grief.

Lastly your husband is right, all the financial stuff needs to be taken care of sooner rather than later. He is just being practical.

You sound like a loving caring daughter.

So very sorry for your loss and pain. It is such an open wound and as with an open wound it will take time to heal. Be kind to your self. It is hard for others to be as comforting as you need unless they have gone through exactly what you have. That too hurts greatly. Try not to expect anything from anyone, even though it is so hard to understand them. Right now you need to do everything you can to let this grief wound heal. I advise you to seek out a grief counselor in your area. Hospice has counselors, or your church.

Do not blame yourself for anything. Be glad you were able to be close to your father and enjoy those years you did with him. A wonderful gift you gave each other. And he always knew it. That gift remains within your heart that no one or anything can take away from you.

Each day, take one step in front of the other. Be kind to yourself.

I am sure your father held your hand at times, so take one of your hands and grasp the other. Let the love of your Father be there for you at anytime you need comfort, he is always with you.

I am sending you hugs.❤️

Dawn,
Sorry for your recent loss of your father.
And the loss of your beloved dog.

💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞

Dawn, my 93 year old mom died in February. I was very close to her. It was somewhat sudden as well. I guess I did not expect a lot in terms of comfort because I think people just think that because we are adults and our loved ones were really old, it is not that big of a deal. People expressed sympathy in the short term, but that was about it. My significant other - who did not get along with my mom - see someone's response below! - was helpful short term to do things I requested, but was not all warm and fuzzy and to be honest did not offer a lot of comfort either. Ironically, most of my support came in funny ways...from the funeral home, which did a really good job with everything...some neighbors who brought food over, and a couple others along the way. I have no easy answers because I really feel I have grieved on my own and moved forward the best I could. All I can say, is I am sorry for your loss. Give yourself grace and a hug and just move on as you see fit. You are a nurse, so I know you are strong. During this time just try and be your own best friend and know that others aren't mean. Their lack of support just really reflects on them and their shortcomings. Clearly you were a loving daughter. You fulfilled your job, your dad is where he needs to be, and you are free to move forward on your life's mission. Hang in there.

You are understandably still in shock and are devastated by your father's death. You do not need to feel guilty that there was "something you didn't do in his caretaking." He had multiple problems and was winding down and the hip fracture and surgery may just have been more than his body could handle. It was nothing you did wrong.

It is sad that your husband is not more supportive, but not everyone is able to show empathy or be there in a helpful way. It's good that someone is helping with paper work. That can be too much to deal with after a death, but there is no desperate rush. You will find most banks, financial institutions etc quite sympathetic and patient with sorting out paperwork.

Congratulate yourself when you are able to get out of bed, or put on your shoes, or wash a dish or take a shower. At least you did that one thing. Another day you will do another thing. That's enough for now.

Don't despair over the upcoming weeks and months. There are no "supposed to" rules for grief. Take your time. Be kind to yourself.

Keep in touch with the forum for support. It helps to tell your story even if we all have to do it remotely these days.

Are your husband's father living? If not, how did he grieve his death? Everyone has a different way to handle loss. Some people like to keep busy. He may be somewhat relieved for you, in a way. You mentioned that his mother had been helping you and then she remarried and couldn't help anymore. Had the care of your dad become all consuming? I think that the best thing to do is lower your expectations of others and focus on you. Hopefully, they will also lower their expectations of you. You need time to grieve in your way and reclaim yourself and get stronger. During all of this, keep a journal. Make an entry each day that is devoted to expressing your feelings about your dad. It will be a marvelous way to put in writing every wonderful memories and process your loss. Then, prepare to start making entries that chronicle the new memories that you create with your husband and family because you will be able to start looking forward.

I am so very sorry for your loss and send deepest condolences. There is no time limit on grief. Go to the Lord in prayer.

Is it possible that your husband was feeling neglected because of the close relationship that your shared with your dad? Was you dad financially responsible for himself or was your husband dealing with the financial stress of extra expenses & worried how he could afford paying for his funeral costs? Did you often tell your husband how much you appreciated him & that you loved him during the time your dad lived with you? Grieve as you need to. I don't see why you feel guilty as dad probably died of surgical complications. Find a virtual grief group in your area. Set a future goal of a pleasure outing whether it's a walk in the park or getting your hair done. In dealing with the lack of motivation (depression?) that you're having set a daily goal whether it's to brush your teeth & hair, change clothes, take a shower, get out of bed for an hour at a time, change eat dinner with family, etc. Each day try to build on it. Reconnect with a friend. Start regular exercise that you are physically capable of. If you're not sure, see your doctor & get a PT consult or a pain management consult.. Set up telehealth appointments with a counselor ASAP to discuss guilt, & grief. Your husband did stay with you over the past years as you devoted your life to your dad. Talk with your husband about your grief & how you're planning to deal with it. Find out how he's feeling about these past few months & what may be bothering him. Listen & try to understand his feelings. Maybe couples counseling would help. Don't get a pet until you are fully capable of caring for it. Get the support & help that you need so that you can lead a more productive life. You will feel much better. Best of luck in your journey of life W/O your dad. You can do it, you're stronger that you think! 🙏

If caretaking goes on for a long time then it complicates things. Especially if a parent has many needs or is controlling all of our time. It’s even worse if there are personality clashes.

I had my mom for 15 years in my home. A marriage will be effected by this. Strong marriages survive, others fall apart.

All marriages take a hit, good and bad. I would not be a caregiver in my home again.

I am sad that I can’t ever get those years back. I feel that in many ways, they are ‘lost’ years.

If I had to do it over, I wouldn’t do it! It was too hard and changed the dynamic of the mother and daughter relationship. It also takes away privacy for a husband and wife.

I think it’s normal for the spouse to feel relief after the caregiver duties are over.

Of course it would be nice if your husband expressed condolences to you. That is common courtesy but his emotions are jumbled up right now too.

Both of you need time to adjust to this. Give yourselves some time.

I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending prayers and a bazillion hugs your way.

Look to see if there is a Gilda’s club in your area. Also, there may be grief groups locally if you google them. So sorry for your loss.

I cared for my father and mother more than any other sibling but my own homelife was in shambles. I related to both parents. As the youngest child, I camped with them. My dad played great five string banjo and I play fiddle so I miss hearing his backup. I miss the idea our vocal cords were similar so we sang a lot and always had music in our home. I have been ashamed I loved my parents more than is normal. It took time from my marriage but the marriage was difficult from the beginning. He is an addict. I faced a crisis at my home and several at my folks as their health failed them. No one has mentioned that sometimes we care take to avoid taking care of our own problems and facing the issues. I am sorry for your loss and sorry for my own . It has been since September 1st. My plan is to focus on building my life and doing as much as I can that is fun. It's okay to feel some relief at the same time. It's a new chapter for you and for him. I believe to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. It sure isn't easy and I sit and stare a lot f the time. I pray for the love of God to comfort you.

I'm so very sorry for your loss, big hugs sent to you. I also had difficult grief when my own Dad passed away-just please be gentle and kind to yourself. Keeping you in my prayers. Also, sorry about your furbaby. Prayers.