She visits three times a week, and stays five hours each time. While she is there, he will not participate in group activities. He also says he does not want to eat lunch because she will not eat with him. Is it fair to ask her not to visit as often, or perhaps stay shorter amount of time?
It is difficult to offer advice, without knowing exactly how she is upsetting your father.
Is he distraught after she lives or angry? If he is distraught is it from distress or wanting to go home?
Is it that they never really got along and she is emotionally abusive toward him. ...such as triangulating against his children or other family members, or simply saying abusive things to him?
If so, Perhaps you can ask for a psychologist visit to make an assessment.
Also, can you use a hidden camera to video one of these visits to show to a psychologist?
I have seen situations where the spouse is causing a lot of upset by denigrating the spouses children, telling hurtful lies to them, etc. Sometimes it is a stepmother trying to shut out the children, but just as often it is a bio mother still attempting to shut out one or more of the children for dysfunctional reasons.
Is she trying to exert undue influence on him in order to gain access to assets and such?
You need to document this wife's behavior. Just because she is his wife, does not mean she has any interest in acting in his best interest.
In fact, many times, it is a family member that engages in financial or emotional elder abuse.
Many people when they become institutionalized just want to go home especially in the begining so whatever worse he becomes may be just because she went home and he can't
OP we seem to be talking to ourselves here please respond
"Fairness" is a difficult concept in these situations - so much of the aging memory/dementia issues are so very unfair. Even if your father doesn't aways remember your mother has been there, if her mind is good and she remembers that your father is in memory care, the real issue may be how much your mother can handle. Even when dealing with my father's dementia compromised my mother's health and welfare, she still wanted to take care of her husband. Part of that is the commitment that kept a marriage together for more than 60 years and part of it was her own anxiety from worrying over his care level. If your mother can come to see that less time or fewer visits is better for your father then that might work. If she can't you may be exchanging one problem (father's post-visit difficulties) for another (mother's difficulties coping with fewer/shorter visits).
Participate in(most places have a weekly or monthly schedule). And bring her later or earlier that day? What did they used to do together when they were both living in the same place? Tv, cards, listen to music? Maybe having some of those things to do together would be more beneficial that just sitting together.
If she is talking AT him & not WITH him then it is heavy on him - shorten that time by 1/2 for a week or so to see how it goes - he is probably tired physically after that time so may not be as co-operative with staff afterwards
Can she pick the days when the activity is cards if he doesn't like to play them or vise versa? most NH have a pre-posted schedule she could work around - also if there is music they could do that together but she'll have to do some prep work by saying the visit before 'I'll be here on Wed. so that we both can enjoy the singer who is coming' then when she gets there she should remind him with 'oh I'm so looking forward to the music today' -
He may be staying away from activities because he may think she would be left out - at mom's NH I've played bingo beside her, gone to live music concerts, done crafts & been an extra pair of hands too - so if your mom can do some of these with him it most likely would be good for both of them
DO NOT intervene and minimize their already minimized time together, this is traumatic on both of them and regardless of the memory issues dad has, his love for his wife is still there.
I'm assuming by worse you mean he's upset either because he's in the facility in the first place or upset when he's left behind when she leaves ? If he's just too upset to eat and is being disruptive when she's there, then the facility might be asking for help, but usually the spouse is a calming influence
It takes a long time to adjust to being in a facility and being denied access to a loved one doesn't necessarily make it easier
3 lunches missed per week is nothing, if that is the only meal. I bet he eats his dinner better on those days. I would vote to keep your Mother coming on her 3 visits weekly.
RE: not participating in MH activities - seeing your mother is way more important. If they do nothing but hold hands, it's very therapeutic and extremely comforting for Dad. Unless he doesn't want her there - and it seems as if it keeps him stable.
Unless he has a medical condition that requires him to eat each meal
Unless her visits disrupt the facility
Her visits and the time she spends is pretty low on the scale of priorities.
You do not say how old they are or how long they have been married or if this is a stepmother. But lets say they have been married for 35, 45, 50 years...visiting 3 days a week for 5 hours is a drop in the bucket compared to the lifetime they have had. This had to be just as difficult for her. When you take "those vows" as I recall there is a line...In sickness and in health"... it is difficult to admit that you can not care for someone or have that care taken out of your control. After all no one knows him better than she does so it is hard to believe that someone else can do things better than you can.
If it is just a missed meal 3 times a week and he misses a chance to watch "The Price is Right" or play Wordfind I would not worry about it.
And many facilities charge an unreasonable amount for a spouse to eat a meal with a resident. When my husband was in rehab about 5 years ago I was told I could have a lunch for about $10.00 and for the meals they served that was way over priced. The meals I saw were all pretty unimpressive so skipping a few will do no harm. (again unless there is a medical reason he must eat)
If your father gets upset or feels unwell, that's different; and in that case it would be worth suggesting to your mother that she might visit at different times of day, or for shorter periods.
But if he enjoys her company and really isn't that bothered about the meal time; if, in fact, he's not coming to any harm at all; then just let them suit themselves. Maybe your mother could take sandwiches with her to share. Or maybe she could be persuaded to give the facility's lunches another try? If they're supposed to be good enough for him, then...?
Worse in what way?
15 hours a week isn’t a great deal considering all the other hours they are not with one another. Why are activities more important than being with her? I don’t understand.
Does she take him lunch? Could he keep some ensures in his room for the occasion? I have next to no experience with NH, ALF but I would think they miss each other and are the most comfortable with one another. Sorry if that’s not helpful.