My father remarried at 87 to a younger woman 23 years younger. No one really knows how the two met. She moved in with him. She has isolated him. I have to go through the new wife to speak to my father. Now, she has moved him to different place: one of her properties. I do not trust this woman. My sister was previously the financial power of attorney and I was the healthcare POA. I am unsure of the new wife's mental health status. She seems to be not very stable. My sister has "washed her hands of this mess", I am unsure of what to do ? Any advice helpful.
When did they get married?
Keep an eye on this situation so she don’t clean him out & use the $$$$$ for herself, which she most definitely will. Report her to elder abuse not if, but when you notice $$$$ mismanagement. Notify banks & credit cards to monitor. Invest in something like LifeLock to prevent identity theft . Do you have financial &/or medical poa? See Elder law Atty to further protect your Father’s assets. If your sister doesn’t want to go with you, then go alone. Do NOT let this crook get away with scamming your Father!!!!!
Good luck & hugs 🤗
Make surprise visits to see your dad, Make sure he is getting fed, getting his meds, and getting out to see his friends and family. If dad appears incompetent, you may need to invoke your POA (get lawyer advice before you do). If you are concerned that his new wife is abusive, report to elder care division of your police department.
I have texted dad's new wife, made phone calls. Recently called and local sheriffs office to do a welfare check when wife would not answer my phone calls or text.
After this phone call, did speak to my dad after sheriff visit and spoke to wife and I told her my expectation of her was when I called to answer the phone or texts and that I did not trust her.
Oh by the way, they were married on my deceased mother's birthday.
If any of you still has access to the finances, do what you have to do immediately to prevent her access to those. An attorney, maybe, to stop his/her access for his own financial good. Giving away his money and assets by way of new wife could create issues for him if he needs nursing home care later on. An attorney may be able to investigate new wife for prior issues to show there is a problem.
Call your father's lawyer and make an appointment. Find out if your sister is still the financial power of attorney. If she still is, make her stick to it and you retain your father's healthcare POA. This is no time to change anything. New wife will not allow it.
My brother's new wife talked him into selling the house he had lived in with his former wife and building another. (No kidding, so she could get her half when they split up). While they were building the new house on the lake lot my bother inherited from our parents, new wife managed to throw away all of the furniture in the old place that was my parents' lake house. She wanted new stuff.
Long story short, they split up, he lost his job, he almost lost the house. He had not spoken to any family (or friends) for the three years he was married to her.
I encourage you to Google and to research, 'Narcissistic Abuse'. It will open your eyes to what is likely going on with your father.
Good luck.
Obviously, if it was my father, I would be concerned about the stated issues as well.
I am unsure of what you *want* to do. Break them up? Wash your hands of them? Stay in touch with your father but have nothing to do with his wife?
I'm sure it seemed very tactless to you and perhaps your sister as well that your father chose your late mother's birthday for his wedding day.
First of all, though, hurt feelings aside just for the moment - when was that, exactly? How long has your father been married to Wife No. 2?
On the choice of date itself, though, there are at least two possibilities: one, its being your mother's birthday didn't cross your father's mind; or two, he actually chose it with intent as a particularly auspicious day for this major event. The second would have been, as he saw it, a tribute to your mother and a way of keeping her in his thoughts. Did he discuss this with you children? Did you go to the wedding?
I see that your concerns about the new wife's mental status are based on her ex-husband's opinion. It might be better to find a more impartial source before you come to any conclusions.
You say she didn't reply to your phone messages or texts, but without knowing what you said to her in those how are we to know whether or not to be surprised that she didn't respond? Then you set about investigating her, and then you send the police round, and then you give her orders which you justify by telling her in terms that you don't trust her. [Goodness! - really???] Have you had any contact at all with this lady which was not more or less hostile?
I think it would be best to have a good think about what you would like to happen before you decide what further steps, if any, to take.
I'm glad that you did get to speak to your father. How is he?
I had a good friend, who at the age of 60, began seeing a woman of 30. This man was totally self-absorbed and could be mean and nasty when things didn’t go his way. We both knew why he took up with this young woman. But, over the past 20 years, they are still together. They’ve never married. She’s never had children. She’s tolerated him and cared for him through many health crises which seem to be coming more often now that he’s in his 80’s. It took me a long time to understand the logistics of this relationship.
My father in law would ask me to sit with my mother in law for him to grocery shop and he would be gone for hours and come back with milk and bread but I thought he was visiting friends or something. He pretended to adore my mother in law. He had me fooled. Now I know he was with the other woman.
First this woman expected all of us to fawn all over her. Um, no! We were grieving for a wonderful woman!
When we didn’t treat her like the queen that she thought she was she gave my father in law an ultimatum to dump us or she would leave him. He dumped us so he could keep her. He was under her spell!
My mother in law received a big inheritance from her parents and when she died he got it all. Guess who he spent it on? Yep! Her. He bought a new larger home. They travelled all over.
If he had introduced her at an appropriate time it may have been different but not two weeks after we buried my mother in law. We wanted him to be happy but he didn’t allow us to mourn privately. He forced her down our throats. It was too much, too soon.
I asked my husband if he could ask his dad anything, what would it be. He replied, “Was it worth it, Dad? To lose your son, a daughter in law who loved you and mom and two beautiful grandchildren?” So sad, isn’t it?
Well, the woman died. He is in an assisted living facility and my husband does not want to open up old wounds.
FIL called after she died. The witch lived to be 95! He is 96. My mother in law died at 68 and he was 70 when he moved this woman into his house. They never married because she told him she was not sharing her money with him. She left the money from her previous marriage to her children. She didn’t spend a penny with him for any expenses. She had a sweet deal!
After the woman died my father in law asked his son to visit him in the assisted living facility but my husband doesn’t want to. I told him that I supported whatever he decided. Sadly, there isn’t anything left in the relationship.
He is like a stranger after so many years without contact. Too many years have passed.
He missed out on seeing beautiful granddaughters growing up. They were sad and confused that their grandpa threw the family away like yesterday’s garbage. Unfortunately, the damage is done. They think of him as a stranger, which he is.
I told my husband and my girls not to have regrets and to think about if they wanted to see him. They aren’t interested. They told me that my dad was a dad and a grandfather and that’s who they knew, loved and remember. They don’t wish my father in law any harm. No one hates him. The closeness died after so many years. It’s truly sad.